/starsinasyringe

23 | Alheya Raze | Science & Art Right brain worker on weekdays, left brain freelancer on weekends. Booksniffer. Coffee-dependent. Sneakerhead. Meow person. Way too much passion in my veins.

[starsinasyringe]

28 | cats, coffee and waves | occupational health | photography | running and muay thai

Hello! If you’re still sticking around until now, you might have noticed that I have not posted in years. Life happened and a lot has changed since. Includi- actually, majority about who I am and how I am living. If you’re still following me until now, you deserve to know that I have started a new blog/page, link above. 

If you’re interested to get to know me all over again, please give me a follow. Otherwise, you are free to lurk here- a museum of who I used to be. I am not deleting this blog, much like my old Instagram, for the memories and most especially for the art, poetry, photographs and stories I’ve created in this space. 

So, see you around? Don’t be a stranger. 

[starsinasyringe]

Hello, I am still alive.

Is anyone here still following me for my stories? 

[starsinasyringe]

//Inked

17 October 2016, The Meeting Plate

Zion and I traveled from Laguna to Manila then Cavite to meet-up with Drew (the tattoo artist) on their family’s place, The Meeting Plate.

While waiting for her, Zion bought some beer. I think he was trying to calm me down but I was not really nervous. I was a bit excited to know how it feels, how painful it would be and how it would turn out. 

She arrived about 30 minutes after and we started the session. I was inked first. (Pain level: 5/10. I might appear a bit of a brag but I guess I had too many scratches from my cats that the pain from getting inked was very tolerable for me.) However, after the linings and the details were done, I felt it wasn’t finished yet so I requested if she could color it. So, after she did the initial linings on Zion, she went home to grab some needles and the teal ink for me.

However, when she returned she told us she forgot the color so... I needed to wait until she finishes Zion’s rose- which took around 2 more hours- until she could get back home to grab it.

By that time, mine was already a bit swollen, thus, I felt some pain this time. But, it was worth it and well, I sat through it without screaming or twisting my body so yes, *pats self on the back*.

[starsinasyringe]

Anatomical: Embracing Being Human

"Anatomical: Embracing Being Human" is a gathering of tongues, minds and hands hoping to bring an event that mixes spoken word, music and visual arts to the local fray. Yes, this serves as my birthday project, but this is majorly all for the glory of art in its various forms.

With this event, I hope to remind everyone of both the curse and blessing of being human. We have desires, we have hopes and dreams. We experience failure, we experience rejection. We can feel too much or choose to feel nothing at all. We are humans and we can live, feel, love however we want and our gender, age, weight, or whatever society uses to categorize us into is not a measure of who we are.

Para sa mga babae na nasabihan na masyadong dominante, masyadong independent, masyadong matalino. Para sa mga lalake na nasasabihan masyadong emosyonal, na masyadong duwag, na masyadong mapagmahal. Para sa mga myembro ng LGBTQ community na pinagbabawalang magmahal, o bumuo ng pamilya. Para sa mga artist na piniling ipursue ang passion nila at nilalabanan araw araw ang pangungutya ng mga tao na paano sila mabubuhay mg pagpipinta, pagtugtog, pagkuha ng litrato. Para sa mga may boses, may puso, may kagustuhan na lumikha pero natatakot masabihan na geek, nerd, korni, emo. Para sa iyo. Para sainyo. Yakapin natin ang ating pagkatao.

---

There was a typhoon last Satuday and during the week, 2 artists have already apologized because they could not make it. On the day itself, two more gave valid reasons why they could not go. I was feeling, pun intended, under the weather already, but I decided to just wing things and enjoy it.

My parents, sister (+ her boyfriend) and my best friend and I arrived at the venue at around 5:30pm. Mita and Jem, who are friends from college, were too awesome and kind to lead the setting-up of the artworks.

Artworks (L-R, top-bottom):Borgy Alvarez @withmylefteye​, Franchesca Franco, Ouie Sanchez @ouiepotograpiya​, Joshua Llineses, John Carlo Lazaro, Leo Alberto @soulscorpio, Louise Abaya, Frances Gaela. Other artists are RJ Saquian, Nigel Llamas, Kevin Realeza.

Dianne (+Tinz), who are friends from work, arrived at around 7:00pm and we started the program at 8:00pm, after Zion has finally arrived with the additional amp.

Performances from (L-R, top-bottom): Philip Calcetas with (my) Zion Cortez, Jethro Miclat, Jem Lorilla, Harry Tiu, JanJan Baldemor. Open-mic performance from In Vino Veritas. White Wall Poetry’s Slac Cayamanda.

Other performers are Dianne Alavado and White Wall Poetry’s Cheryl Salvador and Brix Artan. To kill some time, I performed my piece “Apoy” during the open mic.

