the storm can't grind the mountain down, it can only shift the stones
He was just so angry.
His tears, the gut wrenching sobs, they werenāt something that he had any control over.
No, this was deep, helpless, furious.
Leo listened to the cheers of the stadium that came through more like TV static than people screaming his name, celebrating a program successfully completed. If they dared call it that. He just tanked this event and he had to stand here and bow. He had to pretend he hadnāt left his heart on the ice after he botched his jump. It had beenĀ perfectĀ in warm-up. But of course he couldnāt stick it when it actuallyĀ mattered.
He didnāt want to skate off the ice, to face the kiss and cry. But he could see his coach waiting for him. He took one final moment to steel himself before skating towards her - cheers still echoing around him.Ā
āSave it.ā Leoās voice came out clipped. He took his coat from Elsie with a shaking hand.Ā
Fans from the front row smiled and waved in his direction. He wore a smile plastered to his face.Ā He gave them a small wave as he stepped off the ice, breathing hard.Ā
He glanced up at his coach. Warm pants, USA coat with a sweater underneath, micro braids pulled into a messy bun, eyes narrowed. The quiet look of soft worry written across her face made his stomach twist.Ā āDonāt look at me like that. I know we need to talk. But I don't want to hear it right now.Ā Please.ā
āOkay. Later then.ā Elsie handed him a towel, and Leo silently wiped the blades of his skate clean before clipping his yellow and orange guards into place. He handed the towel back to her and she offered a small smile. āAre you ready for the kiss and cry?āĀ
āAs Iāll ever be.ā She nodded, gesturing for him to walk ahead. She pressed a hand to his shoulder as she fell into step behind him, squeezed for just a second before letting go.Ā
Elsie understood there wasnāt anything to be said. Leo just went through a tough performance. She was sure he already had a bruise forming on his hip to prove it. Sometimes there were no words of comfort she could offer. A steady and supportive presence just had to be enough.Ā
āLeo!Ā Leo!!!Ā Over here!!!ā A small voice called from the stands and he stopped dead in his tracks. He didnāt want praise or admiration. He just wanted to go crawl in a hole, never to move again. ButĀ hisĀ disappointment wasnāt his fans' responsibility.
He took a deep breath, in for four, held four four, out for four. He said a silent prayer to the ceiling before turning to the stand and smiling at the little boy still calling his name. He was small, waving with one hand and holding a flower crown in the other.Ā
Leoās smile turned genuine at the sight. The crown looked carefully crafted, the boy that held it for him couldnāt have been more than 9. Amber eyes bright. Blond hair cut short. Freckle lined nose. Missing two canines.
āWell hello there.ā Leo stepped up to the bleachers and pointed to the crown. āDidĀ youĀ makeĀ this?ā He half shouted to be heard over the sound of the stadium.Ā His eyes widened as Leo pressed closer, getting as close as he could.Ā
āH-hi! Um- yes, my mom helped me make it. Itās for you.āĀ
āFor me? Wow, thank you.ā Leo smiled again, leaning forward to let the boy place it gently on his head. āDahlias, golden poppies, daisies, sunflowers, and babyās breath? All my favorites. You must be aĀ bigĀ fan.ā
The man standing behind the boy smiled back at Leo. āHeās been wanting to come and see you skate since he was 4, isnāt that right, bub?āĀ
The little boy nodded and Leo bit back his urge to sayĀ Iām sorry it wasnāt a better performanceĀ . He finally made it to a show just to see Leo pop his quad Toe Loop, fall when he landed his triple Axel, mistime his step out from his layback spin. At least his delayed Axel was flawlessā¦
Instead, Leo adjusted the crown, making it sit more evenly. āIām so glad you got to be here. Itās awesome that you got to come to Skate Canada! Whatās your name?āĀ
āItās great to meet you, Mylo. Listen, Iāve got to go or Iām going to be late for my own score, which would just be embarrassing, But does your Dad have a phone? We could do a really quick selfie, if you want. Then you can show your mom that I got your present.ā
āĀ PLEASE DAD!āĀ Leo thought he was going to rip the older manās hand out of his socket, the way he grabbed on and pulled.
