hi ok so !! about your post on singlets in syscourse i just want to say i agree with you! i'm a singlet and my ex is a DID system, and during all the time i knew they were a system (2 years+) and the time we dated (almost a year) i've never really been able to partake (in good faith) in syscourse because i'm a singlet. i've spent over 2 years learning as much as i can about DID and OSDD and sometimes i'd like to partake in some syscourse and each time i try (in good faith! i cant emphasize that enough) both sides treat me like shit. like you said, singlets dont have a place in ALL discussions (i certainly wouldnt and dont want to stick my nose everywhere) but yeah there's a time and a place and like you said, to engage in constructive and positive conversations, which is exactly what i'd like to do. but even in those times and places both sides shut down whatever a singlet says, even if they do actually have some kind of standing in the discussion (like the examples you gave), say things in good faith and have knowledge of what they're talking about (like you also said). i've never really seen anyone display this opinion so kudos to you for voicing that!
My partner has been with us for ten years, and they've known about us for six of those years.
When he first found out, he went looking for resources, and one of the first ones he found was called The Significant Other's Guide to Dissociative Identity Disorder. It's a funny, honest guide written by another singlet partner. It talks about the good and the bad, insurance, therapy, hospitals, etc. Most importantly, it talks about what to expect from your system partner.
It wasn't until a few years later that he showed us this guide, and he explained that the brutally honest take on system behavior helped him become a better spouse for us. It talks bluntly about how systems are selfish by nature. Not in a negative way, just as a matter of fact. We have so much going on in our heads that sometimes it's really hard for us to keep our partners in mind, as well, and it comes across as selfishly absorbed, at times. It talks about how to handle that kind of behaviour, and the rewarding love you get in return.
But that REALLY struck me. It was true, and so was a lot of other, negative stuff (stereotypes?). It kind of put my partner in a new light for us-- we gained a huge amount of respect for him and appreciation for the things he put up with and tried to work with us on. Of how much work he put in and how much patience he had.
Singlets have an incredibly unique view on certain aspects of the disorder and of system life that is SO important to the conversation. I wish he had shown it to me earlier, but he said he didn't think I was in a place to hear it back then, and he was probably right. I wouldn't have taken it as positively and it wouldn't have had such a profound impact on us. Now we do our best to stay mindful of things-- so that we can be better, too.
Singlets tend be an unbiased, outside view. It's why anyone with half a brain encourages questioning systems to see a therapist. Traumatized, mentally ill individuals tend NOT to be good judges of... Much of anything, really. Themselves, situations, other people. I can't tell you how many times I was TEN THOUSAND PERCENT SURE I was a making a safe, smart decision, and he was behind me, rolling his eyes, waiting patiently for me to come to my senses, and then I'd run crying back to him when it all went to shit, because holy crap, that was dumb of me.
He also is VERY aware of the nuances of syscourse, he hears me talk about it daily. He engages with it through me. He's done enough of his own research to form his own opinions and thoughts so he can support me, and/or tell me when I'm being a proper little shit.
I talked recently about the unique perspectives of people who dipped their toes into plurality and DID/OSDD, and realized/admitted they weren't systems, and those who realized it was something else. Those perspectives are just as unique and useful in helping other systems figure their stuff out. They do understand syscourse. They've likely engaged in it before. They're allowed to, still.
Singlets who have never met a system in their life, but have a peer reviewed paper in have are goddamn allowed in syscourse to share it and talk about it.
They sure as fuck might be wrong, but they have every right to get involved, when and where they're welcome.
👏 Singlets 👏 have 👏 a 👏 place 👏 in 👏 syscourse 👏
Anon, you are welcome in my community <3
