A guide to fucking your way across the galaxy, by someone who’s never played Mass Effect and only looked up pictures on the wiki.
Asari- Fuckabilty Score: 7/10. Okay, these ladies are cute, I get that. They got that nice tentacle hair and freckles, giving points in their favor. But as far as interesting aliens go, eh. They’re blue. I could paint myself blue and fuck myself, call it a Friday night, but that’s not exactly why we’re going to space, is it? These ladies seem predictable, like they’d maybe want a nice dinner first. And that’s fine. I’m sure they’d make great girlfriends, and who knows? Maybe you guys could settle down somewhere, farm weird creatures with assholes for mouths. Life could be great. Yawn.
Drell- Fuckabilty Score: 9/10. Oh, hi, what’s up? Those are some really nice eyes. And that’s a good pout there, that’s a real nice looking mouth. I bet these guys are just the best kissers. I see some gills, I bet they like having those tickled a little bit, kinky fucking bastards. Good nose bridge. This is the type of person to kiss in between your knuckles and then completely dive headfirst into your pussy for an hour. Points deducted for predictable human shape.
Elcor- Fuckabilty Score: 2/10. I’m seeing some fucked up mouths here, which is normally my thing, but I’m also noticing they move slow and have heightened olfactory senses? Which, I mean. This guy isn’t gonna eat ass is what I’m saying. This guy is going to take an hour and a half to get your shirt off and not in the fun, sexy, teasing way. I think we’re gonna be way out of sync here, and there’s not even any appealing tentacles or mating spikes.
Hanar- Fuckabilty Score: 10/10. SERIOUSLY. A gorgeous specimen, a beautiful bag of jelly. Which end is up? Who cares? They have wonderful tentacles, long and smooth and prehensile? Lift me into your arms, you erotic bag of goo. And that echoing voice, shit. I’ll listen to that one talk dirty for three fuckin hours man. Triple penetration was never this good. Suspension bondage your thing? Man, have I got an alien for you. This is space, right? I’m sure there’s some low gravity room or some shit, get in there, get lifted into the air, snug against the soft body, firm tentacles probing every last orifice… Sign me up for Space School or whatever, I want to bang a Hanar.
Keepers- Fuckabilty Score: 1/10. Points for four legs. But apparently if you touch them, they dissolve themselves? I just changed my fucking space sheets man.
Salarians- Fuckabilty Score: 3/10. So, looks like we have long limbs, pretty eyes and a really interesting scalp groove. Maybe they like getting that groove rubbed. They’re long and lean, which can be fun in its own way, but they also do everything fast. And, while there’s something to be said for fast and passionate, I’d like my space quickie to maybe last longer than thirty seconds? There’s also not a lot of ladies, and they lay eggs, and frankly, I need something a little more that squatting on the floor and watching my lizard lover ejaculate in front of me.
Turians - Fuckabilty Score: 6/10. Hey, I like these legs. They got those awkward knees and weird spurs that look like the could be fun. No lips though, and you know how I like a nice mouth. Turians are the type of guy that talks big, telling you about the deep dicking you’re gonna get but once you take his trousers down, you’re presented with a cloaca and now what are you gonna do?
Volus- Fuckabilty Score: 2/10. Okay, pressure suits. So. Hmm. What happens now? Do you striptease? Maybe you’re an exhibitionist and this is your thing. You could masturbate in front of it. I guess? Maybe exhibitionism and gas masks are your kink. Have at it, friend. At least you won’t get Space Chlamydia.
Batarians- Fuckabilty Score: 1/10. Four eyes and eight nostrils, now we’re talking! Basically next to no lips though. They appear to be space criminals and I do like a bad boy, but I also prefer one without Richard Nixon jowls. Pass.
Collectors- Fuckabilty Score: 9/10. I’m already naked. Four shining eyes, an exoskeleton, and ~ridges~ on the shoulders? These guys can buy me a one way ticket to pound town. They can collect my ass. They can take me two at once, let’s do this. Points deducted for weird scissor mouth.
Geth- Fuckabilty Score: 7/10. That eye looks like it could blind you and I’m not sure anyone needs to see me in that bright of a light, but hot damn, look at those ropy muscles. And those are some long fingers. And they’re sorta robotic? I think? I’ll fuck a robot, who cares. Let’s do this. Points deducted for lack of any sort of mouth.
