Slice A Pear

"Slice a pear and you will find that its flesh is incandescent white. It glows with inner light. Those who carry a knife and a pear are never afraid of the dark." - Virgil, /Beatrice & Virgil/ by Yann Martel I've lived my life so wrong for so long. I've...

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Lucky in Love

It’s been a while, close to three years I am sure! Like most of my hobbies, writing tends to come in waves with great distances between the swells. Tonight though, I’m feeling the need to express my love and gratitude for my husband in words. So here we go.

I’m always grateful for my husband. For those of you who know us, or for anyone who has ever read my “How We Met” series, you know how incredible he is. You know that we went on our first date when I was eight months pregnant (our first date was EXACTLY a month before my due date). You know that he told me he was okay just being friends if that is what I wanted, that he was happy waiting for me to be ready if I just needed time. You know he never presumed he had a right to my time, space, or body. He would visit often, leave late (often 11 or 12 pm on work nights) and still have an hour long drive home. He never even packed a just-in-case overnight bag because he was THAT unassuming.

You will also know that he was with me when I went into labour, you know that he was one of four support people who were there for me throughout the birthing process (the other three being my parents and my best friend).

There is so much to our story between then and now, and maybe one day I will fill in the blanks, but my focus today comes right back to that birth experience. As of this moment, we are pregnant with our second child. I am lucky enough to have my care being handled by a fantastic group of midwives, and through them we are offered these intimate and super informative group appointments which can be described as in-depth pre-natal classes. Each appointment covers a different topic (from nutrition to pelvic floor health to the labour process). Today, our guest speaker was a doula who spoke about comfort measures during pregnancy and how our support people can comfort and help us through our birth.

This became very emotional for me, because I remember how there my husband was for the first birth, even after a mere month of dating and having no biological connection to my baby. Birth is scary, and raw, and incredibly intense. It not not for the faint of heart and he was  so there for all of it. He kept me as comfortable and distracted as he could at my home when it was still too early to go to the hospital. He was right beside me at the hospital massaging my hand or foot or back, offering cold cloths. He did everything I needed when I needed it.

 Remembering his commitment for me so early and and for such a large, life changing event had me absolutely overwhelmed with love for him. It took nearly all of my energy to keep myself from full-on sobbing in front of everyone in the group, though some silent tears and sniffles managed to happen anyway. At that moment, the doula was talking about being genuine in your support and made a reference to those fake hugs where people awkwardly pat your back. I was sitting with my back to my husband on the floor, trying not to cry, and he then pats my head awkwardly making a silent joke about the type of hug just referenced. It was adorable, and sweet, and silly, and it put a huge smile on my face.

                           - This man is my husband -

I truly couldn’t be more in love, more grateful, or anymore lucky. I know that he is here for me and our family, always. For that, and everything else that he is and represents, I love him.

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Abuse Part 1.5 (Potential Triggers)

Some of you may be aware that about seven years ago I was in an abusive relationship, either by speaking with me in person, or by having already read Part 1. I had written that post with the idea that it would be a little bit of a series for two reasons; the first reason was I wanted to let people know that “50 Shades of Grey” is not romantic. It glorifies an abusive relationship - one all to similar to my own. My second reason was I had never properly dealt with the trauma of that relationship, and my goal was to use blogging/journaling to work through the issues I still had because of that relationship. I put the project on hold, however, because I was pregnant and wanted to avoid creating an over abundance of stress hormones to share with my unborn child. Once my son was born, I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to it. It was too difficult, too heavy, I just wanted to be happy.

Now, while I may have avoided writing about the situation, I did seek out help and managed to discover that the local women’s shelter was run by a charity that offers free services to women who have been abused. It took some time, but eventually I was able to get in to speak to a counselor. The help I have received from these sessions has been absolutely invaluable. For anyone reading this who has experience some sort of trauma - regardless of type - I urge you to find someone who knows what they’re talking about. I used to think that hashing out my memories, the details of the abuse, with friends was helpful. I used to think that going over the events in my mind, in my written word, was helpful. It’s not. I lacked a fundamental understanding of how trauma affects the  brain, how your brain stores and processes events in your life, and because of that I was actually reinforcing the trauma, the negative events. I focused on the details of the abuse rather than my moments of strength. It has been an incredible journey thus far. I won’t detail every session, I don’t feel that I need to, but today was especially powerful and I need to speak on it.

