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CROSSHAIRS jackson! joel miller x javier peña

Part 3: Misfire

summary: In the aftermath of a violent patrol, Jackson goes on high alert. Javi and Joel both struggle to recover, and the pull between them strengthens. But exploring it would be a mistake… right?

non-smut tags: 18+ only MDNI. dual pov. more angst than the last chapter, but less murder. bi panic. jealousy. a whole lot of flirting. Dad Joel. canon-typical heteronormativity. internalized/externalized biphobia. mentions of canon-typical violence and cannibalism (not our boys!!). PTSD. Bullseye gets his carrots. smut tags: an indulgent amount of frantic jacking off (write the fic you want to read, they said). blowjob. straight sex/unprotected piv. exhibitionism/voyeurism. Javi’s got a big dick and a dirty inner monologue. words: 7.5k

andrea says: thank you @hanahleah for beta reading, you're completely wonderful ❤️. we are so back friends, and we've got our first Javi pov. thank you for your patience with the long wait for this update - these boys and their emotional problems gave me quite the headache. this is also doing double duty as my (late) submission for @time-for-my-weekly-spanking’s 2026 kinky challenge. My prompt is “javier peña + exhibitionism”. (I had a different fic in mind but crosshairs Javi just really wanted to do this.) congrats on your milestone my love, and thank you for brainstorming with me for this chapter! your insights are what broke me out of my writer's block, and I appreciate you so much. I'm so happy you organized this challenge and that fandom brought us together.

dividers by @/pixopix

masterlist | pt 2 | pt 4 | ao3 link

Javi woke up with a bolt of panic.

Another nightmare. The kind that always came for him.

Sweat clung to his skin, and the bedsheets knotted around him. His pulse still thundered with adrenaline.

In his dream, he’d had to kill the raiders all over again. He’d been back on the clifftop by Elk Mountain, sneaking up behind that woman. She’d turned once again at the very last second, right as he’d lined up his gun. She hadn’t been fast enough to do anything about it – hadn’t even screamed like she should’ve – but she’d had enough time to know what was coming.

Javi would never be able to forget her face, no matter how many others he’d seen just like it: her wide, terrified eyes, and the awful, upside-down U shape her mouth had made in the very last moment before he’d killed her.

The nightmares were always like this. He’d first started getting them back in Colombia, and they’d chased him for all the years since. Sometimes Javi felt like he was always in one, watching a long trail of bodies stretch out behind him; the only real impact he’d ever made on the world.

He shoved up to sit. The sheets fell away, and the winter cold found him. He tried to focus on the sting of it, on anything real. On Molly’s quiet breathing beside him. It wasn’t any good. His body still felt like it was screaming.

Fuck it. He needed a cigarette. It was stupid of him, since he was down to his last pack, and he wasn’t getting a top-up until next week. But he’d deal with the rationing later. He had to do something that felt good.

The pack on his nightstand was already half empty. He’d thought he had more, but he lit up anyway. Relief swept through him, and he took a long drag. It helped. But he could still see that woman’s panicked face. This night was shaping up to be a bad one.

This bedroom he was stuck in was doing nothing to help. Javi had been assigned to a knick-knack-filled cottage; exactly the kind of domestic place he’d spent his twenties and thirties avoiding. There was even a wedding photo on the wall across from his bed, and the groom wore a rancher-style cowboy hat, like half the guys back in Kingston had done.

Javi had been meaning to take the picture down, but redecorating this place would have felt like claiming it, and he knew better than to believe this was permanent. Then again, it was kind of fucked up, leaving the photo on the wall while he brought home stranger after stranger. The couple, whoever they were, would probably die all over again if they knew who was squatting in their house.

Javi took another drag. The frilly curtains didn’t reach all the way across his window, and a stripe of moonlight fell through the gap. It landed on the curve of Molly’s hip and reflected on the spill of red hair around her face.

Molly was a very pretty girl, but with the way she fucked, she didn’t have to be. Javi liked her a lot. He’d hunted her down as soon as he’d gotten back to Jackson, after he and Joel had debriefed Maria about Elk Mountain.

Javi’s cock twitched. Oh, come on. One thought of Joel, and he was sporting a semi. He’d been like this all evening, turned on in a ridiculous, whole-body way, and all thanks to Joel’s too-late-in-life gay awakening, or whatever the fuck had snapped and made him finally put his hands on Javi. Maybe Joel Miller was into edging. Maybe he got off on working his patrol partners up, grinding his monster cock against them, being two seconds away from jacking them off, and then going suddenly catatonic.

The ride back to Jackson had taken all day, and Joel had said all of five words the whole time. Most of those words had been grunts, and not the bedroom type of grunt. Dazed, Cro-Magnon-sounding ones. When they’d stopped to get back Glimmer, Joel had managed to dismount, line up his rifle, and take out the raider, all without so much as a muttered “got it”. He’d doggedly avoided looking at Javi. Bullseye too, for that matter. Apparently Joel was the kind of guy who could get too embarrassed to make eye contact with a horse. Bullseye was a particularly judgy horse, but Joel was still ridiculous, especially for being the guy half of Jackson was in love with.

