Sofeey B. @sofeeybratcliffe - Tumblr Blog

Due to a typo, your local store/mall/etc. put out a request for an appearance by Satan instead of Santa. He follows through with the request.

pajama-nerd

He shows up and reads through the entire job contract, notes the spelling ‘Santa’ and just corrects each one with a red pen. He eyes the mall representative, who is sweating bullets, but says nothing about the fact that the contracts he’s making are with children, or that they don’t involve souls of any kind. He signs on the bottom line in a strange, bony quill. There’s a strange red flash, and the mall rep is super reluctant to ask. Or touch the contract.

Satan wears the red suit and the hat and the boots, if awkwardly (those cloven hooves, don'tchaknow).

The elves stand well away, but he’s hardly bothered by that, casually waiting on a throne that’s far more cheerful and composed of significantly less bone than the one he’s used to. The children are hesitant at first, until a little girl marches up, sans-parents, and plops herself on his knee, looking up at him with the set jaw of someone who isn’t interested in this farce.

“I want a pony,” she says with a roll of her eyes. She’s no more than nine. He arches an eyebrow “Do you?” he asks. She scoffs.

“Tch, no, but you’re just a man in a suit, it’s not like you can’t get me what I want.” He smiles at her assertiveness and steeples his fingers, careful not to jostle her from her perch. “Try me.” She narrows her eyes at him, studying his inscrutable face before folding her arms. “There’s a bully at my school, and I want him to go away,” she said. His eyebrow arched a little higher and he tilted his head. “And if I do this, I believe the standard contract is that you will be a ‘good girl’ and behave appropriately towards your most favored parent?’ he replied. The child rolls her eyes. “Yeah, sure,” she says. He nods and holds out his hand, which curls around hers entirely when she puts hers out.

“It will be done.”

After that, the children are a lot less hesitant, although several adults attempt to leave. Several hundred bargains are made. For toys. For new family. For present family to suffer. For puppies. And kittens. For understanding. For acceptance.

He declines anything borne of pettiness - of momentary squabbles between jealous children - and redirects them towards more productive desires.

He turns away anyone over the age of eighteen, though several adults attempt to approach. Later they are plagued with horrible nightmares.

At the end of each day, he returns to the underworld and assembles teams of demons, handing out assignments to each of them, to be researched heavily and then executed the night of December 24th. The demons are confused, but do as they’re told, because the dark lord’s edicts are undeniable. His secretary gives him an odd look, but Satan is immune to searching looks, and says nothing, just retires to his room, gets up in the morning, has his coffee, and returns to the mall, donning the suit and heading for the chair.

At the end of the week, he has made more than a thousand deals. The demon hordes are scurrying back and forth between hell and the physical plane.

There are many confused parents, come Christmas morning. Some find themselves with various pets they don’t remember registering for. Others with children. Others still find that their children have undergone some sort of personality shift, to the delight of their siblings.

The first girl is bitter in her heart as she opens gifts, until a letter is personally delivered by a strange mailman, detailing the removal of a teacher from the school she attends. She reads and rereads the letter after her parents finish with it, heart beating strangely lighter in her chest. Her parents are bemused and delighted about the hugs she gives them, and about the enthusiasm with which she ravages her other presents.

They are far less bemused by the black, hellfire-maned pony that is left on their doorstep, a tag attached to the pommel of the saddle that reads, ‘To Katie, Regards, Satan’

rainnecassidy

best.

squeelyeah

the best Christmas story I have read so far

captainlordauditor

is this terry pratchett

Poor little Elvis is pretty put out with me. How dare I take him to the vet when his tail is hurt. He got bit on his tail by something and it made an abscess that burst last night. Now after sutures and a drain being put in, he is a very stoned, grumpy cat. https://www.instagram.com/p/BnXVeKiF8j_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=dwnawaaorbut

This girl is for real one of the coolest people I know. I'm proud to call her a best friend of mine. @nataleejae thank you for an amazing night! I love your energy and your ability to make me feel better when I'm down. You're the best Nat! https://www.instagram.com/p/BnLY6-9lUmX/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=xy38ak6lnjax

#32weeks love this big old honey bear of mine! 8 weeks left and we will be a family of three. Rob is gonna be the best Papa Bear ever. We can't wait for Georgia to make her appearance. Photocred to @pyromaniac_border https://www.instagram.com/p/Bm4QuZXlgLL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=p1cnmhnzzb14

