The Single Spinster

A lonely spinster writing her way through life.

[singlespintster]

I gained 6 inches in my waist. I cannot handle this but I want to eat everything in sight. I am not pregnant.

[singlespintster]

Max Out Deadlift Day. 245.

I did not think I could do this. The screaming you hear in the background are my amazing gym family that push me. I shall not be stopped. Lifted 245 like a beast!! Oh, check out that ass.

[singlespintster]

Food...

I have been having the hardest struggle with food. I have been wanting to eat every fucking thing. I feel like my weight loss journey has gone to hell. I am not dieting. I just eat healthy. However, this week, I have eaten candy, cookies, I have a had soda (oh shit, the fucking soda). It has just been a struggle.

[singlespintster]

Ha! Look... Everyone is serious after the workout....then there is me.

[gymthyme]

growth is a process and healing is not linear 💛

[singlespintster]

Never stop reminding myself.

[singlespintster]

Speed dating attire.

[singlespintster]

I can finally do this!!

My abs are coming in soon!

[singlespintster]

Some days I forget how strong I am, until I get in the gym.

[singlespintster]

Things my father never told me: A poem by me for my therapist

At 30 years old I find myself questioning why you left.

At 30 years old I question who and what you were to me.

At 30 years old I ask “why me”. Why did you treat me this way.

Cause you were funny.

You told me. Or was it because of who your were. I trusted you. I looked to you. You were the one I wanted.

But when I trusted you, you couldn’t trust me. You broke my trust.

When I ran to you, you did not hold your arms out for me.

When I wanted you, you made it clear that you didn’t want me.

You trusted her. You had your arms out when she ran. You spoke volumes of how you wanted her in front of me.

You are the reason, I cannot trust.

I tried love. It didn’t work.

Not once did you call me pretty.

When I dressed up, you never told me how beautiful I looked.

You never told me you were proud of me.

I wanted your love. I craved your attention; instead, you left.

You never left her though. You said you were proud of her. You screamed your love for her from the rooftops. You told the world she was your baby girl.

I hated her for so long. Everyone knew I had such animosity towards her.

I remember the day you choked me.

I remember the day you called me a hoe.

I remember you breaking me down. Never lifting me up.

You never put your hands on her. You love her too much.

You were not the one for me, yet you wanted all the credit for my accomplishments.

I cannot stand her. She got all the best parts.

I got the parts that made me insecure.

I got the parts that has me wondering at 30 if I am capable.

You fucked me up.

You fucked me over.

Crazy thing, you knew what I needed walking into this.

You were supposed to be the next best thing that happened to me, but you abonded me.

You left me alone like he did I. He did not want me. He left me. He never tried to love me. Him... him... he was never there. You were not to be him.

You were supposed the be the man.

You were supposed to keep me safe.

You were supposed....

You were supposed to take me to daddy-daughter dances.

You were supposed to tell me and show me how a man was supposed to love me.

You were supposed to scare the monsters away not allow them to stay.

You were supposed to give me and create confidence.

Instead I felt tore down.

I always you felt like you did not love me. You never said it. You told me not hit your kids. Yet you never this said this when my mom was around.

You never told me you were proud.

You never made me feel loved.

As for the man that brought me into this world. You never wanted me anyway.

[singlespintster]

2/28 Entry

I cried today.

I hate the days when I cry.

I am depressed.

I do not want to leave my home.

I am comfortable there.

[singlespintster]

Lonely Thoughts at 3:08am

Nothing makes me feel more single than watching your friend become a girlfriend.

Nothing makes me feel more alone than falling asleep in an empty bed.

Nothing makes me feel so helpless than having a coworker try to hook me up with her 30 year old son who still lives at home, and never left the house. True story.

Nothing makes me feel more jealousy than girls who talk about how gutsy hit on them all the time our they always have a date, and I can’t even get a guy to call me back.

Nothing makes me feel more angry than people who tell me who I am young and do not know what I want.

Nothing makes me sadder than a man who tells me that my standards are too high. ‘

Nothing makes me feel lonelier than never having been wanted.

My list of fuck buddies are rather long.

When you get like me the heart becomes a guard. You can’t get excited cause you will always be let down.

I expect nothing to get nothing.

[singlespintster]

29 Mantra