Leave Me Alone I Was Only Singing...

a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling

[slv1987]

What does progress look like?

Tonight progress is sitting on a stool eating a microwave meal, sort of crying but more sniffling than proper full on tears.

Tonight progress is sitting on this very stool and not laying down on the kitchen floor. The kitchen floor which I sit on and cry. The floor I lay down and cry on when I feel my world is falling apart, but not tonight. Tonight I’ll sit on the stool.

Tonight progress is asking for help. Asking for someone to watch my son for an extra hour to help me process my shitty day in peace and quiet.

Tonight progress is reaching out to a friend and not being ashamed to say today has been really really hard for no particular reason and I can’t cope.

Progress is that I am.... not ok but I’m not in pieces about it.

My progress is small, but it is progress.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Guys do centaurs have to eat both horse food and human food?

[what-even-is-thiss]

Centaur, eating out of a burlap sack of hay like it’s potato chips: So do you guys wanna get Chipotle later?

[what-even-is-thiss]

Centaur: *kneeling on the ground, ripping up bits of grass and eating it*

Nearby horse: *neighs*

Centaur: Well it’s easy for you to bend over, isn’t it?

Horse: *snorts*

Centaur: *through a mouthful of grass* Well goody goody for you, but some of us have two spines.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Human: Hey does somebody want the rest of my burger?

Centaur: Oh I’ll have it. I am starving.

Human: Didn’t you just eat like an entire barrel of hay?

Centaur: *snatches the burger* That was for the horse stomach not the human one. Don’t be racist, Carl.

[fangirltothefullest]

DON’T BE RACIST CARL

[conversationswithamillennial]

That spine comment made me reevaluate my life

[what-even-is-thiss]

Two spines, two ribcages, and six limbs baby! And a tail! Four shoulders!

[katesattic]

This is oddly unsettling.

[slv1987]

Pretty much the best thing I've seen on Tumblr in ages 😂😂

[slv1987]

day 4... things get more interesting

Who am I kidding!? the best thing that happened to me today was getting to sleep in until lunchtime :) My healthy eating is still going well and I made amazing scrambled eggs with feta for my lunch when I finally decided to get up.

I bought apple cider vinegar tablets, that was exciting. £8.99 for 40 capsules OR £16.79 for 400 how does that even work!? then I realised they were in the 1p sale so it worked out at £16.80 for 800. I know I know it’s crazy interesting right? School shoes purchased for the child and a nice trip to the coffee shop. even managed to make it to the pharmacy to pick up my Prozac... don’t want to be running out of that.

home time and I had a lovely beef stir-fry for dinner. The kid was in bed after he stayed up and watched some cricket with me and husband went out for a drink. I was finally able to catch up on Wentworth Prison. I. Love. Wentworth (I have to read Fridget fan fiction whilst watching because the lack of Franky and Bridget in these episodes upsets me a little bit.) Wentworth got spooky and a bit creepy, I was on my own. I had been too focused on the TV and fanfiction to bother turning on lights. the episode finished and I was in darkness and silence. I hadn’t realised the fireworks at the concert had started... I hear fireworks and I genuinely think I died for a few minutes in absolute fear and terror. I can laugh now but seriously my apple watch was like your heart rate is above 120 and you appear to be resting... it was stressful... so I went to bed. 3 hours of Tiny Tower and Frank Skinner show podcasts later I went to sleep :P

I also discovered Marmite rice cakes.

[slv1987]

Day 3: who knew things could get less interesting

Work. Urgh. I wish I didn't like stuff so that I didn't need money so that I didn't need to work.

My day was essentially wasted by health and safety and fire safety courses and assessments.

I asked for a tuna salad roll at lunch, I ended up with egg mayo. I solved 3 IT issues. I went home.

Didn't have tickets for a local outside gig... Walked to the park next to it to peek through the bushes and listen for free. It was brilliant. Lots of people with the same idea. Good time with good friends and a good walk there and back which I'm hopeful counteracted the can of beer I drank whilst humming along to songs I didn't know.

Got home and moped about it being too late to eat and that I was hungry. Soon fell asleep on the sofa so it didn't matter. It's weird how much I love going to sleep when I know I don't have to get up early. I will never ever be a morning person.