Even Molly had a thing for Joel. She’d mentioned it to Javi a week or two ago, that she’d tried more than once to ask Joel out, but she thought he didn’t even know her name. Molly was probably right about that, but – and this was the part that Javi had told her – Joel really didn’t know what he was missing. The funny thing was, she and Joel would get along. Molly was a sweet girl. She was training to be a vet, and she knew all sorts of crap about handling stubborn personalities. Plus Javi knew she could take a big cock.

It was Joel’s hard-to-get status that had first made Javi want to fuck him. That, and the miserable scowl he always wore. Javi had better uses in mind for that mouth. But it was probably a bad idea to go after him, even now that Joel had been the one to start it.

People in Jackson treasured Joel. He was Tommy and Maria’s family, and Ellie’s entire world. He’d backed up the town’s whole electrical grid, and he was the one who went on runs to get whiskey for the Bison. Joel was the kind of guy who always delivered, even on things he hadn’t promised. He actually had something to do in the evenings besides get wasted at the Bison. He had roots here, and he mattered, and Javi was just… existing.

Javi didn’t know what it would be like, hooking up with a guy like Joel, and that was usually a sign he was getting himself into trouble. If he was smart, he’d let things cool off.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t curious. And it didn’t mean he’d stopped thinking about Joel’s body wrapped around his; about Joel’s sturdy chest, and the smell of gun smoke that clung to him. His mouth had felt so warm brushing behind Javi’s ear.

Javi’s cock pulsed in invitation. He wrapped a hand around his shaft and breathed in the last of his cigarette. Good thing he’d come just a few hours ago. He’d be able to draw this out.

Just as he was getting close, the sheets beside him rustled. The mattress shifted, and he heard Molly’s bleary voice.

“Javi?”

She propped herself up on an elbow to face him. Her breasts hung heavy, and her nipples pebbled in the cold.

Javi slowed his fist, but didn’t stop completely. He was too far gone for that now. Molly’s mouth twitched. She lowered the sheet, exposing his cock, and brushed her hand up the inside of his thigh.

“You could’ve just woken me up,” she said.

Heat spread out beneath Javi’s skin. Joel’s massive hand had touched him in this very same way. What Javi wouldn’t give to have felt Joel grab his cock. His stomach muscles spasmed, and he held back a whine. It was all he could do to pant out an answer.

“Roll over.”

Two words. At this rate, he was just as bad as Joel. Thank fuck that it was Molly here tonight, and not somebody who would’ve taken the chance to tease him. She obeyed at once, even reached for a pillow to prop beneath her hips.

“Good girl,” Javi muttered.

He positioned himself behind her, nudging her legs a little wider apart. Her pussy glistened for him. Javi spread her open with his thumb and forefinger, and his cock throbbed sharply. His cum was still leaking out of her. The way he’d stretched her out earlier, she was probably still ready to go, and Javi couldn’t stand to wait another moment.

He notched his cock at her entrance, grabbed ahold of her hips, and tugged her back as he snapped his hips forward. Her soft heat surrounded him, and a knot in his stomach loosened.

Molly moaned into the mattress. Javi splayed a hand on the small of her back and fucked into her, hard as he needed. This wouldn’t be enough to make the dreams go away, but for a while, he could chase a good feeling.

Joel felt like shit. He’d slept like a dead man all last night, but he could’ve used another eight hours. He’d tweaked something in his back climbing up that cliff, and his broken finger hurt more than he cared to admit. Even getting dressed felt like an ordeal, since his saddle-sore thighs complained whenever he bent over. And on top of all that, his sex drive was back. It made him ache all over with dissatisfaction. What godawful timing.

He hadn’t been with anybody since he’d lost Tess, and on some level he’d decided he was done after that. It wasn’t a deliberate thing. The thought of sleeping with somebody new had just made him sad, and he’d been caught up in trying to survive for a while. By the time he’d settled in Jackson, he’d sort of forgotten what it was like to be turned on.

Not that he was blind. He stole the occasional glance at the bossy woman on the construction crew, especially when she was bending over. He’d found a stack of playboys in the upstairs closet, and he got off to them on nights he couldn’t sleep. But it all felt mechanical. It was nothing like the rush of having someone in his arms. Joel hadn’t realized how badly he’d missed it until he’d been pressed up against Javi.

He’d spun out at first about that moment on the ridgeline, but now that he’d slept, he had a pretty good handle on what had happened. The whole thing hadn’t even been about Javi. Joel had just gotten so touch-starved that he’d reacted as soon as somebody got close to him, regardless of who that somebody was. He didn’t even like men like that. His system had misfired. It was humiliating as hell, but he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it.

