Hell if I know @spacecadettrainee - Tumblr Blog

i love my therapist but i hate being in therapy. 10 minutes before my appointment, i'm in a meeting with my boss - we discuss my artistic choices; my boss recommends i artistically choose less. 10 minutes after therapy, i wash my hair and think about everything that was said, and then i have to switch it off, like a lamp, and go back to work again.

i was on a walk the other day and someone had the perfect combination of his cologne and whatever-else. it was almost exactly his scent. i fucking hate that. after all these years, i remember that? i tell my therapist - i feel like a fucking wolf. try telling a middle-aged blonde lady. oh i scented him on the air. i'm 30, and i'm having a panic attack over something that would be a plotline in the omegaverse.

what they don't tell you about mental illness is that if you are lucky enough to survive it into adulthood; it becomes a weird slice of your life. because you do, eventually, have to build a life. i realized in a panic somewhere around 22 - oh. i don't know what i'm fucking doing, because i always assumed i'd just go ahead and die. i didn't die, and i'm grateful for that, and i'm very happy about that choice. but it does mean that i am an adult in an apartment, living with my conditions side-by-side like. oh, that's my roommate, adhd. ignore the glass, bytheway, that's ocd.

so you pick your stupid life up by the scruff of the neck and you're, like glad for it (so much laughter and light and friends you would have never thought possible, when you were in the worst of it). but it feels so strange to be dancing around these odd little microcosms, these patchwork moments of your symptoms. if you have a panic attack at night, you still need to wake up and walk the dog in the morning. if your depression is making everything boring, well, you don't have any sick days left, and a job's not really supposed to be that exciting anyway. your ocd tears out each individual leg hair, and then, an hour later, you sigh, patch up the bloody bits, and go get dinner with friends. and the life is kitten-quiet, mewling and pathetic, but it's also like - it's yours, so you're fond of it.

and it's like - you're real. so you still enjoy pushing the shopping cart really fast and then riding on the back of it down an empty aisle. and you're not, like, so sick anymore that when you accidentally drop a mug you burst into tears (except for the days you do that. which are bad). and no, you're not allowed around certain items anymore. oops! but you've learned to be good about brushing your teeth most days of the week. and you sometimes in the middle of the day you have a little freak-out about how fucking unfair it all is, how fucking hard, how other people can just do this without having to fucking hurt the whole time. and then you sigh and force yourself to sit down and fucking journal about it so you can tell the nice middle-aged blonde woman yeah i had a hard day but i practiced grounding. you still sometimes want to burst out of your own skin, but you force yourself to eat kind-of healthy and to take your vitamins. you let yourself chop off all your hair in the sink in a dramatic poetry of control and relief - and you also have developed good hobbies that help you move your body more frequently. you feel helplessly behind, lost in the shuffle - but you also practice gratitude, taking stock of what you have garnered. because you're trying. even if you're never gonna be normal, you have something... close enough.

and the little kitten of your life, this mangy, starlit tigercub, this thing you expected to rot so young: in your arms, it turns itself over, belly-up. exposing this new soft part, all the organs and guts. like it's saying i trust you now. you won't give me up.

inkskinned

i have chronic pain. i am neurodivergent. i understand - deeply - the allure of a "quick fix" like AI. i also just grew up in a different time. we have been warned about this.

15 entire years ago i heard about this. in my forensics class in high school, we watched a documentary about how AI-based "crime solving" software was inevitably biased against people of color.

my teacher stressed that AI is like a book: when someone writes it, some part of the author will remain within the result. the internet existed but not as loudly at that point - we didn't know that AI would be able to teach itself off already-biased Reddit threads. i googled it: yes, this bias is still happening. yes, it's just as bad if not worse.

i can't actually stop you. if you wanna use ChatGPT to slide through your classes, that's on you. it's your money and it's your time. you will spend none of it thinking, you will learn nothing, and, in college, you will piss away hundreds of thousands of dollars. you will stand at the podium having done nothing, accomplished nothing. a cold and bitter pyrrhic victory.

i'm not even sure students actually read the essays or summaries or emails they have ChatGPT pump out. i think it just flows over them and they use the first answer they get. my brother teaches engineering - he recently got fifty-three copies of almost-the-exact-same lab reports. no one had even changed the wording.

and yes: AI itself (as a concept and practice) isn't always evil. there's AI that can help detect cancer, for example. and yet: when i ask my students if they'd be okay with a doctor that learned from AI, many of them balk. it is one thing if they don't read their engineering textbook or if they don't write the critical-thinking essay. it's another when it starts to affect them. they know it's wrong for AI to broad-spectrum deny insurance claims, but they swear their use of AI is different.

