*This is not running related. This is a post regarding my heart and all the stuff that is currently in it.
I have contemplated writing this post for a while now. I worried it would come off as a “subblog” (like a subtweet, but with way more than 140 characters). But my honest prayer is that anyone who reads this would see the true desires of my heart, hear my apologies, and nod because they’ve been here too.
In March of this year, I went through a really weird time. It’s not something the world needs to weigh in on, but I guess snippets of my struggles made their way into ears and conversations and those opinions shared changed perceptions of who I am as a person. Hunter and I were taking a break for specific personal reasons, and since we have a lot of mutual friends, it was difficult to keep the situation between the two of us. I felt the need to rationalize my decisions, so I closed myself off to anyone who might argue with me.
Can I be honest though? I was so deeply hurting. My heart ached to be loved and to be sought after and to be heard. I am so thankful for a few women that walked with me through that really hard time. They ate soup and took strolls and sometimes just kept silent as I tried to process where I was in my head and in my heart.
Because I am a sinner, my natural inclination is to flee from God. But while I am faithless, He is ever faithful because He cannot be anything else. As He slowly turned my heart back to Him, my good and faithful God reached out and embraced me. He took me into His fold and received me with grace. I cannot explain the peace to be found while you are being held by The Lord, but it is simply extraordinary.
It is easy to assume that because I had returned to my old self, everyone else would accept me back into the fold. This has been overwhelmingly untrue. Since March, I have struggled with abject loneliness, defeat, and hurt. I can honestly say that it took me by surprise. Previous to my deviation, I had a close group of friends. This is no longer the case.
My first call is a plea for forgiveness. I am so flawed. In my sinful nature, I am impatient, quick to judge, and even haughty. Over this season of loneliness, the Lord has revealed a lot of character traits that we are working through.
I am flawed.
I am flawed.
I am flawed.
I wish that I was not; someday I won’t be. But for the time being, I make mistakes and I mess up every day. I walk away from The Lord and I run into the arms of sin. I trade long term holiness for short term gratification. I make no excuses for my behavior. I am a sinner and indebted to the deep grace of Christ Jesus and His atoning sacrifice.
My second call is a plea for grace. To know that my life was laid out for discussion, my choices picked apart by people who don’t know the whole story, and my character examined by those who have never bothered to hear my heart...it is probably the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced. I am guilty of gossip myself, and I trust that The Lord has used this season to teach me the gut-wrenching effects of what seems to be an innocent anecdote. People’s lives are not purposed for entertainment. I am not up for discussion. If you have questions about my life, my relationships, or my walk with The Lord, please contact me so we can discuss it. I love nothing more than sharing my story with people; I really am an open book. But picking and choosing the juiciest parts of peoples’ stories is not how Christ-centered community was meant to be. I am praying that The Lord hold me accountable to this truth myself. I pray to be trustworthy, loyal, and positive. I want to be quick to point out another’s strengths, rather than their shortcomings. Let’s do this together, so that we may build up the Kingdom.
My third call is a plea for authenticity. Christians, let’s stop pretending we have it all together. Let’s stop punishing our peers for having flaws. Let us rebuke one another in truth and love. Let us be quick to forgive and quick to give hugs. This is not a competition of who can be a better Christian; this is a battle against the forces of Satan. Bickering in the ranks only makes it easier for evil to penetrate our defenses. Let’s build one another up, even when we will receive nothing in return. I’ve recently noticed that I assume everyone else’s lives must be black and white. All of your decisions must have been clear-cut; if you made the wrong decision, it must have been out of sheer rejection of Biblical Truth. You screwed up, now I get to revel in the idea that I wouldn’t have made the same mistake as you.
But my life, you see, is a world of grey. It is a world of decision-making without knowing the outcomes. It is a world of feelings that are not clearly from God or from the sin-filled world. It’s a world of pain and burdens and baggage from my childhood that I had no idea affects my line of thinking as an adult.
I have a feeling that your world is grey too.
My heartfelt desire, my plea, my cry, my need, is to be around people who are cool with living with me in the grey. I want to live honestly with you, to be able to share my burdens without fear of judgement or rejection. I want you to really know me, not just the shiny parts that are on display. I have jagged edges and wounds that may never fully heal. Are you okay with that? Because if you are, we can enter in to a place of community that is at the heart of what Christ wanted. We can bear one another’s burdens, work through hard sin together, and know that there is always a friend to call. I am not going to get this right 100% of the time. I am going to fall hard, cry ugly, and stumble off the path. Let’s do it together. Let’s love hard, honest, and true. Let’s push each other on towards Christ and the crazy plans He has laid out for us. Christ walked with people in their hurts, in their sins, and in their shame. I want to be the kind of friend that does the same.
Let’s live in the grey. Together.
turnnoffyourmind
snowghoul
titsay
izzy806
kianamaiart
