I used to be just me now not me Without You

well we've been to the depths of hell and we're trying to make it back as we speak I wouldn't consider us even halfway there yet but it's definitely not as bad as it was 6 months ago so maybe 6 months from now I won't be able to call it help at all I will be all the way back to reality whatever the fuck that is an answer anymore we're going to be those people to have them years under our belt you know how much I was asking how many heroin addicts do you know to have a substantial amount of years under their belt sobriety and people just look at me because there aren't any that they know cuz most of them are dead well we're going to be the ones that make it bet your ass on that one

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I wish I could post the actual video I made too this song but Tumblr says no. So I gotta do it this way.... Tim Nelson you are my twin flame, my soulmate, we had the kinda love u see in movies n not the honeymoon phase kind either the real kind thats messy, n hard as fuck too maintain, the kind I gotta put real work into because I want do badly to be together. We'd have walked thru fire to find one another and we did at times.... U promised you'd never leave me n I thought because we had such a beautiful amazing love that we had an endless amount of time to be together... Had I known our last night together was our last night I would have done everything so differently I wouldn't have let you go out all night running around hanging out with friends I would have kept you at home in bed with me and we would have done what we did best because even after 10 years together we still have the greatest sex life of anyone that I've ever been with or ever known we would have cuddled together because we fit together like puzzle pieces and it was always so comfortable you're my other half and without you I just don't feel right I feel like the part of me that I liked is missing the part of my life that I loved is gone watching you die that morning is the most horrific thing I've ever seen him in my life watching you cry after they took you off life support knowing that you were still in there but not enough to make you stay on life support because you didn't want to be that way I think that it's broken more than I already was and even if I find a way to put myself back together nothing can ever actually fix me I mean when something is broken it's just broken right? You love me unconditionally no matter what I did or said no matter what I looked like that day or what I was wearing in your eyes I was the most beautiful person in the whole world and I've never felt anything like that in my life I worked so hard and our relationship and it was all for nothing it's all so that I can spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for not being able to save you and so that I can spend the rest of my life hating every single day and every f****** part of myself I don't want to be here without you I don't want to never see you again it hurts so much all the time and I don't know how to make it stop it doesn't matter how many drugs I do I'm just doesn't matter what I do it just hurts all the time and I'm so alone you're my best friend I know you didn't choose to leave me but you didn't left me and I hate it and I hate my life I have nothing to look forward to anymore except my son growing up and not needing me anymore so that I can be with you I totally want is to not feel like this anymore it's too much for one person to take they say that God never gives you more than you can handle but that's not true because this is more that I can handle I'm not handling it I'm avoiding it keeping everything in the apartment exactly the same kind of trick myself into thinking that you might be home someday and I know it's not healthy but I don't care because I just miss you so much and that's all I think about and that's all I care about and what did I ever do so wrong in life to deserve all the horrific things that I've had to endure I'm not a bad person so why am I not allowed even just a little bit of happiness it's not very fair it's just not fair at all I just want to see one more time

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The people of Tumblr would like to edit or block out this post because they say it's adult content I guess maybe adult content does include making a video for someone that has been the love of your life for over 10 years or maybe raising awareness that heroin overdose drug overdose allergic reactions these are all very real things and they take lives and not only the life of the person that's actually dead with the life of the person that is in love with them too please don't take down this post it's not meant to be sexual in nature that they're just the pictures that I have I'm trying to heal and I feel that no one is trying to let me and it's sad really that our world has become such an edited disgusting place to live in

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I'm never right about the things I so desperately wish I were and never wrong when I'd give anything to b.....

I can't even remember what it felt like when u made me feel so good I was just as addicted to u as I was heroin....

I don't got it in me to work as hard for your affection as I used to..

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***knows how much this post will make people wanna smack me a lil but Tumblr always my spot 4 the stuff I'd never say on Facebook*****

So I quit doing h 6mo or more ago by goin to the methadone clinic, wasn't my 1st x there but I've never gained this much weight.... Granted this time I was 100% clean while I gained the weight. I since got off paper n back to smoking n ecetera n still fat as I ever been. More than when I gave birth birth xs n I hadn't even done a hard drug in my life then.