Krogan- Fuckabilty Score 6/10. Again with the cloaca. That’s a nice smile though, a real cute one. This is the kind of alien that likes a good cuddle. They’re the strong but soft type. A Krogan will eat your ass for a long time and then read you a murder mystery while you fall asleep. I bet the lady Krogans are super awesome. I bet they have a soft belly and they giggle when you tickle them.
Leviathans- Fuckabilty Score 8/10. “Like the Reapers that were designed after them, the Leviathans are massive in size and possess a resemblance to Earth cuttlefish or squid.” Yes, go on. “Two sets of three eyes are embedded symmetrically on the lower dorsal surface of the body. Several tentacle-like appendages extend below the body and from the sides. The Leviathans’ exterior is covered in bony, heavily ridged plates.” You’re speaking my language, yes. Please continue.
“The Leviathans possess the natural ability to influence the behaviors of lesser-minded organisms to the point of complete physical and mental control, an effect that is similar to indoctrination. They can use this ability to communicate with other beings in a manner similar to telepathy, as well as to turn them into thralls.” Kinky. I like it. “The exact mechanics of this ability are unknown, but it has been compared to the rachni’s theorized ability to communicate using an organic quantum entanglement communicator analogue that stimulates neural activity.” I don’t know what this means, but if we’re talking telepathic sex, I am all ears. “Over-exertion of this mind-control ability causes nosebleeds in humans, and in extreme cases can lead to brain damage and death.” Risky! Sign me up, where’s my special Leviathan Fucking Napkin for my nose?
Quarians- Fuckabilty Score 4/10. Like the Asari, these are human shaped. Their legs bow out a little. Cool. They look cute, they look interesting and I like the body shapes, but honestly, Space, You can do better than this. Wait…what’s this on the wiki? “Male quarians, appear to lack a third toe.” Well, that’s just fuckin weird man
Reapers- Fuckabilty Score: 9/10. Extra points added for being squid shaped, and a huge bonus for fulfilling my voice kink quota. These are the ones that go “BRAAAAAMMMMM” in the beginning of the series and also a lot through the series. I don’t know exactly how I’m gonna fuck this thing, but I’m going to give it the time of its life. I’ll get up inside its asshole myself and rub that Reaper G-Spot until it cries my name and BRAAAAAAAMMMMMs all over the galaxy.
Vorcha- Fuckabilty Score: 2/10 or 8/10, depending. Pretty red eyes, you got there, Pal. And I like your cute forehead tunnels. I wonder if there’s sensitive areas in there, if you can stick your dick in there. Cause the dick is not going anywhere near a Vorcha’s mouth. No. Not at all. And Vorchas don’t eat pussy. Or ass. So, you’re gonna have to be smart about it. One thing Vorchas love is getting fucked. You can ride that double headed corkscrew dick, or you can get a falsie and bend your new Vorcha lover over a table and go to town. They love that. They’ll send you a bouquet of fish later in thanks. I’ve seen that bondage outfit they wear. Those fuckers are kinky as shit and provided you guys pick a great safeword, you’ll be in for the time of your life.
Yahg- Fuckabilty Score: 8/10. For the bear lovers. Big, rippling muscles. Looks like they got a gut too. Eight eyes though. That’s…something. They look veiny as fuck, so if you like the ‘roided out look, you’re in for a ride. According to the guide, they’re good at reading body language so they probably know exactly what’s working for you. Go for it. Bring more than one condom.
Protheans- Fuckabilty Score 10/10. We’ve got some good shit here. Goooooooood shit. Okay. Let’s go down the list. One, carapace. We all know how much I love carapace. Two, four eyes, that’s real nice. Don’t make me think I’m fucking a human. Three, learning by touch?? I am 100 per cent on board with this idea. Four: Interesting mouth. Not as pretty as Mr Pepe up there, but I like the weird ass lines through it. Five: Nice voice, Prothean Pal. Also, not likely to kill me by dicking.
Rachni- Fuckabilty Score: 0/10. This is a shrimp. Even I’m not that gross.
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