there's a strange desire to sort of divorce real-world AI malpractice over "personal use". for example, is it moral to use AI to write your cover letters? cover letters are essentially only templates and besides, AI is going to be reading your job app, so isn't it kind of fair?

i recently found out that people use AI as a romantic or sexual partner. it seems like teenagers particularly enjoy this connection, and this is one of those "sticky" moments as a teacher. honestly - you can roast me for this - but if it was an actually-safe AI, i think teenagers exploring their sexuality with a fake partner is amazing. it prevents them from making permanent mistakes, it can teach them about their bodies and their desires, and it can help their confidence. but the problem is that it's not safe. there isn't a well-educated, sensitive AI specifically to help teens explore their hormones. it's just internet-fed cycle. who knows what they're learning. who knows what misinformation they're getting.

the most common pushback i get involves therapy. none of us have access to the therapist of our dreams - it's expensive, elusive, and involves an annoying amount of insurance claims. someone once asked me: are you going to be mad when AI saves someone's life?

therapists are not just trained on the book, they're trained on patient management and helping you see things you don't see yourself. part of it will involve discomfort. i don't know that AI is ever going to be able to analyze the words you feed it and answer with a mind towards the "whole person" writing those words. but also - if it keeps/kept you alive, i'm not a purist. i've done terrible things to myself when i was at rock bottom. in an emergency, we kind of forgive the seatbelt for leaving bruises. it's just that chat shouldn't be your only form of self-care and recovery.

and i worry that the influence chat has is expanding. more and more i see people use chat for the smallest, most easily-navigated situations. and i can't like, make you worry about that in your own life. i often think about how easy it was for social media to take over all my time - how i can't have a tiktok because i spend hours on it. i don't want that to happen with chat. i want to enjoy thinking. i want to enjoy writing. i want to be here. i've already really been struggling to put the phone down. this feels like another way to get you to pick the phone up.

the other day, i was frustrated by a book i was reading. it's far in the series and is about a character i resent. i googled if i had to read it, or if it was one of those "in between" books that don't actually affect the plot (you know, one of those ".5" books). someone said something that really stuck with me - theoretically you're reading this series for enjoyment, so while you don't actually have to read it, one would assume you want to read it.

i am watching a generation of people learn they don't have to read the thing in their hand. and it is kind of a strange sort of doom that comes over me: i read because it's genuinely fun. i learn because even though it's hard, it feels good. i try because it makes me happy to try. and i'm watching a generation of people all lay down and say: but i don't want to try.

helenvaughans

📢📢📢

thesefallenembers

the problem with reading and writing leading to a strong vocabulary is that you tend to know the vibe of words instead of their meanings.

if I used this word in a sentence, would it make sense? absolutely. if you asked me what it meant, could I tell you? absolutely not.

two-bees-poetry

soracities

"Absolutely no one comes to save us but us."

Ismatu Gwendolyn, "you've been traumatized into hating reading (and it makes you easier to oppress)", from Threadings, on Substack [ID'd]

paper-mario-wiki

HEY wanna read but annoyed on where to find copies of books?

Here's an archive with millions of PDFs of books and papers and magazines and essays and stuff.

briarpatch-kids

Have people heard of falling fruit? It's a map that marks off foraging locations that are accessible on public land.

It's global and crowdsourced and points you towards FREE FRUIT. (And herbs and nuts and things.) They have an app too but the app costs $2 and you can still pull up the map on your mobile browser for free.

A massive, collaborative map of the urban harvest uniting the efforts of foragers, freegans, and foresters around the world. Explore and sha

This is how I found those park cherries!

meluiloth

Since the whole thing with NaNoWriMo has gone down, I've noticed that one of their former sponsors, Ellipsus, has cut contact with NaNoWriMo because they do not support their stance on AI; I didn't know what Ellipsus was, but upon further research I've found that they are a writing platform that works a lot like Google Docs and Microsoft Word, only with a heavier leaning on the story-writing aspect and connecting with other writers - and they also completely denounce any use of AI, both in the writing process itself and in the use of their platform. I really appreciate that.

Since this is the case (and since I've noticed Google has begun implementing more AI into their software), I've decided to give Ellipsus a try to see if it's a good alternative to Google Docs (my main writing platform). It's completely free and so far, I've found it simple to use (although it is pretty minimal in its features), and I really like the look of it.