SorryĀ . He mouthed the words with a small grimace as the father pulled a phone from his back pocket. āMay I?āĀ
Leo took the phone, holding it up and snapping several photos with Mylo, and a few with his father too, before handing it back. āĀ Thank youĀ so much for this, Mylo. It means so much to me.ā Leo blinked, tried to make the stinging in his eyes lessen. āIām going to keep it forever. Bye now.ā He waved, and then turned to catch up to Elsie.Ā
Leo half smiled. āThe biggest.āĀ
He stepped into the kiss and cry - preparing himself to fall to 6th place.Ā
Elsie offered to answer some of the reporter's questions just to give Leo the chance to make a clean break. He was eternally grateful to that woman. He made it through the moment in the kiss and cry with a dead eye smile. Listened as the announcer called his Free Skate score like it was something to beĀ proudĀ of. He stood tall and walked calmly to the locker room - hisĀ safe spaceĀ . Out of the eyes of the public for the first time all night.Ā
He pulled the flower crown off before he had even crossed the threshold, staring at it as he pushed open the door. He set it gently on his skate bag, taking a shaking breath.
The door swung shut behind him, the soft click the only sound in the empty room.Ā
Leoās scream was matched in volume only by the sound of his water bottle shattering against the wall. Plastic breaking apart from the force he had thrown it with. Water splashed across the tile and it was the least of his concerns.Ā
He had fucked up. Once again placed at the bottom of the pack because of a few missteps. Perfect for weeks in practice. Perfect in warm up. And none of it mattered when it counted. There were too many technical elements missed and his score tanked because of it. 2013 Juniors NHK Trophy. 2016 Cup of China. 2017 Internationaux de France. 2018 Grand Prix Final. 2019 Rostelecom Cup. They were stacking up. All through Juniors and now here in the Seniors - when it actually mattered.Ā
āShit!ā He slammed a fist against the lockers. āShit shit shitĀ DAMN IT!Ā ā
It was like the words were being ripped out of him.Ā
He was just soĀ angryĀ . His tears, the gut wrenching sobs, they werenāt something that he had any control over.Ā
No, this was deep, helpless,Ā furiousĀ .Ā
Leo pressed his forehead against the cool metal of the lockers, fists clenched at his sides as heĀ sobbedĀ . He didnāt know how long he stood there. How long he tried to school his breathing into something somewhat resembling even when he heard the door open behind him. There was no use. He didnāt even care anymore.Ā
Every good skater had been where he was right now. If they wanted to judge him for needing a moment to himself, it said more about them than him.Ā
āThat was hard to watch. Iām sorry it happened.ā The cool, aloof voice of Viktor Nikiforov hit his ears and Leoās eyes snapped open. āI would have personally given you a higher PCS. The judges are going to hate me when I finally weasel my way onto the board.ā He tossed Leo a wink, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. āIāve been where you are now. I donāt need to tell you thereās nothing I can say that will make you feel better.āĀ
Leo sniffled hard, scrubbed the tears off his cheeks, and nodded at the Russian legend. All the people that could walk through the door - of course it wasĀ himĀ .
āI have givenĀ everythingĀ to this sport,ā his voice was raw as it left his throat. āIāve landed those jumps flawlessly forĀ weeksĀ . Iāve lost sleep, lostĀ weightĀ , gave up free time and - and fuckingĀ family tripsĀ just to be prepared for today and it didnātĀ matterĀ . I still messed up.ā
Viktor took a seat on the bench nearest Leo, nodding slowly. āItās awful when you do everything right andĀ stillĀ mess up the performance. Thereās little in this world that leaves you feeling so terrible.ā
Leo bit back another sob, pressed his back against the lockers and sank to the floor. He pressed his face into his hands and forced himself to breathe so that he wouldnāt scream again. āAll I can think about when this happens is that maybe everyone isĀ rightĀ . Maybe I should just quit now while I have a shred of dignity left.āĀ
āDignity isnāt all itās cracked up to be, Leo.ā The older man slid down the bench, extending his poodle shaped tissue holder.