#32weeks

"Bye, bye miss American pie..." #imadethis #applepie https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmw6wbQFIdf/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1pyxrpshdh18i

#imadethis #applepie

The only boy my husband wont get jealous over me kissing. We love Mr. Cash. #catmom #myhandsomelittleman #kittykisses #heistoosweet #thecatinblack https://www.instagram.com/p/BmjvhRMF0JR/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=h849ngmx79hx

#catmom #myhandsomelittleman #kittykisses #heistoosweet #thecatinblack

birlybir-deactivated20170111

ndnickerson

COLLEGE FIRST.

las0rs-and-spikes

I love how the Addams Family has ZERO slut-shaming. Like… honey you can dance naked and enslave someone with your womanly charms if you want to, I don’t fucking care, but so help me you’re going to get a college education first.

A+ PARENTING

loki-of-sassgaard-deactivated20

The Addamses are what every family should aspire to be like (you know; without the dismemberment and electric chairs as play time). Honestly, have you ever seen more unconditionally loving and supportive parents than Gomez and Morticia? And not just with the kids, but with each other. I think what’s especially unique about them is how open they are with everything. They don’t treat their children like children. They treat them like they treat everyone else; direct, and to the point.

brokenasphyxiation-deactivated2

I HAVE to reblog this…

mystraknits-deactivated20160402

so many shows about a family use a constant abrasion between the parents in order to bring the plot along. not the addams family, no. gomez and morticia were disgustingly in love to the point that gomez kissing up morticia’s arm to her neck is something that even people who haven’t seen the show will recognize. they have a marriage to strive for

absynthe--minded

There’s an episode of the original show where a rebellious runaway teenager crashes at their house, and is taken aback by how little they care about how he dresses or what he says, and they wind up teaching his parents how to love their son. Four for you Addamses, you go Addamses.

candiikismet

Parent Goals

sofeeybratcliffe

Morticia is #momgoals

loracarol

Clark doesn’t dress as Superman for the Daily Planet’s annual Halloween party just for the sake of irony.

He also does it because he knows that Bruce will find out, because Bruce always finds out, and he thinks it’ll be hilarious.

Well, that plus Bruce is always getting on his case about the fact that he doesn’t even bother to wear a mask as Superman. Clark has tried to explain it, how posture and body language can change people’s perceptions, how he keeps his Midwestern drawl as Clark, but drops it for Superman, how he wears intentionally ill-fitting clothing as Clark to hide his body shape…

Bruce believes him, but only begrudgingly. After watching the fifth talk show where Bruce has to comment about how “Do the butts match?” Clark has to wonder if Bruce isn’t also maybe a little bit jealous. It’s a good thing that Clark isn’t the petty sort, (Except maybe he kind of is, just a little bit.)

He almost buys the “Stripper Superman” Halloween outfit because it makes him crack up; only the fact that it’s a work party dissuades him. Instead he goes for the one that has fake muscles in it. They’re so awful, and so anatomically incorrect that he has to go for it. The fabric is shiny, and the “S” stretches funnily across his chest when he tries it on; the fabric is, after all, also cheap. The cape only goes down to his waist, and he has to buy the tights separately. It doesn’t comes with shoes, only boot covers, and he immediately decides he’s going to wear crocs.

Because he’s Superman.

He can do what he wants.

Bruce finds out about his plans (…because of course he does), and tries to talk him out of it. Clark listens politely, then mentions politely that he’s been watching episodes of drag race to get tips on how to make a fake derriere for his costume. After all, he’s got to make sure that the butts match.

Bruce leaves him alone after that (except to mutter darkly that Clark’s secret identity is going to be blown, and is Clark really-?)

When he gets dressed for the party, Clark makes sure not just to slick back his hair, but to make it obvious it’s slicked back. He parts it to the “wrong” side, like he was looking in the mirror when he did his hair, and forgot everything was backwards. He puts on the ridiculous, ill-fitting costume, the crocs, the boot covers, and adjusts all the foam “muscles” so that he “looks like Superman.”

He wears his glasses, because everyone knows Clark Kent can’t see without his glasses. He makes sure to slouch at the party, to keep to the mannerisms that scream to the world “I Am Clark Kent And Definitely Not Superman Nope.” And if his drawl is a little stronger that night then normal? It’s probably the available drinks.