Three bands performed as well. Dying Manifesto woke everyone up, may special guest pa sila! Haha! Gayuma followed and then the night ended perfectly with Gust’s “A Perfect World Exists”.

Full set of photos here.

[kushandwizdom]

[meanwhilepoetry]

You have been told that you love too much, too often and too hard, too many times and it should have taught you that the way people receive love is their problem not yours. It is not that you need to love in moderation. It is that they need to learn how to receive love more graciously.

Nikita Gill (via meanwhilepoetry)

[meanwhilepoetry]

Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.

Nikita Gill, Advice for Teenage Girls Finding Their Way Through Love. (via meanwhilepoetry)

[starsinasyringe]

It happened impulsively, in a very unromantic kind of way. 

We have had “the wedding” talks. He has even asked me to choose a ring and I did find it online. It wasn’t the minimalist black spinel ring but I found it online and liked it. He was supposed to order it, but we are both deep into work and school and life’s usual chaos. 

Lately, I have been getting sick so often. It started with acute asthma attacks, then last week, I had heavy vaginal bleeding. I still got 2 tablets left for my OCP so it was not normal at all, given that I have been spotting the week before. I got checked-up, went through a series of laboratory tests and got to know that my PCOS hasn’t gotten better. My reproductive system is fucked up - retroverted uterus, slightly posterior left ovary with 7 cysts, a smaller than teh normal size right ovary with 15 cysts and more. I wanted to cry when they were doing the ultrasound but I was alone and that would be unlikely for an introvert like me. 

You see, I used to not want a child. Until now, I am still not sure if I could be a good enough mother, or even to be half as decent as my mom. Maybe it’s because I have such a wonderful mother that I feel I will never be like her. But, I have always been fond of kids. It’s the thought of giving birth that scares me. 

So yesterday, my second OB-Gyne told me that I need to have kids soon as the more I delay, the harder it would be to get pregnant. And I think I am ready to try, but deeply engraved in me is the principle that I do not want to have a kid before getting married. One, I do not want to have a kid born out of marriage and two, I do not want to have someone marry me because I am pregnant. I was babbling about it to Zion and he told me, “We were supposed to buy a ring, but you do not want the rings here. Tara, tingin tayo ngayon ulit.” So we did, and I managed to find this one that fits what I want: minimalist, uncrowned and one that does not cost so much I would be afraid to wear it everyday. 

We also bought the Panda’gguy together, Hihi.

So, yes, I am engaged! But, wedding plans would come after 3 semesters, when I am finished with gradschool! Haha. 

[starsinasyringe]

They say that I have my father’s eyes, laugh, and anger my mother’s lips, passion, and anxiety. I am a mixture of a forest wild fire and a storm, and I guess, that is what scares me, for it is never a battle between good and bad, but between burning or drowning. I am not a fast runner. I never learned to swim.

[starsinasyringe]

//SILAHIS Over Lunch

Over lunch and along with two of my kakaibabes, we went to Silahis to grab some ice cream. However, being the art-crazed people that we are, we roamed around and got lost within the beauty of it all.

These masks immediately captured my attention as I have been wanting to get one for myself. Maybe, I’ll reward myself and buy a small one I can afford for my birthday.

The museum has three floors, including a mezzanine. The mezzanine holds tribal items, such as jewelry, clothing and furniture. The second floor houses the Tradewinds Cultural Bookshop where I saw this quite intriguing book:

There were also some furniture in the second floor and this chess set, if I only had the money, I would buy in a heartbeat.

We then went to the third floor where most of the art works such as paintings, sketches, sculptures and antique pieces are placed.

Now, the third floor is like a whole new world where time is not an issue. Well, certainly for us it wasn’t during that time as we did not seem to care if we would be late back for work (but we managed to get back 10 minutes before 1pm).

(From top, L-R:)

“Kain Pa” and “Tama Na”

Forgiveness (Bulag, Pipi at Bingi)

A porcelain piece which I loved because of its daintyness and color

“Consequences”; according to Christian Regis (who guided us during our roaming, and is an artist himself) the initial name of this piece was “Laklak” but they changed it

Placemats with prints of Abueva’s work!!!

Guillermo Tolentino’s sculptures

Now, here is where I would unleash my art-crazed self and say that I really did moan a little when I saw these nude artworks. I was ecstatic! The curves, the shadows, the details! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Christian then offered that we do a little art trade and I obliged.

To end this post, here is a stolen photo by my sister as I drool lose myself over these artworks. Indeed, it was a lunch well spent!