Leo wrapped his finger around the plush fur, pulling it tight to his chest. He pulled a couple tissues out and blew his nose. āThanks.āĀ
āSo you had a bad night.ā Viktor met his gaze. āWhat are you going to do about it?āĀ
Leo blinked, looking up into bright blue eyes. āIā¦ā His voice caught in his throat.Ā
This wasĀ Viktor NikiforovĀ , sitting on a bench in a locker room and listening to him sob like a heartbroken fool. He should say how heās going to brush it off, go back out there and keep doing what he loves. How heās going to live to generally fight another day. He should earn the respect of the man heās idolized forĀ so longĀ . But Leo couldnāt make himself say any of those things.Ā
Maybe it was how he was raised. To be true to himself no matter the cost. But as he stared at the man heās looked up to for so many years he found he wanted to bare his soul.Ā
He took a deep breath, shoulders shaking. āI donātĀ knowĀ . Iām so tired of never being enough. Iām justĀ so tiredĀ .āĀ
Viktor nodded, platinum fringe falling into his eyes. āItās not the type of tiredness that sleep can fix.āĀ
Leo swallowed hard, sobs finally subsiding. āSo, what am IĀ supposedĀ to do?āĀ
āI would start by replacing your water bottle. Perhaps with a metal on.ā The joke hung in the air - on a good day Leo would have laughed. But today he just stared. āThere is no definite way to fix how you are feeling right now.ā Viktorās voice was low, shaking with something that Leo couldnāt quite place. āI had never seen someone skate as if it was the answer to all of their prayers until you, Leo.āĀ
Tears slipped out of the corners of his eyes. Silent, shocked, the ones that were usually reserved for Ota and Jage.Ā
Viktor smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners. āWhen I was at my lowest, I took a season off and rebuilt Yuuri Katsuki from the ground up.ā He reached forward, plucking a tissue from the poodleās back.Ā āI was lucky - helping himā¦ It healed something in me that had been broken for a very long time. And when I came back I could finally enjoy the sport for the first time since I was 16.ā He pressed the tissue to the corner of his eye. āI donāt believe there is anything that I can say to you that will make this better for you. So Iāll tell you this - you skate like the ice is the other half of your soul.āĀ
He paused when Leo gasped, hand coming up to cover his mouth. He couldnāt believe what he was hearingā¦couldnāt pull his eyes away from Viktor.Ā
āEven with a flubbed triple Axel and a popped quad Toe Loop, what you did out there tonight was inspirational. There are competitors that see your name on the roster and panic because youāreĀ youĀ . You can trust me, Iām married to one of them. Competition is not always our friend.ā He smiled again, long arm reaching forward and picking up the flower crown Leo had cast aside. He set it gently against his head, pressing it firmly into place. āJust try to remember that the worst thing we can do to ourselves is believe that our true value as a skater comes from a number.ā
Yuuri scrolled silently through TikTok while Viktor worked long fingers through his hair. Each audio bite cut short as he lingered for a few seconds and then kept working through the feed. He wasnāt looking for anything specific, just taking in the general carnage an international competition produced online. Praise here. Shots fired there. Fan edits of programs to music that was not used in the live performances. The usual.Ā
He was careful to avoid his own name in the tags. Last night wasnāt the worst program of his career, not by a long shot. But he wasnāt happy with how it went and he was prone to taking strangerās opinions too close to heart. It has taken a lot of practice and discipline, but he was finally learning to avoid the parts of the internet that could trigger him. LikeĀ #YuuriKatsukiĀ ? He no longer followed itĀ
And, yeah, there was a chance that heād see something while scrolling throughĀ #LeodelaIglesiaĀ andĀ #LeooftheChurchĀ that might bother him. But the chances of that were low. People didnāt often discuss him and Leo in the same posts. He had to dig deep for them, something he had learned from experience on one of his darkest days.Ā
But then he landed on one that caught his attention.Ā
It was a repost - a screen recording of a post skate interview from last night. The video quality was low but the subtitles were clear, added in post for accessibility.Ā
Leo. Hair released from the bun it was styled in for his Free Skate, carefully crafted flower crown resetting on his head. He was still in his costume, black pants and a deep orange shirt shot through with yellows and pinks. It made Yuuri think of a sunset.Ā
His black USA jacket obscured some of the colors, and the lack of a medal around his neck was glaringly obvious. His eyes were bright and even on the small screen it was obvious he had been crying. Puffy, bloodshot eyes, dark circles, ears and nose red from more than just the cold. Yuuri frowned, he could feel for the guy. Heād been there on countless occasionsā¦
But despite the signs of previously shed tears he stood tall, calmly faced a reporter that didnāt bother to hide the bite in their question. āHow are you feeling about placing sixth again, Mr. Iglesia?ā
Yuuriās thumb hovered over the screen, ready to scroll as his chest tightened under the weight of that question. He hesitated, watching expecting a forced smile and a sharp pivot to the standard pre-approved PR statement.Ā
Leoās smile was tired but certain. āDisappointed.ā His voice was steady and Yuuri gasped softly. āBut these things happen. The worst thing I can do right now is believe that my true value as a skater comes from a number.āĀ
The video looped. Leo sounds grounded, the flower crown frames him in warmth and yellow petals. Yuuriās thumb clicked the comments.Ā
SushiRush:Ā Honestly??????? KING BEHAVIOR!!!!! š
Ā Ā -Replies- Ā Ā ā¤ļø 6.2k Ā Ā š
LuigiCore:Ā We love to see a man that knows his worth!!!