Funnily enough, he’s not actually the only person to dress up as Superman; Superman is a popular figure at the Daily Planet, and there are enough costumed fans to have a “Superman look-alike” competition.

When Bruce finds out that Clark came in last place… Well, it’s hard not to act smug.

sofeeybratcliffe

This is fucking gold.

oceanstrology

the keyword for each rising sign and why

aries rising - courageous

these people like to get things done immediately. this can be both a good thing and a bad thing. they are usually impulsive because they want to solve problems quickly. they are very competitive! they get angry quickly but they get over it just as fast. this can change depending on the rest of their chart. they don’t hold grudges because they don’t like to drag things out for too long. they are restless, active and fearless. at their workplace or school, when there’s a crisis (no matter how small), aries rising naturally takes the role as the leader. they are enthusiastic and adventurous. this might intimidate people who are quieter. they’re charming and love to chase the person they’re attracted to. they love to focus on their goals. aries rising is very motivated to succeed. everyone will notice when an aries rising is in the room.

taurus rising - secure

these guys are very relaxed. they’re stable, responsible and reliable. they are very loyal, but to everything, not just people. this is why they hate change. this can also relate to their stubbornness. even though they aren’t typically super loud or all over the place, it’s easy to notice a taurus rising. they love material possessions. they’re very cautious. they don’t want to hurt other people, especially when rejecting someone. even though they don’t want to hurt them, they want to be honest. they want to be successful and are very artistic. they’re either very nice and social or rude and quiet. they are very patient. it’s obvious when they have a certain opinion on you, though they won’t mention it. you’ll just know and they’ll stay respectful.

gemini rising - intellectual

they LOVE to learn. they want to know about everything! they’re super curious. there’s not one topic they’re not interested in. they are restless and impatient. everyone knows how clever they are. gemini risings are EXCELLENT with communication. this leads to them talking a lot. they’re very bubbly. they analyze everything around them and have very short attention spans. they’re great at getting other people to like them because of how witty and charming they are. they know exactly what the other person wants to hear and will say it. they also mimic other people’s mannerisms. they’re great at pretending they’re paying attention when they’re not. they’re very good at multitasking. they are great debaters! gemini risings don’t like schedules. they’re very social but they don’t want anyone getting close to them. they love exchanging ideas.

cancer rising - gentle

it’s easy to meet a cancer rising. you immediately feel like you’ve already known them. they make you feel comfortable without even trying. they are very sensitive. they approach things in a soft way- never harsh when they talk to people or when doing something. they are usually very shy and may sometimes feel like they need to protect themselves. when they’re doing something they aren’t familiar with, they’re cautious. this may change depending on the rest of their chart. some cancer risings may appear over-sensitive and moody. security is very important to them. they don’t like anything to be casual and unsure. they may appear vulnerable but might not be. they are imaginative, sympathetic and sentimental. they like to make other people happy and care about their image.

leo rising - bold

leo risings stand out. they always make some sort of impression on other people. they’re very careful about how they appear to others. they’re very aware of their image and they’re ALWAYS on a stage, even if it’s not literal. they appear bossy, dramatic and they jump to conclusions. they also are VERY fun to be around, ambitious, and enthusiastic. they have lots of ideas. they’re great at presenting and love to be admired. leo risings can turn into power-hungry or aggressive. they are very artistic and excited. they know how to make everyone else have fun. they’re great at making other people passionate about something they’re passionate about.

virgo rising - coherent

virgo risings are shy. they are very reserved so people might mistake them for being rude and critical. they’re very loyal to their friends. they care a lot about details. people tend to go to virgo risings for help. they’re very modest and helpful. they tend to have anxiety issues. virgo risings are very good at adapting to change. they can be pretty critical without realizing how sensitive others may be. they are very practical and organized. they’re great at learning and they’re very curious. virgo risings are very dependable and excellent at teaching. they love to keep busy and are great at focusing, so they’re great at finishing projects!

libra rising - sociable

libra risings are very approachable. they’re very charming. developing a relationship with one may seem great, but they don’t do very well in personal relationships. however, this may change depending on the rest of their chart! they are very dependent and love companionship. libra risings love to look good. they care a lot about what they wear. they love the arts. they’re very social but they appear emotionally detached and unavailable. they also come off as shallow and bossy. they may be very indecisive. libra risings love to get their way. they try to please everyone by agreeing with them, which can lead to problems. they do this because they love to be loved. this is another thing that may change depending on the rest of their chart. they are always surrounded by friends!

