Given: The time that is given to us
Akihiko and Haruki, a former gigolo and one pined by love; what is left of them after all that has happened? Spring is the time of new beginnings, but the scarring and dissipation of wounds always takes some time.
What is the best thing, you can give to someone? Your time with them. Simple and important. Or a fanfic! 🥰 This is my very first Given fanfic, so please, be nice!
I'm happy that I have some energy to write fanfics again. I had/have somekind of block with writing, but this story just came somewhere.
Akihiko's and Haruki's story just hurts so much, so maybe that's why I had to write this. Hopefully it gives something good to who ever is going to read it. 😘
English is not my first language, and my skills are not as good as I would like them to be, so sorry about that! If you can find any mistakes etc. from my fanfic, please, be kind and tell me, so I can fix those! I just don’t have anyone, who could read through and check my texts for me. But hopefully you readers get my point from it and can follow the story!
Wonderful Natsuki Kizu owns the characters/story, whose life I continued with my own, special color pen. Given is something huge and it touched my heart in a way, that I can’t really turn into words. But maybe it’s in this story, who knows... Somehow, I just had to write this out of my head, what could happen to them after they met on that Spring, and Akihiko had a lot to say to Haruki. The meeting happens at the end of the Given movie and in manga chapter 28. Something in their story just pulsates me. The story is from Akihiko’s point of view. The manga is still ongoing (go & read it!), so it’s a little scary to see, how the two of them will end up (hopefully well).
The time that is given to us
We arrived at Haruki’s apartment in silence, leaving that cool spring evening behind us, while we both were immersed into our own thoughts. Does he think this is a mistake? Is he afraid that I would disappoint him again? What if Haruki has come to his senses in the meantime?! I didn’t see any signs of remorse on him, but I can’t do anything to my own doubts, about myself. I just desperately wanted to hug him again, but I forced myself to hold back, like I have done this whole time. For months. To give him space. It has been the hardest thing to learn... However, it is only now that we have somehow found a way to try to stay on this same path, side by side, both finally moving in the same direction.
I ended up taking a shower after Haruki with my thoughts, as they spun in my head like in a carousel. What is Haruki thinking there while being alone now, about us, about everything? Does he really believe I have changed? Have I changed enough? I had known for some time and hoped too, that Haruki would feel something more towards me, but, at the same time in my mind I was praying for him to stay away from myself and my mess. I’ve not been a good guy in any way - and I really didn’t want to ruin him.
He said to me once, that he was ready to throw me out even I had nowhere to go, but since we’re in the same band - no. He still wouldn’t have done it, even if we weren’t. He’s not that kind of person, that’s what I love about him so much. Although he was angrier than I have ever seen him before. He reallyhated me down to his heart, rightly. So, on the other hand, maybe in that other situation, he might even have put me to sleep on the balcony - at least for a moment. Until at some point he would have dragged me back inside and abandoned me on the couch, making no contact for weeks. That would probably have been the case. I smile to my thoughts, even it hurts. I would have caused that to happen myself.
But then as everything around me broke down, I realized that I had totally betrayed him when I crossed the line for the worst and last time. I felt ashamed that even on my drunk state I could only think of myself and my own shitty being at first. How soon would I run away, finding myself hiding in a dark place. Just trying to forget everything that ever happened. Like every time. Maybe in my confused mind I imagined that Haruki would stay with me if I gave myself to him. But it didn't work like that with him, and I really shouldn't have been surprised about that. Idiot. I didn’t care how hard I dare hurt someone so important to myself - why I didn’t?
Until that time - something in his painful gaze forced me to face it all completely without a single warning, my own cruelty of my actions and their consequences. My increased feelings for him.
As I come out of the shower, I find a pensive man sitting on the edge of the couch, hands crossed in front of his mouth and leaning on his feet. A man who just a few hours ago agreed to be in a relationship with me. ME. Though, first having to listen to me shedding of my thoughts to him. From the same couch, where I often ended up spend my nights and whenever I asked a permission to stay at his place, I wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere else from there. However, I only realized this much later.