Hopefully Javi wouldn’t either. Joel just wished this would’ve happened with anyone else. He already felt strange about Javi, and he’d actually been starting to like the guy.

At least he had a few days to let himself cool off. He and Javi were benched from patrols while they recovered. Today all Joel had to do was oversee construction. He’d be all the way down by the south end of the wall, and with any luck he wouldn’t even see Javi.

Joel wrestled on a shirt and forced himself to hobble downstairs. His muscles would only get stiffer if he didn’t start moving.

It was a sign of how run-down he was that Ellie had gotten up before him. She was already dressed, laying across the couch with her headphones in while she scribbled at her notepad. She raised her eyebrows at Joel as he shuffled toward the kitchen.

“Holy shit, man.”

Joel didn’t dignify that with a response, but he was glad that she was talking. She’d been a little quiet when he’d gotten back last night, and he thought he might’ve worried her, being gone for so long.

Maybe they could do something fun together today. Ellie had been busy with her friends, and Joel hadn’t seen much of her lately. He’d get something in his stomach, and then they could make a plan. After a day of eating only stolen ration bars, he needed something solid.

Joel wasn’t a great cook, but he tried to keep the kitchen stocked with basics - oatmeal, bread, milk, and instant coffee. Not enough coffee that he could have some every day, but it got him out of bed on the bad ones, even if it was the kind that tasted like battery acid. He spooned some into his thermos and put on a pot to boil, heating up enough water for oatmeal, too.

Maybe he’d treat himself this morning. He had a tiny packet of cinnamon, and there was a bag of brown sugar in the topmost cabinet. He’d traded for it a while back and made sure to hide it someplace Ellie wouldn’t see it. It would be a nice surprise for her, if she hadn’t eaten already.

“You hungry?” he called.

Ellie didn’t respond. Goddamn headphones. Joel had told her a hundred times to watch the volume on them. At this rate, she was going to make herself just as deaf as he was.

He had to go back out into the living room to get her attention, and even then she only unplugged reluctantly.

“What?” she asked. She kept looking down at whatever she was sketching.

“You hungry?” Joel repeated. “I’m gonna make oatmeal.”

“Oh,” Ellie said. “We’re out.”

“Already?”

The canister had been full two days ago.

Ellie shrugged. “I found some sugar in the cupboard, so I used the oatmeal to make cookies. Traded them for a few of Kat’s mixed tapes.”

Fucking hell. Joel would have to go all the way to the mess hall for breakfast now.

“I told you to top something up if you use the last of it,” he said.

“Okay,” Ellie muttered.

Joel felt a spike of frustration, but he tried not to let it get the best of him. It wouldn’t be fair to take his bad mood out on Ellie.

He got to work putting on his boots, ignoring a complaint from his thighs when he leaned down.

“Well,” he said. “If we’ve gotta go to the mess hall anyway, what do you say we pick up some kitchen scraps and bring them to the stables? Bullseye had a rough day yesterday. I figure we can go and spoil him. You can bring all those raisins you always pick out of your trail mix.”

He expected Ellie to jump at this, but she only stared at her notepad.

“Um,” she said. “No thanks. I have a KP shift after breakfast.”

“We can wait to go later,” Joel offered.

Ellie just shrugged.

“Is something up?” Joel asked. “You’ve been kinda quiet since I got back last night. If you’re worried about the raiders, they’re still a few days out from Jackson.”

Ellie looked at him sideways.

“I’m not scared.”

“Yeah,” Joel backpedaled. “No. ‘Course not. I just figured – ”

Ellie sat up and put her notebook aside. “Why’d you lie to me about Elk Mountain?”

Joel’s stomach lurched at the accusation in her voice. Had he lied? He didn’t think so. But if he was being honest, it felt like he’d left for the scouting mission a lifetime ago.

“I told you I was going on a nighttime patrol, didn’t I?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said. “But you left out the part about going after raiders.”

“It was complicated,” Joel said. “I didn’t expect to be gone for so long.”

It was the wrong thing to say. He felt like he screwed up with Ellie more and more lately. Her chin jutted out, and anger crept into her voice.

“So if you’d come back earlier, you never would have told me about the raiders?”

“No,” Joel said. She was getting him all spun around. “I would’ve told you. ‘Course I would’ve.”

“When?” Ellie asked.

Joel hadn’t really thought that far ahead. If yesterday had gone a little better, there would’ve been nothing left to tell.

Ellie’s face darkened. “Got it. Never. Fuck you, Joel.”

Joel’s patience snapped. “Hey now. Maybe I didn’t tell you every detail about the raiders, but it was only because I didn’t see the point in worrying you. There was nothing you could’ve done about Elk Mountain.”

“Yes there was!” Ellie said. “Tommy put Kat and Jesse to work organizing the wall guard. I could’ve been up there with them, actually preparing to fight, if you weren’t so obsessed with babying me.”

