Whoops.

Emily || ♉️ || 27

[littlemut]

me: “sorry ): can’t come!! got so much to do at home”

me as soon as im home:

[simplyghosting]

Me, pointing to the mirror: Do NOT become The Joker about this. This isn’t even a Condiment Man situation.

[shetheyslain]

Are we all having a jiggly bouncing Saturday?

[bgm05]

Stevejob from a guy with glasses and a turtleneck

[brucefromfamilyguy]

[actualized-animal]

hey man, sorry that i was acting so weird and megalomaniacal last night. i wasn’t really myself. did you notice the amulet i was wearing, the one that was shaped like a dragon skull and emitting that ominous red glow? pretty sick right? …cursed? no dude, it’s literally just a prop i bought at spirit halloween. it was ten dollars. anyway have you heard of dissociative identity disorder

[subaru-copilot]

im so sorry that you're doomed by the narrative but i really need you to answer my message on Microsoft Teams

[alice-is-annoyed-deactivated202]

[kafkaesquegf]

they should invent a high ponytail that doesn’t give me a headache and they should invent a low ponytail that doesn’t make me look like a miller’s apprentice going off to enlist in the continental army

[woodsdyke]

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

[doriangraysrockcollection]

i recognize that my body would probably benefit from such as a yoga or pilates class but. well. not to be an edgelord but i need like yoga for assholes or something. i am from massachusetts and the vibe at these things puts me directly into fight or flight mode. why are you acting like this let me out let mE OUT

[mortalityplays]

last week I was deep in the trenches ploughing through work and mid-afternoon realised I'd neglected to open the blinds and the room was a little dim, so I got up to do that and discovered that a car had flipped onto its roof directly outside my flat and the entire street was closed and flooded with emergency service while they dragged someone out of the vehicle and packed them into an ambulance. so now every time I open the blinds I'm a little like the dog with the ham sandwich bush. what the fuck could it be today.

[mildmayfoxe]

1) any stretching is better than no stretching

2) any vegetable is better than no vegetable

3) statistically you will never be the worst person at anything, there is always someone in the world who is worse at stuff than you are

[menelaiad]

just cried so hard at this that i actually nearly threw up

[assignedcomfortperson]

are we entering a new, "sleepy" kind of economy? girls who are sleepy may soon find themselves richer than kings

[cronenburger]

[charlesoberonn]

"The only way out is through" is a great phrase but I can't hear it without thinking "...the perfume department"