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*In the Normandy Mess Hall*

Shepard: All right boys, I'm heading out.

Thane, drinking tea: Where are you going, Siha?

Shepard: To either get Ice Cream or Commit a Murder, I'll decide when we get there.

Thane: ...this has to do with the mint chocolate chip shortage, doesn't it?

Kaidan, popping out from medbay: Is it back in stock? Can I come with?

Grunt, running down the hallway: THERE WILL BE MINT CHOCOLATE CHIPS THIS DAY?!

Garrus, still calibrating: Spirits, you people and your flavored cow lactate.

#...does he have to say it like that???#for real tho #mint chocolate ice cream #conversations on the normandy #mass effect #shitposts #Commander Shepard #kaidan alenko #urdnot grunt #garrus vakarian #thane krios

Shepard: Huh, my neck is turning red.

Garrus: Spirits, I hope it's not an allergic reaction. Is it itchy?

Shepard: Nah.

Garrus: Are you hot?

Shepard: *strikes a pose to show off their waist* I don't know... what do you think, Big Guy?

Garrus: ...

Shepard: Oh hey, look at your neck-

Garrus: Let's not! Let's focus on your neck!

Shepard, smug: You like my neck that much?

Garrus: afjdjlhkdgfkjkk

#error 404 #turian bad boy not found #please try your search again later #shakarian #ish #mass effect #shitposts #turians #Commander Shepard #garrus vakarian #shepard/garrus #levo dextro chirality thing #mordin did warn them

*planning a trip to the zoo*

Shepard: "I'm gonna pet the giant Palaveni lizards."

Ashley: "I don't think you're allowed to do that, Skipper."

Shepard: "Technically no, but we're gonna break in."

Ashley: "Wh- Why would we do that!?"

Shepard: "To pet the lizards. Were you not listening?"

#Do not do this #Ash #it's up to you #contain them #mass effect #shitposts #Commander Shepard #Ashley Williams #the crew goes to the zoo

Nihlus: i brought you something.

Saren: I do not want anything.

Nihlus: *holds up a kava latte* ...you sure?

Saren: ...

Saren: This doesn't mean I like you.

Nihlus: what if i also brought- *holds up dextro doughnuts*

Saren: *pupils dilate* Hnn. I will consider the matter further. After breakfast.

Nihlus: uhuh. thought so.

#nihlus is not above bribes #saren is not above carbohydrates #mass effect #shitposts #saren arterius #nihlus kryik #turians #kryterius #if you squint #friends bring friends stimulant drinks in the morning #so that certain friends don't commit homicide during official council meetings #doughnuts to train your dragon

Shepard: I like hugs. I even hugged a Vorcha once.

Wrex: You've never offered to hug me.

Shepard: ...

Wrex: ...

Shepard: ...do you... want a hug, Wrex?

Wrex: *scoffs* No, but you could have asked.

#He's lying #Hug that grumpy bastard #King Wrex needs a hug #mass effect #shitposts #urdnot wrex #commander shepard #conversations on the normandy #krogan

Shepard: Sometimes... I dream of what it could be like when this is all over.

Kasumi: Don't lie, we all know you don't sleep. :)

Shepard: ...you've been in the vents again, haven't you?

Kasumi: ...

...maybe.

#maayyybeee #a girl gets bored #during long flights #kasumi goto #Shepard #mass effect #shitposts #more like commander insomnia

incorrect-mass-effect-quotes

Liara: I need some serotonin.

Tali: *stands up*

Tali:

Tali: *sits back down*

Tali: I forgot what that was. I wanted to go and get you some.

#mass effect #liara t'soni #tali'zorah #bless her #tali is best tali

Everyone, absolutely everyone, about the Reapers: They're too powerful! Too fast, too smart, too big! We're doomed, we can't kill them!

Shepard: Well not with that attitude you won't.

#mass effect #shitposts #reapers #shepard #yolooo #fight

incorrect-mass-effect-quotes

Miranda: What are you doing up this late?

Shepard: I-

Miranda: Five words or less.

Shepard:

Shepard: Out for a walk.

