[darlingofdots]

people who definitely know that Hollander and/or Rozanov have A Thing With A Man (of variably certain identity):

various dentists

hotel housekeeping staff

the kid who works late shifts at the drugstore where Ilya buys condoms (often) and lube (less often)

cleaners and laundry service employees

a kid on vacation with his parents in Vegas bored out of his mind because he's 14 and not allowed in the bars or casinos at their hotel and he's really hitting the grumpy teenager phase so he's pissed at his parents because he wanted to go birdwatching in the desert and instead he's on the hotel roof at night pointing his sick-ass binoculars (which he bought himself with money he earned by mowing their neighbours' lawns for a year) at the surrounding buildings and oh look there's two people making out on that rooftop terrace—wait, isn't that the guy from the Rolex ads?

Janice at the grocery store closest to the Hollander cottages who knows damn well that "David's boy" doesn't eat Nutella

the Voyageurs' nutritionist knows Hollander is fucking someone working for the Bears because he might not log it as sex but even Hollander doesn't actually do extra cardio after a game

employee at an airport phone repair kiosk in Chicago who was checking Ilya’s battery specs when "Jane" texted him "If I win you suck my dick first"

one of the parents at Game Changers Hockey Camp who is a couple's counsellor and a bit too good at her job

Gerry (78) three doors down from the Hollanders who has lived in his house since he was born and has made it his solemn duty to know everything that goes on in his neighbourhood

the owner of the bespoke jeweller's shop once Shane Hollander purchases the second ring, which is identical to the first, and a plain gold chain

the apprentice of the bespoke jeweller's shop a week before that when he recognises the ring he watched his boss make for Shane Hollander sitting on Ilya Rozanov's bare chest in a post-game interview on TV

[lavenderprose]

Listen. They are objectively hot and I know that. But also I think they're hot in the way only a lesbian can find two men who cry on each other on TV hot. It does not have to make sense to you but I'm sorry it doesn't.

[lavenderprose]

I know we joke about it all the time but hotel room walls are...GENUINELY very thin. The bit in the HR novel where Shane and Ilya fuck in the shower so that the water drowns out the sounds actually rang as extremely accurate to me. Like, the lack of boundaries that must exist not just for the Centaurs but for ANYBODY who spends a significant amount of time sharing hotel room walls with their teammates is just unbelievable.

Like, on any given roadie the people sharing walls with the Hollanovs can expect to overhear:

- One side of phone calls between Shane and his mother where every third word is FUCK and Shane's voice gets higher the more he works himself up about whatever league drama is pissing him off that week

- Ilya yelling in Russian (Non sex reasons) (He and Svetlana are talking about Matheson in Colorado. Again.)

- Ilya gets hay fever real bad in Seattle and spends an entire night sneezing at EAR SPLITTING volume, each sneeze followed by a, "AHH!" from Shane as he is startled awake. Again.

- The Christmas wish lists of every Pike child and how they're going to be divvy'd up for the year. This conversation takes place in September.

- "I'm telling you, the penalty kill could be a work of fucking art if Haas--oh fuck, right there, don't stop--"

- As stated before, an objectively obnoxious amount of showering is happening. At one point LaPointe turns to Bood and says something to the effect of, "Crazy that Hollander takes TWO showers after every game, I guess he really is superstitious," and Bood just. Chooses not to engage.

- A thunderous and almighty BANG. This is the sound of Ilya's suitcase hitting the floor after it inevitably slides off the bed.

- "Shaaaaane, look at the livestream from the dog hotel--look at how cute! She is so sleepy, she's holding her banana like a baaaaby--"

- Vin Diesel's voice, unimaginably loud, at one AM

- Russian Yelling (Non sex reasons) (Sasha did something stupid)

- "Unh unh unh UNH UNH UNH--" (Squeak. Squeak.)

- Celtics game. Twenty minutes beforehand: "Fuck, Shane, how do I get ESPN on the stupid--Roku stick thing--"

- "Okay, look, your dad played the word veer--is not real word, right? Like, deer with a V? It's real? Shane, we can't let your dad win--no, it's not cheating, he gets Yuna's help--"

- Stuff about Rose Landry's upcoming film that they should probably all sign NDAs for even thinking about.

- Russian Yelling (Sex reasons. Probably. It sounds...ardent.)

