? ?

Alex Aries

[its-simply-just-krys]

“Mouthful of Forevers”, Clementine von Radics

[furiousgoldfish]

what abuse has done to me:

someone: Makes a promise to me, or expresses desire to do something together in the future, or to give me something I want.

my brain: The classic future faking. This is not going to happen, ever, and we’re not going to pretend that it will. We will not sink into fantasies of what could be, and we’re not going to act differently or like this promise/vague desire meant anything. This is a trap and we’re walking right past it.

someone: Praises me and tells me I did well, or tells me that I’m a good person.

brain: Red Alert. You are being praised for acting obedient and pleasing. You are being groomed as we speak. You’re standing in front of an enemy. Achieve maximum distance. Remove yourself from their presence.

someone: doesn’t respond within a few days

brain: The interest is one-sided. Don’t indulge in ignoring them back, don’t play games, don’t rush to reply as soon as possible, you’re going to develop one-sided attachment. If you can’t count on them to talk to you, you can’t count on them for anything. Forget this person ever existed as they’re not going to continuously exist for you anyway.

[furiousgoldfish]

I can only be myself when I’m alone. As soon as there’s another person around, the gremlin in my brain will scream ‘How am I being perceived? How am I being perceived?’ and the rest of me will wonder what can I do so this other person doesn’t get upset at me.

[snafupixie]

A Letter for the damned

Sink your teeth deep in my nape

Tell me it's for the best

Your venom runs deep, quick as if its a has a mind of its own

An instinctual path it follows

Slowly coursing its way throughout my whole body.

The heaviness of words hang above my head everyday.

The heaviness of what ifs as if your words ever had any intention behind them

They flow smoothly out the cusp of your mouth

Naturally

Instinctually

Part of me still wants to believe that you meant everything you said that night

Before you kissed me like you kissed me all those years ago

I cannot disguise the truth from the lies

Your venom flows so deeply in my veins that I'm blinded by all the wrong you did me

I promise you, you never meant to hurt me and I realize that

That you only wanted the best for you

That I understood why you left

That I looked for you in everyone

LIES

Your venom might run deep but I know mine runs deeper in you, coursing through your veins

Your heart

Your mine

All for the taking

At least for the mean time

Even if you tell yourself that you are the master of digusguise

Master of hiding

Master of lies

I know the truth

I know you well beyond how much you know yourself

I knew from the moment we spoke once again

I knew every step you would take

Every lie that would escape your lips

Every moment of your body burned into my mind

I knew from the moment I called you

The moment I let you back in my life

How you would ruin me

How you would destroy every particle of my being

Shattering my false reality

The reality that we could actually be together

The reality where I would stand beside you

Holding your hand through all your trouble

Like I did three years ago

Like I did two years ago for those few, short months

You believed you could hurt me

You believed you could burn through the cities I had "built"

Like it wasn't my plan the whole time

For you to course through my veins once again

For you to absolutely further the decay I had I already to pull apart

You didn't know the cities were already burnt

Ruins to my past life, the life we had and the life I had after you

I had already put the torch to all of that

Well before you stepped away from me

You aren't the only one who has venom

You aren't the only one who learned how to completely

Utterly

Eradicate a person

You aren't the only one who believed we could destroy each other

You weren't the only one who believe we could set ablaze to each other

You weren't the only one who thought we could be Icarus

Falling

Tumbling from burning each others wings once we got to close

My wisdom is for greater then your own

I grew knowing how to destroy

Ruin

Burn

Destroy

Rip apart everything I loved

I thought we could fall together

Like we had done before

Like I had dreamed

Hoped

Believed we could

But the truth

The dying truth

I didn't need you for that

I burned everything I had on my own

I destroyed everything

And fell without you

I deeply always knew I didn't need you there

I didn't need you caudling me

Whispering false lies so sweetly to me

Because I knew the truth

I knew I was so much more then you could have ever known

Could have ever tasted

That didn't stop me from wanting

Craving

Desiring someone else to fall with

Someone other than myself

Someone I knew would fall eventually

Fall from the pedestal I built for you

And once you fell

Oh how sweet

How delicious

How filling the pain was

The brokenness

The burning

The high

So play the fool

Act as if you never meant to hurt me

Until....

