SOFTCHAOSPOETRY

Where absurdity intertwines with the light of reality, while humor is already waiting just around the corner.

[softchaospoetry]

Carrying on one shoulder

Carrying on one shoulder

Can you feel the weight

Which is pulling you down

No excuses , no stepping back

Just further, even if all you can

Is crawling until your knees gets weak

Swallowing numbness seems as gift for me

That’s the way to move on

Why you stopped, the way is waiting

Putting the next obstacle

And deep down wishing

To pull you down again..

[softchaospoetry]

Falling, But Not Too Much

I should thank you

For the moment you left me alone,

When my eyelash fell

And you didn’t pick it up.

I should thank you

For letting my mind run

And my heart pause

When seeing those signs

That you are far away.

I should thank you

For the memories we never had

And the moments we didn’t choose.

What could cost more than that?

And here I am alone again.

[softchaospoetry]

I Forgot How To Call You Father

Don’t take my whisper away

when my voice has already gone

And your gaze suddenly made me forget

why I was born.

And when the beds grew so cold

and the blankets bit into my flesh,

I’d rather stand outside, in the rain or freezing,

just away from you — becoming invisible.

Realizing that you learned nothing

Like a tyrant, you let nothing pass you by

when you grew tired of collecting a child’s tears

Don’t forget why you started.

Seeing me as the villain,

my hands trembling,

And I forget how to call you

father.

[softchaospoetry]

One More Broken Breath

I inhale one more broken breath

Watch me fall apart — come closer

Look into my eyes, don’t be afraid, and tell me if you enjoy it

I was drawing us while you were destroying the pencils,

realizing the party was over

You felt sorry for one more goodnight

Or maybe you like watching me hang on the gallows

I am trapped — your laughter doesn’t help

I’m suffocating, press tighter

And say that you don’t exist

I am in your hands — will you protect me,

or will you throw me into a corner

like all your pretty words

that you said to me

[softchaospoetry]

One More Goodnight

Sinking sands pull me in, once again

If only I had tied my mouth shut.

Counting my breaths feels easier.

Tear out my eyes —

not seeing feels safer.

Even if that is still not enough.

Come and bind me,

the resin no longer feels so hot.

And if that is still not enough —

place me beneath the blade,

it hurts less there

Not seeing and not hearing feels so tempting

My thoughts put away,

I will carry my secrets with me,

lay them out like decorations in a corner

where light cannot reach

You will search for what was left —

what remained has already gone

And beneath the grip of the sword

I will wait

only for one more

of your goodnights.

[softchaospoetry]

Before We Wrote Ourselves In

Was it love

that demanded silence —

a suffocating one,

where staying becomes so hard?

Where I ran, curling into myself,

drawing a path we might have walked,

still hoping for your touch.

Maybe I ask for too much,

maybe I say too little —

that I want to be part of you,

just a place in your life.

I run into silence.

The language we spoke

has grown so quiet.

As if we were erased

before we had the chance

to write ourselves in.

Is it really too much to ask —

to take one small step toward me?

Let me see you.

Meet you.

Step into your slippers.

Please, call my name once more.

And when you said

that I mattered to you —

why do you still stay silent?

Am I being punished for my openness,

glancing at my phone again…

[softchaospoetry]

Fool Again

So attractive you dropped the mask.

I torture myself

with thoughts I didn’t seed.

I wish I could be someone else

to know the truth about you.

I am afraid — being fooled again,

living in fog, stupid girl.

I’ve heard it too many times.

I’m not drawing unicorns again.

We’re both addicted to something better,

but why does your hand hold me gently

while searching for another waist?

I’m a fool again…

[softchaospoetry]

Hundreds of shards

I’m holding wire that cuts me like a razor.

I let myself bleed — I’m used to that.

Like shards of glass from your possible hurts,

I’d rather hold that glass right now.

Please damage me now, so I would know

how unsafe your gentle hands are,

that your words mean nothing but a game —

a game I’m not playing anymore.

I wish I could pull you closer,

but pushing you away feels safer.

I’m not ready to break again.

Thousands of pieces in my hands — again.

[softchaospoetry]

Gentle Pace

I need something light, something small, yet precious,

because that’s what you need

to hear me better,

to feel me as real.

And every day I keep strolling with you,

gently…

to keep you safe.

That’s not too much to ask.

Never think it’s too much.

For loving you, I’m strolling slower,

even slower…

Let’s take one step per day.

We are learning to walk —

to walk together.

And when you blink again

And smile just a bit

I know I’m doing something right

[softchaospoetry]

Without Pressure

You give me so much credit

And I wonder if I even deserve it,

Or if you just pity this poor girl

With a dragon in her trembling hands.

Ribbon loosened, control lost,

When I’m just broken, my dragon in the air.

Ribbon loosened,

When I can’t hold my storm.

A gentle step back, just to keep you near to me,

Because I love you like a swimmer loves the waves — flowing together.

Like an exhale waiting for an inhale,

Without pressure, without counting.

Like the skies love clouds

And let them play alone,

Even when sometimes it feels like they will disappear.

[softchaospoetry]

Swallowing a lump

Screaming words in my head

Doesn’t really help that much

When you come closer to her

I’m torn, which hurts — I bleed on the sides

Where is my place, where to go

Did I misread again, did I mistype

You hide the red while waving the green

I watch the show, “come, let’s sit”

And when your heart swells again

Because of her, because I knew that

Please reminds me to cross my fingers…

[softchaospoetry]

Landing Again

It’s nothing, you know it’s nothing

Just a question mark crashing me again

It’s crushing me, I’m landing

The mistakes follow me, paint in my hands

As another mark even worth putting on

Landing again…

How many mistakes can I make?

On thin ice, I’m still learning to walk,

While water is caught in my shoes…

[softchaospoetry]

Collar

Shadow glance

A moment that paid too much

Letting go of something unworthy, and

Please throw me out if I’m not your machine

Let that dog sleep on the ground

Still faces, silly thoughts

I’m not going into blue again

Take my collar, dry me clean

Let me swallow a pencil

Swallow what’s still swallowed

[softchaospoetry]

Throwing out

I couldn’t pick your pieces up

And the chamber ends faded in corners

Webs where we get lost

Words that will never be heard

Pick those roots

While you look at me

The last stone in my hand

Without fire

Crickets stopped singing…

[softchaospoetry]

“Gnawing the Walls”

(Raw version)

Doors that never open…

A fog that never fades…

And whispers that remain so misunderstood

The wind wipes them away

without waiting even a moment…

A scream echoes in my walls…

Like those who are locked in a cage

They gnaw at the walls and grant no peace

Too much… all too much is all they hear

Then, the bars remain untouched

Not even hearing a whisper anymore

They go into shadow…

[softchaospoetry]

No Return

I step into the puddle

to see my reflection

still existing

waiting for rain

to wash it away

to change for good,

living differently

shutting off whimsical thoughts,

letting go of illusions,

seeing them crushed under my boots —

praying they never find their way back

to call my name again

[softchaospoetry]

Belonging To The Moon

My heart is beating,

following the train.

I’m running — don’t hold me.

The wind pushes me forward,

leaving the sunlight behind.

My werewolves are calling me.

I belong to the moon.

I run through the forest

like unacceptable trash,

my fur scaring you —

needles raised on a hedgehog’s back.

How long can I run

without being touched,

without being held —

bending my needles

just to fit?