- One time, for an entire night, silence. The day immediately preceeding this night and the morning immediately after are best left unspoken about.

- The sound of Shane's fuckass electric toothbrush for WAY too long. Seriously man it cannot be healthy to brush your teeth for that lo--oh. Got it. Okay. Where are my earbuds.

- "I mean, it's not like I'm sixteen anymore, right? It's just that sometimes I think she looks at me and sees a fucking kid still, and I get it, I get it--and fuck, babe, I know it's not fair to feel this way, she's the only mom I'll ever have, and you don't even--ugh--"

- "I'm so terribly sorry the hotel misplaced your bags, Mister Rozanov. If there's any way that we can...make it up to you..." [Giggle. Kissing sound. Kissing sound. Moan.]

- Banging on the wall and, "KEEP IT DOWN, ROOK," the one. Singular. Time. That Holmberg manages to pull on their West Coast roadie. Which may or may not be the beginning of his villain origin story.

[lavenderprose]

My absolute gospel truth and I'm sorry this is so sappy but--where I'm living, Ilya fully changes his name to Hollander when they get married, like just fully legally changes it. And despite the fact that he continues to use Rozanov professionally ("Just like J. Lo," Ilya says.) everyone who knows them personally obviously knows what Ilya's legal name is and also assume it's a way to kind of stick it to his shitheel father. To this end, and kind of as a joke at first, people start referring to their two-person unit as The Hollanders ("Okay, the Hollanders are in room 508" etc.) but it becomes steadily less and less a joke when neither Shane or Ilya really seems to think of it as one. Ilya especially seems to genuinely love it. He'll say shit like "Oh yes the Hollanders will be there" when asked if they're coming to a barbecue like they live in a postcard. He LOVES to give his name as Ilya Hollander and he LOVES to book reservations under 'Misters Hollander' and he LOVES to say the words 'Shane and Ilya Hollander' out loud with his mouth. I also think that for their last game together in the league Ilya and Shane wear jerseys that say S. Hollander 24 and I. Hollander 81 and it's like. An end of an era type thing. And they frame the jerseys.

[lavenderprose]

Ilya is so lucky that Shane proposed. Ilya would have been a nervous fucking wreck for the entire day beforehand. Wake up in the morning. Look in the mirror. Today's the day. Sob. Breathe. Okay I'm good! Turn around and Shane's hair is all in his face, still asleep on Ilya's pillow. I am NOT good. Cold shower. Breakfast that Ilya does not eat. Morning jog wherein Ilya runs like someone is chasing him. Lunch that Ilya does not eat. Drive out to the cottage. Make Shane pull over because Ilya needs to dry heave on the side of the road. "Baby we don't have to drive out today if you're not feeling well." "NO WE HAVE TO." Get to the cottage. Immediately send Shane on some kind of extended fool's errand. Shane wants to stay because Ilya is SHAKING and he is so worried. "No my love I'm fine it's just the breeze off the lake haha." It's thirty fuckig degrees Celsius. Shane finally gtfo's. Yuna, David, Rose FUCKING Landry all descend to help Ilya set up. Well. Ilya is supposed to be helping but he is standing on the deck fully dissociating. Yuna brings him tea. "Are you going to throw up the tea?" "Yes probably." Yuna takes away the tea. 800 electronic tea lights on the deck. In a parallel Ilya has no way of understanding, he both puts on and takes off a suit. Yuna fixes his curls into the hockey boy quasi-mullet that magnetizes Shane's fingers to Ilya's hair and says, "Oh, you're so handsome!" Ilya cries big fat tears. David tells a story about how his proposal to Yuna almost didn't happen because David went to the hospital for heart palpitations that morning. Thank You David That Does Not Help Even Remotely. Ilya slav squats on the lawn for twenty minutes. Shane's car pulls up in the driveway and everyone hides while Ilya vibrates in the entryway. Shane has no less than thirty grocery bags hanging from his arms, still complaining about why the grocery service cancelled their delivery last minute. Ilya leads Shane and all thirty of his grocery bags onto the deck. Shane is doing his favorite thing (bitching) and his second favorite thing (Follow Ilya) so he doesn't notice his own mother tiptoing behind him collecting the grocery bags he drops like breadcrumbs. There is an Oscar-winning actress hiding under his sofa and Shane does not notice because Ilya takes him on the deck and drops to his knees and Shane is like, "Haha, right now?" and then he sees that Ilya has a look on his face like he's just been told the sun is never coming up again and he has his hands on Shane's knees and he is saying, "Shane. Please?" and Shane puts his hands on his head and says "Oh my God baby what's happening to you" as Ilya melts and melts and then from the depths of the cottage someone who sounds a lot like Shane's very own father is whispering "The ring the ring" and when he looks back down Ilya is fumbling a ring box out of his pocket. The first picture of their proposal is Shane glaring into the middle distance with a hand cradling Ilya's curls like a baby while Ilya ugly sobs into his knee.

