hi, everyone! it’s been a while since i’ve been here, but i come to let you know i’ve decided to create a new blog. i’ll most likely end up back here at the og spockina blog, but for now, i’m moving into spockinaa for a change! feel free to follow me over there, or not follow! no hard feelings either way lmao i’m not very constant and we know that. alright, peace, bye!!
hi, everyone! it’s been a while since i’ve been here, but i come to let you know i’ve decided to create a new blog. i’ll most likely end up back here at the og spockina blog, but for now, i’m moving into spockinaa for a change! feel free to follow me over there, or not follow! no hard feelings either way lmao i’m not very constant and we know that. alright, peace, bye!!
hi, everyone! it’s been a while since i’ve been here, but i come to let you know i’ve decided to create a new blog. i’ll most likely end up back here at the og spockina blog, but for now, i’m moving into spockinaa for a change! feel free to follow me over there, or not follow! no hard feelings either way lmao i’m not very constant and we know that. alright, peace, bye!!
hi, everyone! it’s been a while since i’ve been here, but i come to let you know i’ve decided to create a new blog. i’ll most likely end up back here at the og spockina blog, but for now, i’m moving into spockinaa for a change! feel free to follow me over there, or not follow! no hard feelings either way lmao i’m not very constant and we know that. alright, peace, bye!!
hi, everyone! it’s been a while since i’ve been here, but i come to let you know i’ve decided to create a new blog. i’ll most likely end up back here at the og spockina blog, but for now, i’m moving into spockinaa for a change! feel free to follow me over there, or not follow! no hard feelings either way lmao i’m not very constant and we know that. alright, peace, bye!!
Thank you so much for this prompt, my love. Ace Eddie is honestly so incredibly important to me and I hope I did him justice!!!
All his life, Eddie never realized that there was an explanation to the way he felt about sex. He had no idea there was a word that encompassed all the feelings that had always been too big and overwhelming for him to name.
He’d always assumed it was just another thing that was wrong with him. His list of flaws and shortcomings had always been a long one, after all, so it was easy to believe this, too, stemmed from being fucked up and broken beyond repair.
Eddie had sex with Shannon because it was high school, and everyone else was losing their minds over it, so Eddie figured he should want it too. Shannon wanted it, and he would do anything to make Shannon happy.
He didn’t particularly enjoy it, but he chalked it up to both of them being young and not having a clue what they were doing. It was weird, though, listening to the guys in his class talk about their first time like it was some kind of life-changing, earth-shattering experience of pleasure when all Eddie had felt was...indifference.
So he kept trying, searching for that feeling. He didn’t dislike the sex, necessarily — he genuinely enjoyed making Shannon feel good, when he could focus solely on her and all but remove himself from the equation entirely. But as soon as she tried to reciprocate, as soon as his own body became involved, any enjoyment he’d been feeling up to that point would come crashing to a halt.
It was frustrating, not being able to understand, like sex was some big secret Eddie hadn’t been let in on. It made him feel unbelievably isolated sometimes, so he clung to Shannon with everything he had, asked her to marry him not long after they graduated. She knew him better than anyone ever had, and he loved her, though he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d still feel the same if she knew the truth.
When she ended up pregnant, Eddie was absolutely terrified. If he’d never been able to feel the way he was supposed to about Shannon — not completely, anyway — how could he possibly have the capacity to give a child what they needed? He’d fuck it up. He wouldn’t be enough.
So he ran and pretended he was being noble, that he was doing what was best for his family. (That part was true, to some extent; he wholeheartedly believed they would both be better off without him.)
He missed Shannon every day, more than anything, but the absence of sex didn’t feel like a loss to him. He couldn’t relate in the slightest when the guys in his platoon commiserated over how much they missed getting laid. If anything, for Eddie, it was a relief to be rid of it and the crushing pressure that came along with it.
When he came home, there was no time for sex, because there was Christopher. Christopher, who was perfect and beautiful and had no idea who his father was, which Eddie solved by leaving him again.
After that, it was never the same. Every phone call, every video chat turned into a fight, ended with Shannon crying and hanging up on him when they got too loud and woke up Chris. It got worse when he came back; they could barely look each other in the eye, much less have a conversation with one another. As much as it hurt, he wasn’t surprised when she left him. He didn’t blame her — he would leave him too if he could.
Eddie just focused on Chris, determined to do right by his kid even if it killed him. He didn’t have sex again until she came back to him all those years later in LA.
He thought it might give him some clarity, sleeping with her again, but if anything it just made him more confused. Sure, he didn’t enjoy it, but was it because he really didn’t like sex, or because their years and years of baggage were ruining things for him? Was he misremembering his entire relationship with sex and the way it made him feel simply because he was bitter about how things ended?
It’s hard to know, honestly, having only been with one person his whole life. So he does what he always does and assumes it’s his fault, that he’s in the wrong. He convinces himself he imagined it all.
///
When he falls for Buck, though, it becomes blatantly apparent that he hadn’t made the entire thing up at all. Because where things with Shannon were complicated, Buck is the complete opposite. Everything’s easy with Buck. Eddie’s never clicked with anyone like he does with Buck, never had someone who knows him like the back of his hand and vice versa. He’s comfortable with Buck in a way he’d always been convinced he was too damaged to ever find with another person. He’s not sure he believes in soulmates, but if they are real, he’s certain that Buck is his.
