So a long time ago I noticed something hilarious about the Sith and their underlings, and I feel like I have to share it again.
Or more exactly, they’re all bald as kriff with the exception of Chancellor Palpatine (an oversight corrected as soon as he turns into the full-on corrupted, please-throw-it-in-the-trash Emperor Sidious) and Count Dooku, who has a receding hairline and a glorious beard but was always the classiest of those idiots anyway.
Time to explore the terrible side-effects of the Dark Side.
The Grand Inquisitor, the Seventh Sister, the Fifth Brother? None of these jerks have hair. It’s partly due to species, that’s true, but the pattern is too funny.
The Eighth Brother? Is a ninja turtle according to his concept art, so I’d bet he doesn’t have hair either.
Asajj Ventress used to have hair back when she was a Jedi and doesn’t anymore. See the Dark Side in action, peeps!
These two asses? Never had hair, not even eyebrows. Savage is even missing a horn!
Now we know that Zabraks can have hair:
(Look, it’s Eeth Koth, a real badass and a sweetheart! Say hi to Eeth!)
But the Dark Side apparently bred it out of the Nightbrothers.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven hairless Zabraks. And speaking of breeding Nightbrothers…
Is it really messed up hair? Is it a headdress? I don’t know, and neither do the animators apparently. Btw, Mother Talzin was inspired by Darth Maul’s absolutely nightmarish concept art that I won’t feature here because this blog is child-friendly - and let me tell you, that was some karked up hair.
Okay, so we have Sidious, Vader (who, let’s not forget, used to have some truly magnificent hair back in his non-evil days), Dooku, the Inquisitorius, Darth Maul, Savage Opress, Asajj Ventress, Mother Talzin.. Who are we missing?
The Incarnation of the Dark Side itself, aka The Son, aka The Fanged God. (His sister the Light has gorgeous glowing hair, btw, and their dad has one truly epic beard.)
… This… thing. Snoke. Failed-clone-whatever. Sith abomination. Baldy.
And Grievous! That bastard doesn’t even have the Force, so I’m assuming it’s just karma at this point. And don’t give me that “he’s a cyborg” banthacrap, he used to be a Kaleesh! And Kaleesh can have hair!
Just kidding, don’t be mean to Jar Jar, he’s a sweet guy. (The Disappeared is a great arc, fight me!)
Okay here’s the real knee-slapper.
Innocent baby finds evil red thing.
Ezra Bridger, now with 75% less hair.
Seriously, the Dark Side will corrupt your body and make you ugly inside and out. (Not that Ezra was ever ugly. I love your haircut, baby, it’s okay.) People will go “kill it! kill it with fire!!!”
(See Anakin? That’s what you get for being a mass-murdering Sith. No more glorious hair for you.)
Now, I know there exist one exception to the Rule of Shitty Hair.
(The shitty part is still debatable, granted.) Personally, I choose to believe it’d have fallen out sooner or later. In the meantime, he was just an exceptionally crappy Dark Sider. (Seriously, have you seen how he fights? He hacks at stuff! He’s all “hit it till it dies”! That’s not saberwork! Dooku would hand him his skinny ass with two hands behind his back. Even Ventress would take him!)
Now, remember. All Dark Siders have terrible hair, but not all people with terrible (or absent) hair are Dark Siders. If I see anyone include Mace, Plo, Kit, Yoda or any hair-lacking Jedi here, we’re going to have words. Comics and video games also don’t count.
… Although Trilla Suduri (Second Sister)’s hair is a mess, and Darth Momin might have had hair but he’s still the most disgusting thing to ever come out of the Dark Side by a large margin. You’ll also note that the entire Separatist Council is made of bald people, that their army is non-organic and thus bald by default, and that Sly Moore and Mas Amedda (Palpatine’s aide and Vice-Chancellor) are both bald as well, and happen to be huge pricks.
It does explain why Vader, Maul, Grievous, Dooku, Ventress and Sidious were all obsessed with Obi-Wan for what amounts to about like 70 years combined.
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
kianamaiart
romaincrisis
