A . C . M

pansexual // 19 // georgia // heartache enthusiast // i just want to be happy // most of these are excerpts from books ill never finish

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

blood streams are rivulets of our past, present, and future. be kind to yourself.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

a "gentle" reminder that self harm is more than what you think it is.

nobody talks about how self harm is more than cutting.

its burning your flesh with the lit end of a cigarette.

its not eating until you see the bones of your own body jutting out.

its crying to the point of where the dehydration has made it to where everytime you stand up you black out.

its not caring enough to keep in contact with friends or family.

its not doing any form of writing / painting / reading / gaming anymore because you cant concentrate on anything.

its fucking until the bruises left on your body are reminders of "this doesnt feel right but nothing does anymore."

its working too much and you cant stop you need to feel the burn of every step.

its sleeping too little or too much.

its over eating.

its disassociating.

its smoking way too much and your lungs turn darker than your soul.

its drinking to the point of where every thought is gone in seconds and everything you see is tripled because you dont want to see straight anymore you cant it hurts too much.

its everything youve become accustomed to because you dont know anything different anymore.

this is the self harm thay nobody fucking talks about.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

fuck fuck fuck fuck

what is wrong with me?

what is happening to me?

why are thoughts of you closing in on me?

i cant see straight

i cant breathe

i cant eat

i cant sleep

my mind goes to such a dark place that sometimes i wonder if im even still fucking breathing because this isnt fair and all i ever wanted was to feel safe and loved

but my heart

fuck

my heart is nothing but a wasteland of broken promises

and my breaths are whispers of "what could have beens"

and my eyes shed rivers down the planes of my face

and yet

the only thing on my mind

is you.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

he smiled at her, stars in his eyes, and cheeks tinted red. he decided it was time.

"ive always been in love with you, and i know that springing this on you is a bit much but i just need you to know that i love you so-"

"honey, stop wasting your breath."

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

fuck, why is this happening? what have i done to deserve this?

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

i have met three kinds of people in my life.

1) the kind ones - these people all have traumatic stories to tell. from rape, from drugs, from abuse, from depression, from anxiety, from ptsd, from death, from so many other dark aspects of life. i have learned so much, and i have learned that these people refuse to make themselves hurt anyone the way they have been hurt.

2) the angry ones - these people also have traumatic stories to tell. they fall into the same category as listed above, except these people think, "it happened to me, so why shouldnt it happen to you?" these people can change, but some dont. they have a right to be angry, but that is no excuse to treat others horribly.

3) the mixed ones - these people are a combination of the two listed above. they are angry, so very angry, and they are at war with themselves. they lash out and hurt people accidentally, and sometimes on purpose, but they regret it. they dont know what to do, or how to help themsleves.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

how much longer will i do this? how much longer will i let people continuously walk all over me without so much as a care? how much longer will i have to endure the fact that im seen as an option and not a permanent place is your life? how much more do i have to sacrifice before you finally realize my worth? how much more do i have to break myself to fit into your puzzle? how much more time do i have to give to you? how much more do i have to tell myself to leave before i finally realize my self worth? how much more will it take before i completely break apart and lose the only part of myself i have left? how much more?

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

"how many times do i have to tell you that you are everything ive ever wanted?"

***

"count the stars, maybe then youll see that there are too many to count."

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

there comes a point in life where you realize that maybe not everything has a meaning, a purpose. terrible things happen to even the best of people, and while its not fair, its life. the most you can do is keep your head high, your heart strong, and your soul good. keep fighting, and dont ever give up.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

i have found, through trial and error, the key to happiness is forgiveness. forgive, but never forget.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

"im sorry, i didnt mean to, i swear!"

"thats complete bullshit and you know it. if you love someone, you dont fucking put yourself into a position to lose them! if you love them, you want to keep that for as long as you can!"

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

if someone who is broken loves you, cherish that. for they have seen the darkest sides of love, and yet they still chose to love you. thats something worth fighting for.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

i just want to be someone youre fucking proud of.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

purple skies

you wish there was something to stop the turmoil thats been building for years, and suddenly, there is something.

you ask what her favorite color is, and when she responds, "purple", with her eyes gleaming and her smile blinding, its suddenly the only color that matters, and its all you focus on.

lavender. its the color the sky is when you have your first deep talk, your eyes stay trained on her, memorizing the shape of her lips with every word that spills out.

lilac. its the color of her room. her room is her soul, all of her secrets are written on the walls and you feel yourself falling too quickly, and youre terrified because this.... this is something you thought youd never have.

wine. its the color you see when she cries in front of you for the first time. you both had been drinking, and before you know it, truth spills from her lips. her eyes shine with a sadness you dont know how to heal, and so you take her in your arms, hoping that someway, somehow, this could help her.

plum. its the color your hands are when youre yelling at each other at two in the morning. youre in an abandoned parking lot, rain just starting to fall, the coldness tinging your hands a shade you dont recognize. her lipstick stays perfectly in place, and you think to yourself that its unfair you love her this much and she has no idea, even as angry as you both are.

mulberry. its the color her lips are when you kiss her for the first time. and for the first time in your life, you dont hear a damn thing except for your heart skipping a beat.

amethyst. its the color of the rock sitting on her finger. youre both crying, but when your lips touch hers after saying, " i do", well, purple may just be your favorite color too.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

my heart is burning from a fire i should have put out years ago.

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

[spilledinkforbrokenhearts]

love was supposed to be the thing that heals you

but all it does is break you