[starsinasyringe]

Darating ang araw, malulunod ka sa lahat ng kasinungalingan mo at habang kinakapos ka ng hininga, habang pilit kang lumalangoy, habang nananakit ang dibdib mo sa kakulangan nito sa hangin, habang naghahanap ang mga kamay mo ng kamay na mag-aangat sayo sa hinukay mong bangin... Sana ay matagpuan mo siya. Siya na pinili mo kaysa sa amin. Sana ikaw ay masaya. Sana ay tunay kang masaya. Sana ay tuluyan kang maging masaya. Kahit na kami ang pinilit mong bitawan. Kahit na ang pagsagip namin sa iyo ng milyong beses ay tila ba iyo ng nakalimutan. Kahit na ang aming mga kamay ay nangalay na kakahintay na kami naman ang iyong piliin, kami naman ang iyong hawakan. Sana ikaw ay masaya. Sana ay tunay kang masaya. Sana ay tuluyan kang maging masaya. Patawad. Ngunit baka nga kailangan mo nang maglayag, mag-isa. Sapagkat ilang beses mong pinili na lumisan sa dalampasigan ng ating tahanan. Patawad. Hindi kami ang sumuko, ikaw ang bumitaw. At patawad, kung hindi na kami umaasa na darating ang araw, na makita mo naman... Makita mo naman na kami ang tunay mong dalampasigan.

[starsinasyringe]

You, Me and Acne

Back in college, I have had acne breakouts but I considered it normal as I was stressed with school work, and had no skin care routine. I would get a zit whenever my period draws near, if ever I have it. I have irregular periods and I honestly did not mind because I tend to forget it, being busy with deadlines, exams and all that jazz. 

When I graduated finally had work (2012), I started using cleansers and toners. I also learned to put on some make-up, and as time progressed, I became more and more concerned with skin care as I learned its benefits. Come 2013, I found out that my irregular period was caused by my hormonal problem and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Sydrome (PCOS). I tried different brands, got acne breakouts and bad headaches, until I found the brand that matched me well- Gracial. I used it since 2014 until early this year, but decided to try a different approach as my depression and anxiety have gotten worse, and several researches have proven that it is linked to the use of oral contraceptive pills (OCPs). So, I stopped using Gracial and my oh my, I was stuck in bed for a week as the withdrawal symtoms hit me with the worse headache!!! My OB Gyne said that I really need medication and if I don’t want OCPs, we should try the non-contraceptive version. We did and it did not work well. I had spotting only, and felt really dry- down there and even my skin. So, I decided to go back to using OCP and she recommended Yaz... an expensive brand, but according to my OB was a fave among her patients. She said that most her patients lost weight because of it and even had glowing skin. And here is when my problem comes. I started using it in July and had two packs until now. 

Here is my face before Yaz:

And here is my face after it: 

It is not that noticeable on photos, but up close, I feel so sad whenever I see my face on the mirror. As you can see on the previous photos, I was confident having no make-up or taking photos even when I have just woken up but now.... It just makes me so frustrated not knowing what I did wrong. 

Here are the products I have tried trying to solve the problem:

I started using the Celeteque products when the acne were just one or two per week. And I continued to use it as the breakouts got worse. But I was forced to try other products to ease the pain brought by the breaskouts. They were cystic acnes and it hurts so so bad. You can see the Pond’s Acne Clear  facial wash that I tried for a week to no effect. 

The Human Nature products was my effort to use organic products. But their acne gel did nothing. It did lessen the redness but the pain is still there, also, it does not dry up the pimple. It just makes it less red, but the pus is still inside so I am left with bumps on my face that aches big time! The oil also did not lighten it one bit. I even tried the oil on my armpit area, but it just made it dry. So I stopped using it, you can see it still has products inside. 

Right now, I am using Garnier’s Pure-Active Acne & Oil Clearing Foam Wash and Toner. It does calm my pimples a bit, but no significant changes aside from that. I also tried using the Teranex on my face and though it does keep oil away, and make my skin feel smooth, it does nothing to the pimples. I am trying to survive using this until payday, when I can try the other products that friends have advised me.  

For now, in addition to these, I have been make-up free (except by putting on eyebrows) for three days. I have also been putting BL Cream to ease the inflammation. 

Sigh. I really don’t know now what to do. I feel so hopeless and helpless. PCOS have made me fat as it makes my metabolism slower and sugar intake becomes a mortal sin. I have started trying to eat healthier and am hoping to survive without any white carbs. I have long avoided fast foods and only ate when no other place is available. I also changed my OCP again and is now using Dianne. I don’t know. I really don’t know what else to do. 