[slv1987]

Day 2 of my not so interesting life

I spent day 2 moping around my house because I was due back at work the next day. It’s the most logical thing to do... mope and waste the day because it’s the last chance you’ll get to mope and waste the day. I read a whole book, The Huntress by A.E Radley and I was enthralled! (Enthralled is my go-to word at the moment folks just let me have it ok?) I genuinely could not stop reading it. They even mentioned place names close to where I live and train journeys I have been on recently and I was like Woo Hoo!!

Dosed up British crime and lesbian romance I went to sport direct to buy a new pair of trainers. Trainers are expensive! Ok so.... 4 years ago I bought a pair of purple Nike running shoes that I got in a sale for £27 I was expecting the same value for money. My husband said oh these are nice and I agreed. Are they in my size I asked? He looked at the boxes and said yes. How much I ask? He says £44 I said fuck right off, which I instantly regretted due to the presence of my child who repeats everything I say. I found a pair I liked less than the £44 ones but they were £35 so they won. Actually, Nike and consumerism and all that crap won because I bought them.

Once I was kitted out my friend arrived to take me power walking with my dog. She brought a harness, mind out the gutter folks! I'm a nervous dog walker. Everyone said having a dog would do wonders for my mental health and don't get me wrong my dog is lovely but the anxiety I get when out on a walk is crippling sometimes. So I was rather afraid of this power walking harness stuff. I needn’t have been... It was awesome! I now want to spend a small fortune on canicross gear despite the fact I can't even run the length of myself. I got home, I was hyper, I was exhausted but I was happy.

[slv1987]

Some people say my life is interesting...

So I thought 30 days of writing about my life should be an entertaining read?!

Day 1

So yesterday was a bizzare day. Funeral to support a friend so there were a lot of work folks there. I was sitting as the ceremony began thinking ”wow, the last time I was here I was at a wedding.” I even did a reading at said wedding. Yesterday morning I discovered the bride has since ’blocked’ me on Facebook. All I can see is profile pictures. Apparently, due to the fact I like staying in the house because of my depression I'm a shit friend and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Apart from my doctor and husband she is the only person I've ever been 100% honest with about how dark my dark days are. Must be too dark for some so I'll need to move on. She told me to stop being ridiculous and think about everything good I have in life.

Back to the funeral, it was sad seeing a friend so very upset but I'm so glad I was there to support. Now those of you I know from the DWP and Supercat fandom know that my feels for women in authority are strong. Yesterday a blast from the past sat next to me. She actually inspired a DWP fanfiction maaaaaaany many years ago (called I had a moment). It was nice and funny to catch up with each other.

By the time I made it home I was feeling quite good. I'd been a good friend, met some people I haven't seen in a long time, had conversations with new people, I was totally managing normal everyday social situations! Now as I usually do I decided that I was amazing and clearly cured of all mental illness and decided to do a quick round up of people in haven't spoken to in a few days (It's like in the sims when you get in from work and you fill up the action queue with send text message actions to all their friends). I had a moan about bride blocking me, moaned about my weight, congratulated friends on their physical achievements (triathlon!), checked on people's plans for the weekend to see if we could meet up.... I was on fire! Fast forward to today.... I need to go into town and buy new trainers because I am being kidnapped tonight for a secret fitness excursion.

Fuck. I am going to die or end up in A&E 😂

[slv1987]

I hate being ill

I don’t understand why I have to have so many down days after something nice. It’s like oh you were happy for 5 hours.... here have 48 hours of feeling like absolute rubbish. Question your purpose and existence and feel guilty about ever feeling good about something.

[swnaqueen]

Swan Queen + Gayest moments

bonus:

[slv1987]

I just saved this on my laptop and called it cat_grant_hawt

I need support.

I…. f*7^  it I’m gonna go find Supercat smut.

hawt.

[slv1987]

Just found this on my laptop and then found this post. I still need support 🤷🏼‍♀️

[slv1987]

It’s good to be in a happy place

I had to go to the dentist. I hate the dentist. So I came to the pub after. I’m just about to leave and go back to my life.