Joel groaned internally. So that’s what this was really about. Ellie was pissed that she’d missed a chance to look cool in front of the guy she liked. Joel liked Jesse well enough, and it was nice to see Ellie making friends, but Jesse and Kat were older than she was, and she had to remember that.

“I don’t know what they told you,” he said. “But Kat and Jesse ain’t fighting.”

“They’re patrolling, though. And you’re training them. Like you should be training me.”

“You ain’t ready for that.”

“Yes I am!”

“You’re not,” Joel snapped. “You can’t even handle replacing the oatmeal, Ellie, and you think you should be making life-or-death decisions?”

Ellie’s face went flat, and Joel felt a pang of regret. He knew he shouldn’t stoop to her level, but it drove him crazy sometimes, the way she couldn’t just appreciate the life he was giving her.

“Look,” Joel said. “I’m sorry you didn’t hear about Elk Mountain from me, alright? But you shouldn’t have to deal with all this. You’re still just a kid.”

“I’m not,” Ellie insisted. “I’m almost seventeen, Joel. If I’d stayed in FEDRA school, I’d already have graduated by now.”

Joel thought instantly of the deserters. All four of them had been Ellie’s age or younger. This world would chew her up if he gave it the chance.

“Well I’m sorry I can’t live up to FEDRA’s high standards,” Joel said. “But you’re too young for all this, and that’s that.”

“I was old enough to fight when we were on the road.”

“I hated putting you in danger then,” Joel said. “I’m not doing that again, now that I have a choice about it.”

“It’s my choice,” Ellie said. “Not yours.”

“No it ain’t,” Joel said. “You’re my responsibility.”

“Well, I’m sick of being your responsibility.”

Joel flinched.

She doesn’t mean it. She’s just afraid.

Silence stretched between them. When Joel didn’t respond, Ellie’s brows pulled together.

Everything Joel could think to say right now would just make things worse. The truth was, Ellie could yell all she wanted. Joel wasn’t ever going to apologize for keeping her safe. But he knew that was what she wanted right now.

Maybe the both of them just needed to cool off.

“We’re done talking about this,” Joel said. He pulled on his coat. His heart thudded uncomfortably fast, but he tried to keep his voice steady. “Let’s go get breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry,” Ellie muttered.

“Don’t be stupid. You’ve gotta eat something.”

“I think I know better than you if I’m hungry or not.”

“Fine,” Joel snapped.

Ellie was impossible when she got like this. If she really didn’t want to eat, he wasn’t going to make her.

He tried to say goodbye when he got to the door, but Ellie had already shoved her headphones back in. She didn’t even look up from her notebook.

Joel left without a word. He was halfway down the walk when he realized he’d forgotten to make his coffee.

Joel stewed over the fight the whole way to breakfast. Ellie just didn’t realize how good she had it. If she really knew what being an adult was like in this world, she wouldn’t be in such a hurry to get there.

The mess hall was all the way across town, and Joel’s legs had limbered up by the time he pushed open the door. The room blazed with heat, and it smelled like bacon. He’d shown up right in the middle of breakfast. Conversations layered on top of each other, and a pack of kids ran underfoot.

Joel worked enough shifts that he could get three meals a day here if he wanted, but he traded a lot of them away. He knew he wasn’t really a part of Jackson’s community. Most people just put up with him because he was Tommy’s brother.

But he had to admit that the food was good. The buffet was loaded up with rashers of bacon, and there was a tray of golden french toast, with a tub of fresh butter beside it. There was even real maple syrup, and a big bowl of dried apple slices.

Joel loaded up a tray with a bit of everything. They didn’t have coffee in the mess, so he made do with a cup of black tea. It wasn’t his favorite, but it was better than nothing.

Most of the tables were full by now, but he caught sight of Tommy waving from the corner. He was sitting with Maria and somebody else at a half-empty table.

Joel claimed an open patch of bench.

“Morning,” Tommy said. He reached out to snag one of Joel’s dried apples.

Joel swatted his hand away. “Morning,” he grunted.

He nodded to Maria and turned to greet the other guy at the table.

Fucking hell. It was that councilman. Nathan. The one who’d given Javi the hickey. This morning was getting to be almost as bad as the one before.

Nathan grinned at Joel, revealing perfectly straight teeth. “You’re up early.”

Joel wasn’t up any earlier than usual, but he wasn’t about to explain to this dumbass that he had better things to do than trek across town for breakfast every day. He took a sip of his tea so he wouldn’t have to answer, and immediately burned his tongue.

When it became clear that Joel had no plans to make small talk, the conversation moved on without him. The three of them were bickering about city business, mostly about rationing Jackson’s electric grid. The council’s temporary plan to handle the raiders was pretty much “wait and see”, and it included keeping the security lights on their highest setting. All the extra power had to come from somewhere.

