lying is not good but I keep lying to everyone about how my college progress is going and how I don't actually believe I'll graduate this year, but I keep putting on a smile and vaguely responding with "ohhh hopefully this is my last year" and yes I AM MAKING A BIGGER DEAL THAN IT NEEDS TO BE, but it doesn't seem to matter how many times I hear, "college isn't for everyone", "everyone goes at their own pace", "every journey is different", I'm still here without signing up for classes and a login that isn't working and no clue what I even want to study or do with myself
the utter guilt and incompetence I feel when teenagers ask me questions about what Im taking, what I'm studying and how I picked things and I just give them the typical answer cause I want to seem helpful but the truth is, I'm not a success story and I don't think I'm trying to be, I'm typing out my issues on a social media app where I post about stupid anime and cartoon characters and then go back to being a quiet person with nothing happening in life
this is like, what, post 5, 6, about the same issue?
It's not even that I don't believe in college or higher education, to some level. I don't think it's the end all be all, but I don't think it's entirely pointless. But I'm the problem. ME. And maybe I'm fighting with God about it. Maybe I'm hurt that I don't feel smart or competent and I'm a huge procrastinator and I don't know what my solution is and I don't reading the Bible and being obedient is going to magically show me what I'm meant to be doing.
do I quit forever and try to find some job, even a bad one? do I take a break and then come back. I don't want to be compared, I don't want to find my calling or my "thing" when I'm 40. I'm sorry that sounds disrespectful or like I don't value people who do things later in life, but I ASSUME they were still PROACTIVE IN SOME WAY before they got where they were? ME? It's just church, house responsibilities, and family responsibilities and then classes. or it was before, if I don't hurry up and pick a schedule it will be too a mess cause I plan everything around specific times that are better.
in a world that is so "just do what makes you happy" I don't get that, it's bologne to me. I have people in my life constantly at odds at each other and I just don't want to be a loser, even though I feel like one already. People fighting about "all he does is play games and take his days off to play games." "she's always on the phone, she never cleans when she should." "he keeps putting it off." "so when are you going to learn how to drive?" "oh you need a real job that pays you well" "it's always the job first, but what about God, where do they put Him?"
breaking into tears and mentally screaming at everything is not a good way to help, I seriously doubt, but I don't look forward to anything. I feel like I'm one of those young people that belongs in a study about why the nation is failing and why no one knows how to do anything anymore.
I can't sit down and watch a show and be like "oh I love this! let me make something for this?"
UH, why don't you do something useful for a change? Fiction is fiction, this is REAL LIFE, GET IT TOGETHER.
then you have people juggling work and school and church or sometimes children and I'm here whining that I can't make it through the semester that has not started/
I don't dream guys. I don't have aspirations fr anything. I don't think about where I will travel next or if I'll get married or what new thing will I try. I don't see it.
I'm just fed up with it. with the Lord. Maybe He can't continue the next phase of the plan because I'm not maturing but I don't think we've been moving much for a good time now. the plan sucks and I can't even see it.
I was told in a prayer once "God is still processing you, because you will mark this generation." oh yeah. I really see that. because I'm been progressing sooo much