I figured I'd spread the word about this platform in case any of you writers would want to give it a try, and if you do, let me know how you like it!

inkskinned

i hate the "meta glasses" with their invisible cameras i hate when people record strangers just-living-their-lives i hate the culture of "it's not illegal so it's fine". people deserve to walk around the city without some nameless freak recording their faces and putting them up on the internet. like dude you don't show your own face how's that for irony huh.

i hate those "testing strangers to see if they're friendly and kind! kindness wins! kindness pays!" clickbait recordings where overwhelmingly it is young, attractive people (largely women) who are being scouted for views and free advertising . they're making you model for them and they reap the benefits. they profit now off of testing you while you fucking exist. i do not want to be fucking tested. i hate the commodification of "kindness" like dude just give random people the money, not because they fucking smiled for it. none of the people recording has any idea about the origin of the term "emotional labor" and none of us could get them to even think about it. i did not apply for this job! and you know what! i actually super am a nice person! i still don't want to be fucking recorded!

& it's so normalized that the comments are always so fucking ignorant like wow the brunette is so evil so mean so twisted just because she didn't smile at a random guy in an intersection. god forbid any person is in hiding due to an abusive situation. no, we need to see if they'll say good morning to a stranger approaching them. i am trying to walk towards my job i am not "unkind" just because i didn't notice your fucked up "social experiment". you fucking weirdo. stop doing this.

inkskinned

the other day we were talking about balance beams because you said that your family had one of those cool winch ones that wrap around trees to make a high wire. even though i was pretty good i had to quit gymnastics at 12 because we couldn't afford dance and gymnastics but. i had something-other.

and i got excited because i think it's a funny story. i didn't have a door for about 4 years. 13-17, or there about. i only got it back because i replaced it myself.

i think my dad took it off the hinges just because his very-macho friend david had said - i do this to punish my kids. and then about a week later it was down on the ground and then eventually rotting in a shed. i used to visit it on occasion and tilt it between two boxes so i could try to walk across the side of it. i have a scar on my foot from attempting the act of balance-beam fancy dancing. it's shaped like a crescent moon. a hinge sliced into my skin when the whole thing slipped out from underneath me.

and you looked at me and you said - what the fuck?

and i said, do you want to see? because i thought the thing you were replying to was the injury. i was already undoing my shoelaces.

you're supposed to have a door, you said slowly. you were a teenager. you - i've seen your house. you lived at the end of the hall.

i didn't understand the problem. so? i wriggled out of my shoe and then my sock.

so, you said it gently, which made me slow down. you said it in the way people tell me that i experienced something bad and i have no idea that it was supposed to be something-else instead. anyone coming down the stairs or in the hallway could see directly into your room. you were in a fishbowl for four years, am i understanding that correctly?

i stared at you, and then said the other things: well, it wasn't so bad. i just wore a towel and tucked myself into a corner to change. i could always just change in the bathroom. privacy didn't really exist for any of us. i wasn't allowed to decorate so it wasn't really my room anyway. i didn't have a lot of things growing up; so it's not like i minded having a semi-public space. my siblings left me alone if i needed them to. what's the big deal anyway.

this is accidentally what emotional vampires incorrectly label as a "trauma dump". this is accidentally how you learn that my house was actually unsafe. i don't even consider this a problem, because everything else was so much worse, in a way. i didn't know it was supposed to be different. at the time, i didn't know what privacy was. i just lied about most stuff and got good at hiding in public. i haven't ever lied about this because i didn't know it was supposed to be different. i am 31.

you looked pale and ready to throw up. you had a right to a door for your room. you were a kid. someone should have helped you.

i was busy examining the sole of my foot. the scar really does look like the moon.

crabussy

I'm so serious about being kind above all else. it has genuinely changed the way I interact with the world on a fundamental level and has made me so so much happier.

crabussy

the other day, someone said something quite nasty and I patiently and kindly explained to them why I didn't think that was an okay thing to say. I treated them like they were my friend. they apologised! we didn't start arguing, and they reconsidered their stance on the matter. this has happened SO MANY TIMES. this is not a one off experience. every single time I am kind to someone who chose to be mean, it startles them into being kind back to me.

crabussy

there are many many times where I thought someone was being abrasive, but I was kind to them anyway, and found out that they just didn't realise that what they were saying was hurtful. it starts a chain reaction and it will make you so much happier in life. please try it? try it just once! be kind to a cruel stranger. you might be surprised.

crabussy

also before this has the chance to get big. I swear to god if you willfully misinterpret my post I will EAT YOU. I am not saying "don't be mean to your abusers" I am not saying "be nice to nazis".