The obvious choice was the town’s water heaters, and it seemed like Maria had already figured out as much. The heaters were the biggest drain on the grid, and people could still keep them on during the day. Joel didn’t see what the big deal was. So long as everyone had been properly maintaining their insulation, their water would stay hot overnight.

But Nathan was putting up a fuss about it, saying hot water was important for morale. Like morale mattered for shit if the security lights failed. Joel couldn’t believe how out of touch this guy was. He probably hadn’t done a lick of maintenance on his heater, but he’d found the time to streak highlights into his mop of blonde hair.

He was a lot like Joel’s worst clients from before the outbreak: the ones who could never accept that construction took the time it took, who always found a reason to blame Joel for the realities of the world. Joel couldn’t imagine what Javi and this guy had in common.

At least Maria was winning the argument. Nathan was well into the process of tucking his tail between his legs. Joel took a bite of french toast, feeling a wash of satisfaction that he couldn’t entirely attribute to the food.

That was right about when Javi landed on the bench beside him.

Joel’s stomach flipped over. Javi’s hair was damp, and he smelled strongly of soap, like the grainy handmade bar that all of Jackson used. Everyone got it from the ponytail-wearing guy who ran the herb garden. Joel usually didn’t love how hippieish it smelled, but he recognized it now as the scent of Javi’s skin, laced in with sweat and Marlboro smoke, and the memory of it made his pulse race.

There was a chorus of “good mornings” from Tommy and Maria. Nathan’s posture went fluid, and he shot Javi a grin that turned Joel’s french toast bitter.

Joel didn’t need to watch this. He focused on his plate. He still didn’t really know how to act around Javi, and he was painfully aware of how charged he felt after yesterday. With the way Javi was sitting, he and Joel were shoulder-to-shoulder, and heat radiated in the pocket of air between their bodies. Beneath the table, one of them moved, and their thighs brushed together.

With a jolt, Joel realized it had been him. He twitched his leg back where it belonged. He was definitely acting strange. At this point he’d been staring at a crust of french toast for a good thirty seconds. He’d take one more breath, then return to the conversation.

It’s just a misfire. You’ve got bigger problems than this.

Javi was already looking at Joel. Up close, he seemed as tired as Joel felt. He’d replaced Joel’s makeshift bandage with a smaller, stick-on one, and a sickly-looking bruise crept down from his hairline. His eyes were puffy, and fine lines stood out in the corners of them. They made him look distractingly human.

“Hey,” Joel managed.

Javi grinned. “Morning, Joel.”

Their legs found each other again. Joel was almost certain he hadn’t been the one to instigate it this time.

“How’s your head?” he asked.

“Intact,” Javi said. “A friend of mine confirmed I don’t have a concussion, but that’s based on a book for veterinarians.”

“You’re up early today,” Nathan said. “I thought you might sleep in after yesterday.”

This guy was officially the most boring person Joel had ever met.

Javi shrugged. “After yesterday, I need breakfast more than sleep. Joel only packed food for the horses.”

Tommy barked out a laugh. Joel snorted. Javi was technically right, but in truth they’d left so quickly that they’d both forgotten to bring rations.

“That’s one way to put it,” Joel muttered.

“How would you put it, then?” Javi asked.

“You’ve got a head wound,” Joel said. “Your memory can’t be trusted.”

Javi lifted an eyebrow. “Any of it?”

His boot nudged Joel’s beneath the table, and he looked like he was trying very hard not to grin. Joel’s chest felt hot. He had nothing even resembling a response to this, but Tommy and Maria were watching, not to mention Nathan, and the longer he paused, the more it would seem like Javi was getting at something.

Joel turned away and took a swallow of his awful tea.

“Dunno,” he said. “Head injuries are tricky. You should make sure to get a lot of rest.”

There was a stretch of silence.

“Right, then,” Nathan said.

He brought the conversation back to the problems with the grid. Joel polished off the last of his breakfast, unable to shake the feeling that there was a spotlight on him, even once Javi stopped looking his way.

The argument about the water heaters started up again. Joel was just about ready to leave when Nathan called Javi into the conversation.

“You get it, right?” he said. “We work so hard to make Jackson feel civilized. Taking ice-cold showers in the middle of January is the opposite of civilized.”

Javi went still. He looked around the table. For a confusing second, Joel thought he was going to take Nathan’s side.

“You guys have hot showers?” Javi asked.

“You don’t?” Tommy asked.

Javi shook his head. “I was impressed enough that the water runs.”

Maria frowned. “You’re set up in Dovetail Cottage, right?”

“I am. But if somewhere with a heater is open, I can move.”

“No need for that,” Maria said. “All the houses we’ve opened have water heaters. Yours is probably just broken. We can add it to the maintenance crew’s task list.”

Javi nodded in thanks, but Joel knew what he was thinking. The maintenance crew was only three people. It would probably be weeks before they got to Javi’s heater.

Nathan put a sympathetic hand on Javi’s arm. “If you want, you can shower at my place in the meantime.”

Joel’s stomach jolted.

