“We are still together. You’re just trying to pull out because you’re scared.” “What do I have to be scared about?” “You tell me, y/ln”
PAIRING : olderboyfriend!james x f!reader
SYPNOSIS : In which… reader is insecure about her relationship with James regarding her age, personality, even appearance at some point, that it makes pull away. Of course, James notices.
GENRE : fluff, angst, hurt/comfort
WARNINGS : cursing, insecure reader, use of petnames, age gap(2 years), sharing a bed, crying, arguing, mentions of not eating, use of y/n like once
AUTHOR'S NOTE : This is proofread, I worry that it’s not as well-written as I think it is, but please feel free to critique my writing so I can improve. First James fanfic yayyy.
You and James met when you were only sixteen, he was eighteen. You met him through your younger brother Martin who was always meeting new people, and making new friendships. You seriously don’t know how James puts up with your brother’s shit.
Of course, James fell in love with you at first sight. He was fascinated with you, the way you spoke with such calmness, the way you moved around so silently but so noticeable at the same time, the way you handled difficult situations. To put it in a few words, from the moment he saw you, he knew he would do anything to get you all to himself.
A few months after you turned seventeen. He asked you out on a date. You went to this beautiful elegant restaurant, that was just out of town, with dim lighting, warm laughter coming from every direction and delicious food. He brought you a bouquet of your favourite flowers, paid for the check, and drove you home. The night ended with his lips on yours, one hand on your waist and the other on your chin deepening the kiss, until you both pulled away giggling.
After a few more dates, while you were sitting together at the park bench, late at night, eating snacks and gossiping together, he asked you out. Obviously you said yes.
Now, it has been about one and a half years from the moment you two started dating. Everything’s been great so far, never ending dates, nonstop laughter, stolen glances, soft kisses, late night conversations. You even decided to move in together, your parents trusting that decision, knowing James and how sweet and responsible he is. You wouldn’t change it for anything. But sometimes you do have your doubts and insecurities, sometimes as in almost all the time.
You know James loves you, you really do, but sometimes the overthinking gets too much. He’s handsome and attractive, often grabbing the attention of other women, his age. You know the age gap between you too is not even big, but you can’t help but wonder if sometimes he would prefer someone his age or older. It’s stupid, pathetic even, but it’s not your fault that you think that way.
There have been multiple times when you caught other girls staring at him, some even coming up to talk to him, knowing damn well you were there, but still choosing to ignore the fact and think that they have a chance. James obviously doesn’t give them the satisfaction, but that doesn’t stop you from thinking he will leave you any second for someone better.
Have you voiced these concerns with him? No. Will you ever? You don’t know, you’re afraid of his reaction if you ever did speak up, you know he wouldn’t yell at you or maybe not even be mad, but still.
Sitting on James’ lap, head on his shoulder and phone in your hands, you’re scrolling on TikTok, not even paying attention to the videos that pop up, your stomach rumbles.
You hungry mhm? You wanna order take out or go out for dinner? His hands rubbing the sides of your waist, he speaks ever so softly, like he’s scared that raising his voice even a little, in such a quiet, intimate moment, will startle you.
You look at the time on your phone, it reads 7:46PM. You pull back from him, hands going from behind his neck to his chest as you stare at him. Well, it’s still quite early so I have time to get ready, can we go out?
Of course love. Do you know where you wanna go to? He says, looking at your face for any sign that you would change your mind.
Maybe that one restaurant downtown, where they have different cuisines? We could try Italian today.
Sure thing, go get ready, I’ll make sure there are tables left so I can make a reservation. He smiles and taps your side, gesturing for you to get up.
After about 25 minutes of putting on makeup and finding what clothes to wear, you’re finally ready. You decided to wear a short flowy dress in your favourite color. As you’re putting on your heels, you hear a gasp behind you and look up. James is just standing there, with his black suit, staring at you with bright eyes and a big smile.
You’re absolutely gorgeous.
James… You giggle as you walk over to him, the heels clicking on the white marble floor. You place your right hand on his cheek and your left hand on his chest.
His hands go to your waist immediately by habit as he squeezes it and leans in. The moment he kisses you, your body fills with an unexplainable feeling, like it’s the first time all over again, on that bright starry night when he kissed you on your doorstep for the first time.
After pulling away he raises his hand to you so you can grab it and when you do, you two walk out of the door.
Once you enter, the restaurant is buzzing with people. You notice everything, the different faces, different clothes and many many different types of food from countries and cultures all over the world. You breath out a sigh, this is your favourite place where different cultures and people connect, the idea of this is really sweet.
He pulls your chair so you can sit down and walks over to his chair. The waitress appears after just a moment to take your orders. You notice she is smiling a little too much at your boyfriend and not really paying attention to anything else, making small talk with him, not even asking you about your order.
After you two eat, James signals for the check while the same waitress comes up. The moment she leaves the check on the table she turns around, but before doing so, she winks at your boyfriend? What the fuck is her problem?