I just think kindness is a forgotten tool when it comes to changing minds. if you call someone an idiot and then make a great point, your point won't matter. because considering your point and agreeing with it ALSO means they have to agree that they're an idiot. and people don't like to feel stupid or like they're dumb for thinking something. use kindness to your advantage! make someone feel better while changing minds and inciting positive change. it's worth it

etz-ashashiyot

This is easier said than done and I am not perfect and also there are plenty of times I do this and people are still mean to me.

AND YET —

This is still excellent advice and a good reminder.

identitty-dickruption

sounds silly but. one of the greatest things ever as someone with a trauma background is learning that things aren't inherently as bad or as scary as I thought. it IS possible to assemble Ikea furniture without arguments. is IS possible to discuss boundaries without having something thrown at me for speaking out of turn. it IS possible to spend hours on end sharing your favourite things with your favourite people, and not get called annoying for it. the world is an incredible place

myfandomrealitea

I am actually begging some people to just let some spaces exist untouched by real-world issues and horrors.

Like I've lost count of the amount of times peaceful game or fandom servers have been ruined by people stampeding in with political rants, bitching about world issues, demanding internal activism, demanding vent channels so they can whine about their shitty parents, ect.

Like. Respectfully. Not every single space has to be inclusive of and welcoming of outside topics. The real world sucks. We don't needed to be reminded of that absolutely everywhere.

pro-anomalocaris

Psychologists have talked about this extensively. In order to repair the damage caused by the stressors of life, your brain needs to have down time in which it is not being stressed. It needs to be able to turn off sometimes and turn down during others. That's how your brain processes stress enough to regulate cortisol production and let you get through whatever it is without being on-edge the entire time, all of the time.

At some point we will, as a society, have to unlearn this idea that if you're ever caught not thinking about something serious, you must not give a shit about others. Your mind is not designed to constantly be stressed.

Your body also isn't, btw - prolonged stress without breaks is linked to all kinds of cardiac problems.

Not only will it not kill you to let the Pokemon Unite server or Naruto/Sasuke server just be about Pokemon Unite or NaruSasu, it would actually benefit you to do so.

If you won't let a place be peaceful for someone else's sake, at least do it for your own.

sammysdewysensitiveeyes

My "hot take" of the day is that "Don't you dare look away!" is the younger generation's version of "Finish your dinner, children are starving in (poor third-world country)."

I understand the sentiment, there are atrocities happening across the world, and it is horrible, and we all want to DO something about it. I don't think you are wrong to feel that way or to try to help however you can. But feeding yourself a constant diet of graphic images and descriptions of these atrocities and writhing around in agonized guilt and sadness and anger doesn't actually help the people who are suffering, any more than kids stuffing themselves to clean their plates puts food in the mouths of people who are starving. If you want to help then by all means find a some concrete way to do, but also step back. Making yourself miserable 24/7 because of the bad things happening in the world will not help anyone.

naamahdarling

I felt differently about this at one point, then started having climate/world events-related panic attacks and realized that the constant barrage of doomsaying and hopelessness was actually TREMENDOUSLY harmful to me psychologically. I realized I could be informed but not overwhelmed, that I could care and act according to that caring without constantly being reminded of every bad thing happening in every corner of the globe. Filtering what I see and engage with has not made things worse for the world, it only means I have somewhat fewer panic attacks now.

bettsfic

one of the best decisions i've ever made was to stop arguing.

i'd always been an arguer. i was defensive about everything and mindlessly contrary. it wasn't all my fault; i was (and still am) talked down to and patronized a lot, and when you live your life that way, you become kind of a raw nerve and dedicate a lot of energy to trying to prove yourself. someone even told me once, "it's just fun messing with you. you get so upset."

at 23, i was working in an environment where about a half dozen middle aged conservative men were always telling me what to do and explaining things to me. i either argued with them when they said heinous things or stewed about it for hours or even days. and so my new year's resolution one year was simply: no arguing.

it felt a little like defeat at first, like i was no longer standing up for what i believed in, even though no matter how right i was or how much proof i had for my claims, no one had ever been swayed by anything i told them. part of that was because they had no respect for me and didn't take me seriously; the other part was the simple truth that arguments are almost never productive. when someone says something and you immediately reply with, "you're wrong and here's why," a wall goes up and nothing can go over it.

i couldn't just let these men talk at me though, so i started asking questions. not leading questions, not with an intention to prove a point or walk them into a corner. i genuinely wanted to understand how they came to shape the opinions they held. i realized that understanding and agreeing are two different things, and just because i seek to understand doesn't mean i condone.

a truly fascinating thing happened: these men walked into corners all by themselves. it turns out nobody had ever actually tasked them with speaking their opinions aloud to a neutral audience. no one had ever been sincerely curious about them and their views. sure, their loved ones probably asked, "how are you doing?" all the time as a show of affection, but that's much different than, "what do you think?"