So as I’ve said, counseling has been incredible. I didn’t know what to expect initially, but it has been an unbelievably positive experience. I have been able to progress in leaps and bounds. Counseling, coupled with my sweet baby boy and amazing partner has put me on a path of intense healing. My son has been a catalyst for so much positive change. He is the light of my life and I want to be the best, healthiest, most present parent I can be. He gives my life so much joy. And I feel as though my being so affected by a past relationship is sometimes really difficult for my partner, but I don’t know what I would do without his unwavering love and support. He is behind me 100% and cares about my well-being and happiness above all else. These things combined are the ultimate trifecta of healing.

I went into this experience hoping that I would be able to move away from the abuse, to be able to separate my current life from the old one. I wanted to be able to process the abuse enough to be able to avoid being triggered unexpectedly in the future. I wanted to disconnect, to no longer be affected. What I never wanted was to feel forgiveness or compassion. I’ve seen many times on TV people talking about how they had forgiven their abuser/rapist/person who murdered their mother/etc. and I always thought to myself, “how? I could NEVER forgive someone if that happened to me”. My abuser, I thought, didn’t deserve my forgiveness. And yet...

We had already gone over on our time limit and my counselor was just writing down my next appointments for me. While she was doing that I decided to as her if abusers were conscious of the fact they were being abusive. Are they self aware? She said the following:

“Do I think they wake up in the morning and say to themselves, ‘Today I am going to be the shittiest, most despicable, hateful person I can be today’? No. I see them as little people, who, for whatever reason be it they were abused, or they watched abuse take place, their family was drunk or hung over, or just otherwise neglectful, needed to create coping mechanisms in order to get their needs met. They aren’t like your son, who will get the love and attention he needs when he needs it. They need to learn other tactics. These mechanisms become more and more sophisticated as they grow older. So when they wake up in the morning, and they have those sad emotions that they need to deal with, the lack of self confidence, it makes them feel better when they can have power over someone else, to say, ‘See! At least I’m doing better than you’. People ask me how I can do this job and not hate every man ever, but it is because I picture them as little people first.”

If I hadn’t been a mother, I don’t think this would have affected me greatly, but as soon as she spoke about them being children, my heart broke. I was in tears. Without realizing it, without ever having wanted it, I felt compassion for my abuser. I felt forgiveness. I felt pity. He wasn’t always a monster. He was once just a little boy who wanted to be loved. He was a little boy whose mother abandoned him. A little boy with a father incapable of emotion, a man incapable of showing love and affection, a man who only knew how to be harsh, who was never fully present. My abuser was a little boy who felt alone and unloved. A little boy abandoned. A little boy who never felt safe or supported, who could never confide in his parents. So I cried. I cried because I was able to picture my baby son, so sweet, and innocent, so in need of me and the love I provide to him, being that little boy who had none of that. My son doesn’t deserve that, and neither did my abuser. So I forgave him.

This of course in no way excuses his actions, it merely humanizes them. I thought that I would always be angry and I was happy in that thought. Forgiveness though - it lightens you. A weight was lifted from me today. In an offhanded question I somehow managed to get THE answer. I have healed so much, I have learned so much about myself throughout this process, and today I accomplished something I didn’t think possible and never wished to be possible. I learned what it is to truly forgive and let go. I know that I will be okay. That these wounds are closing and soon the scars will fade. I am resolved to never let my children experience the type of childhood my abuser did. I will change the world through my children. I will teach them what it means to be loved, and through them the world will be a better place. 

Love really is the answer.

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How I met the love of my life Part 3

So last we left off, we had established that our situation was a weird one, but that we liked each other and were willing to continue seeing each other and see where it led. That was on Sunday. On Monday, I decided I would head down to Nanaimo because I needed to shop for nursing bras (glamorous, I know). I let him know I’d be down there if he wanted to meet up at all. We ended up going to dinner, then a movie (quintessential date night!), and it was “my choice”. As a testament to his dedication to “my choice” he would have let me pick Magic Mike XXL if I had been so inclined! What a guy!

Now it’s Tuesday. At some point I get a text from him saying, “Tonight is too soon to see each other again, right?” I get butterflies even NOW looking at that text. Excuse my French, but HOW FUCKING CUTE IS HE?! I think I played it really cool (I wanted to see him, obviously, but again EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT and my brain was all WTF IS HAPPENING?!) and in some lame way said it was “okay” for him to come up. I’m not 100%, but I am pretty darn sure we had our first kiss that night!