scorpio rising - dominating

no one messes with a scorpio rising because no one wants to. there’s something about them that makes everyone want to respect them. they are very determined. they’re either loved or hated by others, there’s no in between. they are unaware of how they come off to others. they are all about being private. they always try to figure out what other people’s intentions are. scorpio risings like other people who are reliable and comfortable to be around. they usually dislike making impulsive decisions and are very defensive of themselves. they have a very tough shell, it’s hard to crack it and find out what’s inside. they can either be very loud or very quiet. they love competition and are very driven. scorpio risings are clever, critical and intuitive.

sagittarius rising - optimistic

every sagittarius rising is very adventurous. they want to explore! they have tons of energy and are restless. they’re very direct and likable. sagittarius risings love to talk and everything they say is very interesting. you never get bored when you’re with a sagittarius rising. they’re very optimistic. others will view them as confident and naive. they’re very humorous and charismatic. they’re excellent at bringing two people together. sagittarius risings typically don’t like routine or competition. they love independence and freedom. “the journey is worth more than the destination” perfectly describes them. they’re very generous and love helping, unless it requires doing a task that they can find boring. a sagittarius rising is the definition of enthusiastic.

capricorn rising - mature

capricorn risings are excellent with deadpan humor. they appear very serious, even when they aren’t trying to be. they seem to be serious when doing what ever they want to do. they are very aware of how they appear to others. they want other people to view them as successful. they are very responsible and reliable. this can change, depending on the rest of their chart. they focus on their goals and often worry about the future. if they don’t like something about themselves, this can lead them to self-destruction. they like to hang around people who will improve their image. they may doubt some choices they make but it will always look like they’re very sure of themselves. they come across as very practical and reserved. they also may appear very stoic and wise.

aquarius rising - unique

aquarius risings are very unique. they like to appear original. they also appear very intellectual. they are very curious and approachable. many people may go to them for advice. they are the definition of humanitarian. aquarius risings don’t get surprised very easily but they always want to surprise everyone around them. they want to show others how diverse and different they can be. they want to appear unpredictable, and they typically do. they are very friendly and treat everyone with equal respect. they don’t really focus on details, but this also depends on the rest of their chart. they tend to feel like they’re excluded from other people. they care lots about personal freedom and love to play devil’s advocate.

pisces rising - unpredictable

these people like to just go with the flow. they are changeable. they tend to seem like an entirely different person every single day. this can help them attract a wide variety of people. they’re very charming. pisces risings aren’t very organized but this can change depending on the rest of their chart. they are very emotional. they’re artistic, imaginative and creative. they don’t like conflict. they’re sensitive to criticism. they’re great at helping people and keeping secrets. they’re great at manipulating others to feel sorry for them so they can get what they want. this is confusing, because they can also be vulnerable and want to help others get what they want. they usually don’t like attracting attention to themselves but this can also change depending on the rest of their chart.

anxietyproblem

What are the typical signs of anxiety? I can feel myself shaking and my hands are ice cold

Shaking and hands being cold are some signs of anxiety. To name a few: ringing in ear, sweaty palms, and Difficult breathing

What are some symptoms do you experience?

mythopoeticlicense

Among other things: a feeling like a staticky, buzzy ball is pushing down in my chest, a pain in my jaw from the muscle clenching (headache due to same), intrusive thoughts, difficulty sleeping, million mile an hour thoughts, overwhelming urge to escape (not to anywhere, just escape).

My normal response to flight or flight is fight, my response to anxiety is flight.

thepandorariddle

Chest pains, a fuzzy and often distracted mind (from not sleeping enough), terrible insomnia, feeling like there’s no air.

triforcebravery

I stutter when i have attacks

the9livesofamao

Oh, that urge to escape! That’s a big one. Escape from what? Just go! With a big helping of racing thoughts on the side. That’s gas on the fire.