And yet still, despite all of that, Eddie doesn’t feel any overwhelming feelings of attraction in the sexual sense. Buck is without a doubt the most beautiful person he’s ever seen, and he loves him fiercely, completely...but he doesn’t want to have sex with him.
Anyway, original point being, Eddie went through all of this without any knowledge of the one simple word that explains it all so clearly.
He figures it out, like he does most things, with Buck’s help.
Christopher’s class is celebrating Pride at school next week, and Eddie’s not as well-versed as he feels like he should be when it comes to the LGBTQ community. He doesn’t know how in-depth they’re going to get into things at school, but he wants to educate himself in case Chris has any questions. So he enlists the help of Buck, king of research binging.
“Thanks for helping me with this,” Eddie tells him when they’re sitting on his couch, knees knocking together. “I know I’m probably overdoing it, but I just...it’s important, you know? I want him to know I’m here for him. That if he’s ever feeling lost or confused, we can figure it out together.”
Buck looks over at him, and there’s so much respect and admiration in his eyes it’s staggering. “You’re a really fucking good dad, Eddie, you know that?” he says, sounding almost...choked up?
Eddie shrugs, ducking his head to hide the blush that always creeps up when Buck sings his praises, all genuine honesty.
“I’m serious, man. Chris is so lucky to have you,” Buck continues. “God knows I could have used that kind of support when I was figuring out I’m bi.”
Eddie’s head snaps up immediately. “You are?”
Buck nods, shifting nervously. “Yeah. I don’t really talk about it much, mostly because of the way my parents reacted. They were nothing like you.”
Eddie’s heart aches at the thought of Buck’s parents thinking he’s anything less than absolutely perfect, and his breath catches in his throat as he realizes this pushes the idea of him and Buck, together, firmly into the realm of possibility. Eddie wants so bad it hurts.
This isn’t about him, though. This is Buck’s moment, and Eddie’s damn proud of him, so he swallows his yearning and grins widely.
“I’m really glad you told me, Buck,” he says, pulling him in and wrapping his arms around Buck tight.
He can feel Buck smiling against his neck, and Eddie lets himself melt into the hug. He’s never been a particularly tactile person, but it’s different with Buck. He always makes Eddie feel safe, comfortable, grounded, and now he’s gotten addicted to all the casual, intimate touches.
They spend a few solid hours on the internet, reading and printing out pages for Eddie to refer back to later, until eventually they come to the topic of asexuality. Buck gives him a brief description, but moves on from it after that, since Chris isn’t old enough for it to be relevant just yet.
For the rest of the night, though, Eddie can’t get those few sentences Buck had read to him out of his head. Once Buck’s gone home and Chris is tucked in and sleeping, Eddie goes back online. He reads articles, and scrolls through pages and pages of forums, and he realizes.
It doesn’t magically explain everything; he’s a little fuzzy on the details and where exactly he falls on the spectrum, because his relationship with Shannon still confuses the fuck out of him, but something in him slides into place when Eddie comes to a definitive conclusion. He’s asexual.
It’s exhilarating to be able to put a name to it, to know he’s not the only one who feels this way. It makes his heart feel ten pounds lighter in his chest to be told that he’s not wrong, that he’s valid, even just by strangers on the internet.
He wants to tell Buck more than anything. The revelation also brings another harsh reality crashing down on him, though; any chance he may have had with Buck has gone out the window.
Eddie may not have been around to see Buck 1.0, but he’s heard the stories. Buck loves sex, so this? This would be a dealbreaker. There’s no way — Buck would take off running. Eddie wouldn’t be enough for him. And he’s not ready to face that rejection yet.
He considers the possibility of telling someone else — he thinks he’d probably be comfortable enough to talk to Hen about it — but ultimately decides against it. The idea of anyone other than Buck being the first to know feels wrong.
So he doesn’t tell anyone. Eddie hates it, hates feeling like he’s hiding himself when he’s finally figured out who he is, but he’s gotten good at suffering in silence over the years. It’s fine.
///
It’s fine until one movie night at Buck’s apartment. Chris had fallen asleep curled up at Buck’s side, so when it’s time for them to go, Buck walks them out, carrying Chris to the truck.
“Night, Bucky, love you,” Chris mumbles as Buck gets him situated in his seat.
Buck grins at that, leaning down to press a kiss into Chris’ hair, and Eddie’s heart aches. “Love you too, buddy.”
Chris is already sleeping soundly again by the time Buck shuts the car door gently and turns back to Eddie.
“Hey, so listen, uh...” Buck stutters, eyes fixed firmly on the ground and an adorable blush coloring his cheeks. He sounds nervous.
Eddie doesn’t know what’s going on, but he encourages Buck nonetheless. “What’s up, man?”
He reaches a hand out to pat Buck’s shoulder, but Buck catches it with his own, lacing their fingers together with a look of determination.
“So I was thinking, since we’re both off tomorrow, maybe I could take you out to dinner,” Buck says. After a moment of hesitation, he adds, “Like...on a date.”
For a second, Eddie is elated. Buck is holding his hand, and looking at him like he hung the goddamn moon, and asking him out on a date. It’s all Eddie’s ever wanted, and he longs to lose himself in it.
But then he remembers: he can’t have this. Buck wouldn’t be asking him at all if he knew the truth. So naturally, Eddie decides to shut it down himself. To hurt before he gets hurt.
