my spec script for a letterkenny cold open
[Wayne standing outside barn]
WAYNE: Your good buddy came back from the city the other dayโฆ
KATY: Dary, you better tuck in that bottom lip before a bird comes by and poops on it.
DAN: Yeah Daryls, yer lookin a little perturbeds over there.
DARY: Itโs justโฆ I seen something when I was in the city.
WAYNE: Probably another brunch bistro, fuckinโ citiots.
KATY: $15 for a sandwich. Pull your finger outta your ass.
WAYNE: Thatโs what I said, I said pull your finger outta yer ass.
DAN: So whatโs the rumpus, Grumpus?
DARY: One night I ended up at a club with Danโs second cousint.
DARY: And on the dance floor at this club, we seen this quirked-up white boy.
[Wayne sits up in his chair]
WAYNE: Quirked-upโฆ white boy?
DARY: Quirked-up white boy.
DAN: You means like a skid?
KATY: More like a methed-up white boy.
WAYNE: Quirked upโฆ white boy.
DARY: White boy was quirked up.
KATY: The Quirks of Being a Wallflower.
WAYNE: Was he quirkinโ hard orโฆ hardly quirkinโ?
DARY: Oh, he was quirkinโ 9 to 5.
DAN: Probably wearings his Quirkenstocks.
KATY: No need for a knee-quirk reaction.
DAN: No swags though, thatโs for sure.
WAYNE: Oh, thereโs no way he had any swag, thereโs no GODdamn way.
KATY: No swag on a quirked up white boy.
DARY: He had a little bit of swag.
DAN: Now Daryls, we all seen a quirked-up white boy with a TimBits of swag from time to times.
DARY: I know, butโฆ itโs almost not worth thinkinโ about.
WAYNE: Get this guy a fuckinโ Puppers.
KATY: I shoulda packed a lunch for this.
DARY: My point is, he was busting it down sexual style.
WAYNE: Busting it downโฆ sexual style?
DARY: This quirked up white boy, with just bits and bites of swag, was busting it down sexual style.
DAN: How was it sexual styles?
DARY: I canโt really describe it. You know it when you see it.
KATY: Iโm just saying, when you see a white boy bust it down, you can tell if itโs sexual style.
DAN: Yโknow, Miss Katys, Professor Tricia saysโ
DARY: It was definitely sexual style.
WAYNE: OK Dary. Dary, OK. So youโre sayingโฆ this was a quirked-up white boyโฆ with 16-bit of swagโฆ busting it downโฆ sexual style.
DARY: Quirked-up white boy, with a mosquito bit of swag, busting it down sexual style.
DAN: Canโt say I see a problems here.
WAYNE: Thatโs what I said, I said figger it out.
DARY: I AM trying to figure it out! And what Iโm trying to figure out isโฆ
DARY: โฆis he goated with the sauce?
WAYNE: Goatedโฆ with the sauce.
DAN: Goateds with the sauce?
DARY: Goated with the sauce.
KATY: A quirked-up white boyโฆ with a Ritz Bit of swagโฆ busting it down sexual styleโฆ and you want to know if heโs goated with the sauce?
DARY: Almost not worth thinkinโ about.
WAYNE: Get this guy a fuckinโ Puppers.
DAN: Well, Daryls, given the evidence as laid out befores usโฆ It seems fair to assumes heโs goated with the marinaras.
KATY: Goated with the Cholula.
DARY: So heโs goated with the chimichurri?
WAYNE: Goated with the Mae Ploy.
KATY: Rick and Morty Szechuan.
DARY: Quirked-up white boy is goated!
KATY: Wonder if heโs single.
DAN: Thatโs goated if I ever seent it.
[cut back to Wayne in front of the barn]
WAYNE: โฆwith the sauce.
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