[lavenderprose]

Ottawa wins the Cup, wins it in LA, and due to the proximity to stardom and the several actual celebrities who make a point to come out and celebrate with the Centaurs, there are approximately seven hundred angles of the festivities on every social media by the following morning.

One of these is your classic TMZ highly invasive round-the-corner spy shot of Shane and Ilya--like, waiting for an Uber, is what it looks like, and the bass from inside the club is pounding and you can barely hear what they're saying except that the guy standing next to them is also TMZ and he's got a directional mic sticking out of his pocket pointed at them and when he gets into position you can hear Shane Hollander, like, fucking giggle.

"I'm sorry," Shane says, and his arms are around Ilya's neck. "I got--I'm a little drunk."

"It's okay," Ilya says, and he brushes a hand through Shane's hair. "Did you have fun?"

"Ye-s-s-s," Shane says, nodding his head decisively. "We won the Cu-p."

"Yes we did. I am proud of you."

"I'm proud of you!" Shane cups a hand around the back of Ilya's neck and giggles again into his shoulder. "Why aren't you drunk? I drank the same things as you--"

"I'm drunk," Ilya chuckles. "But I have twenty pounds on you and I am Russian, so."

"That's not a thing. That's not really a thing." Shane sighs and goes a bit boneless against Ilya's body and says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, uh--"

"Shh. You said you had fun, and this is all that matters. My beautiful winner." He kisses the side of Shane's face, loudly and repeatedly.

Shane makes a sound that Twitter, TikTok and Instagram comment sections will all agree is a purr.

There are also, by the following morning, about a hundred discrete comments on various platforms that all say some version of Oh I just know he talks him through it.

[lavenderprose]

Shane in the locker room of any given All Star Game after he and Ilya get married and are playing on opposing teams for the weekend: If we don't beat those guys I will actually spend the rest of my life thinking about it. This is your only chance to prove to me that you belong in the NHL. This is not a friendly game, this is a grudge match to the death. I want you all to lock in like you have never fucking locked in--

Meanwhile, Ilya: Woohoo boys let's play some fucking hockey [Timber by Pitbull blasting at full volume]

Cliff Marleau, probably: Hollander's gonna kill you in cold blood, man.

Ilya: Cliff. Cliff let me look in your eyes when I say this. I know. I will enjoy it very much. My night ends the same whether I win or lose, Marley. Anyway. [Song switches to Party Rock Anthem] LET'S MAKE THEM WORK FOR IT BOYS. WOO

Cliff: Dude what is this playlist.

Ilya: It is called 'Prom Night 2013.' Was a good year for me, Marley.

[lavenderprose]

Crucially #myshane plays to his twentieth season which is just long enough to have the experience of meeting Ottawa's new draft prospect, also named Shane, and to smile and jokingly say, "Hey nice name," and for the rookie to gulp and say, "Thank you sir I am named after you" and that makes Shane sit in his stall and stare at the floor between his skates for. Significantly too long to be healthy.

[memyselfandi13531]

post tlg some random asshole defenseman makes a shitty comment about shane taking it up the ass and shane looks at him, then at the scoreboard that shows the centaurs winning 6-1, then back down at him like "i dunno man i think one of us is getting fucked in the ass right now and it isn't me." and then that guy tries to fight him

[raincitygirl76]

Shane has always been so polite, it feels to other teams like he’s had a personality transplant once he joins Ottawa. In fact, he’s just finally letting his inner snarky bitch run free. Everybody in the league except Hayden, JJ and Ilya are dumbfounded when it turns out nice, polite Shane Hollander has a bitchy side. They always knew about it.