Ā Ā -Replies- Ā Ā ā¤ļø 303Ā Ā Ā š
CrazyScarySpooky:Ā Are you kidding? āDisappointedā? āļøš„ø I think you meant āDisappointed but not surprisedāĀ
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Ā Ā |
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā SpotDot:Ā omg imagine leaving this comment and thinking that ANYONE was going to support you.Ā
SkatingRotating:Ā ššššššššššššššš MY BOYĀ
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ElaborateEstimate:Ā REALĀ
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Yuuri looked up, catching Viktorās reflection in the mirror ā standing a few feet back, fingers still working idly on braiding Yuuriās hair for the exhibition skate tonight. Their eyes met in the glass.Ā
āDid you see this video of Leo thatās trending this morning?ā Yuuriās voice was low.
āI did.ā Viktor tied off Yuriās braid, using a couple bobby pins to keep it in place. He tucked his own hair behind his ear as he smiled. āHe is a well-spoken and talented young man. I am eager to see what he does tonight.āĀ
āVitya?ā Yurriās voice dropped even lower.Ā
VIktor leaned close, wrapping his arms around him, keeping their eyes locked in the mirror. āYes, my love?āĀ
Yuuri leaned into him, shoulders pressed to chest. āDoes that interview have anything to do with you telling meĀ notĀ to follow you into the locker room last night?āĀ
Viktor grinned, soft and heart shaped and unapologetic. āWhat else was I supposed to do? He deserved to have his breakdown in peace, Yuuri~ā It never got old, the way Viktor said his nameĀ like it was a song.Ā
Yuuri turned to look up at Viktor, unable to stop his own grin. āExactly how many skaterās careers are you planning to save, Vitya?āĀ
āHmmmā¦ā Viktor feigned consideration. āI donāt know. However many it takes to keep the sport interesting, I suppose.āĀ
āThat doesnāt sound as altruistic as you think it does, Viktor.āĀ
āDoes it not?ā Blue eyes blinked down at him.Ā
āNo. Weāll have to practice for when people start questioning you about what you said to Leo last night. You might be the most selfish man Iāve ever met but the world doesnāt need to know that.ā He squeezed Viktorās wrist. āCome on, swap places with me. Iāll braid your hair. And we can practice what to say while we do.āĀ
Viktor whined. āYou think I'm selfish?ā
āDo you dare deny it?ā Yuuri pressed a soft kiss to his husbandās lips. āCome on, budge. We have to get your hair ready and you know itās going to take about three hours to get it to lay the way you want it to.āĀ
Viktor slowly pulled his arms off Yuuri, allowing the man to stand. He set his phone on the table, face down and locked. Viktor took a seat and relaxed the moment Yuuri ran his fingers through his hair. āVitya?āĀ
āWhat else did you tell him?āĀ
Viktor opened his eyes, tipped his head back to look up at him. āThe truth.āĀ
Yuuri raised an eyebrow.Ā
āThat he is an inspiration.ā
----------------------------------------------------
Howdy! šš» If you made it this far, thank you for reading!
I wrote this today after being inspired while listening toĀ Stained Glass by Danny Schmidt.
It's a beautiful song that has often made me think of Leo - today for whatever reason- I decided to do something about that. He's such a gentle soul and I don't know - a break down in the locker room, a rare moment of "I can't do this anymore" just seemed so...honest. āļøš¦ He's just such a beacon of light it makes me wonder what happens behind closed doors.
So of course Viktor finds him and says exactly what he needs to hear - the words that once may have saved little Viktor. š„ŗš
Someday I may go back into this and give it the God-tier prose that I think it deserves. But for now this is enough.
I miss this show. I miss this fandom. I miss how real the characters felt when I was younger and Yuuri Katsuki made me feel less alone.
I hope I've done them justice. I hope I continue to do so.
I hope you like what you read. Regardless of your enjoyment, I hope the world is kind to you. š
Yuri on ICE tumblr isĀ skating-rotating!. Feel free to stop by if you want to chat about a fandom that is slowly fading.
Thanks, as always, if you decided to use your precious time on Earth to read my words. It means more to me than you know. ā„ļø
Martininini āøļøšš»āØ
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