That week I got super sick! I was 38 weeks pregnant and sick. It was awful. I had a couple of doctor’s appointments. He asked about them - even my OBGYN. He always asked about the appointments for the baby. Asked when they were, what happened during them, how they went. No one else besides my parents bothered to ask or show an interest in those appointments. It meant so much to me. It still does.

That week, the only day we DIDN’T see each other was Wednesday. And he showed up in the morning on the Friday. Needless to say, at this point I was pretty gosh darn into him. That weekend I was still CRAZY sick. The worst cold of my life. He took such good care of me. He let me sleep when I needed to. Brought me food and water, and on one of the nights went into town after midnight to go find me some cold medication because I was having such a rough time - even after I said not too. He genuinely cared about my well-being and comfort. If I had to choose a single word to describe this man, Genuine would be at the top of my list. I should also note (I just remembered this bit, should have happened in Part 1) that after our second date (I think - may have been third - either way super early on), I went to show someone his picture, and the only one I had was on his POF profile, and his profile was gone. After date #2 (or #3 haha) he had already deleted his dating profile. This was one of many, many significant things that he did that proved to me his genuine interest.

He met me on Tuesday (July 28 for any of you losing track) in Qualicum where I was having dinner with my parents. We made fun of his terrible posture and the way he slouched over his food like he thought someone was going to steal it - poor guy! He came back home with me and spent the night again. At this point he kept dropping hints about waiting for an email. This secret email was driving me CRAZY since my sense of curiosity is off the hook and I JUST WANTED TO KNOW! But he wouldn’t help me and kept dropping hints. He did this for quite a few days. I found out about the email when I heard a “Dammit!” from my living room one evening (probably the weekend that followed this Qualicum dinner). I asked what was wrong. He told me he had received that email he had been waiting for - it was an art book by my favorite artist James Jean - but as soon as he received the email he realized I already owned the book.

Now, this is significant to me. Not because he thoughtfully bought me another gift (though, that in itself is definitely sweet), what was significant about this gift was the fact that I had only ONCE mentioned my love of this artist - on our second date. For someone to not only listen and care about what you have to say and your interests so deeply is really telling. He was and is so especially spectacular on so many levels.

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How I met the love of my life Part 2

So last I left off at the end of our Wednesday night date. It went so well, and by date #3 he had already proven himself to be more attentive, caring, and thoughtful than all of my previous boyfriends combined (by a SHAMEFUL margin, might I add). Again, I’m not sure exactly WHEN he asked if he could come see me again, but he did in short order. He planned to come back to visit on the Friday after work. As it happens, my landlady was throwing  a party for her schoolmates, all of whom had just graduated from the construction program at the local college - one of those classmates being my father. So on date #4 this poor boy was meeting my parents and being thrown into a large social situation where, as a quiet, shy person, must have been incredibly daunting. But guess what? He came anyway. He WANTED to be there.

I should note here as well, he was aware I didn’t have any comfortable furniture - which, if you’ve ever been pregnant, you KNOW is a big deal. So he showed up with a super cozy love seat from his place he wasn’t using. I felt a little weird about accepting this as a gift as we were on date #4 and I was still not sure what on Earth I was doing, buuuuuuut I also really liked the idea of having even the slightest bit of comfort. That’s beside the point - the point being that so early on he was already just so considerate and selfless in everything he did.

The night went well. I felt a little bad for putting him so far out of his element, (truth be told I was out of mine as well) so eventually we made our way inside to spend the rest of the night alone. Later in the evening he said he should go. I felt bad that he would be driving an hour home again late, and told him he could stay if he wanted. He was soooo unassuming that he didn’t even pack a just-in-case over night bag, (which, in case you are wondering, earned him even more brownie points! As a woman you are SO used to men trying to take advantage).