[starsinasyringe]

縛り

Shibari, more correctly known as Kinbaku is an ancient Japanese artistic form of rope bondage that has many styles and uses. It is related in style to other traditional Japanese arts such as Ikebana, Sumi-e (black ink painting) and Chanoyu (the tea ceremony). Among the many uses of Shibari are dynamic living sculpture, shared meditative practice, deep relaxation for flexibility of mind and body, expression of power exchange, and intimate erotic restraint. In Shibari (the action of tying someone up) the Nawashi (rope artist) creates almost geometric patterns and shapes that contrast wonderfully with the female body's natural curves and recesses. Visually, the tight ropes and their texture provide a counterpoint to smooth skin and curves. The hard edges of the rope reinforce the softness of the body's graceful shape: the model is like a canvas, and the rope is paint and brush."

Source: http://www.hikarikesho.com/eng/shibari.php Gear: Canon550D + 50mm f1.8  Individual uploads on my photoxlit blog (splitsecondeternities.tumblr.com).

[starsinasyringe]

// Pamilya Ordinaryo

I always plan to go to the Cinemalaya Festival but for three consecutive years, my schedule never matches with the movies I want to watch. I end up resorting to watching (and feeling sorry for myself) the trailers and hoping that the ones that caught my attention would be shown in the cinemas. 

Since last week, I have been stalking Pamilya Ordinaryo’s official website and waiting for it to finally be shown in Robinson’s Manila, the nearest mall. I got my heart broken last week because their page said it would be shown in Robinson’s Manila but when I checked the shcedules, Pamilya Ordinaryo wasn’t there. Zion and I even checked and went to Robinson’s Manila to check, but nope. 

Yesterday, the movie’s page posted that it has schedules on SM Manila and sadly, I have gradschool class until 7:30pm. Luckily, Zion has no work so... we can take the 9PM schedule!

Class ended a bit earlier and we immediately went to SM Manila and opted to but tickets before eating.

We ate at 8 Street Bites and had their Chicken Fingers. It was good and very tasty. (I had some leftovers and ate it for breakfat; it was still moist!)

Afterwards, we met with Shiro and Tinz who I kind of harassed to join us in the 9PM showing. (They can watch the 6:15PM showing, but it’s more fun to watch movies with friends, right?). 

About the movie: Pamilya Ordinaryo

As expected of independently produced films, the cameras were hand held and made to shoot as if you are part of the scene. Even then, it did not run short on setting the mood and encapsulating the world the characters live. Zion and I were whispering back and forth as we try to decipher where the places were. 

The researcher did a really good job. You see, indie films tend to exaggerate or romanticize poverty, but this one did not nit-pick on it, but rather presented it merely as part of the narrative. Some movies try to showcase poverty as this doom and misery, and I hate that.This movie took poverty as a ground where the entire plot was placed, but it showed how these people are still human- they find joy in simple things, they laugh and even with the struggle, they live. And I think, that is the reality and that is how it must be shown- sincere and raw. 

The actors who played the main roles Aries and Jane  did an excellent job. Jane showed innocence yet amidst the chaos, she remained a mother. Her character development was a sight to behold and I was left at awe during the ending when she made that choice. The scriptwriter captured how they really act and talk, and the way they speak. 

One scene struck me most was that within the police station, when Jane was asking for help. Tangina, alam ko na ganon ang mangyayari eh. Pero masakit pa din sa puso. 

What left me a bit discontent however was the ending. Maybe I was expecting a tragic one, or one that comes to a shocking halt. But no, it left you thinking... waiting. Well, we actually waited until the credits rolled off. 

All in all, as what most indie films do, it left me more aware and curious and if that is not what makes a good movie for you, then I don’t know what is. 

[starsinasyringe]

Piring. Busal. Tanikala.

Piring. Pikit-mata. Kailangang pikit mata na sumunod. Malinaw ang nalalaman, ngunit... Busal. Tikom ang bibig. Dapat na manahimik. Malakas ang sigaw at ito at aking naririnig, ngunit... Tanikala. Nakagapos ang mga kamay ko, at ang ulo ay pwersahang ipinatungo. Hawak ko ang tama, ngunit... Ako ay alipin lamang. At sila ang may kapangyarihan. Nakakapagod ng gamitin. Nakakapagod ng magsinungaling.

[starsinasyringe]

Zion impulsively dragged me to a jewelry store the other day. The salesman offered us couple rings, and then, my boyfriend suddenly says "May engagement ring kayo?". Nanlamig ako beh. HAHAHAHAHA. And he asked me to choose. And I explained to him of my preference for minimalist rings. When I dragged him out, he told me "Dapat nagpasukat ka na eh, para alam ko sukat mo". I lifted my swollen fingers which looked like longganisa because I was having allergic reaction. Well, i guess he'd have to guess my size lol.

[starsinasyringe]

What It's Like to Have 'High-Functioning' Anxiety

"It’s when you’re social enough to get invited to things, but so often find yourself standing in a room where it feels like no one knows you."

This piece perfectly describes how my anxiety feels. This is how I am. THIS IS ME.