Until the moment was right

Until all the pent of exhaustion

Hatred

Pain

Wanting

Escaped

Escaped, falling, stumbling out of your mouth

The perfect moment to allow myself

To feel

To hurt

To BURN

To lash out on my so called love

Oh the pedestal I threw yourself ontop of

Knowing how you would fill my hunger

The hunger to be hurt

To be ravaged

To be torn to pieces

Bit by bit

Just so I could allow myself to claw away the dirt

Digging myself deeper into the pit I had made

Crawl from the depths I had locked myself away

The truth self

The person you never saw

And oh delicious

How delicious it was to devour every second

To devour how much you truly hated me

Truly resented our past and present

I would say future but...

We both know there was never a future for us

We both resented certain parts of each other

The resentment I held for you for how you could freely hurt people

How you could walk away at a moments notice

Turn on those you love

To bare one's teeth and let the anger

The hatred

The pain crawl out of somewhere

Somewhere primal

That fed the hunger

The hunger of hurting someone else

The resentment you held of how I could pose myself

So calmly

Sitting, facing the wall

To walk away once you threw me away

To treat you like you had never hurt me

Destroyed me and tore my heart out

The resentment of how so many loved me

Held me upon their shoulders as if I was a myarter

Someone to behold

To worship despite my wrong doings

Despite how many times I had fallen and the countless times I shall fall once again

To respect me without commanding

Screaming

Clawing for something you would never earn

To carry myself with grace like it comes naturally

Like it's something I have always done

Things you could never see nor imagine

You said I was the most kind person to exist, that I was to sweet for all of those things that had hurt me

You told me to look upon you as I sobbed

As I sobbed even though I wanted it to hurt

That you have seen me through and through

That you knew truly knew who I was

When in reality

You never knew me,  the true me, the one I hid far away

As I hoped you would stay far away from me

Even though I knew what would happen

Like I knew then that you would crawl back

Coming crawling as you always do

Realistically we both each others venom

We both need to fill ourselves with the hatred

The passion

The turbulence that we once called love

The pain

The burning

Realistically

We are both damned

To fall

To burn everything we once knew because at the end of the day that's all we know

That is our instinct

That is our only way of surviving knowing we cannot hold anything good no matter how hard we tried

There is no sanctuary here for you my friend

I had placed the torch a long time ago

When I walked out of your room sobbing

Slamming the door physically and metaphorically

Well before you came back

Well before you even knew

There is nothing left for you here

No one for you to sink to the bottom with you

For you are alone without me

A piece missing

A shattered forever gone

I realized

There is only me

There if no room for another

For you

Only my thoughts

My venom

My hatred

Falling away from the sun as if I was icarcus completely

Utterly

Alone

Only myself

Maybe once upon a time I did love you

A time where your name

Your face

Smile

Eyes

Hands

Lit something deep in me

Something so deeply forgotten

Something I could finally

Dissappear completely within

Somewhere I could place you so high

Striving for you to reach the sun

Something that could reach me

The starved

The damned

The broken

But you my friend

The one

The one who caused a burning in my chest

Tears

Anger

Love

Holiness

Freedom

I truthfully forgot

I am not the sun

I am not the rays shining down

Beaming into your world

Giving life upon a deslate place

I am not the sanctuary you see

The sanctuary you believe you could contain

I'm the moon

Cold

Unforgettable

Unforgiving

Harsh

A reminder of who YOU are truly

A reminder of a life you once had but lost

A life you try to grasp

A life you try to gaze in anyone's eyes

Anyone's touch

A devotion that you could never forget

Eyes that gazed at you softly

As if you truly were something to behold

Something to love

Something to stray from the judgment you tried to escape

A stray from judgment that you deeply truly believed you deserved

[snafupixie]

Imagine:

My dad knowing about my past addiction issues, addiction issues run in my family including him.