In the morning my parents invited us for breakfast at their house (they lived behind me) and we went. I kinda felt bad for him since it was probably insanely nerve-wracking and a little weird to be meeting my parents after only a handful of dates, let alone going to their house for a meal! To make matters even more intense, my dad grilled him on his life story and philosophy. To be cliche, I felt a bit as though I wanted a hole to open up and swallow me up! Dad! Not now! I barely know the guy! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Well, my parents aren’t easily impressed, and to say they haven’t been fans of my previous boyfriends, well, that could be an understatement. The fact that I could visually SEE that my dad was liking this guy... THAT was a big deal. Welp. He ended up staying the entire weekend. We went to see the sandcastles in Parksville and went to the lake, a market downtown. It was a full weekend. He even took me to the hospital on Saturday night because I wasn’t sure if my water had broken or not! He didn’t mind any of it! Eventually, on Sunday I had to kick him out. This was a little awkward. I was going to visit the paternal grandmother, and didn’t feel it would be appropriate to bring him along. So as he is about to leave, he leans in for a kiss, I turned away - completely by accident! But if I had known he was going for a kiss I have no clue what I would have done! I had truly enjoyed my weekend with him. I definitely thought he was something special, but I was EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT and so unsure of if I could handle starting something new. In short, I was scared.

I received a text from him shortly after he left asking why I didn’t want a kiss, and wanting to know if I just wanted to be friends. He was always so understanding of my situation and my feelings. I told him I would be “a total crazy person to not continue to get to know [him] and see how things [went]”. Clearly, I was right. I WOULD have been crazy not to keep seeing him and just letting the chips fall where they may. He made it clear he wanted something, but that he was okay with going at whatever pace I needed, and that a baby didn’t scare him. “So let’s just take it slowly”.

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It’s been a while/How I met the love of my life Part 1

It has been quite a while since I last posted. Heck! I don’t even remember what my last post WAS! So I guess I should give an update in any case.

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(I took time to refresh my memory on my last post)

So since my last post, it would be a bit of a understatement to say that a lot has happened. Shortly after ditching that flirtationship, I joined up on Plenty of Fish for a bit of window shopping. End of June/early July I was just about 8 MONTHS PREGNANT (like wow!) and I was in no way interested in meeting anyone. I was once again comfortable with being single and determined to be the best mom I could be with or without a partner. That being said, I still enjoy looking!

To be honest, I was SHOCKED at the level of interest I received despite being massively pregnant. Granted, half of the interest was probably more of a, “I’ve never banged a PREGNANT chick before!”, but regardless, I was surprised. I chatted with a few people and guys still wanted to meet up, I refused. I was 100% not interested in meeting anyone at this point. Eight months pregnant is a weird time to meet someone. It’s not a lot of time for either of you to get to know each other or to come to terms with a child being around super early on in the relationship. So here I am, chatting to guys, turning down meetups, and I find HIS profile. He was cute, his write up seemed sweet. Simple. I couldn’t help myself. I sent him a message. We chatted and eventually traded numbers. We texted back and for a couple of weeks. He finally asked to meet me (”I’m going to be in town visiting a friend - I’d like to see you before I head back home”). I agreed. Reluctantly. Like I said, I REALLY didn’t want to meet anyone. 

Well, the day arrives and I’m feeling apprehensive. He texts me to confirm and I chicken out a little. I say I have to mow my parents lawn so I won’t be ready at the time we agreed to meet, that it would be okay if he wanted to go home instead of waiting for me - he didn’t bite. He said, “It’s okay. I’d really like to meet you. I can wait”. Guess that didn’t work! I cut the lawn and went on my way. I didn’t know what to expect. Would he look like his picture? What if that one picture was just a trick picture? Would it be awkward meeting him? (it’s always awkward!!) Gah! Well as I get out of my car and head inside, I hear my name, “Kristie!” and turn around. There he is. I’m so anxious. I don’t think I really looked at him. I was just a ball of nerves. We sit down inside and I finally allow myself to look him in the eye, take him all in. Oh. He’s cute. He’s REALLY cute. Handsome. He  has piercing, sharp eyes - is that his real eye colour? (The answer is “No” btw. He had grey contacts in). Strong, square jawline, absolutely ADORABLE, big dimples. He is lean, but his muscles look strong and sinewy. Broad shoulders, slim waist. Okay. I can do this.

I don’t remember much of our conversation from that meeting. I do remember he was pretty quiet, and I rambled on and on and on (as I seem to do when I’m nervous), I left still feeling anxious. I liked him, he seemed nice, but I still didn’t know if I was interested in anything. I still felt like I absolutely didn’t want anything, but I sent him a text to let him know I enjoyed meeting him. 