“I reckon I can fix it,” he blurted.

Javi’s eyes met his. “Could you?”

Joel swallowed. “Depending on what’s wrong with it.”

“Oh, yeah,” Nathan said. “You were a laborer before the outbreak, right?”

“Contractor,” Tommy corrected.

Joel nodded on principle, but water heater repair hadn’t been a part of his job. He’d only learned to do it because the one he’d had back in Texas was always breaking. The repairman had never been able to come before Sarah had to leave for school, and she’d been a monster when she had to take cold showers. The memory settled heavy in his chest.

“I can come by after breakfast,” he offered. “Uh. If you want. Got an hour or so before I have to be at my shift.”

Javi frowned. “I have KP after breakfast. Tomorrow?”

Joel couldn’t believe Javi was still doing KP shifts. The kid he’d subbed in for had to be better by now.

“Tomorrow’s good,” he said.

Javi grinned. “Good. I’ll have to find something to trade you for this.”

It was a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but with Javi’s thigh sliding against Joel’s beneath the table, it didn’t feel that way. Fucking hell. If this was what Javi was like on cold showers, maybe Joel was better off not fixing his heater.

“We’ll figure something out,” he muttered.

Javi’s grin widened. “How about I give you one of my drink tickets at the Tipsy Bison tonight? As a down payment.”

No way in hell Joel was doing that. He was spared having to answer when Tommy and Maria stood up to clear their plates.

“Gotta head to patrol,” Tommy explained. He leaned over to clap Joel on the shoulder. “I’ll see you at the Bison tonight, alright?”

Joel had no intention of going to the Tipsy Bison. He had plenty of drink tickets already. By the time he got through with his construction shift, it was already nighttime. He’d only been on foreman duty today, but he was still bone-tired, and he wanted to make things right with Ellie before he went to sleep.

He swung by the vegetable garden on his way home and traded for a handful of carrots. Maybe Ellie would want to spoil Bullseye after all. Eventually her soft spot for the horses had to win out.

But when Joel got home, the house was quiet. Ellie’s shoes and coat were gone. She’d probably run off with Kat and Jesse and them.

For all Joel wanted to rest, the house felt too empty. He lit a fire to fill the room and leaned back on the couch. It should have been relaxing, but he just felt like he was waiting to pounce on Ellie when she got home.

And it was more than that, too. It was the feeling that had stirred back to life inside him, that animal need to be close to somebody. Joel had already decided not to worry about the fact that Javi had triggered it, but maybe there was some truth to the feeling itself. Maybe he’d be better off getting out of the house. He could go see Bullseye at least. If Ellie changed her mind, they’d just go again tomorrow.

And maybe he’d wash up before going to the stables. He was covered in grit from the worksite. Bullseye wouldn’t care, but Joel rinsed off anyway. He toweled off, pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, then laid out his clean shirts on the bed.

Green flannel button-up. Gray flannel button-up. Denim shirt, also a button-up. Joel considered the options, feeling strangely hot with embarrassment. He didn’t know why he cared. He’d be just as much of an old man whichever one he wore. This whole thing was foolish. He shrugged on the green shirt. It was the warmest, and it could get chilly at night in the stables. He considered trimming his beard, but felt immediately stupid.

He tugged on his boots, bundled himself up, pocketed the carrots, and set out across town. With the bright security lights on, Jackson felt more awake than usual. People passed Joel in twos and threes, spiraling home from the center of town.

The stable door was unlocked, and a few nickers sounded when Joel swung it open. It took his eyes a few seconds to adjust to the relative darkness. Glimmer was asleep, but Bullseye stood in his oversized stall. His ears leapt forward when he caught sight of Joel, and he leaned over the stall door to nuzzle the side of Joel’s face.

“Hey, boy,” Joel murmured. “Easy.”

Bullseye ignored him and began to snuffle down toward his pocket. Joel felt a twinge in his chest. After what he and Javi had asked of Bullseye yesterday, Joel wasn’t sure he deserved the loyalty. Then again, Bullseye was probably just loyal to carrots.

They disappeared out of Joel’s hand in thirty seconds flat, and Bullseye went back to nosing at Joel’s pocket. .

“Another time,” Joel promised.

He stroked Bullseye’s muzzle. Maybe he’d take a second and brush him down.

When Joel left the stables, he’d have to either take a right to go home, or a left to head to the Bison. He dawdled as long as he could, but he had to face the fact that he wanted to turn left. It wasn’t that he wanted to accept Javi’s drink offer exactly. He just wanted to know what would happen if he did.

It was around the time of night when the Tipsy Bison began to empty, but the bar was still crowded when Joel stepped inside. A few people sent drunken glances in his direction, and a flushed-looking Tommy waved from the corner booth. Joel felt like the whole pub was staring at him. He snuck a look at Javi’s usual barstool. It was empty.