He lets himself be vulnerable for the briefest of moments. He lifts his free hand to Buck’s face, strokes his cheek, brushes his thumb across his birthmark softly. Eddie knows it’s his only chance, and he’s damn sure gonna take it while he can.
Buck’s breath hitches, eyes fluttering shut, and he looks so happy. Eddie’s not sure if his heart is breaking more for himself or for Buck as he forces himself to pull away.
“I’m so sorry, Buck, I can’t.”
Before Buck can say anything, Eddie gets in his truck and drives away, leaving him standing in the parking lot looking confused and a little bit broken.
///
Eddie’s been at home for less than an hour and he’s staring into his fridge, highly debating drinking himself into oblivion — he’s got the day off tomorrow and Chris has school, he could probably get away with it — when there’s a soft knock at his front door.
He opens the door and there’s Buck, looking not nearly as angry as he should be, given the circumstances. The only indication that anything’s even off at all is the fact that he actually knocked; he’s had a key for close to a year now.
“Buck? What are you doing here?” he asks stupidly, because he has no idea what else to say.
Buck just shrugs. “I didn’t like the way we left things. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
It’s such a Buck thing to do. He put his heart on the line and got brutally rejected, by his best friend no less, and now he’s here, checking up on said best friend who rejected him.
The thought echos on a loop inside Eddie’s head: Buck’s too good for him, Buck’s too good for him, Buck’s too good for him.
He steps aside to let Buck in and grabs each of them a beer. They stand across from each other at the kitchen counter, and Eddie hates how uncomfortable it feels. He’s never felt like this with Buck.
“I’m sorry about earlier, Buck. That was really shitty of me, and you deserve better,” Eddie says before taking a long swig of his drink.
“It’s okay, Eds. I want you to know there’s no hard feelings,” Buck says, looking at Eddie with nothing but complete sincerity. “I’m not gonna hold it against you for not feeling the same way. It’s already forgotten, okay?”
Buck’s too good for him.
Eddie sighs. “Buck—”
“I won’t make things weird, I promise. Just please, Eddie, don’t push me away.”
“Buck,” Eddie tries again.
“You’re my best friend. You and Chris are the best thing I have in my life, and I can’t lose you guys. I’m not gonna let it fall apart because I was selfish and stupid and put my feelings ahead of our friendship,” Buck says, with an edge of desperation in his voice like nothing Eddie’s ever heard before.
God, Buck’s way too fucking good for him. Eddie can’t let Buck put this burden on himself. It’s not fair.
“Buck, listen to me,” Eddie says firmly, waiting until Buck looks up at him before continuing. “This is not on you, okay? This is...it’s my fault.”
Buck’s brow furrows in confusion, and Eddie tries not to dwell on how adorable it makes him look. “What do you mean?”
Eddie takes a deep breath, steels himself. He can do this. The humiliation will be worth it as long as it gets Buck to stop blaming himself.
“I’m...” Eddie chokes on his words, swallows, tries again. “Buck, I’m pretty sure I’m asexual.”
“Oh,” Buck says simply, blinking in surprise. “That’s it?”
The words throw Eddie for a second. That’s it? It’s the single biggest revelation he’s ever had in his life and it doesn’t even warrant a real reaction?
Something must show on his face, though, because Buck is quick to clarify.
“No, not — that’s huge, obviously, and I’m really proud of you, man, I just meant — that’s it, like, that’s the reason you turned me down? Not because you’re not into me?”
Eddie doesn’t see what difference it makes, but he’s honest anyway. “Definitely not. I’m ridiculously into you. It’s just...not enough, and I’m sorry for that.”
“What are you talking about?” Buck asks.
Buck’s looking at him like he genuinely doesn’t understand, and Eddie kind of wants to cry. He doesn’t want to have to say the words out loud — that he’s not enough, that he can’t give Buck what he wants.
Eddie would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about just having sex with Buck anyway. He’d done it with Shannon, after all, and it hadn’t killed him, right? But he finally knows who he is, and it feels good, and he doesn’t want to lose that. He wants to be true to himself. Besides, he can’t lie to Buck.
So he gives him an out. He says it, so Buck doesn’t have to.
“You love sex, Buck. It’s not...we wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m not what you want.”
“Eddie,” Buck says, somehow managing to sound fond and exasperated at the same time. He walks around the counter so they’re standing in front of each other, face to face. “How about you let me decide what I want, instead of assuming and making the choice for me?”
All Eddie can do is nod, frozen in anticipation. He’s holding his breath.
“Good.” Buck takes a step closer and tilts Eddie’s chin up so he’s looking him straight in the eye. “Look, yeah, I’ve had a lot of sex. I always wanted so badly to be good enough for once in my life, and so I slept around as some fucked up way of trying to prove myself, to get the approval I was always so desperate for. But I was totally miserable. None of that sex ever made me happy.”
He takes Eddie’s hand and places it on his own chest, right over his heart. Eddie can feel Buck’s heart beating, slow and steady, and it’s comforting. Grounding. Between that and Buck stroking his hand gently with his thumb, Eddie’s nerves start to calm substantially.
“You know what does make me happy, though?” Buck continues. “You, Eddie. You and Christopher. You guys make me happier than I’ve ever been, happier than I ever thought I could be. You both gave me a family, and you made me feel good enough.”
“You’re so much more than good enough,” Eddie interrupts, because he needs him to know that. “You’re as close to perfect as it gets, Buck.”
