steal my grief

they/she/he, queer, overall mess, searching for a place to bury my grief

[stealmygrief]

Hi :)

I am in my early twenties. I love literature, art and language learning. Big fan of classics and speculative fiction. I am queer in a conservative country. My mental health has been fucked for a long time but I am trying to get better now. So I have decided to share my thoughts on things I love to feel less lonely.

Would also love to discuss how life is being a queer person, I have only one gay acquaintance irl.

Some favorites

(Works)

Near to the Wild Heart

Giovanni's Room

No Longer Human

Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov

This is How You Lose the Time War

She Who Became the Sun

The Goblin Emperor

The Earthsea Cycle

I Who Have Never Known Men

The Mill on the Floss

(Authors)

Clarice Lispector

Virginia Woolf

Dazai Osamu

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Ursula K. Le Guin

R. F. Kuang

I am learning Japanese and also enjoy anime occasionally. I draw sometimes but my art sucks.

This is NOT a safe space for bigots, stay the fuck away.

[horroronnie]

how can you claim to be an anarchist when you're so shallow and uneducated? maybe it irritates me. a lot.

[stealmygrief]

Is it alright if I am never able to find the right label for myself? Over the years I have wondered what flavor of queer I actually am. Bi? Lesbian? Aroace? Nonbinary? Agender? Transmasc? Or just a poser?

I can relate to all of these and at the same time I feel a sense of wrongness. I don't think I am capable of being in a relationship and I hate physical touch. Because of this I have never felt any desire to put myself out there.

Maybe I am just traumatized.

All ik for certain is I experience very intense alterous attraction towards certain people. It gives me a high but it's also painful as hell. The love I feel is so different from anything I have ever heard being described by anyone. I don't know what to do with it. Where to go with my yearning....

[ezra-the-ghost-cat]

I think what I want is a qpr. I want a relationship with someone where the dynamic is "we understand each other on a deeper level than anyone else in our lives, let's kiss about it" and it not be romantic. Can anyone hear me.

[aro-ace-culture-is]

aroace alterous culture is your friends complaining about having a crush on someone and you telling them to just say that you have a crush on them omg communication is key!!

while also wanting to be in a relationship with them outside of the platonic, sexual, and romantic boundries.... and not telling them for the same reasons they arent telling their crush they have a crush on them........ :D

.

[stealmygrief]

One of the most invalidating experiences I have had as a queer person is when straight women who are supposedly my friends say, "You get so much attention from guys, you should explore them. What a waste, you are attractive and guys hit on you but you are gay." And they get miffed if I stay quiet when they are gushing over boys.

I have repeatedly told them I am NOT physically attracted to men, like stfu, but they don't take me seriously. I don't know how I should deal with this.

How will I ever open up about also being non binary and on the aroace spectrum.....cursed to be closeted forever.

[stealmygrief]

While learning Japanese, I came across an expression 「遊生夢死」, which loosely translates to 'living idly and dying as if dreaming'. If this is not a perfect description of what a life spent daydreaming maladaptively feels like......

I have dreamed my life away, I am so used to it now: being lost in an idle reverie all the time. And when death visits me some day, I am afraid I might not be able to take that seriously, even my own end would feel just like a dream. For in my fantasies, I have been on so many adventures, fought for my life and values, loved, grieved, died.....I have already done everything. What is death in real life to me then when I have already experienced that in my mind? It's just another dream.

[stealmygrief]

Being in a friendship where the other person likes you more than you like them is such a heartrending experience. You feel guilty for not returning their affection. Because when someone adores me so much, looks at me with love, how can I turn them down without hurting them? This goes for both platonic or romantic affection.

Yet, pretending to like them back only makes things worse. It inevitably leads to you feeling emotionally exhausted by forcing yourself to be something you are not. In my case, all communication fell on deaf ears. Requests to distance myself led to blow ups. 'You have to bear with me because I love you and you can't leave me because I am so attached to you.'

I am at a point where I can't take this anymore. I want to end things. I have started hating them. They love to quarrel about little things and call it being intimate friends. Whereas, fighting with close ones is absolutely traumatizing for me. I want to run away. But they still like me, they desire that we completely entangle our lives. I am getting torn apart by the guilt of abandoning them. But I have to do that for the sake of my own mental health.

I wish I had never gotten myself into this mess, had stronger boundaries. Now I have to be cruel to my friend and I am only going to hurt them more. How will I ever atone for my sins?

[aschraart]

Robin and Ramy ~ Babel by R.F Kuang

[vivilanlu]

Most of the mischaracterization Riza suffers from wouldn’t be nearly as popular if people actually understood why she follows Roy and it isn’t just love and loyalty.

One of the main reasons she stays by his side is because she sees herself as the guardian of flame alchemy. She’s trying to make sure of two things: 1. no one ever gets their hands on it again. and 2. the only person who can use it never misuses it again. That’s why she follows him. She has to. She’s watching the weapon she helped create.

And she has to keep him alive not only because he’s the one with the political power (meaning he’s her only real way to make sure the trials happen), but because he has to live long enough to atone for what he did with flame alchemy. The power SHE gave him.

From Riza’s point of view, every crime Mustang commits is hers too. Every time flame alchemy is used to kill that blood is on her hands too. Every person he killed is someone she killed by proxy.

She’s not just guarding him. She’s sharing his guilt. It’s like she’s trying to atone for her own sins, but he has to atone too so she can atone through him.

I think this Hannibal quote fits them really well: “You and I have begun to blur. Every crime of yours feels like one I’m guilty of.” Like yeah she obviously loves him. But reducing their relationship to just that completely flattens what’s actually going on.

[igniiies]

Grushenka and Katya. The girls are so different yet somehow they both stuck in the similar situation for a moment… just love the complexity between them. It kinda makes me wanna draw a moment where they’re each stuck in their own mess but still glancing back at one another.

[bebs-art-gallery]

Two Women Kissing in Nature (b. 1859)

— by Georges Rochegrosse

[aaeeden]

Here are some sketches based on my favorite book by F. Dostoevsky, 'The Brothers Karamazov'

Grushenka (Agrafena Alexandrovna)

The Elder Zosima

And my beloved Alyosha Karamazov

P. S. Thank God that I can read Russian literature in the original

[midnightcrisisstuff]

actually no, we're not "dating". we're bound together for infinity. like the stars. so, fuck you, actually.

[stealmygrief]

Does anyone think of Mustang and Hawkeye from FMA as so queerplatonic coded? Like it's never mentioned explicitly that there is any romantic or sexual attraction between them. But god, they are so much in love. Hawkeye is the most important person in the world to Mustang and she feels the same about him. They have been through so much together, they have secret ways of understanding the other without saying a word. Throughtout the series their love is just so apparent. Everyone knows that the two are partners just not the conventional kind.

Idc what anyone says but to me the two will always be a queerplatonic ship, I need that representation in my life 😭

[stealmygrief]

anyone on here who has lost years of life to daydreaming? time has passed me by, my shoulders bear the weight of an unlived existence. i keep going back to the same old fantasy. i am trapped within it but i do not even wish to escape. all i am left with is grief of i don't even know what.

[knucklexvelvet]

I love being a loser girl like yesss!!! omg go stay in your bedroom all day and listen to music, watch movies, read fan fiction, ughh this is the life!!