7 days of writing challenge, day 5, 3/12/21:
I sat on the shower floor, the warm spray poor down my back. I drew my knees up to my chest, and folded my arms on top of my knees, and rested my head on my arms. I think about the way she told me that my mental illnesses can make some outings hard, and that it was easier if I stayed behind.
I know this is true, but it still hurts. I am not angry at her, but I am unsettled, so I sit down in the calming cocoon of water and prepare to have a serious conversation with myself.
“Why did those words hurt you?” Self Reflexion asked me, cocking its head to the side. “ Because she is my friend, and she called me weak.” I answered.
“Then why aren’t you mad!?” Indignation and Fear asked in unison, their voices low but harsh.
“I know that my mental illnesses cause problems,” I tried to explain. “It wasn’t coming out of a place of malice, but concern.”
Empathy nods in agreement to this, and graces me with a gentle smile. “She always supports you when you do have an episode of anxiety or depression!” Loyalty was quick to add.
“But besides the stress having an episode puts on you,” Guilt interjected, “ It also puts stress on your friends and family and can ruin their plans.”
“ It’s not her responsibility to manage my mental illnesses!” Frustration adds its voice to Indignation and Fear’s chorus.
“It makes me feel useless,” I tell them, trying not to cry.
“You manage your mental health extremely well!” Confidence tells me, take my hand in it’s own.
“ But I think you should distance yourself from her,” Trauma whispers from behind me. “She will leave you behind if you are a burden to her.”
I begin to turn towards Trauma, but Cunning stops me by saying “If you have more friends, then if she leaves you then it’s not a big deal.” Cunning shrugs one shoulder before being pushed aside by Nihilism.
“ Everyone’s leaves,” it reminds me with a soft smile. “Whether voluntarily or involuntarily. So you might as well enjoy the relationships you have while you have them.”
I ponder this for a moment before Expression waves for my attention and tells me “ You should expand your friend group, and you should be able confide in your other friends too”.
“But what if it causes a rift between her and you and the rest” Fear sputters.
“What if it doesn’t and it just makes you feel better?”
Nihilism puts a hand on Fear’s shoulder to calm it. “Neither of these actions or reactions will change anything in the grand scheme of the universe, but they matter for you, and those you care about.”
“But-“ Anxiety leaps onto Fear’s back and peaks over its shoulder at me.
“But, the water is running cold.” Pragma says, breaking the tension in the room.
I lift my head from my knees. So it is.
“ We haven’t made any decisions yet!” Self Reflection stops me from my attempt to get off the shower floor.
“ No, we didn’t,” I agree. “But I do feel better now that I’ve thought it out. And that’s something, right?”.
“Right” many voices grumped together.
“ One step at a time”, I try to remind myself.
“First, it’s time to shower. I’ll deal with the rest after that.