i’m divided

Mostly a mental health/mental illness blog. Torn between recovery and self destruction. I have bipolar 2 and bpd (borderline). And I really love art. That’s it.

[lullxbyblue]

I can just feel myself losing control of my impulses and I just want to cause a fucking scene

[hussyknee]

Forgive yourself for the way you behaved when you were in pain. You didn't mean to drag your loved ones down with you. You were only thrashing and flailing and trying to not to drown. They didn't leave because you were a bad person. They left because they couldn't save you and had to save themselves. It's not an indictment of either your worth or their love. You didn't ask too much, they just couldn't be what you needed and had to make space for someone who could.

In another life, where you had had the help you deserved, where you had had the space to breathe, where something had been different, it wouldn't have happened. Sometimes, it's all just a consequence of circumstances outside of our control. None of you deserved any of this, and you all get to hurt and grieve and be angry that it all fell out this way. But don't be ashamed that the pain got the best of you. You didn't fall short any more than they did. You just became overwhelmed.

[powerrangersystem]

[roseforviolet]

[emberuzumaki]

Maybe I just fool myself by thinking I even have the option to get better

[shit-im-bpd-too-now]

All day, errr day

[everyone-is-emptyy]

[mariposas8494]

Exactly what’s happening rn…

[gazniet]

idk who needs to hear this but your manic episodes are valid even if you don’t think your actions were “crazy” enough

[traumakid-hideout]

An episode of mania almost always always always starts out so euphorically, makes you feel like you’re on the perfect drug, makes your confidence and motivation sky rocket and has you romanticizing all the fun it baits you with. It feels so amazing, you feel like nothing can hurt you or get to you.

Then the irritability comes, genuine rage, such an uncomfortable and overwhelming increase in libido, dangerous impulses, social behavior to be humiliated from by the time you crash, severe sleep deprivation that disorients the fuck out of you the longer you go without it, without even feeling tired at all. But feeling completely out of control. And if it escalates, Lord help you. Hallucinations, bad paranoia, black outs, substance abuse (or relapse if you happen to be recovering), delusions, everything that could get you into a psych ward. It isn’t fun at the end and any pleasure you feel is completely illusionary.

The worst part is I still normally never want it to stop. Because the depression after, which gets so ugly and terrible the longer, more intense the mania is, is something I’m not looking forward to at all. That, and mania can really sometimes convince you that you love it. I’m not wanting to go there though, because I have a lot to lose. Even if I don’t lose anything, I’m tired of this cycle and just can’t afford to desire it anymore. So I’m managing where I can, but wow it’s just scary to watch it take you higher and higher into it, and further and further away from yourself.

This is precisely why I despise any sort of stigma toward bipolar disorder. It’s so misunderstood, misquoted, and mistreated. I just really want and need some help. My hands are so sweaty and shaky, my heart and my mind are racing, I can’t stop talking, I can’t eat. I can’t focus, I can only fixate. And it’s just so overwhelming already.

[wheelie-sick]

I'll constantly see people list of disorders that cause psychosis and talk about how they're highly stigmatized and somehow they never ever mention bipolar disorder? ever? and it's almost certainly because people online tend to have this perception of bipolar as the "socially acceptable sad happy disease" and it is not. it is just not. bipolar disorder is so incredibly stigmatized and its symptoms go so much deeper than just "sad and happy"

did you know bipolar causes psychosis?

do you know what mania actually is? (hint: it's not "extremely happy"!)

did you know bipolar causes hypersexuality?

did you know bipolar causes aggression?

did you know bipolar causes generally socially unacceptable behavior?

did you know bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves in a manic episode than in a depressive episode?

did you know bipolar causes a thousand other highly stigmatized symptoms?

did you know that after my bipolar disorder diagnosis people started gossiping about how I was "unstable" and therefore "untrustworthy" and I was "erratic" and "a liability"? would you guess that these things were said by a progressive activist group who were "anti-ableism"? does this all sound like an destigmatized mental illness to you?

does it????

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

[vexheart]

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Nipuna Mehta (via @nipsyyy)

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Mallory Pearson, The Heaviest Rain We Ever Had

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Nikita Gill

[seaymph]

“I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.”

— Emery Allen (via quotethat)

[ursulaklegay]

actually i love growing older and learning how i work as a person like realizing what kinds of fabrics feel best on my skin or what brand of yogurt i like best or how I want to be touched. watching myself change, enjoying brussel sprouts when I used to hate them as a child, understanding why I got angry in that one conversation 10 years ago… there are so many mysteries inside me that i have yet to unravel and there will always be more and sometimes i think maybe its all worth it