The Real Reasons I Don’t Sleep.
It’s often that I find myself, sitting on this uncomfortable couch, awake at four in the morning. I tend to question why i’m awake as anyone in this position would. Maybe if I had closed my eyes sooner and counted sheep. One sheep, two sheep, red jeep, blue sneaks. Maybe I have ADHD. Who the fuck knows. The reality is I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and eventually i grew and became less of a problem but it sparked a habit of solitude. I sit in my own mind and think about my life, and the direction it’s going, or how i could have directed it differently. I have a girl that I genuinely love, I have a family and multiple friends who would take bullets for me. In reality I am stuck. Stuck on the moments that I look at in shame. I remember one person in particular, who in her words said “You aren’t the kind of person someone should be close to.” That pushed me into a downfall. Now I sit, a nineteen year old who has no idea how his life is gonna go and stays awake at night thinking about the empty parts inside of him. I’m not sure if they can be filled, but one thing I know for sure is even with all this happiness I still stay awake and feel more alone in my own heart then I ever did before that girl said those words. The thing i am most afraid of is that years down the line I still hear that whisper in my ear, but more than that is if someone hears something i have said when they can’t sleep.