Buck smiles widely at that, blushing a little as he leans forward and presses their foreheads together.
“I want to make dinner while you help Chris with his homework. I want to cuddle with you both while we’re watching TV. I want us to tuck him into bed together, and I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you in my arms. I want to fight about whose turn it is to do the laundry. I want to take a bubble bath with you after a long day at work. I want to take you out to dinner and hold your hand across the table. I’m not...I don’t care about the sex. The way I feel about you is so much more than that. I just want you, Eddie, exactly as you are.”
Eddie does his best to blink away the tears, but a few of them make it past him and slide down his cheeks. Buck wipes them away tenderly and then kisses his nose with a shy smile, and fuck, Eddie’s in so deep.
“You have me, Buck,” he murmurs, voice shaky. “You always have.”
He tilts his head to kiss Buck, chaste and sweet. Buck grins into it, and Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever felt so at ease during a kiss. Maybe it’s because there’s no expectation of it going any further, or maybe it’s just because it’s Buck. Eddie suspects it’s a little bit of both.
He falls asleep that night with Buck pressed up against his back and his arm curled around Eddie’s waist, holding him close. It’s the best sleep Eddie’s had in years.
///
Eddie wakes up happy. He and Buck are still tangled together, like even in their sleep, they refused to let go of each other. He smiles and runs his fingers through Buck’s hair, kissing his birthmark softly, before deciding to let Buck sleep in.
He leaves a note before he goes to drop Chris off at school, and when he gets back, Buck has French toast waiting for him.
“Morning,” Buck greets him with a smile, leaning in to kiss Eddie’s cheek.
Eddie grins so hard it hurts. “Morning.”
They make easy conversation while they eat breakfast together, and Eddie almost thinks this is it. That maybe it doesn’t need to be a big thing, that they can just have this.
But then Buck’s reaching for his hand across the table and saying “So, I think we should talk,” and Eddie starts to panic.
Did he do something wrong? Did Buck change his mind already? Was Eddie about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him when he’d only just gotten it?
“I know you’re not big on talking about your feelings, but I need you to make an exception for me here, okay?” Buck asks, squeezing Eddie’s hand gently. “I want to make sure I do this right. Your boundaries are important to me, Eds.”
Buck puts a piece of paper on the table and slides it over to him. It’s a list of questions for him to ask Eddie, with spaces between each one, like he left himself room to take notes on his answers. He knew Eddie would struggle to explain himself, so he wrote them a cheat sheet, an outline for their conversation to make it easier for Eddie.
God, he loves Buck so much it hurts.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says with a sigh. “It shouldn’t have to be this hard to date someone.”
“Just because something’s different doesn’t mean it’s too hard, or it’s wrong, babe,” Buck says, casually, like it doesn’t make Eddie’s heart skip a beat. “Would you ever tell Chris something’s too hard, not to bother, because he can’t do it the conventional way?”
Any argument Eddie had dies in his throat, because Buck’s got him there. “No, of course not.”
Buck grins smugly, clearly pleased with himself. “Exactly. Give yourself a break, Eddie.”
“Okay,” Eddie agrees.
“Okay,” Buck echoes, taking his sheet of paper back and uncapping his pen. “So, first of all...have I ever done anything that made you uncomfortable? I know I touch you a lot, and I’ve never had any, like, sexual intentions — I just like being close to you — but if anything’s ever been too much, I need you to tell me so I won’t do it again.”
“No, never,” Eddie answers without hesitation. He loves all of Buck’s little touches; his arms around his shoulders, his legs propped up in his lap, his hands on his knee, in his hair, on the back of his neck. “I like being close to you, too.”
Buck’s biting back a smile as he hums an affirmation, scribbling something down on the paper.
“So last night, you said you were ‘pretty sure’ you’re ace,” he continues, and for one horrible second he’s afraid Buck’s insinuating that maybe he’s not, maybe he’s just misguided. “Do you wanna talk it through? The part you’re not so sure about?”
Eddie breathes a sigh of relief (he really needs to stop doubting, because Buck’s given him absolutely no reason to) and realizes that for once, he actually does kind of want to talk about it.
“I don’t know. I just — I’ve only ever been with Shannon, so it’s...confusing,” Eddie says, playing with Buck’s fingers to distract himself. “I know I’m ace, I’m sure about that now. But everything else...our relationship was so fucked up by the end that I don’t know if I didn’t like what we were doing or if I just didn’t like her anymore.”
“That’s okay, Eddie. You know whatever you tell me today doesn’t have to be your answer forever, right?” Buck says, bringing their joined hands up so he can kiss Eddie’s fingers. “You’re allowed to change your mind any time, no questions asked.”
“Really?” Eddie asks, hating the way he sounds like a child. He honestly doesn’t know, though; he figured changing his mind would be like leading Buck on, wasting his time.
“Of course, sweetheart. We can figure it out together,” Buck tells him, parroting what Eddie had said about Chris those few weeks ago with a reassuring smile.
Eddie swallows the lump in his throat in favor of getting up and going around the dining room table, so he can sit next to Buck instead of across from him. Buck instantly scoots closer, like he’s naturally gravitated towards Eddie, tangling their legs together under the table.
“Okay, so kissing,” Buck continues, without missing a beat. “Thoughts?”