I don’t remember exactly the order of things or how quickly it happened, but he asked if he could come see me again the next weekend. I was still nervous and apprehensive - but I agreed. I was a little bit more comfortable this time, but I still rambled on and on (poor guy! But he says it worked for him as he is so quiet), I remember talking about art, my favourite artist. Comic books. Video games. It was a good time. I remember he hugged me as we said good-bye - I was still so unsure and a little freaked out! I liked his company, I was attracted to him, he felt so sweet and so genuine, but I was still eight months pregnant and so it was SO intense and scary at the same time!

Well, he asked if he could see me again - but didn’t want to wait until the next weekend. He came up on Wednesday. I had been talking about the movie “O Brother Where Art Thou” a lot. I LOVE that movie and I LOVE the soundtrack (the only thing I listened to while I was pregnant practically), and I complained that I had searched for the DVD multiple times and just couldn’t ever find it in stores. Well. It was our third date and what do you think he arrived with? The DVD as a gift. I was a little awestruck. He really listened and clearly cared enough to want to try and make me smile. It was a really lovely night. We “watched” the movie (get your mind out of the gutter!) but ended up chatting through the entire thing. He had to work early the next morning, but didn’t leave until well after 12am to do his hour long drive back home.

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Relationships

So this past year has been a big one for me in a lot of ways, but one way that is particularly significant for me at this moment (due to the happenings of today) is all the lessons I’ve learned in regards to romantic relationships.

January 2014 saw the end of my most serious relationship to date and my first ever entry on this blog details the particular mistakes and lessons I learned there.

There have been enough guys since then, however, for me to realize some significant and general mistakes I always seem to make when it comes to the men I end up seriously interested in.

The first mistake I make is becoming infatuated. Infatuation is a dangerous thing because this is what ends up clouding your judgement. You become so head over heels that you lose all ability to rationally perceive the object of your affection and ignore any obvious flaws, faults, and/or red flags you would otherwise be able to see (like you would for the love interest of a friend, for instance). If you are able to like/lust/love someone without falling into the smothering claws of infatuation, you stand a remarkably better chance of seeing a person for who they truly are rather than what you wish the to be.

The second (and probably biggest issue personally) mistake is to give a guy (or gal, depending on your preference) the benefit of the doubt. Now, some people may argue that we should give others the benefit of the doubt, and I agree - with specific limitations. For example, if a co-worker who is normally friendly snaps at you or customers, or a friend or loved one of many years does something upsetting, or even if a perfect stranger is rude to you - these are all perfect instances of when it it appropriate and even preferable to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, if you are entering into a new relationship and need to give your love interest this courtesy - then you are (in my experience) deliberately ignoring your instincts and better judgement.

Anyone who is worth your time will not put you in a position like this (hopefully) ever, and at very least not so early on (negative actions early on should always be a warning sign - things will not get better). I find when this happens it is a glaringly obvious red flag and you’re best to end things rather than allow an opportunity for that sort of behavior to continue.

Third, I find that with all my relationships I have always been the person to put in the majority - if not all of - the effort. I am always the person willing to make the large sacrifices, I am always the one making the romantic gestures, who cooks meals, who puts a strong effort into making my partner feel good. I am now learning to be aware when these gestures are not being reciprocated. Dating is, to be cliche, a dance and it takes two to tango. Both parties should make equal, consistent romantic and thoughtful gestures, be willing to compromise and sacrifice equally. I have yet to be in a relationship where I experience this.

Lastly, I learned that no man has any business making me feel insecure - with or without intent. If you’re meant to be with someone and if they are deserving of you, they will always ADD to your self confidence, never subtract from it.

So, I have learned these lessons, but have I been able to put my new found knowledge to use?

In March I began a flirtatious and tentative relationship with a man I met at work. I found that I really clicked with him. There was a lot about me and how I acted with him that was completely different than any other experience with men I’ve had previously.

One: I was in no way infatuated. I liked him, yes, but that was it. I felt level headed and open to seeing who he was - not who I wanted him to be. Though I did not see any glaring red flags, I was reasonably cynical of any actions, words, and/or personality traits.

Two: I wasn’t scared to be honest. I made sure he was aware of my situation, that I was pregnant, not necessarily looking for a relationship (though open to the idea), but absolutely not into anything casual. I told him frankly on many occasions that I liked him, that I wouldn’t stick around if he was seeing other women because, although that would be his right as he was not my boyfriend, it would hurt and upset me and I had no interest in sticking around for that.

