Explain addiction to someone who has never experienced it before
Here is yet another prompt which sat un-answered in my drafts for a long while. I think mostly because this is hard to explain to someone who has no concept of addiction. But one of my journaling goals is to make it through all of my prompts without skipping or drafting one for the day. Hence why this, the previous one, and a couple more will be me going back through my drafts.
I finally think I know how to answer this one though. So, by diagnosis I suppose I am an “alcoholic”. Though I do not define myself by this, but that is an entirely separate post. But I was treated for an addiction to alcohol, so for the purpose of this post I will use alcoholic. That being said, I do not think that this is my “true” addiction. Let me explain to you what it is, and how I got here. I think that is the key part in making someone who has never experienced addiction understand,
I have always struggled with coping. Which may sound strange, but I was thinking about it the other day, “Why do I drink? When do I reach for a drink?” and the answer is when I feel overwhelmed or I reach for a drink to feel numb. Why would I want to feel numb? Because honestly, I don’t know what else to do. I’m not one to open up, and the more i thought about it, the more I realized I always numbed. Even before I was able to drink I self-harmed, and when I could do neither I turned to sleep or wishing that I could sleep forever, because the truth is I never wanted to feel. I don’t know what to do with these feelings or how to handle them. Talking, isn’t an option as I’m not great at opening up. And while journaling helps, it can also be hard to face such emotions sometimes.
The self-harm went away, but only because I turned old enough to drink. And from there I am here, now labeled an “alcoholic”. But I don’t think that’s my real addiction. I don’t crave alcohol and I don’t need to drink, I could care less. I have been sober for over a year now. The thing that has remained hard though is not being able to numb these feelings. I sleep more often and I cut just about everyone from my life, because I don’t want to talk about anything or deal with society. I am addicted to being numb. I have a problem with coping.
I journal to look back someday and hopefully:
A. Discover something that will help me
B. See how far I come
C. Find a healthy way to cope and overcome the need to be numb
I know what I need to do, but I am scared to do so. One day maybe I’ll make a weekly goal of finding a therapist. I’ve tried therapy before though, and it’s always the same emotional regulation, sit with your feelings, and some journal prompts. So I am a little hesitant to try again.
But this is what an addiction is like. It starts young and it’s what you’ve always done. You don’t have the tools to fix what’s broken. You know what is and you want to, but you’re stuck. It’s hopeless. It’s lonely. That’s addiction. It doesn’t have to be alcohol, drugs, something illegal etc. It could be anything, at least in my belief, if you feel this way.
Did that all make sense? Anyway. That’s how I would explain addiction to someone who has never experienced it.