You turn to look at him and see that his expression has turned into a frown before you see the phone number written on the end of the paper. Ugh, the audacity. He stands up, leaving the paper on the table and walks over to the front to pay before you both leave.
You stay silent the whole way back to the car.
Sweetheart, are you okay? Concern in his voice as he steps closer to you, about to hold your hand. You raise your arms in the air.
Of course I’m okay, everything is okay, nothing is going on. You nervously laugh. I’m just tired, let’s go home.
Hey are you sure- He reaches for your shoulder.
Please, yufan. You don’t even spare him a glance. He gives up trying to figure you out, for now.
In the car, you’re only staring out the window, he tries to communicate with you but you just shrug your shoulders and answer with short, dry answers. Tears are threatening to fall off your eyes, but you hold back, not wanting James to see that side of you.
After you reach home, he tries to talk to you multiple times but you don’t answer him as you would normally do, he has realized by now that this has something to do with that waitress at the restaurant. Fuck, was that lady stupid?
Even when you go to sleep and he tries to speak with you, you don’t budge, but you still let him hug you as your eyes slowly close and you drift away.
The next morning when you wake up, your hands reach his side of the bed out of instinct, but to your surprise, he is nowhere to be found. You immediately open your eyes and sit up before you’re blinded by the rays of sunlight, hitting your eyes through the shades. You can hear sounds coming from the kitchen and as you get up and start walking towards the door, a sweet smell hits your nose.
Entering the room, you’re met with the sight of James’ back, his hands moving a pan and holding a spatula, cooking pancakes.
Morning baby. You say as you wrap your hands around his waist and snuggle your face on his back, breathing in his scent. You hadn’t forgotten about yesterday, obviously, but you didn’t want him to worry again like the night before, where he wouldn’t stop asking if you were alright.
He flinches a little bit, startled because he didn’t hear you coming. Hey there, I made you pancakes. He scrambles to prepare them and turns to you, holding two full plates in his hands. He places a quick peck on your lips and walks over to the table, setting breakfast down.
As you both sit down, he turns to look at you. Hey um… He pauses. Are you okay? You glance at him and notice his furrowed brows.
Mhm, why wouldn’t I be. You hum, munching on food while moving your fork around. I don’t know… I guess, you seemed a little off last night. Well I wasn’t off, it was probably just in your head. Enunciating the words, as you speak. Yea right. He chuckles, but the laugh is not quite reaching his eyes.
Hyeon and Keonho are throwing a party at their place today, do you wanna go? He mentions, scrolling at his phone.
I don’t think so, but if you want to go then you can, I’ll just stay at home.
You didn’t want him to go without you, but you weren’t really in the mood to go. Negative thoughts trying to flood your mind already, but you push them away, for now.
When the time came for him to leave, you said your goodbyes, a few kisses here and there, as you rushed him out the door. But after about 30 minutes of staring at the wall in silence, you grab your phone.
Opening instagram, you notice many stories from people you know as you press each and one of them. The last one being the cherry on top, a selfie of the boys but there’s James in the background talking with someone, someone blurry. You zoom in and-
You would notice that curly hair anywhere, Danielle Marsh. Dani has been trying to grab your boyfriend’s attention for ages now, always flirting with him, talking with him etc. She is older than you, his age, she is more mature, more pretty, has a more beautiful figure.
Overthinking takes over your mind and body as your phone falls out of your hand and onto the couch. Tears blur your vision, as your breathing becomes uneven. You should have gone to that party, you should have never let him go alone. You’re not even sure that if you were there, this wouldn’t happen, because really, even though you’re jealous and anxious, you never act on it or do anything to stop it.
You hate this side of you. Insecure and vulnerable. Sometimes you seriously wish that you would be James’ age, or have a more mature personality. It’s not that you don’t trust him, it’s the fact that you don’t trust others around him. You wish that you would be one of those women that are not insecure in their relationship, because it’s like you’re trying to self-sabotage.
You slowly head to your shared bed, body feeling weak but still pushing through. You lay down and cover yourself with the blanket, whole body shaking with desperate cries as they gradually quiet down into sniffles and eventually you fall asleep.
When James returns home, he notices the heavy silence immediately, something is wrong. He puts down his car keys and wallet and searches for you. When he doesn’t find you on the couch, only your phone, he walks over to the bedroom as he approaches you and kneels down in front of your face.
“Was she… crying?” He stares at your tear-stained cheeks, as he softly nudges your shoulder to wake you up.
Baby, wake up. Please wake up sweetheart.
Softly and slowly opening your eyes, you feel James’ hand caressing your hair as he presses a kiss on your forehead.
What happened baby, were you crying? The moment you hear that sentence, you turn your face away from him and wipe your cheeks.
I wasn’t crying, nothing happened. You sit up and slide out of the covers.
But- Nothing happened, James! Your voice rises as you stand up and head to the living room.