Telling my dad I'm suffering again

"Well you don't have a problem unless you are buying more."

Im buying more

Well are you using during your work week

No.

You don't have a problem

THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS FATHER, you can call me a recreational user and that I still manage to pay all of our bills but that doesn't dismiss my problem

[snafupixie]

Me only coming back to Tumbkr so I can look at triggering photos about my mental illness so I can trigger myself into an episode 🤪

[nagichi-boop]

My three mental ages: a defenceless kid, an adult who’s had enough and [static noise]

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[cryptid-corpse]

I'm okay, I just need someone to be a little obsessed with me in order to feel validated and loved.

[honeypleasejustkillme]

mfs say “i’m fine” then detach themselves from everyone in their lives for weeks. that’s me, i’m mfs

[bpdohwhatajoy]

Fp core

[snafupixie]

AND NOW I FIND MYSELF ALONE Its terrifying to think ill eventually have to let another lover in because thats who I am.  I can't stand to be alone but worse I can't help but fall in love.  I love the way new born love feels, the excitement, the rushes, the feeling like I can do anything.  But im terrified to know ill eventually have to let someone back in again.  To tell them all my past wounds and fears.  Every new lover I let them in closer and closer then the ones before.  Letting once closed doors, open to see, open to judge, to bear the heaviness on their chest of the pain inflicted on me.  Everyone tells me how im not broken, that im not just something that needs to be fixed but truthfully.  I am, I'm as broken as they come, each person, new responsibilities, the weight of the world on my shoulders shatters me deeper and deeper.  I let people peek in but never to closely, I'll never let anyone step through the doorways.  For my pain, my past, my world is my pain alone to bear.  I'll never let the weight be shifted off my shoulders in fear of burdening another, in fear they might see me for who I truly am. The person I hide from the whole world.  Its the one thing I have for me and only me, myself.  Even if I lose them constantly, at the end of the day I'm the person I'm left with, the person who has never completely left me.  I see the past me in glimpse of the mirror, my actions, my movements.  They haunt me, all of them and I mourn them every single day.  And to let another person see who I am for me, the nasty, gritty truth is horrifying.  It's hard for me to be with me so to imagine another person knowing me  completely is impossible.

[kalesbug]

Trying to find something to motivate myself and I found this little line from Van Gogh

[just-shower-thoughts]

If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday it could also be known as “2’s Day”

[the-daily-echo-deactivated20170]

DUDE

[diishii]

CLUB GOIN UP

ON A 

̶̴̲̜͚̲͍̺̰̠͓̰̳̖̞̙̥̻̪͟２̶̛͍̖͙̥̹͍̰͕̘͖̤̮̙͔̝̣̠͡͠＇̧̨͉̭͙͔̗̻̹̣͙̱̜̝͍̹͙͙Ｓ̶̷̲̠̥̘̱̼̮̞̥̥̭̕͢͠ ̡̖͎̹͙͍͙͈̞̲͠͝ͅ ̛͏͞҉̤̪͔͙̥̪̬̭ͅͅＤ̡͍̥̝̻͍͕̭̠̳̺̯͖͢͞Ａ̵̡̧̯͔̭̹͍̰̫͍̘̝̺Ｙ̢̙͙̥̣̬̗̱͓̠̹̝̟̤͟͡͠

[snafupixie]

I LITERALLT JUST TYPED OUT SO FUCKING MUCH AND TUMBLR JUST DELETED IT LIKE DIDNT LET ME POST AND ITS NOT IN MY DRAFT FUCIKIIIII

[sagihairius]

you ever start to write a post and just x out halfway through like nobody wants to see this not even me

[snafupixie]

What i wouldn't give to rip myself open to spill all of these emotions and worries. I feel so trapped within myself