But Javi wasn’t in Tommy’s booth either. It was only Tommy and Maria. Joel wanted to know if it had just been them all night, but he didn’t want to ask the question. He asked about their patrol instead.

“It was quiet,” Maria said. “But there’s still smoke rising from the truck stop. So the raiders you fought weren’t the last.”

Joel had expected as much. He doubted the remaining deserters would come to town now, with the floodlights on like they were, but they’d probably attack at some point. And even if they didn’t, they’d have to be dealt with before the snow melted, now that they knew Jackson was here.

“Nathan was sayin’ he thought they might starve,” Tommy said. “But…”

“But they don’t have to anymore,” Joel finished.

It was an ugly thought, but if the deserters found the bodies of the scouts – and they probably already had – they’d be able to eat until spring.

Maria tipped her head in agreement. Joel needed a drink.

“Nathan was here?” he asked. He felt unbearably conspicuous, but Tommy only bobbed his head.

“Javi, too. But they disappeared a while ago.” A grin spread over his face. “You see that hickey on Javi’s neck?”

“Uh, yeah,” Joel said.

“I kinda think he and Nathan might be a thing,” Tommy said. “I guess that’s what happens when you’ve slept with every woman in town.”

A pit was opening up in Joel’s stomach. It wasn’t until now that he realized he’d been assuming the feeling he’d had since the ridgeline was symmetrical; that Javi was just as affected as he was. That he’d actually cared about getting Joel that drink. Joel had been worried about Javi reading too much into things, but it was painfully obvious now that it was the other way around. Only somebody as touch starved as Joel would care about what basically amounted to a hug. Yesterday hadn’t even been a blip on Javi’s radar.

Which was good. Joel was off the hook.

“I’m gonna grab a drink,” he mumbled.

But he didn’t want to fight his way to the bar just now. He wound around the edge of the room instead and ducked into the musty hallway that led to the stockroom. He came here whenever he returned from a liquor run, and it felt almost as familiar as the bar itself. It was cramped with crates of overflow, and most of those had collected dust, but at least Joel knew nobody was watching him back here. He just needed a second to get his head on straight.

Somebody had left the stockroom light on. It shone through the half-open door. It probably wasn’t terrible for the grid, but Jackson only had so many lightbulbs. Joel might as well flip it off while he was back here.

Just as he was reaching the door, he heard a low moan. His heart froze. On some level, he knew what he was about to see. But the realization dawned too slowly, and by the time it hit him that he ought to walk away, he’d already laid eyes on Javi.

He leaned against the far wall of the stockroom, his dark hair rumpled and his face gone slack. His eyes were closed, and his shirt was half-unbuttoned, exposing a long triangle of his bare chest. The sight of it made Joel feverishly dissatisfied, as though he’d worked all day in the hot sun and could now only drink a mouthful of water.

Sweat glittered on Javi’s neck. He’d unbuckled his belt and undone his pants, and Joel could see a vee of skin that wasn’t his to look at, and a trail of soft brown hair that disappeared behind Nathan’s head. Nathan knelt on the ground before Javi, and the moans were coming from him. He moaned again as Joel watched, and this time the sound came out muffled. Javi had one loose hand tangled in Nathan’s hair, and it trailed along lazily as Nathan bobbed his head.

Joel felt as if a large animal was trying to crawl out of his chest. He didn’t need to see this. He didn’t need to know that Javi was a mouthful, and he didn’t want to watch for the base of Javi’s shaft to come into view, slick with spit and thicker than he’d expected, before Nathan lowered his mouth once again.

Nathan’s hand crept up the front of Javi’s thigh, and his fingers hooked in Javi’s waistband. Joel felt like he was going to be sick. He wanted Nathan to stop. But he also wanted Nathan to keep going, to push up the hem of Javi’s shirt and show the taut, heaving muscle that Joel had felt only yesterday. Nathan wasn’t even touching Javi with both hands – he had one braced on a crate – and it made Joel’s pulse throb. He couldn’t understand why Nathan was choosing not to run his palm over the swell of Javi’s thigh, or better yet, Javi’s ass, where he could pull Javi deeper into his mouth.

Joel wanted to leave. That was what he wanted. He knew he did, that he had no stake here, and it wasn’t any of his business if Javi’s mouth parted, or Javi’s head tipped back, or if his eyes opened.

Oh, fuck. A drumbeat of panic rose up in Joel’s chest. His eyes locked with Javi’s.

Javi’s eyes widened. His chest rose and fell, and his hips spasmed forward. His features pulled into something like desperation.

Heat rolled through Joel’s body. He held Javi’s eyes, seized by a sudden certainty that Javi wanted him here, and braced himself on the doorframe. And then, acting from some honest urge that welled up in his chest, he gave Javi a nod.

Go on.

Javi shuddered, and his chest rippled. Joel stared at the place where it disappeared beneath Javi’s shirt, and Javi brought a hand up to work the remaining buttons loose. Joel felt dizzy with power, or maybe from his blood all rushing south, surging into his already-stiff erection.