I sit on the floor leaving a little distance to him, not daring to look at him yet.
“You look again like a scolded child, caught in the act of evil.”
I wake up to his voice and notice that the man is now glancing at me from under his frowned brows, taking one deep sigh. That's how I feel exactly. Knowing that I was to blame for all that mess and things, that had been left shattered by way too long time, without repairers. By hurting everyone, even Haruki, more harshly than I even realized.
More and more felting like it was already too late to stop. And I couldn’t even stop, I thought, maybe I couldn’t even try. Such a loser. What would it have mattered anymore? Until -
“I made us tea, that what you forgot here last time. I just poured it into the mugs, it hasn't gotten much cool yet. I even remembered add the honey.”
“Mh, thank you”, I say while reaching out to take the mugs off the table, noticing the tea is still steaming and handing one of them to Haruki.
“Haruki... I guess I never remembered to ask, how that Hanaoka guy reacted when he saw your cutted hair? How have you got used to them by now?” I continue asking, wanting to avoid the silence by any means while I turn to sit towards him, seeing his appearance being a little bit more relaxed.
“Well, what do you think? He cried for at least half an hour and prayed for me to grow that tail back. You can only imagine the looks of the customers... Hanaoka seems to be most offended for me not asking for him do the work. Like he would have agreed to do that, hah... But he praised this style later as he calmed down a bit. I then promised to ask for his services in the future and we are still friends. Yes, this initially required some time getting used to it. Since it’s been several years when my hair has been this short. These dry out much faster, and I’m not going to burn them with my lighter anymore, which are at least some good things. I don't know, this might be good just like this for now.”
“It is”, I say nodding, and dare to smile a little as he does so too. Although I also miss his longer locks a bit, he's a one damn good-looking guy like that too...
“I wonder, how Yatake will take the fact about us being together now, any guesses?” I ask behind my mug being just a little worried about that, honestly more than anything.
“Aah... He’s probably trying to strangle you right away and orders me time to see a therapist. Well, you know him”, Haruki answers still smiling.
“Yep, most likely it goes just like that”, I laugh, because I can pretty well imagine such a situation being possible. Because he cares about you so much. He'll probably hate me even more in the future, no matter what I do, haha...
Even though Yatake hates me, he does this for a very good reason, which I thankfully realized at some point. I couldn’t be more grateful to him for being a real friend to Haruki. He’s like this little bit overprotective big brother, one that everyone would like to have in their life.
When I heard Yatake talking to Haruki about his possible breakthrough at that one time, when Haruki himself admitted too that it had happened and Yatake clearly seemed relieved for that, I was really frightened that everything was over for us. He's gotten over me. His feelings for me. I thought, and who else but I killed his feelings. I also thought by then, that it was a hella good thing, for Haruki. Until, over time, I realized that it was me, who couldn’t get over my feelings for him in any way - and I didn’t even want to. I wanted him to myself. But first I had to make big changes to things, or nothing would come of it. After that I would find out if we have anything left to save of us.
“But what about the reactions of Mafuyu and Uecchi, what are we facing there with the news?” Haruki wonders out loud while brushing his beard, and when he glances at me, we both burst out laughing, which is so hard to stop.
It doesn’t matter how much mud we get on our necks (from Yatake and Uenoyama), but this is, of course, dangerous picture for the band to stay together. This just feels so damn good; to laugh again like this with Haruki. This is definitely that something I have been longing for, I think as I wipe my eyes that sheds tears of laughter. His laughter, contagious good mood, and energy only he has. At some point, I was afraid that because of me he would no longer find a reason for them.
