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The more you think about it, the more it drifts away from reality.

[somniumstatus]

-OEA/Trafficking survivor with BPD/CDD -Adult/Late 20s -DNI: endos/RAMCOA deniers/zionists/minors/radqueers -Fromerlly @unwaveringdreamstate

This is a blog for discussions, research and my own thoughts/feelings around CDDs, programming and more. Do not visit if you have triggers around these subjects or discussions of abuse/CSA. Asks are always open.

[calvinonwheels]

[somniumstatus]

I can't wait to go to an art museum again. We used to have free admission to the classical art museum on slow days in my old city and I would go once a week, as well as a plethora of small niche art galleries and museums and street art locations. It's been too long.

[almost-solace]

I want to talk about the side effects of programming that aren’t actual programs. There’s so much more to the trauma than that, such as:

- refusing to form relationships, especially if local, because of the fear that the new person knows or is affiliated with your abuser(s).

- being able to identify exactly what you are feeling, but unable to express the emotion. happy but can’t smile. sad but can’t cry. angry but can’t scream. scared but you’re not shaking.

- letting people hurt you, or hurting yourself, because you enjoy it. not even thinking you deserve it. you genuinely enjoy being hurt, because it’s all you’ve known.

- avoiding certain buildings, rooms, parks, roads, and places because they feel vaguely familiar, but you don’t know why.

- on the contrary, driving straight to those places for the same reason. you don’t know why, but you have a connection to this place, and you have to go.

- always assuming the worst out of loved ones. your partner forgot to text you before they left? they hate you and are plotting how to leave for good. friend gave you a gift? they’re testing your reaction to see if you really like them.

- struggling with hygiene. not because you deserve to not be taken care of, but because you don’t know how to take care of yourself. you don’t know how to brush your teeth. you don’t know how often to change clothes.

- not knowing the difference between good and bad smells. you’re sweaty and people keep looking at you funny? it’s fine, it’s not that strong. someone says your clothes smell dirty? they were cleaned a week ago, so they’re fine.

- finding people who are positive or happy either weird or stupid. i hate that girl, she’s too bubbly. that guy smiles too much. they’re too nice to me, they probably don’t even know what it’s like to suffer.

and it’s never on purpose. usually it’s never even noticed. this is how we survivors have lived for our whole lives. this is the environment we grew up in, the place we learned to survive. and it’s hard to adjust to a world where you are seen as weird, gross, or mentally unwell. it’s hard to open up and get help from people who think you’re too far gone.

[braaainwaaash]

[caged-flyingm0nkey]

Sorry I didn’t mean to

[somniumstatus]

Something I think about in relation to psychedelics and being a RAMCOA system: the good parts of a trip often end up letting you have very direct and open communication with your alters (although you're all under the influence so it's not normal) but that must also be true for bad trips.

I don't know why it never occurred to me that my bad trips could be similar in that way. A 'handler' of ours would also have bad trips, theirs always involved 'federal agents' and being told they weren't allowed wherever they were in their mind in those moments, they would spiral into psychosis for days and interrogate us.

Ours always involve 'the red place', I always saw it as a realm of pure hunger and greed, the walls are made of blood and bone and scream when you touch them, we hide from monsters who we know lurk there and interact with no one because anyone who could be interacted with is already dead.

I always saw it as just a mental state and never associated it with our system as we were not aware of anything back then and thus never put much thought into it. I don't even know what it means that my bad trips end up there, always and only there. It's a thought in process for now.

[somniumstatus]

It's an odd feeling when you have more freedom in hiding than you did before.

[somniumstatus]

It doesn't matter if you don't believe in it when they do.

[somniumstatus]

It's nice to feel mildly cohesive again now that we're 'free'. The brain/system can actually start to communicate more instead of being distinctly separated all the time to handle the situation.

A couple weeks ago we had to assign tasks and trigger switches just to get anything done. Now we can just set general reminders and do them without thinking about it. A lot of it is masking since we're around people we have to act 'normal' in front of, which isn't a bad thing, and the moments alone are nicer and less chaotic too.

The memories themselves are still fragmented seemingly beyond repair at the moment. Hopefully that will improve with time like the rest.

[somniumstatus]

[somniumstatus]

freemason /ˈfriːˌmeɪsn̩/ noun (derogatory)

An order of men who ruin your towns, own your legal system, traffic your children in blood rituals to Cannite gods and start making cartoonish hand signs when scared.

[somniumstatus]

We know it's wrong to think, but I truly wish I had stayed in trafficking as a child. At least I could enjoy that, they made me enjoy it and then took us out of it because they got caught. We were taken in by wealthy 'family' that was part of the organization and endured years of isolation, psychological torment and conditioning. But there was no enjoyment to be had. I had to seek it out alone in the dark, it was my secret, it was what I was programmed to do, nobody ever told me to stop so I didn't. Even the sexually adjacent torture I endured, wasn't what I craved. I wasn't made to enjoy that, and nobody wanted me to, so I didn't.

I wish I wasn't aroused by the abuse I endured, I wish I could have been a normal child, but I never was. What point was there in pretending otherwise? It just fractured us more. I feel like I would have been happy if they had let us stay, even if it killed us. There is no pleasure that has ever compared.

[hornetsatabatnest]

When I was initially searching I wasn’t able to find these easily so! RAMCOA information:

- End ritual abuse (links to even more resources on the website, haven’t looked at many of them)

- RA-info

- Extreme abuse survey

- Becoming yourself: overcoming mind control and ritual abuse (note: heavily recommended to go through with a therapist or someone you trust rather than alone due to triggers and safety issues. Even if you don’t have a therapist please try to have someone nearby who can intervene if something gets triggered)

- this paper seemed promising regarding information on therapy and recovery, but I can’t find a freely available version:(

- Ritual abuse and mind control: The Manipulation of attachment needs (note: not full book, haven’t read it yet but I want to)

Might gather research done on it at some point, but I know the first three links ended up being incredibly helpful with figuring out what was going on in my system and it took a while for me to even find them so. I hope this helps someone else

[somniumstatus]

I had a dream last night, the first in a year.

We were hiking in these dry grey peaks, and came across a flayed eagle. My friends told me they found out I was part of a cult organization and showed me pictures of myself that I had no memory of. For some reason they made me think of a church I attended as a child. Later while leaving I saw a grand church, like the small ornate one's you see on random streets in Italy. I recognized symbols on the front of it and painted over them which then led me to getting arrested while trying to cross the border.

I wish I could have fun dreams instead of nightmares or cryptic messages. At least I wasn't being tortured in this one.

[cor-vent]

I'm sad that my story sounds like a conspiracy theory so much.

[alleesaur]

[ ArtFight 2026 ] [2] Demise of Our Own Design

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