You are clearly not okay so why don’t you talk to me? What are you keeping to yourself that you won’t tell me? He’s yelling now too, his voice is not laced with anger, but with confusion.
Now pacing around the living room, you hesitate to speak, your thoughts scattered all over the place, not knowing where to start from. James is just staring at you, waiting for your answer.
You know what Yufan? I saw an instagram story, why were you talking with Danielle? Danielle? He’s even more confused now.
Danielle Marsh, you were clearly having more than a friendly conversation with her and she was touching your shoulder!
Okay love, I think you’re confused, there’s obviously nothing going on with me and Danielle, I don’t even think she has any interest in me, and I don’t even like her like that.
No James, she obviously has a crush on you, just like that waitress at the restaurant, and every other girl that as so much stares at you when we’re out together. You yell, your voice shaking.
What? You know that’s not true and even if it was, I don’t have any interest in other women! You’re the only girl that I want in my life.
Yea right. You shrug, tears brimming your eyes. Why don’t you believe me? I just… I can’t okay? Maybe this whole thing is not right, maybe we shouldn’t be together.
What? He yells, you finally look at his face, really look at him, he’s on the verge of crying. You’ve never seen him like this.
Maybe I…, I’m sorry. You grab your jacket, sobs escaping your chest as you open the door. Y/n please- You look at him one last time with red eyes, he’s shaking with the fear of losing you. You close the door and leave. Where are you going? You don’t know. Do you regret your decision? Yes, but maybe it’s for the better, maybe you’ve been holding him back all this time.
It’s been three days, three whole days since you two last spoke. He doesn’t know where you are and he is scared that something happened to you. James tried calling you multiple times, but you never pick up, you don’t even read his texts. He even tried getting to you through Martin, but even Martin doesn’t know what you’re doing, which is really concerning, considering he’s your brother and all.
You though, haven’t gotten out of bed almost all day, your eyes are tired from crying and your body is weak from not eating. You’re at your family’s home, not really speaking to anyone. You miss him so much but you can’t do anything about it, it was your decision after all. Should you consider this a break, or a break-up? You don’t exactly know, he hasn’t stopped reaching out but you’re too scared to speak with him after the way you left things.
You gasp as you realize, you’re still sharing your location with him. Oh no, you scramble to pick up your phone and turn it off but suddenly-
Y/n, sweetie! Someone is at the door for you! You hear your mother’s voice from downstairs.
No there’s no way… You muster up the strength and get up, anxiety all over your body as you run down the stairs, rushing towards the door. You open it and James is standing there. He gasps once he takes in the sight of you, a dark color settling underneath your eyes, oily hair, trembling fingers. You look so weak, so vulnerable. He immediately hugs you tight, you try to push him but it’s no use, you’re too exhausted.
Y/n please, let’s go home and talk, please. He pleads, voice breaking while he kisses your head all over and he places his hands on your cheeks and looks at you before leaning down and placing a kiss on your nose.
You never thought you would actually do this, but here you are. Your back is leaning on the couch while he closes the door behind him, turns to you and walks over. When he’s finally infront of you, he drops to his knees and looks down.
Please… He sighs, tears falling down from his eyes onto his lap, his hands holding your knee and thigh for support. Please talk to me, don’t push yourself away from me.
Your knees almost give out at the sight, your right hand caressing his hair. Oh baby, I’m so sorry. It’s just that…
He looks up at you with yearning eyes, waiting for you to finally open up to him. You hold your breath before speaking again. I’m so jealous and insecure all the time. There are so many better girls than me, flirting with you, that sometimes I think you’ve made the wrong choice. I’m not that pretty, or smart, or mature and I fear I’m holding you back from an even better relationship with someone else. You pause. Someone who deserves you.
You were speaking so fast that you almost choked from the lack of breath. He slowly gets up and hugs you. Oh love. He sighs deeply, hands coming up to caress your cheeks, as he pulls away and looks into your eyes. I have loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you. You’re so perfect in my eyes, even if you don’t see it. I don’t consider anyone to be more smart or more beautiful than you. And don’t even think of worrying that I don’t find you mature enough, even if you’re not that mature, I don’t need you to be, I just want you the way you are.
I love you so much, you don’t even know. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else in this lifetime or in another. I want to take care of you, help you with your problems, but I can’t do that if you don’t help me see the burdens you carry. I need to you to be open with me. Don’t be afraid to speak up ever, please.
I love you just the way you are, and I wouldn’t change you for anything.
He leans in and kisses you so sweetly, so in love. You’re so stunned that it takes a moment for you to kiss him back, but when you finally do, you wrap your arms around his neck and cry into the kiss. He places his hand behind your neck and pulls you impossibly closer, deepening the kiss, not wanting to let you go just yet. When you pull away, he pulls you into his embrace. You feel his breath on your neck and the warmth radiating from his body is comforting in some way.
I love you yufan, I’m sorry I acted that way. You whisper in his ear.
Don’t be sorry, you mean the world to me.
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