Javi’s shirt fell open, and Joel’s mouth went dry. He shouldn’t be seeing this. He shouldn’t know about Javi’s golden skin, and his tight, dark nipples, and definitely not about that waist of his, so unbearably narrow that Joel wanted to grab ahold of it. Javi’s stomach was lithe with strength, in a way Joel knew came from life on the road, and a thick scar puckered on his ribs. Joel had an urge to run his hand over it, or maybe his mouth. He’d be able to make it better. His erection throbbed in agreement, straining painfully against his zipper. He reached down to adjust it, and Javi groaned.

“Fuck,” Javi breathed.

His hand tightened in Nathan’s hair, and he rolled his hips, fucking himself deeper into Nathan’s mouth. Nathan moaned, and Joel remembered he was there.

Javi’s stomach began to shake. Nathan’s head bobbed frantically.

It occurred to Joel for the hundredth time that this wasn’t his business, but now the thought came tinged with panic – Nathan would be free to turn around at any moment. Whatever instinct had been tethering Joel in place snapped all at once.

He bolted. He left through the back door of the Bison, not bothering to say goodbye to Tommy and Maria – he was probably incapable of it right now – and Jackson fell away behind him in a crunch of rapid footfalls. Maybe Joel had lost his mind, but he didn’t want to find it just yet.

His house was still empty. He hauled himself up the stairs and locked the door to his room. He didn’t take off his coat, or even his boots, before he freed himself from his pants. His dick sprang free, throbbing and hot, already sticky at the head.

Joel braced one hand on the door, wrapped the other around his shaft, and began to work himself with fast, tight strokes.

Oh, fuck, that was good. He was so goddamn close already.

And he was really fucked, wasn’t he, because there was no explaining this away. He’d gotten this way because of goddamn Javier Peña, and he hated it, because Javi already had everyone in Jackson, and Joel refused to be the next person falling in line for him.

For fuck’s sake, Joel didn’t even like men. Not like that, anyway.

He got a feeling sometimes, sure. The feeling all guys had. A sort of appreciation for one another. But a feeling meant nothing.

And okay, there was that one time, almost forty years ago now. One night in the parking lot of a bar that didn’t exist anymore, with a college guy who'd put his hands on Joel before they'd even made it to the truck.

His eyes had been bright blue. Kool-Aid blue, Joel remembered thinking, in the moment before their mouths had collided.

To stay out of sight of the windows, they’d tilted the passenger seat all the way back. The guy had turned the stereo up to blasting, some guitar-heavy album by Mötley Crüe. The whole cab had thrummed with it, and Joel had felt like he was spinning, licking at the other boy’s tongue and tasting sweet cherry Jell-O shots, while the both of them fumbled to open Joel’s zipper.

Joel’s dick throbbed. He grunted softly and squeezed his fist, working himself faster. Heat surged low in his stomach.

The guy’s mouth had been so warm. Joel had hardly lasted a minute inside it.

But it was only one blowjob, a lifetime ago. Joel barely even remembered it anymore. And it hadn’t felt the same as it did with women. That was how Joel knew that he was straight, that he always had been.

But even if he wasn’t, then that guy was his type. Clean-shaven, football player, square jaw. The kind of guy who would only have eyes for Joel.

Joel’s type definitely wasn’t Javi. Joel could never be into someone like that, someone who only saw him as entertainment.

Joel’s body shook with frustration, and it occurred to him that this whole thing was all Javi’s fault. Javi was the one who’d moved first on Elk Mountain. He’d practically rubbed up on Joel at breakfast, and now it was twice he’d acted in that stupid, needy way, like he’d lose it if he didn’t have more of Joel.

But Joel would be a dumbass if he read something into it. He couldn’t let himself fixate on the silvery way Javi’s voice spread out in his chest, and he wasn’t going to think about what it would feel like to kiss his way down the groove of Javi’s stomach. It would be better to forget Javi’s frantic groan, even if Joel wished he’d torn Nathan away from Javi and wrapped his own fist around Javi’s slick cock, and then he would’ve made Javi beg –

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Joel had just enough time to yank a t-shirt from his bed. Need bolted through him, and he came in a long, dizzying wave.

He staggered to the bed and gasped back his breath. An emotion swelled inside him, and it wasn’t a good one.

Joel couldn’t do this. He couldn’t be attracted to Javi, and he sure as hell couldn’t act on it.

And not only because the thought of someone finding out made him want to crawl out of his skin. Because Javi wasn’t the kind of person you went all-in with, and Joel had never in his life done something halfway.

He had to draw the line, and he had to do it soon. Under no circumstances could he hook up with Javier Peña.

part four - coming soon

If you enjoyed the fic, hearing your thoughts makes my day! 💖 I lowkey thought nobody would want to read this story, and it's encouragement from readers that's inspired me to continue it. Thank you so much.

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