I also get muscle tension, a heavy chest/shortness of breath, and racing heartbeats sometimes. Which can make my hands shake if it gets really bad.

tellersbabymomma

I always thought that I was the only person who felt like this. I’m sorry that I’m not alone, but I’m not sorry because I know there are people who can understand me when I say I feel like the air is being sucked outta my lungs & my brain feels like it’s on speed

Walgreens got me feeling like a drug dealer #lovenoxshots #lovenoxbaby #walgreens #notadruggie #ijusthaveproblemswithmyblood https://www.instagram.com/p/BmhLRMCFMDF/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1mwe6rdshki2i

#lovenoxshots #lovenoxbaby #walgreens #notadruggie #ijusthaveproblemswithmyblood

lulucute-deactivated20181209

Air/water signs: i just need some space.

Earth/fire signs: Does this mean they don’t like/love us? what did we do wrong? did we over do it? what does space mean and how long do they need it? but why they want to leave us? They probably hate us. I miss them already, come back please.

straightallies-deactivated20240

*straight people voice* is he… you know…

amberrassing

I hate to be that person but perhaps the reason that ‘all straight people’ feel the need to phrase things like this carefully is because everything and anything a straight person says can be twisted into something homophobic etc when it isn’t. Because straight/white/cis people are awful according to this website, and aren’t allowed to say anything.

jeongguksoveralls

SOMEONE FINALLY SAID IT

strawberryfujo

I FOUND THE POST

Sometimes I miss home a little too much. #wannagoback #imissit #memphis #home #takemebacktotennessee #myroots

#imissit #wannagoback #memphis #myroots #takemebacktotennessee #home

Baby Ratcliffe coming October 19th, 2018! #babyratcliffe #10weeks #oct192018 #mylilnugget

#babyratcliffe #10weeks #oct192018 #mylilnugget

mylordshesacactus

did I ever tell y’all about the time my dad’s friend got near-fatally stabbed by a deer

mylordshesacactus

I worry that you may look at this and picture my dad’s friend being gored by a deer. you may think I am being slightly careless or hyperbolic with my word choice

oh no. no no no.

he got stabbed by a deer. with a knife. a deer used a knife to stab him and he almost died.

mylordshesacactus

okay so

It is a fact of life in the time and location in Ohio where this story takes place that the deer population has no natural predators in the area. Regulated human hunting is necessary to keep the population to a healthy size.

And deer season opens in staggered brackets, right? Bowhunting opens first, to give people using bows and arrows a chance to get their shot in (no pun intended) before people with loud guns start scaring all the game away. Bore-loading rifles open next, works up to shotguns, etc. If you want to hunt deer with a machine gun you have to wait until everyone else has had their turn, basically.

So while my dad’s friend here does enjoy hunting for sport, he doesn’t need the meat the way some people do and as such he doesn’t feel right using guns; anyway, he likes the extra challenge of bowhunting, and it makes him feel better knowing that the deer have a sporting chance.

So he’s out there with a bow and arrow right when deer come into season.

Hits one. Clean shot, deer goes down, so the guy pulls out his hunting knife and walks up to this deer, which has just been shot and is by all rights already dead. He’s just doing the humane thing and checking to make sure so that he can give it a mercy stroke if it’s still clinging weakly to life.

This deer ain’t clinging weakly to shit.

So the poor man squats down next to its head, holding his hunting knife responsibly with the point facing down so that if he stumbles and falls he won’t impale himself. It’s what you’re supposed to do.

Dying deer looks him in the eye and has a split second in which it telepathically communicates: Fuck you.

Kicks out exactly one time.

Hits the knife perfectly and drives it into the guy’s thigh up to the hilt. And then dies.

Anyway there are some pretty fucking important veins and arteries in your thigh, which the deer’s Taking You With Me move thankfully missed. So this man who just wanted to give deer a fair fight ended up in the middle of the woods with a gushing thigh wound and almost bled out before he managed to get himself back to his car and very, very carefully make his way to the hospital.

(By all accounts he was very good-natured about the whole thing. Once he was no longer in immediate danger of dying he thought it was hilarious. In his own words, “It’s not like I can blame him, you know? I mean…that’s fair. That’s fair.”)

And that is the story of how my dad’s friend got stabbed by a righteously pissed-off deer.

gallusrostromegalus

The only Non-Ohioan thing about this is how calm and sensible your dad’s friend was about the whole incident, instead of say, bleeding out becuase he tried to haul the carcass back or going on a militant anti-deer campaign.

Good job him.