Eddie can’t help but laugh fondly. “I like kissing,” he answers easily. He leans in to press their lips together to emphasize the point, much to Buck’s delight.
“Nice, me too,” Buck agrees, making another note. “What about making out?”
Eddie considers it. As far as he can remember, he had liked making out, up until the point Shannon’s hands started to wander, obviously expecting more.
Buck wouldn’t do that, though, and the thought of laying in bed with Buck and just kissing him for hours, lazy and unhurried and solely to be close to one another, certainly appeals to him.
“I definitely wanna make out with you,” he says finally.
The words make Buck blush, and Eddie can’t resist the urge to kiss him on the cheek, to feel the warm skin underneath his lips.
“Okay, so — in case you didn’t realize — my new boyfriend is gorgeous, and I’m super into him, so if we’re making out I’ll probably get...um, excited, sometimes,” Buck says. Eddie can tell he’s trying to achieve the perfect balance of keeping the conversation light and making sure Eddie isn’t uncomfortable.
“So if that happens and I need to take care of it, what would you want me to do? I could go into the bathroom, or I could just leave completely and go back to my place, or...whatever you want, Eddie. Seriously, I don’t wanna make it weird for you.”
Eddie does his best to think back to when he and Shannon were still in love and happy, so he can answer the question as honestly as possible. (If he’s being completely truthful, though, he intends on making his house Buck’s home too, sooner rather than later.)
“I’d never kick you out of bed, Buck,” Eddie assures him, nudging him with his foot under the table. “Worst case, I could just leave and come back, but I think...I wouldn’t mind watching, maybe.”
“Are you sure?” Buck asks him, not entirely convinced. Eddie can’t blame him; neither is he.
“Not 100%, no, but I’d like to try,” Eddie says with a shrug. He almost leaves it at that, but Buck’s been so open and honest with him, and he wants to do the same. “With Shannon, I used to...I’d go down on her, and I liked making her feel good, as long as I kept my clothes on and she didn’t try to return the favor. I can’t make any promises, you know, it’s been a long time, but I do want to try. With you.”
Buck’s listening intently, nodding along and making more notes on his little paper. He looks surprised at Eddie’s honesty, but pleasantly so.
“We can try, but only if you promise you’ll stop me the second you’re uncomfortable,” he says seriously, holding his pinky out to Eddie. “I mean it, Eds. You won’t hurt my feelings. I just wanna make sure you’re good.”
Eddie smiles and hooks his pinky with Buck’s. “I promise. You got any more questions?”
“Just one,” Buck says, grinning. “Do you love me?”
“Did you really write that down on your list?” Eddie asks, brow raised at Buck in amusement.
Buck nods shamelessly. “I did, yeah.”
Eddie cups Buck’s cheek with his hand and kisses him softly. “Yeah, Buck. I love you.”
He takes the pen from Buck’s hand and, under the last question (that he really did write down, the dork), he writes Always.
The house is packed with everyone they love. The 118 is here, Maddie, Abuela, Pepa, two of Eddie’s cousins, one with her husband and children; the kids are running around like crazy, hyped on good food and fun music, and everyone seems to be having fun.
Buck, on the other hand, can’t seem to relax for even a second.
Words: 3359, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Fandoms: 9-1-1 (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: M/M
Characters: Evan “Buck” Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Bobby Nash, Fire Family - Character
i didn't know what i was doing when i started writing this, but something still came out, so i thought i'd share it with you guys. pls gimme ur thots i’m a needy hoe <3 (ps. what does the title have to do with the story? you tell me. i hate that i have to title things. thanks for understanding lmao)
a huge thank you to @theseventeenstairs for being the sweetest and offering me nothing but kindness.
3.3k words / fluff and buck being a dummy / buck-centric / read on ao3
-
The idea comes to him on a Monday. He’ll never forget it, because Ms. Flores is the one to put it in his head.
He’s picking up Chris when she says, smiling:
“You know, for a while I thought you and Edmundo were together,” she twirls her hair around a finger, and Buck can’t help but think, wow, she really is pretty. Why isn’t Eddie tapping that? and then he promptly deletes the thought because, one, that’s just awful and he isn’t like that anymore, and, two, well. He doesn’t want Eddie to be doing that, so…
He smiles back at her, one hand on Christopher’s shoulder, a backpack in his other hand. “Yeah, well...” he says, and waves, tugging Chris along.
Did he intentionally not give her anything? Yes. She gave him a lot, though.
He can’t stop thinking about it.
-
He needs to talk.
Eddie is, obviously, not an option.
Chimney is, obviously, not an option.
Hen has his best intentions at heart, and he knows it, but he’s not sure what he needs out of this conversation, so he doesn’t trust her not just to give him what he wants instead of what he needs.
Maddie will help, always. First, though, she’ll make fun of him and he’s not entirely sure she won’t bring Chim into the mix.
Bobby is the responsible adult figure in Buck’s life, and it comes with Athena benefits. He invites himself to dinner, and is working on an excuse to stay a little longer than usual, but as soon as dinner’s over, Harry’s off into his bedroom, and Buck laughs. Pre-teens. He’s not looking forward to when Chris becomes one.
“Out with it, Buck,” Athena says. “You know we love you, and we’ll have you whenever, but something’s happening, so talk to us.”
He sighs.
“I. I, uh, I love Eddie?” It sounds like a question, he knows, and he grimaces. Ugh, this is so awkward.
