Just your average

Hi there. My name is Alex. This is where I post observations and other random bits of things that I notice or that happen to me day to day.

[softlysaudade]

19th December 2018

Based off the quote I posted before this post, I wrote a short piece of writing, which is what I imagined thanks to said quote. As follows;

Watching her move through the field of sunflowers I’m struck by her startling beauty. Saying she walked does not convey the absolute grace that she moves with. She glides across the ground, as if the earth itself moved for her.

Wearing a simple white dress and straw hat, she was still so much more beautiful than her surroundings, she is so strongly vivacious that it blinds me more than the sun ever could.

She turns on her heel, spinning to face me, her face hidden under the straw hat, save for the bright and innocent smile she was wearing.

She noticed my slightly amazed look, and asks

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

Her voice, like water flowing down a stream, is unimaginably smooth and clear. Like listening to butterflies fluttering around me, he voice fills me with enough emotions that I might burst, and to her I reply;

“You are the dream I do not want to wake from.”

At this she flushed, a rosy complexion coming to her face. The smile never leaves her face though, if anything it grows larger at my words, and she replies;

“Well then, what are you waiting for?”

Thanks for reading I guess, feedback welcome.

[softlysaudade]

You are the dream I never want to wake up from.

Unknown

(I like this quote. It fits Saudade.)

[softlysaudade]

29th November 2018

One of my hobbies is to read. I love reading. Part of the reason why I love reading is because you can become so immersed in a world not your own. Love and hate characters and people that do not exist.

Unfortunately, I am unable to think about what I am reading when I read, because it makes me feel depressed, lonely and saudade.

To explain why, I’d like to explain my own opinion about what makes a book so immersive.

A well written book will draw you in with well defined characters, location and plot. With these three things books build an entire universe unique to that book. These worlds and made to resonate with you, you may read a book you enjoy because it has magic in it, because perhaps deep down you’d love to live in a world with magic, is one example.

Now I’m not claiming to be special, not by any means, but personally, this draw into the fantastical is extraordinarily strong, without realising I’m lost in the world of the book, inside my own head. I hear the characters like they are right there saying their lines to me. And this is the problem. When I read a book I enjoy, I feel such intense longing, a strong sense of saudade, that I find it hard to concentrate. I’ll be sad that this character in a book I like isn’t real, and I’ll never go on adventures with them or explore with them. Sometimes it’s the world, a lovely world with magic and myth, or a future dystopia or something cyberpunk-esque. And the more I think about how much I love the world in this book and the people in it, the more sad I become.

Nowadays I go into something akin to a trance. I don’t realise I’m reading, nor do I perceive the world around me. And when I finish reading it’s like I’ve awoken from a dream. Into a reality that, at first, is like a dream, that my current reality is the fake one. But it wears off, I shake the cobwebs from my mind and feel the familiar weight of this world rest into my shoulders.

As dramatic as that sounds, I feel it’s entirely too accurate.

And that’s why books are so wonderful, but fill me with such profound sadness.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

23rd November 2018

As someone with a lot of social anxiety issues and issues with self confidence I’ve often surprised myself with some interactions where I go all out, acting almost like an extrovert. I always thought it was because I was an “Extroverted-introvert” but I’ve come to realise that with every... action I take in public, either a reaction or just with any kind of action, I go through this very quick decision making progress. It’s quite short, and it’s probably why I never really noticed it before. But I always ask myself; do I care about the outcome?

Now how this changes is like, if I am with either people with similar humour as me, people I’m comfortable with, or people I’m sure I’ll never meet ever again, I will say or do things I want to do, as soon as I want to do them. I will be loud and boisterous. Extroverted, in a sense. (Although I would like to note that I get just as tired as I normally would in a social situation)

If I am with people that I care about my image that they may have of me, then I will be much less outspoken, I will be quiet and very very shy.

Just an observation I made.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

15th November 2018

Today I feel very lifeless. Perhaps as a consequence of being out for too long, and my introversion is kicking my ass, but I’ve just felt devoid of energy today, as well as being generally depressed. I just feel off. Wrong somehow. Like a picture hung slightly askew. That feeling when you feel like something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what? Something like that. And my feelings of Saudade are kicking into high as well.

And tomorrow I’ve got a birthday to attend. We will see how it goes.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

14th November 2018

I was a passenger in a car, sitting in the front seat. The person we were picking up walking up and asked to sit in the front.

I cannot understand the absolutely ridiculous thought process that went on in their head. They walked up to the car, and could have simply got in, but they asked for the front, then waited while I got out, then they got in, and I had to wait for them to move the seat forward since I’m quite tall.

All that time wasted when they could have just got in the back. It’s mind boggling.

It might seem like a strange thing to get frustrated about but over complicating something so simple just really rubs me the wrong way.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

10th November 2018

On another note I really cannot stand the sound of an electric saw cutting through wood. Grated on my soul honestly.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

10th November 2018

I blocked someone on Facebook today. First time I’ve ever done that. I think it’s time for another Facebook cleanse. Kind of like a fresh start.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

10th November 2018

Some days I feel way taller than normal. I’ll go stand somewhere I stood yesterday but I’ll feel taller, much much taller. I wonder if that’s a type of disassociation?

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

9th November 2018

I wish I could relax. I always find something to worry about. There is always something. I’m tired. I’m so tired. Maybe I’ll try relaxing for a while tonight. Really drive the worries out of my head. We’ll see.

~ Alex

[softlysaudade]

9th November 2018

I only got 3 hours of sleep today, which is bad normally but it is extra bad because I need to stay up late tonight. I also said the worlds lamest joke to my dog without realising it. Found out it’s possible to feel shame whilst being alone.

~ Alex

[softlysaudade]

4th November 2018

I had a real moment of disassociation today, made me realise how much of my life I see through a 3rd person view.

~Alex

[softlysaudade]

1st November 2018

There is a broken door handle in my house. It doesn’t bother me that it’s there, I hardly notice it. I don’t know how to fix it, but that’s not really important.

- Alex

[softlysaudade]

31st October 2018

Last night I had a really cool dream, and I’m still amazed that I remember it so vividly.

The context or story isn’t important, but the main point was that I dreamt that I had wings, big, white feathers. I still distinctly feel the weight of them on my back, feeling the feather tips brush against the lower back now and again. In this dream I even showed someone the wings, and encouraged them to feel them, and I felt them feeling my wings. I felt them touching where the wings met my back, I felt the slight tickling sensation. It is such a vivid and real memory, like it really happened. I’m still reeling about it and it’s been several hours. And don’t get me started about the flying. I remember taking off, gliding, flapping, each sensation, the specific muscle movements. Even the fatigue from flying for too long.

I’m still amazed. I never want to forget it.

- Alex