Rather than being terrified to admit my feelings for him and how I would be hurt by him if he saw someone else and/or decided to leave and not stick around, it was liberating and empowering to express these thoughts plainly. I owned my feelings and emotions and therefore they could not be weaponized (either deliberately or by accident) and made it much easier for me to make the decision to end this dalliance.

I feel particularly strong today. I recognized the signs of a toxic relationship: lack of effort, small lies and/half truths - the small manipulations that go along with that, how my mood had become affected by him in increasingly negative ways and I took action. I didn’t allow it to continue. I realized this person was no longer worth my time, that I deserved much better, and I cut him out.

And while initially I was sad, and there is the lingering feeling of disappointment, I know I acted in the best way possible, that I handled the situation with grace, and that ultimately I made the right decision. I am so incredibly proud of my candor, my confidence, and the fact that I didn’t let this relationship continue while knowing I deserve so much more. I feel like this year has been one of extreme growth and I can move forward knowing I have the ability to be open and honest with any future boyfriends, while being fearless when it comes to making sure I am treated how I deserve, and confident in my ability to cut out anyone who is not worth my love and effort.

If you asked me this morning, I would have told you today was a sad day, but now I say today was an amazing day.

Go me!

[marshmallow-song]

March 7, 2015

Hello baby! So while this journal is meant to document my journey through pregnancy with you, I also want to use it as a way to communicate with you and for us to connect. I will use this as a tool for me to discover and affirm the type of mother I want to be.

This means that amongst my entries of doctors visits, how I feel physically and emotionally - there will also be entries where I discuss affirmations on my “Mommy Seed List”. These affirmations or “Seeds” will all be in regards to how I want to parent and what I will need to do to achieve them for you.

I want to be the best mom I can be and that starts now.

~Mommy Seed List~

-I love and respect my child as I love and respect myself

-I always pay attention and listen to my what my child says and will always give them a thoughtful response

-I take care of the needs of my child and see that they are always happy

-I understand that my child is an individual and I will give them space to express their individuality

-I will not force my child to conform to gender norms and will love and respect them regardless of gender or sexuality

-I will teach my child to respect people of differing cultures, gender identity, ethnicity, and sexuality

-I will teach my child to think critically and to question authority - this includes me

-I take an active interest in my childs studies and help guide them whenever possible

-I strive for my child to be well rounded and will encourage their talents and interests

-I will strive to see the world through my child’s eyes and appreciate it anew with them

-I will encourage my child to be curious and help them maintain their joy and wonder of our world

-I tell my child I love them daily as well as always proving so via my actions

-I will always be honest with my child

- I will never make my child feel judged

-I will create an open amd loving environment that will encourage (but not force) my child to want to confide in me

-I will always maintain a sex positive attitude and use proper, scientific terms and facts when discussing the body and sex education, as well as making sure they know where to find the information themselves should they be uncomfortable discussing sex with me

-I will never hit my child as a form of discipline

-I will always do my best to maintain a calm demeanor when upset

-I will not be afraid or too proud to apologize to my child

-My child is my equal in value, though not life experience and I will treat them as such

-My child’s thoughts and feelings carry weight and value and I will respect them

-I will not over indulge my child

This is by no means an exhaustive list - but for now a great place to start! One by one I will go through these and explore how I plan to make each seed a reality for you!

I love you baby!

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For any of you who might be interested - I started a blog to document my journey towards and through motherhood! Tryinf to be the best mom I can be! Check it out!

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Identify three people you admire. What would you ask each one?

Is it cheating to say my mom and dad? Probably. It seems to be a given, so I guess I'll try to think of people not so close to home. 1) Sir Ken Robinson. His talks and writings on education and finding your passion in life are incredibly inspired. Other than picking his brain about his thoughts on our education system, I would ask his opinion on how I could personally find and/or put my passion to use since that has always been my greatest challenge. http://tinyurl.com/o2be6sl 2) It's a tie between Richard Dawkins and Neil deGrasse Tyson. I respect both men for their soaring intellects, their drive to make science an approachable subject, and their "no nonsense" way of dealing with religion. Everything they do is gold! I'd ask them about the best way people like me can discuss and share science with others. What is the best way to help people understand the scientific method? How do you make people aware that every day they use scientific achievements and help them to learn to think critically in a positive, educated way. Neil: http://tinyurl.com/phxtd2w Richard: http://tinyurl.com/qblg327 3) Lastly I come to Laci Green. She is someone who I could truly learn a great deal from - especially considering she is the only one on my list I could consider my peer. She has all the same feminist ideals as me, but has proven herself insanely capable of delivering these ideals in a warm, approachable manner - whereas I often allow my emotions to tarnish the way I deliver the same message. I think she is spectacular and would obviously ask her advice on how I could de - polarize the way I say things. http://tinyurl.com/napy5wa