“Sweetheart,” Athena says, voice soft, “I don’t know how to put this kindly, because you sure look like something’s happening inside, but, um… We know.”
“Is there something else you need to say? You can open up, we’re not going to judge you,” Bobby adds, and Buck loves them.
“Yeah. Yeah, I need to talk.”
-
He feels better after talking about it, even if just a little. Sure, he’s not ready to do anything about it just yet, but having some of the weight off his shoulders is a huge help.
Christopher tugs at his sleeve. “Bucky, Elsa is about to freeze! Pay attention,” he stage-whispers, and Buck can’t help a chuckle.
“Sorry, bud,” he whispers back, settling more into the couch, feeling Chris pressed into his side, sandwiched between him and Eddie.
Interesting things are happening in the magic forest, but more important things are unravelling inside of Buck’s mind. Like, how he can’t see himself anywhere but here. How it’s a perfectly fine Saturday evening and he’s at Eddie’s house, watching a kid’s movie with a ten year old, and there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. How he made dinner, and then the dishes, in a house that isn’t his, but feels more like home than anywhere else he can think of. How maybe he’ll put Chris to bed, or maybe he won’t, and it doesn’t matter, because other evenings will come where he will put Christopher to bed. How he’s wearing his sweatpants, but Eddie’s shirt, because at this point his clothes have moved, and he doesn’t know how, but at some point half of his wardrobe made its way to Eddie’s bedroom drawers. How he has a designated side on Eddie’s bed, because there’s only so much couch-sleeping one can take before just moving to the bed, and Eddie hates the wall. How they’re sitting on the couch, Eddie’s hand just barely touching the back of his neck where his arm is stretched along the back of the couch, and how he’s wishing Eddie would rest the full weight of his hand on Buck’s body.
He could never be anywhere but here, and that he once thought otherwise is equal parts dumb and hilarious.
“Hey. Are you alright?” Eddie asks, once they’re alone.
(Christopher put himself to bed tonight, which is… new. He still requested Eddie read him two chapters of his book, instead of just the one, per it being weekend rules.)
“What you mean?”
“You seem, I dunno. Far away.”
Buck shrugs, takes a swig of his beer. “Frozen 2 is an excellent movie and I’ve been deep in thought. Was kinda hoping they’d give Elsa a gee-eff, though, not gonna lie.”
Eddie snorts. “Ain’t you a funny one?”
“You know it!” Buck replies with an exaggerated wink and a million-dollar smile.
They settle on some dumb, definitely not PG-13 movie, and pretend to watch it, side by side on the couch, until Eddie turns suddenly to face Buck and blurts out:
“No, seriously, what’s going on?”
Buck stares right back, hard. “I don’t know, man, what do you mean?”
“I don’t know, Buck, you just, I don’t know, you seem odd.” A beat. “For a while, actually.” Eddie sounds unsure and Buck’s ready to give, but then he adds the rest and Buck feels himself getting on the road to get angry.
He shakes his head. “You can’t say I’ve been odd for a while and say ‘I don’t know’ with it. What. The fuck. Do you mean?”
Eddie looks surprised. “Hey. Slow down, man, I just wanna talk.”
“Then talk.”
“I’m trying, Buck, but -”
“Don’t just say I’m odd and then expect me to say shit.”
“Jesus, Buck, what’s going on, man? Did I do something?”
And… Isn’t that a wake up call?
Sure, his emotions are a mess, but that doesn’t mean he gets to take stuff out on Eddie, who is, literally, the one person who will be most affected when Buck comes clean with this whole thing.
Buck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he looks Eddie in the eyes, and hopes Eddie can see the honesty in them.
“I’m sorry, Eddie. You’re right. It’s just… I’m. Um. Listen, I should go home. I’ve got a cleaning crew coming tomorrow, I should -”
“Don’t they have a key for that?”
“I, uh, yeah, actually, but I got a new rug I need them to be careful with. We’ll talk…?” He trails off at the end, not sure where he was going with it.
He moves around the house he knows so well. Stops by Chris’ bedroom to drop him one last kiss. Eddie doesn’t follow him as he moves around the house; stands in the middle of the living room, where they were arguing, and stays there, quiet, until Buck crosses him towards the front door.
“Text me when you get there,” he says before Buck leaves, because, fight or no fight, they still worry about each other, always.
Buck lets out a sigh of relief. He was hoping Eddie would still say that.
“Yeah, of course. Good night, Eddie.”
Driving back to his apartment doesn’t make him feel any better. It is, in fact, doing the opposite, and he feels awful.
He’s emotionally constipated, and he knows it, but it never quite led to the mess it did tonight. How come he’s in love with Eddie and still lashing out at him? Nothing makes sense and thinking makes his head throb, so he throws himself on his (lonely, cold, empty) bed, and wishes for tomorrow to come quick, so that this day can be over already.
hey
made it
see ya tmrw for chris’ friends’ bday
i got the present
sorry forgot 2 tell ya
night eds
😘
He falls asleep before Eddie answers.
-
At first, he can tell Eddie’s trying.
Eddie’s doing his absolute best to pretend nothing’s bothering him when he picks Buck up, when he says good morning, when he hands Chris the present he bought for Chris’ friend. Eddie’s avoiding his eyes, sure, but that’s Buck’s punishment, he guesses, and so he’ll take it.