We focus to empty our tea mugs for a moment after calming down, until he finally speaks again, first striking soundly his empty mug on the table, squeezing his fists against the couch, and then nailing his rather serious gaze to mine. O-Oh... Even just his glance makes a cold sweat trickle on my forehead, and I feel like I would be shrinking a little smaller. Almost the same way as I did when I first got caught by my teacher for smoking on recess at the school. Except that this feels like a ten times worse situation!!!
“Akihiko - I say this to you only once, so press it in your skull properly. Keep me as your toy and you will regret the day you never realized my feelings for you, ignoring the shit about them. Break my heart once more and you will never see me again in the same way in your life. Cheat on me once, and I will be the one who tears your dick off with my bare hands, so that you can never hurt anyone again with it, ever!”
After that I’m just able to stare, now silenced man in front of me with my mouth open, trying to internalize his as sharp as knife words, as they feel to hit hardly somewhere deep in my body. If his face wouldn’t be so serious with stiff jaw and his now hazy golden-brown eyes so full of pain, but at the same time also hope, I would burst out into my usual laughter now, smashing everything up. But now, under his gaze, I can barely breathe. I just want to cry, which I do very rarely if ever in front of anyone, but I can’t do that either.
“Agreed. I never want to hurt you again, and I won’t let anyone else do it neither. And yet - if I ever offend you somehow even accidentally, you can do whatever you want to me. Only you!” I somehow get myself to answer, making Haruki's eyes widen up from amazement, I guess, while his face begins to blush.
The man hides his face for a moment with his hands, while slight groan escapes from his lips, as if his face had burned them, and he seems to be trying to gather his thoughts together.
“We can’t have sex, you know? And you have to go take the tests, is that clear?” he continues coldly, looking at me again as if making sure, that I will listen to his every word and even pauses between them.
Of course I understand. Not as long as Haruki keeps being startled by me even approaching to him in slightest way. Still - since... Things just aren’t the same yet or in any way like perfect, how could they be. I still don’t understand what went so wrong in my head on that night. I had never behaved like that with Haruki before and suddenly something just snapped in my head - in a very bad way. I was forcing him - touching him without permission, as if I owned him... That's what will make some distance between us for at least a moment. I guess that's why I can't tell him yet, that I already went to the tests, because even though everything was fine, I feel myself dirtier than ever...
“Haruki... I know that you can’t stand this, but... I’m so sorry for everything I did or didn’t do! I guess I’ll never be able to forgive myself, especially if you aren’t able to forgive me either, and I really don’t even deserve it. I know my words sound like those would peal emptiness only, but they should have been said a long time ago. I mean them just as much. Even more!” I say and bow before him on the floor, until he slaps his hand on his face telling me to get up as soon as right now.
“Come here”, Haruki tells and points the floor in front of him, as I move slowly, maybe even a little hesitantly.
“Closer”, he says, tapping the floor with his foot, me being unable to read his intentions in any way.
However, I end up sitting to the point he wants, waiting, then Haruki grabs a towel from my neck and begins gently to dry my hair with it, as if he would have always done it. And it feels heavenly!
“Thank you...” I say without knowing what else to say, just enjoying of his touch.
He’s spoiling me, again. But I won't close my eyes from it anymore!
“It’s weird to see you like this, without your piercings. They are already like growing into you”, says Haruki, looking at my face for a moment being really close, while my heart almost jumps up to my throat.
AAARGH-HNGH!!! This is torture!! Could you smell any better after a shower?! He has changed the brand of soap, I see...
“Y-yeah, I guess”, I stammer as Haruki finally throws a towel on the couch as I try to hide my red glowing face, either of us saying anything for a moment.
I'm clearly going crazy by now... I've missed him so much!
After thinking about some time, I decide to move a little bit closer to him and it hurts like hell to see, how Haruki again instinctively retreats an inch further away, his gaze showing like - fear? Is he seriously scared by me, even when I'm totally sober?! For a tiny moment, I want to retreat from him, but then I choose not to give up this time. I never want our situation to get as bad as it was!
“Can I - touch you?” I ask, being surprised by how my voice sounds as if I would be begging for a touch. His touch.