Reading The lily and the Crown.... love it.

[slv1987]

Like smoke....

Like smoke, I hung around in the unbalanced says Amy Winehouse. I miss her. Taken too soon and such a troubled soul. So talented.

Today has been harsh. Feel like I got tricked into revealing more than I wanted to. Had to give consent for an assessment to take place and delved into a lot of my medical history. It was awful. I’m still not 100% sure what really happened. I cried a lot.

I’ve now had pizza and beer and I’m feeling good. Also did 2 1/2 hours of mindfulness practise and my goodness that helps! I didn’t think I would buy into it but I do. It’s brilliant. I hope I can keep doing this and working on the strategies.

As it used to say on my fridge RIP AMY WINEHOUSE

Xxx

[slv1987]

Why am I so hyper?

Back at work decided to take on a million tasks as per usual. Finished a few (go me!) felt indestructible, decided I was going to mark all the dissertations, decided to take on planning half a course for next year.... decided to organise a night out with my sister, decided to pencil in some time to spend my free beer voucher... decided that tomorrow morning I will get out of bed 15 minutes earlier than I did today... decided that I am back! Promptly came home wanted to sit down eat a sandwich and sleep. Now I’m all shakey and feeling exhausted. I don’t think I can do this everyday.... I was worried that I’d lost my sparkle and I was so happy that I felt a bit of that sparkle come back today that I fucking sparkled all over the place. I need to look after that sparkle. Feeling like a failure and that I probably just annoyed everyone today anyway so what’s the point of going back tomorrow. I AM EXHAUSTED. Why won’t my brain just fuck off and let me be.

[localstarboy]

someone said Will Smith didn’t know the lyrics to ‘La Bamba’ so he did this

[roxolotl-remaking-deactivated20]

the only correct way to sing this song is by yelling it

[slv1987]

I hope my counsellor doesn’t read this....

Hahaha I’m blaming my medication but last night I dreamt that I was working in my old school (like super old building!) and that I was getting counselling from Bridget Westfall. It was my last session with her and I broke down in tears telling I loved her. Bloody Wentworth creeping into my dreams hahahaha, plus Frankie would hunt me down and probably kill me if I made a move on Bridget!

[queenof-blackhearts]

If Emma and Regina, the Evil Queen and the Savior, were not meant to fall in love, what the hell was the point of this show?

[swanqueenisendgameyo]

[slv1987]

Re blogging because.... like totally?!

[slv1987]

Learning to love yourself

Loving yourself is super hard when you struggle to find something you even like about yourself.

We’ve had a lot of snow the last few days and I sort of decided to go into hibernation and I ate nothing except cheese toasties and pizza Monday and Tuesday. I really don’t like my body at the moment. I feel like nothing I own actually fits me because I’ve lost weight, I can’t see the point in buying new stuff because I’m worried I’ll just get fat again. I also don’t want to buy a load of stuff and then get comfy and not lose weight. Urgh. I hate my brain. I want a packet of crisps.

[slv1987]

Need to make some decisions

⚠️ triggers⚠️

I have a check up with the dr soon. I’m feeling better but not 100% better. I still can’t get up in the morning, I still usually have a little bit of a cry before I get to work, I still look at myself in the mirror and think oh my god I hate my body, BUT I try not to let these thoughts ruin my whole day anymore. Some days I can be totally rational and tell myself everything is ok. Other days I just can’t... so I’m wondering is this normal on medication or should I be asking my dr to go up a doseage? I’m working really hard on my mindfulness and my talking therapies but still most mornings I just wanna lay in bed and not have to see anyone or do anything.

I used to feel that everything was wrong and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I was better off dead. Now I’m feeling like nothing is jumping out salt me as ‘wrong’ but I don’t feel good about anything. It’s like there’s nothing bad but nothing good. There is a light there but some days it’s so far away that I just don’t have the energy to try and get there. Is this as good as I’m going to get? Will I ever feel.... happy?! I have moments where I think I am happy but they don’t last and usually I end up feeling 100 times worse after I’ve felt good about something.

Not had counselling this week and my doctor is on holiday so I don’t really know who can answer these questions so I’m just putting them out there.