But then, slowly, things sort themselves out. Each passing minute makes Eddie a little less upset, and a little more open to being around Buck, accepting that maybe whatever outburst happened last night was just a one-off thing. Buck’s thankful, not for the first time and shamelessly so, that Eddie is just as emotionally messed up as Buck is; as long as things get back to their usual, he doesn’t fuss too much.
They have a good day.
Sarah’s mom is a great host. She makes sure Eddie eats cake, and is not at all covert about the way she keeps her left hand in plain sight at all times, or about the way she searches Eddie’s hands in search of any kind of ring. (At which point, Buck has to excuse himself, because there’s only so much a guy can take. When he comes back, Eddie looks up at him through his lashes, and grins not-at-all-subtle at him, and Buck has to look away, heart skipping several beats.)
He needs to do something about it, or he’ll lose his mind.
-
Buck pokes his head into Bobby’s office, knocking more as a way of announcing himself than of asking if he can actually come in. “Hey, got a minute?”
It’s a slow day -- Hen’s working out, Chim and Eddie are taking a nap, and Buck knows he won’t get another moment quiet and alone with Bobby like this for a while, so he takes it.
“Of course, Buck, do come in.”
Buck snorts, plopping down on the chair.
“I need help,” he announces after a minute of sitting there silent.
“I’ll be glad to help if I can. What do you need?”
He clicks his tongue, unsure of how to say exactly what he’s feeling, unsure if he even knows how he’s feeling. He runs a hand over his face, into his hair, back down.
“I just. Look, I love him. I need to do something about it or I’m gonna go insane!”
Bobby is looking at him intently, a sympathetic look Buck doesn’t really love. He must look miserable for Bobby to be looking at him like that.
“Listen, Buckaroo, you just need to do it. I know you’re nervous but -” he’s interrupted by Buck’s phone. He glances down to see a couple of texts from Eddie, and he can’t help his smile as he types his response.
Where are you
I thought you were gonna take a nap too
couldnt fall asleep sry
bobby’s office
“...That Eddie?”
What for
“Yup,” he says, popping the p.
just talking
Bobby shakes his head, clear amusement in his eyes.
“As I was saying, Mister Buckley, you just need to do it. I know it’s scary, I promise I do, but it’s going to consume you until you come out with it. Think about it, really, and not just in general terms. Think about what you want to do, how you want to do it. You know we’ll be here for you. I’ll be here for you, whatever happens.”
You should come take a nap while it’s quiet
You’ll be exhausted later
Chris already picked tonight’s movie LOL
yeah ur right
ayyy what did he pick wait
nvm be down in a min
tell me when i get there
Buck nods, full attention on Bobby even if Eddie is waiting for him downstairs.
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. I mean, I think I have an idea, but we’ll keep thinking.”
“As long as you’re comfortable, take your time.”
“Thanks, Bobby. Really.”
Bobby smiles at him, small and pleased. “Anytime, Buckaroo. You know the door’s always open for you. Now go before he comes to get you.”
-
how do u feel abt a bbq
Why and when
no reason
just think we havent done anything cool lately
nothing that we looked forward to
Should I be offended????
what??? no!!!
I’m kidding LOL
man you suck
but anyway
i was thinking we could do a bbq at ur place
what w the backyard and all
we could have pepa and abuela
ur cousins
the 118
the kids
make it an actual event u feel
Sure
That sounds pretty nice, actually
Got a date in mind?
yeah actually
we all got 1st wknd june off
that ok?
Yup, nothing on my calendar
Just checked
great!!
that saturday then
It’s a date
Christopher will be so excited when I tell him
gosh i hope
dw i’ll figure out something for the kids
actually dont worry abt shit
let me take care of this
Be my guest LOL
-
Shopping for the barbecue is exciting, and Buck can forget, for a little bit, that he’s doing this as a way to give himself the courage to take the step that will either make or break them. So he shops, and he buys a lot. He buys enough food to feed way more people than the twenty that’ll be attending, and he buys enough games and activity books that the six children will be entertained for days on end. He just wants it to be a perfect day and for the people in his life to have a good time. That’s all.
He buys one extra thing. It takes an entire afternoon, and he keeps it safe and away from his eyes until he’s ready to think about it.
-
The house is packed with everyone they love. The 118 is here, Maddie, Abuela, Pepa, two of Eddie’s cousins, one with her husband and children; the kids are running around like crazy, hyped on good food and fun music, and everyone seems to be having fun.
Buck, on the other hand, can’t seem to relax for even a second.
“You doing OK?” Eddie asks, coming out of nowhere, and Buck nearly jumps out of his skin.
“Fuck, Eddie, warn a guy!”
“Jeez, I’m sorry! What’re you so jumpy for, anyway?”
Buck waves him off. “Just sleepy. Didn’t have a good night, is all,” he replies, which is, in fact, not a lie. He didn’t get a single blink of sleep last night. At around three he gave up, and made himself a huge thermos of coffee, instead.
He knows this is the right way. He knows they need to talk, and he needs to have things out in the open, finally, so they can stop skirting around this already. It’s a risk, and a bold move, and, frankly, there’s so much on the line. Too much. But he can’t keep dancing around it as if nothing’s happening.
He’s doing it.
-
Maybe not right now, though.
He feels queasy. There’s a bubbling something inside of him; a building panic that he feels in the pit of his stomach, working its way up at a really fast pace.