And really, what can this random d-man from another team do to Shane? He’s heard all the homophobic chirps before. He’s been outed. The commissioner has threatened to take hockey away from him. He’s been run out of his old team on a rail. Some sponsors have probably dropped him because suddenly he’s “controversial.”

Total strangers on Twitter who used to worship Shane are sending him death threats. People he’s known for a decade (people he used to consider his friends) assume he threw games for Ilya. People whose weddings and birthday parties he attended didn’t show up for his wedding, have turned on him, are actively bad-mouthing him in the press.

The polite golden boy persona always seemed like protective camouflage. But when the chips were down, it did nothing to protect him. Shane may as well say what he really thinks from now on. That random defenceman won’t know what hit him.

[mybloodstream-caffeine]

I do want Shane to interact with his fellow queers who know fuck all about hockey, if only so he can experience the supreme satisfaction of having SOMEONE react appropriately to the reveal that he's dating Ilya - which is to say, they take one look at Ilya before whipping back around to Shane, jaws dropped, and go "Holy SHIT!!" and Shane can FINALLY smugly proclaim "I KNOW right??" Let him have this, at least

[stabthroughme]

There is a photo deep in the Centaurs media reel archives from a community day thing where baby Shane (7) is running away from Chuck the Beaver and being “protected” by the then-Captain of the Centaurs.

Harris finds it while combing through the archives for fun comparisons to the current team.

Instantly posts it with a picture of Ilya pulling Shane away from a fight single handed, and with the photo from Shane and Scott’s post-game fight when he was a Metro.

“It only takes one Ottawa Centaur to keep national treasure Shane Hollander safe. How many Metros does it take to stop gay on gay crime???”

[lavenderprose]

Like I just knooooow people are tired of them. Everyone knows without being told that they are having freak sex CONSTANTLY and that they are so in love about it. Like how does it feel to be together for twelve years married for one and you are STILL knocking the walls down every night. Everyone said it HAS to stop at some point and they are WRONG. Second season on the Cens Shane is still coming in routinely with bite marks on the BACK OF HIS SHOULDER and there is only one mathematical explanation for how they got there. Like ohhhh my name is Shane Hollander/Ilya Rozanov and the only thing I do is win Stanley Cups and have hot freaky athletic people sex with a man who would kill and die for me and I make MILLIONS OF MONEYS while doing it. I know people hate them.

[argillaforma]

thinking about shane who in his late 30’s discovers that he might be autistic and kind of freaks out about it because he’s already the gay hockey player and the asian hockey player he doesn’t also want to be the autistic hockey player with all the negative stereotypes it comes with but he finally confides in ilya one day and says i think i might have autism and ilya gives him a soft look and says yes i think maybe you do and at first shane gets a little angry at ilya because why does it seem like you knew? how did you know? why didn’t you tell me? and ilya says because i think you deserve to figure out how you feel without me plantning ideas in your head and no matter what you would still be my shane, trying to be all sweet about it and shane gives him a careful look and asks is that why you haven’t turned on the overheard light in 2 years and ilya sighs and nods

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[binkythegeek]

I will add that he contracts Yuna and Svetlana to do research on players and coaches. They get so good that the league starts requiring that he sign contracts saying he will never acquire ownership of any teams. And when teams sign him on they MUST agree to sensitivity training before he even starts his evaluations.

[bees-reads]

Harris has the idea to make the centaurs try Pilates for a video. Everyone is immediately humbled and going through hell apart from Shane who is having the time of his life.

[tinylilhollander]

While I'm thinking about it, I absolutely believe that on the rare occasion Shane has a beer, he sometimes sits there running his fingers up and down the length of the bottle as a stim because it's cool and the condensation feels nice against his fingers.

But then he suddenly, out of nowhere, finds himself being dragged off to the bathroom by an Ilya who can barely speak, but just about manages to choke out that if he's going to be giving out handjobs to beer bottles, he's got to be willing to be giving them to his husband too. And Shane is only too happy to oblige. His fingers are still cold and a little damp from the bottle, but that's Part Of It now.

[pregnanthudsonwilliams]

i feel like shane has never seen a single episode of real housewives or the mormon wives but he would somehow know all the drama

[themoonandmyman]

Because Ilya will debrief him after every episode with a glass of wine. Ilya always says ‘why don’t you just watch it’ but Shane likes to hear how Ilya tells it :)