TW: Covid-19 thoughts, personal rant
I guess I’ve been too placent for some people in the wake of the coronavirus. Do you know how many people have reached out to me, warning ME that I’M a huge risk and what I should and should not do? Family and friends, who have known I’m an immunity risk, have not cared one bit about my health until now. I think it’s because now they realize, oh shit, you could actually impact my health negatively now, and that thought scares you.
I’m also pissed off because a dear friend of mine seems to be fucking spiraling and I do feel very much used by them this last week. I mentioned to them how I’m going to be with my girlfriend this week (at a hotel, where we will be watching movies and cooking food), and maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, but now i’m getting passive-aggressive messages from them about how I’m not taking this seriously. That my “social-distancing” didn’t last very long.
Also when I talk about the future, they’re suddenly extremely dismissive. Saying how their job and things they love is selfish with so many people dying. I agree, fuck of course I do. But I’m also a survivor of self-sacrificing myself until my body literally exploded on me. I self-sacrificed so much last week that I had some many PTSD episodes that I can’t even really remember last week at all. And I’m the one whose selfish, for wanting to see my girlfriend (whom I only see on the WEEKENDS BECAUSE WE’RE GROWN ASS ADULTS) and wanting to continue on with my education.
I stood by them, I sent letters for them, picked up food, took care of their kids way more than any “friend” really should, and I was taken advantage of 100000%. Now I’m mad, hurt, confused, wondering why they suddenly just fucking flipped on me. (They’ve ben flipping on me for a few weeks now, but it feels like the last straw. Also I don’t like all this passive-aggressive behavior.)
I’m also worried I shot myself in the goddamn foot for a career at my college, even though this is the second time they’ve driven off my advisors in the program. So obviously, I don’t regret every decision I made. But I worry that my reputation has been harmed, especially now that they’ve lost a lot of power in the academic world.
Anyways, the world is ending apparently, we’re not all going to die, and seeing my girlfriend once a week isn’t going to kill me. And if it does, what a fucking way to go am I right dudes?