“Y-yeah...” he replies quietly after a moment, soon, however, it seems that he regrets badly for ever giving me his permission.
Haruki yelps suddenly while being startled once again, as I spread his legs with one impudent movement. I make another fast move into between them and grab him into my hug from his waist before he has time to say anything else. Just staying there like that, I feel how Haruki is shaking, hearing his heavy breathing, while he is not being able to move. But he’s no longer resisting. Soon I feel, how he lowers one, trembling hand on top of my head and the other behind my neck, hugging. And I realize that this place is the one I have longed for without knowing what I even miss.
“Haruki! D-don't be afraid of me! I know I’m a total douchebag, but I don’t want you to have to be afraid of me! I will never do you any harm again, I promise!! Haru -” I moan, seeing in my mind again, as I often do in my nightmares lately, how Haruki tried to fight back with tears in his eyes and hearing his broken voice begging me to stop.
How could anyone forgive that? I'm such an idiot...
“Hot, hot mess...” I soon hear the man whispering gently, while stroking my still slightly moist hair.
Haruki stops shaking little by little, almost completely at last, without either of us letting one another go anywhere. But as he begins to speak again, my grip instinctively tightens.
“To your knowledge, I have loved and being loved in my previous relationships. When you stepped into my life, I have mostly just loved. Ever since. More than once, I’ve been wondering what it would really feel like if you just suddenly disappeared from my life, permanently. Would I have finally been at ease when I no longer had to try to hide my one-sided feelings and feel ridiculed? Would I feel relieved at the time because I no longer had to miserably think about where and with whom you were, when I always almost desperately wanted to be the one, who you ended up with to spend some time? I would have finally been free to love someone else, maybe being loved again too... But - after hearing Mafuyu's song, I realized that my feelings would never die with you. Those would have just gnawed an empty place somewhere inside me for the rest of my life, while that place would be growing by that bigger and bigger, until I would just ceased to exist altogether. Place, that you have been taken over for all these years of me.”
He knows, everything. Haruki knew the whole truth all the time without even wanting to - even though I was trying to keep him hidden from that horrible truth about myself. He still wanted to stay close to me, and he would never have abandoned me fully, even though I screamed to do so with my actions, without realizing it. Even though I wanted just the opposite... After all, he's learned to know me better than even I know myself. And yet he has been able to - still. But he doesn’t know the most important thing. I couldn't tell him before, how dear he has been to me this whole time, my feelings... That he has been loved all this time, one way or another by me and others.
“I love you, Akihiko. After all, I wouldn’t be able to feel any other way. As maniac as you sometimes make me, as much as you threw sand into my eyes, trying to blind me... Trying to make me not being able to see you messing around - holding me in your choking grip while kicking the air out from my lungs when I least expected it... Seeing your heart being like totally unreachable... I still just couldn’t kick you out of my life. You are too important to me to be able to do that. You were it right from the start. Somehow you manage to lift me back to the surface, just when I’m drowning worse than ever. You've been there and that's been enough for me. You once told me that it’s ok to like a little bit more of myself. I would have said the same words to you too, but you seem to have woken up to notice it fortunately even without me... I will probably forgive you completely someday, but unfortunately it will take some time, you understand?” he says, and all I can do is cry in his arms, like hearing him saying that he wants to leave me, as anyone else would have more likely say.
But it was you!! The one who -
“Hey, look at me”, Haruki says, and I obey, even I’m totally ashamed of my ugly crying face.
He dries my tears with the sleeve of his shirt, then bends over to grab my face between his warm hands and kisses me in a way, like no one has ever kissed me before.
So calmly, lovingly. I dare not even close my eyes completely, so that he or this moment wouldn’t suddenly disappear from me.
Thanks to heavens that I’m being able to love Haruki for all this time, that is given to us.
There you have it! You can read this also in Wattpad, Fanfiction.net and Ao3. 😊