Shepard:

Miranda:

Shepard:

Shepard: …Bitch.

#mass effect #miranda lawson #commander shepard #conversations on the normandy #you KNOW the face Miranda made at the end

Miranda: Commander, do you have a moment? EDI has brought something in your personal notes to my attention.

Shepard, raised eyebrow: You still spying on me, Lawson?

Miranda: No... as I said, EDI specifically asked me to speak with you.

Shepard: Hmmmm.

Miranda: It's a safety concern...

-

Meanwhile, Shepard's personal log:

- kill them with fire

- quest log updated: mosquito genocide

- acid solves many problems?

- found one. nice -144 pH, yeAH baybee

- also option: time travel and tanerite

#why does Shepard hate mosquitos so much?#we'll never know #-144 ph oh no #Safety Concerns Aboard the Normandy #miranda lawson #Shepard #mass effect #shitposts #EDI #conversations on the normandy

Shepard: It's a little muggy out today.

Garrus: I swear to NANUS if I go outside and all our mugs are on the lawn I'm leaving you.

Shepard: *sips hot chocolate out of a bowl*

#Shepard is a terror even after the war #Big Bastard Energy #But with pranks #They gotta get their kicks somewhere #garrus vakarian #shakarian #mass effect #shitposts #post war #Out of a bowl #pffffft

Shepard: Chakwas says I need to start making better life choices, like eating healthier food and drinking less alcohol.

Garrus, watching them sip coffee with two shots of vodka in it: Really.

Shepard: ... this doesn't count, it's like the cleanest alcohol you can get.

Tali'Zorah, nodding: It's true.

#Really.#Can you hear his skepticism.#garrus vakarian #is judging the shit out of them #mass effect #tw alcohol #alcoholism #i mean if it was me vs reapers i too would be an alcoholic #Tali'Zorah #Shepard #karin chakwas #shitposts

Nihlus: can you do me a favour?

Saren: I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene, and take the blame for it if you asked me to.

Nihlus: so i'm supposed to attend this children's charity event, but i have a mission...

Saren: ...

Nihlus: ...

Saren: No.

#No.#He doesn't have a mission #This was Nihlus trying to improve Saren's image #Also he KNOWS Saren likes kids more than People #nihlus kryik #saren arterius #mass effect #turians #shitposts

Shepard: idk lately I've been waking up and choosing violence.

The crew: We've noticed.

#You think they missed it?#Garrus is BORED because there's no one to shoot #Jack is looting the bodies #Liara is Trying Not To Judge OR fall in love #Ashley is cackling and keeping score #Kaidan is dutifully following with medigel in hand and the occasional clutch barrier #Miranda is just walking behind doing work emails #Thane is eating popcorn #Grunt is doing some sort of nerdy 7 y/o dance and stepping on skulls while shit talking the bodies #Tali'Zorah is googling things while her drone takes pot shots #the crew of the normandy #mass effect #shitposts #Shepard #renegade Shepard #renegade #normandy crew

Aria T'loak Go fuck yourself, Shepard.

Shepard: Fuck me yourself you coward.

#aria t'loak #Shepard #Shepard/Aria T'loak #how is that not a preexisting tag #mass effect #shitposts

a-local-idiots-shitpost

Shepard: what do you mean choose of course I'll-

Starchild: you could become a reaper

~later~

Shepard: (as a reaper) what's up guys

#Just imagine a 500 meter tall reaper #human like? no no no #boss ass deep ocean nightmare thing #Shepard runs around BWAHHHHHing at everyone that ever annoyed them #Endless millennia... of adjusting lazer output strength to try and perfectly cook a chicken #the chicken cycle continues #mass effect #shotposts #reapers #reaper Shepard #control ending

Miranda: Commander, why are you on the floor?

Shepard: I'm depressed.

Shepard: Also, I tried to hug Jack and she stabbed me. Can you get Chakwas please?

#Miranda's expression #That's the stuff #mass effect #shitposts #Shepard #nonspecific Shepard #miranda lawson #subject zero #jack subject zero

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