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I Love to Clean and Keep My Space Tidy

Well, there is no doubt that I enjoy a clean space over a messy or disorganized one. However, I often lack the motivation to put things away once I'm done with them. Obviously this creates a snowball effect and ends up with me living in a mess! Sometimes I do actually have better things to do than clean and tidy, and sometimes I truky do not have the time, but I think it is safe to say that most times it is because I am just being plain ol' lazy. So I really do not have an excuse. And now that I have a baby on the way (yes - I'm pregnant!), it is even more important for me to stay on top of this. I don't think I can really analyze this any deeper. I just need to be aware of what I need to do and just get it done. Cleaning that one cup now is a lot easier than having to clean 10 of them all at once later on. Really, I save myself time and energy by dealing with messes as they happen rather than ignoring them and letting them pile up! So I will make this simple - once I finish woth an item I put it away immediately. Time to kickstart some good habits!

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Abuse Part 1 (potential triggers)

So recently I have come to the realization that I have never truly dealt with the one and only abusive relationship I have been unfortunate enough to find myself in. I keep thinking I've moved past how it effected me, but then something hits me out of nowhere and I realize how much it still fucks with me. It is my goal this year (amongst other things) to finally process the abuse and move forward more than I've been able to in the past. I thought I could do one entry on this topic but very quickly realized that that would be impossible. This will be split up into sections and I have no time table attached to this project - I will try to do posts that are more positive in between ones regarding this "relationship". This was an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship - so this is your trigger warning. Some people might wonder why I am posting this in a public forum - but I strongly believe talking opening about our issues (if we can and are comfortable doing so) can really help destroy stigmas on issues such as abuse and open up opportunities for discussion and people to seek help. Without further ado - my first journal entry on the topic: February 17, 2015 All this "50 Shades of Grey" nonsense has been getting to me - I am aware that I can be volatile sometimes - perhaps even often. Some things I understand that I do not need to get worked up the way I do. I know that I need to channel my anger into more productive outlets in most cases - but with all the issues "50 Shades" brings up I have a difficult - if not impossible time - keeping my emotions and anger in check. Every argument I hear that defends this horrible series - or almost worse - makes light of the whole "controversy" surrounding it just hits me deep in my core. I have admittedly lashed out in less than positive ways. I am writing this now for two reasons: to give people a very real, intimate, and personal account of what it is like to date someone like Christian Grey and to finally deal with the abuse I suffered and hopefully begin some long overdue healing. I met Winston at work. He was a customer that came in fairly regularly. We never talked much but we were friendly. I thought he was beautiful. I was always excited when he came in; he was one of my favorites. Eventually we had a chance encounter at a student art exhibition (I was in art school at the time and he was there to sing and play guitar). We spoke and I found out his name. We became friendlier and I became even more infatuated with his good looks. For a while our relationship didn't change much, it stayed fairly superficial and this would ultimately (in my opinion) be my downfall. I was falling for him before I was able to get to know him and this ended up blinding me to his glaringly obvious faults (and faults is putting it mildly). So after we met at the arts show I plucked up the courage to add him to facebook. We began chatting online and not too long that evoluted into Skype video calls. When we first started talking he was out of town for work. This distance was a boon for him and very bad for me - the distance only created a situation where my infatuation was able to grow while simultaneously masking much of his true personality. There were definitely red flags that I was all too keen to ignore or make excuses for at this point - but should we have been meeting in person I believe they would have been harder to ignore. Would meeting and getting to know each other that way rather than through Facebook and Skype changed how things worked out? I couldn't answer with any certainty, but I believe it would have at least given me a better chance to overcome his initial manipulations. They say hindsight is 20/20 and in this case I find it to be especially true. Winston would use what "pick up artists" call "negs" or what us laymans call backhanded compliments. They are designed to put a woman down just enough to make her question her confidence while at the same time reeling her in closer - to make her want to earn the man's approval. They are subtle and sadly work all too well. Winston 100% used this technique on me (he even owned the Pick Up Artists guide or whatever it is called - um hello - can you say RED FUCKING FLAG?!) and as I was aleeady feeling infatuated they worked very well. I wanted his approval, I wantes him to like me best over any and all other girls. When we first started talking he liked a girl named "B". He was more than aware that I was very interested in him, how I felt, and I believe he used B to his advantage. She was a tool to hinder my confidence, to make me jealous, and to make me grateful when he would finally deem me worthy to grace me with his full attention - and. It. Worked. I was his second choice (people of all genders - NEVER SETTLE FOR SECOND CHOICE) and I was okay with that because he so quickly managed to manipulate me and destroy key characteristics of mine - namely my confidence. For those of you reading this that don't know me - know this: I havr always been a very confident person. To the point where I have enjoyed it when people have tried to bully me because their efforts entertained me. They worked so hard at trying to bring me down and it killed them to see me laugh at their attempts - they tried harder and I laughed more and felt better about myself because I felt powerful. Not only that, but I grew up with the most open and loving parents that I have never kept anything from, and whose relationship with each other no one could possibly rival. I cannot overstate the love, support, and respect my parents have for one another - it is something that almost needs to be seen to be believed. I had the best example of a loving, happy relationship for my entire life. I like to say I don't have "daddy issues" - but my boyfriends sure do. They HATE being compared and held up to the standard my father has set. Given all of this, it should be noted that I had every tool and resource to avoid an abusive relatuonship. So please keep this in mind the next time you judge a woman (or man) for ending up in and staying in an abusive relationship - you are no better than anyone else. If I can fall i to one ANYONE can fall into one. If you've managed to avoid one so far consider youself lucky, not a saint. Eventually Winston came back into town. We had Skyped every day whilr he was away and I even helped him try to solve any issues he had with B (issues being on how to "woo" her for lack of a better term). The first time we saw each other in person after he came back was at my work. He camr in to visit and dropped a sly line about needing to give me a hug. So we hugged and he left with promises to talk and see each other soon. To say that I fell into fits of girly giggles would be an understatement. Things moved both quickly and not at all from that point on. I still did my best to advise him with B (despite how much it hurt me to do so) and all the while he continued to manipulate me and get deeper into my head. The most obvious ways he did this wad by continuing to give me seeds of hope that he'd come around and finally see that I was the one he wanted, aaaaand then subtly taking those seeds of hope away - making sure I knew B was his priority and ultimate goal. We'd give each other massages (and not in the normal shoukder rub for 5 minutes kinda way - the take off your shirt and use oils kinda way). It was very intimate, very calculated, always initiated by him. Massage would end up being on of hid "go to" tools he used to manipulate and abuse me. Really, to anyone on the outside looking in could most likely see all the red flags he was waving around like a madman. They were obvious to so many. My rommate and a friend who was living with us short term did their best to point out his inconsistentcies - but I was too far gome to be able to listen to their objective and reasonable pleas of protest. I can't say I was completely blind to the red flags (are you ever?), but it is truly amazing how easily you can ignore your instincts and lie to yourself. *** That will be it for part one. Oh gosh this will take a long time - but I am dedicated to analyzing this for myself and to share my story. Hopefully this helps people gain some insight into how people trip into these situations - no matter how well adjusted you think you are, the right circumstances can get you caught up as well. Let's learn to support one another rather than judge people and maybe we can create a world where abusive relationships are rare or non-existent.

[fucksoul]

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John Herschel was one of the founders of a new form of time travel, a means to capture light and memories. He actually coined a word for it: photography. When you think about it, photography is a form of time travel. This man is staring at us from across the centuries - a ghost preserved by light.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Science Turns Me Into the Whitest Girl

"Not every star can become a black hole - only 1 in 1000 is massive enough… When giant stars exhaust their nuclear fuel, they can no longer stay hot enough to fend of the inward pull of their own gravity. The most massive stars collapse into darkness - leaving only their gravity behind." -Neil deGrasse Tyson, Cosmos DOES THIS NOT BLOW YOUR MIND?! I can't even right now. Science.

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Good morning world

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