So I've always been skinny... Unlikebly in my opinion... I was always struggling to find jeans that fit as a kid but thru the years figured it out as we all do....

But now I'm way bigger n I know in my mind it's not really that bad as I think n I could have it way worse... Don't misunderstand I'm grateful but idk what to wear...

I literally don't know how to dress 4 this size everything I would a gotten b4 makes me look huge now... So I'm stuck in my cotton shorts cause on top of it all the methadone makes me sweat more and b hot so easily , and my Haines tee men's cause that's what I got that fits...

If all that isn't enough to make my day less sunny I've now got self-esteem issues that are physical and are making not want to even get naked let alone take pics or videos or anything else like that that my boyfriend and I used to do so well together. I've got a large methadone dose interacting and causing my sex drive to deplete which sucks and these are just the superficial issues that I'm dealing with or maybe that my mind is choosing to deal rather than all of life's real problems like my mom being so sick and the coronavirus making everything difficult not having a vehicle I could go on but I won't really I just need to know how to feel okay again in my own skin

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It's been a really long time since I've needed Tumblr to say all the things nobody else wanted to hear n it's been even longer since my blog was determined to b "EXPLICIT/VULGAR/XXX"

We're both really trying to make our lives about things that ppl feel the need to sensor.

U probably won't read this Tim, maybe had I not let down my wall yet but I did n I hope u have really thought about what that's gonna be like both good and bad lol.

I wanna b sober in the sense that I don't need drugs to function n I'm using all my money risking everything that ACTUALLY matters. I don't want to b so sober that I forget what it feels like to laugh....

#balance

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I miss this us.... don't u?

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Looking back

It's crazy how there's so many things I miss so very much about how things used to b...I miss the way life was when we lived with denise ...I miss her so fuckin much sometimes..... I miss how simple thing were in loved having nothing better to stress on than our relationship...I miss how close we were when we lived in vinton.....I wouldn't go back cause each time had its vices but fuck I MISS U .... I know I'll look back at this time when we're being torn in different directions for different reasons not I've no doubt things will as always b ok

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Some not so naughty pics for this much less fun tumblr

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This used to b the place I could b me. Say whatever I wanted, make my profile as self confident as I always want to be. My place to remind myself im not old, n that I'm still wanted.... it was the only place that wasn't trying to get something from my posts that are now deemed unfit.....I loved that... I loved the openness, the realness, the souls that found an outlet for all the repressed habits, faults, Joy's, all the things that couldn't b done/ said anywhere but here. Now that's gone, now the fun in seeing how others Express themselves when they were free to be anybody.... I'd use Facebook if i wanted to b censored

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We still got it lll

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ALWAYS

I'M YOURS. I ONLY WANT 2 B YOURS.ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS WILL.

[zodiacspot]

Read more about your Zodiac sign here

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Weird

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Fast forward

I wish we could fast forward thru so this mess.... Fuck I miss the shit outta you

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Suffering thru

Well you're revoking your probation soon be the next time I get to kiss you will probably be when we get married..... It's ok my dad was never gonna pay for another wedding anyway so I'm ok with a prison wedding all I really care about is that I get to marry you! I wish you hadn't done all this dumb shit that wasn't necessary but I may as well wish for the moon cause I'm never gonna see that wish come true! Maybe it's for the best I've never been good at being alone now I have to b n I'm learning to b ok with that too! If I don't start dropping clean I'm gonna b right there with ya but I'm gonna try really hard not to be! I gotta job interview tomorrow I'm not even gonna post where cause all though ppl who know me say it's nothing to b embarrassed about that's only cause they've seen me with nothing for so long they're all just happy to see me get a job, ANY JOB! Lol I love u n I miss my best friend I feel like most a my other friendships are fake in some level but real at the same time idk it's hard to explain on here but I know understand.... That's what's so hard..... U always understand me n my life n all that.... I don't cry every day anymore so that's good...... I keep falling asleep in my coat I'm so cold here without you at night..... Anyway ,,,, I love you Timmy n you know your my soulmate, my best friend, my person..... Fuck I don't know how I'm gonna make it without u but I have to ,..

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This app actually had a b button to make my boobs bigger wtf