“Oh, God. Bobby. What if, what if I, uh, I read the whole thing wrong and this isn’t what he wants?”
“What?” Bobby takes a step closer, places a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezes. “Buck, no. Listen, we all know Eddie. We see him every single day. We see the two of you. There’s no way this isn’t happening.” There’s a pause, and then, almost as if he can’t help himself, Bobby adds: “But listen, Buck. If it isn’t what he wants, you’ll still be fine. We’ll be here with you, whatever the outcome may be, OK?”
Buck nods, says nothing. He is soothed by Bobby’s words, and he’s relieved that, at last, Bobby seems to be keeping his promise of not sugarcoating things (alternately: lying). He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.
“OK. Think I’m ready,” he says, hand firmly over his pocket as if he needs reassurance that this is real.
His voice is shaky, he knows, but Bobby doesn’t comment on it, just nods and squeezes his shoulder one more time; walks past him back into the living room, where the party is, obviously, still happening.
Buck takes a moment to look around.
He loves every single one of these people. He’s not sure when or how they became his family, but they are, and he knows he’s a lucky one. Whatever happens, he knows they’ll have his back.
He presses pause on the music that’s playing from his phone, making everyone look around confused, until they see him walking until he stops in the middle of the living room, where Eddie was, just a moment ago, talking to Abuela and Christopher, and is, now, watching him intently, confusion clear in his eyes.
“Hi, everybody,” Buck starts, and he knows he’s blushing, knows they can all tell just how damn nervous he is, but he won’t stop, now. “First, I wanna thank you all for being here today. It fills my heart with joy that we’re all here together, all the people Eddie and Christopher and I love so dearly.” He stops, looks around, offers everyone a smile. “When I decided I wanted to do this, I couldn’t - I didn’t - God. I didn’t know how to go about this, but I know I wanted everyone here.”
“Buck?” Eddie says, looking up at him with what Buck’s pretty sure is hope. Buck takes his hands, mostly because he can’t help himself with the overwhelming need to just touch Eddie.
“I hope you all know how much I love this man. And I know everyone here knows, but if you don’t, let me tell you: Eddie is the best man I’ve ever met. Eddie has the biggest heart, the strongest soul; Eddie is the best father I’ve ever seen, he’s a good friend, a kind man, a just one. A hot one, too,” he adds, wiggling his eyebrows, making everyone laugh. “But we all know that,” he continues. “I wanna tell you about the things only I know. I wanna tell you about how soft he is in the mornings. How he makes coffee just the way I like it. How he wakes Christopher with a smile, every single day. How he loves. How he cares. How he does his best, everyday, to be the best Eddie he could possibly be,” he turns to Eddie, fully, offers him a smile. “I hope you know you are, Eddie. You are the best, Eddie. And I love you. And I love you, too, Superman,” he adds, looking down at where Christopher is watching them with tears in his eyes.
This is it.
He pats his pocket, and fishes out the little box he’s been keeping safe this whole time, goes down on one knee. Hears the murmurs around them, the surprised sounds from their friends and family. Watches as Eddie grips Christopher’s hand tightly, brings one hand up to his mouth.
Now or never.
“Eddie,” he starts, but finds he can’t keep going. He takes a deep breath, starts again: “Eddie, I never knew I could love like this until you. You walked into my life, and you made a mess, and then I made a mess, but what matters is that we’ve come out stronger every single one of those times, and I hope to God there will be so many more for us to walk through.
“So, Eddie, Edmundo Diaz, will you marry me?”
Buck hopes to God he’ll never have to go through this again. He watches as Eddie watches him in silence, looking like he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and Buck wants to cry, and run, and hide, and never come back, because this is the most terrified he’s ever been in his life, and he’s been through a tsunami where he thought he’d lost Christopher, and -
“Yes. Yes, yes, of course, Buck, God, I love you, of course I’ll marry you!”
Then Eddie’s down on his knees with him, and they’re kissing, and Christopher’s right there with them, and Buck has never been happier in his life.
Surrounded by the people he loves, with the one he loves, with their son.
He knows he should think he’ll never be happier than this, but he knows he will. His future has Eddie and Christopher; every day will just be happier.
nobody asked but here, have a snippet of a tiny buddie thing i’m doing while i avoid working on the big buddie thing i wish i were doing instead
Interesting things are happening in the magic forest, but more important things are unravelling inside of Buck’s mind. Like, how he can’t see himself anywhere but here. How it’s a perfectly fine Saturday evening and he’s at Eddie’s house, watching a kid’s movie with a ten year old, and there’s nowhere else he’d rather be. How he made dinner, and then the dishes, in a house that isn’t his, but feels more like home than anywhere else he can think of. How maybe he’ll put Chris to bed, or maybe he won’t, and it doesn’t matter, because other evenings will come where he will put Christopher to bed. How he’s wearing his sweatpants, but Eddie’s shirt, because at this point his clothes have moved, and he doesn’t know how, but at some point half of his wardrobe made its way to Eddie’s bedroom drawers. How he has a designated side on Eddie’s bed, because there’s only so much couch-sleeping one can take before just moving to the bed, and Eddie hates the wall. How they’re sitting on the couch, Eddie’s hand just barely touching the back of his neck where his arm is stretched along the back of the couch, and how he’s wishing Eddie would rest the full weight of his hand on Buck’s body.
i accept thoughts opinions criticism and/or anything u have and also a beta if u happen to know one