knowing what i know now, i think that's true of everyone. how many people ask you for your opinion and listen to what you have to say without speaking their opinion back to you? without judging you? how many people actively and intentionally try to understand you?

it's been over ten years since my resolution and i think i can count the arguments i've gotten into on one hand. one finger, even. it's amazing what happens when someone tries to rile you up, pick a fight with you, and your only response is, "can you elaborate on that?"

you can work someone into a very open and vulnerable state when you ask questions. they eventually run out of their usual talking points and move into the personal. when i do this, it's not like therapy; i'm not trying to help anyone. and it's not like teaching; i'm not trying to educate anyone. i just want to understand how people reach the conclusions they've come to. even after all these years of asking questions and not arguing, it still amazes me how few people in this world feel understood, and how easy it is to get them to open up when you say, "i want to know what you think."

furiousgoldfish

Abusers can often tell, that what gives them the power over another person is just them owning a piece of property, a house, financial and economic hold over this person. They know that the only thing that enables them to control a victim, to punish them and keep them unable to escape, is that the victim has no other house to go to, no other source of income, no other survival resources.

So they’re not going to sit still and watch as the victim attempts to gain friends, a job, resources, piece of property. They’re going to do all in their power to sabotage it, stop it, or have it work in their favour.

For example, if the victim is acquiring friends (whose houses could be later used as a refuge), the abuser will attempt to sabotage or break it, either by monopolizing the victim’s time, giving them chores and jobs and time-consuming activities they have to do, away from friends. Or by telling the victim, that they’re universally unlikable, that their friends are not real friends, that they’re secretly judging and consider the victim a burden in their life. They might also go the route of suddenly needing the victim’s all time, being jealous, sick, feeble, needy, anything to stop the victim from reaching out and forming connections with the world.

If it’s about the money, the abuser will either find a way to claim a part, or all of the victim’s new income, or they will try to get the victim to spend it, by withdrawing the money the victim would usually get for necessities. They might sabotage the job by causing new trauma which will keep the victim incapable of work, they might steal the money, break something so the victim would have to replace it, or, they will try to talk the victim into putting the money in a place where they won’t have access to it, like in a joint account, savings account, a gamble, an investment. They will make it sound like a smart thing to do; then, the victim can’t go anywhere as their money is out of reach. And once the money is within reach, the abuser will find a new joint venture for them to spend it on, so then again, the victim would end up spending the money on increasing the abuser’s property, rather than for buying their own. The abuser will convince the victim that doing otherwise, would be very stupid.

In order to escape the sabotaging abuser, the victim has to somehow organize savings, a new place to go, new social connections, new experience and income, practically overnight, or completely in secret. This is why it often feels hard or impossible, it’s not a matter of taking your stuff and physically getting out, they make sure you have nowhere to go. They make sure you’re either unaware, or too ashamed to go to a shelter, that you’re looking at homelessness if you turn your back on them, because they made sure you have no income, no access to resources or social connections.

And I’m not saying that the escape is impossible because I did it, and others have too; it might take years, it might take risks and secrecy and fighting with the abuser over and over again for the right to privacy, for the right to keep your own money somewhere they can’t reach it, sometimes it takes enduring violence, putting your life on the risk only for the escape. I’m saying you’re not guilty for having a hard time with it. It’s not happening because you’re incapable, or lazy, or don’t know how to get anywhere in life. It’s not because you’re bad at getting friends, or a job, or income. It’s not because of you. The abuser is actively standing in your way at the every step of it. But they won’t be able to do that forever. Nobody can keep another human being where they don’t want to be, forever.

lastjanuary

google drive of free korean language learning resources

hi everyone! because i put tutoring on hold while i am working full time but still want to provide help to those who want to start learning/want to practice their korean, i am continuously compiling material for free learning :)

resources are totally free!

most are typically aimed at children (which is great for beginners!!)

hangul practice

vocabulary building

printable/downloadable

example of scans:

example of grammar breakdowns:

i will be adding material over the coming weeks and continuously as i come across material! updates may be frequent or slow down at times.

note: resources are free, and they’re totally free to share and use! but please do not repost without credit, and because i buy these from my workplace with my own money and spend time scanning them and cleaning them up and organizing them, please consider tipping me as much as you’d like ♥️

here is the link to the drive! (sorry, can’t hyperlink on mobile currently)

Korean learning materials - Google Drive

enjoy, and thank you in advance! have fun and feel free to ask me any questions—i am a korean studies grad and was a tutor for the beginning korean classes at my university. i am happy to help however i can!

♥️ joey

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