I'm not even high, I don't understand what happened - but I sort of wrote a blurb for a Fantastic Beasts Parody, meant to pair with A Very Potter Musical, only it's mostly Grindeldore and pizza, and IT'S SO STUPID. I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE THIS.
A Very Fantastic Musical [Alternate working title: A Very Fantastic Pizza.]
Starts with summer 1899, big ol' number that suddenly ends with a somber imperative dance or something. Lights, pizazz, then young Albus flopped in some tragic Shakespearean pose - ends with a punchline of some kind.
Then it cuts to Hogwarts maybe, an echo-y reprisal as it reveals older Albus looking in the mirror, seeing all the summery pizazz, reflecting.
The blood pact is something stupid, like a pizza pendant, because Gellert and Albus both shared a love of pizza. On the fence about sausage euphemisms... Oh God. Then it turned out that Gellert was lactose intolerant all along, a heinous betrayal.
There's going to have to be a song about pizza, all wistful and morose eventually. Just know it.
Newt is still in school, and for some reason Jacob is there, because Albus was all - fuck it, here's a toy wand, just pretend.
I want Rumbleroar to be some wise counsel or something. Scarfy sorts Gellert as a sadistic fuck, and Albus is obviously as gay as the fourth of July, cause keeping with the Americanism and all that.
Then, I dunno, everyone splits off into teams, the goodies and the baddies, and Fawkes does something cool I guess.
I want Gellert to be all Shakespearean with unexpected profanities. He just crucio's everything. Even the chair, and someone yells it's not alive, it can't feel pain, and Gellert is all, anything can feel pain if you try hard enough! Crucio's his tie when he can't get it right, gets himself by accident. Adorable. Cut to Albus sobbing, no, Gellert, not the pizza!
OH MY GOD and Gellert can have a crystal ball, and sees Voldemort at some point, peers all close and shit, taps the glass because he isn't moving, like the screen is frozen, then Voldemort goes BOO! and does that insane cackle only Joe Walker can do, scaring the shit out of him. Ends up being like girl talk, but it's dark lord talk instead, then they heatedly argue about who's wand is bigger hahaha. Yeah well, *I* have a fortress! - And *I* become immortal, you swiiiine!
The running gag is figuring out when Albus's birthday is. He's Ron with food, only it's sweets, so he can do the Red Vines bit at least once. Constantly licking a lollipop, cause why not. A fucking rainbow of outfits, some are definitely sparkly, and he changes like every other scene. Maybe some split suits to save time lol.
Something about a pinky promise with the blood pact, and Gellert has a hissy fit and is all but everyone knows you can't go back on a pinky promise! And Albus is all, that was a long time ago, I'm a changed man, my pinkies have physiologically changed cells several times over, in fact-
Gellert grumbles and huffs and calls him a nerd or something, and is all what about our pizza? You promised we'd make it, together. Albus- YOU LIED TO ME GELLERT, YOU MADE ME BELIEVE *sobs* THAT YOU COULD DIGEST DAIRY. Gellert- It was never about eating it. It was making it, together - swirling the sauce across the soft dough, the sprinkling of infused herbs-
*Albus snaps out of his dazed dream, in which they swirl the imaginary sauce and breathe in the happy aroma of a promised pizza* I told myself I'd never touch another pizza...
This is totally when the wistful and morose pizza song occurs, with an echo of the pizazz in the background, and Gellert serenading Albus with a list of possible cheese blends.
Of course, Gellert's best argument is lactose free cheese, which makes Albus sob THAT'S NOT A FUCKING PIZZA AND YOU KNOW IT! This is just another of your sick experiments! You're twisted!
I'm howling at this, I can't - it's so fucking ridiculous.
I can't with this plot.
Bro - then Jacob makes them a pizza at the end.
Or sends them a kit at least, so they can make it together.
...I have more ideas for all the other characters too, and the casting and everything, and I'm so pissed and pleased with myself all at once. I have no fucking clue why it's pizza. I blame dinner. No hate to non dairy cheese!
