remnants

love and detours

[stepiphanies]

"..and up until now,

I had sworn to myself

That I'm content,

With loneliness.."

\\the only exception - Paramore

[stepiphanies]

Ar. Stephanie B. Bucog, Ph. D

[stepiphanies]

Come, my love, as i paint your face into an empty canvas, tracing every details of you; from your mischievous smirks and mysterious deep brown eyes, up to your messy dark hair, and your head that filled with so much thoughts that screaming in silence, in which i always hear. Come, as i make it more alive and realsome.

Come, my love, as i strung my fingers on my untuned guitar that my father gave me when i was sixteen. As i play to you some random songs from your messy playlist that seem unnoticed, because i know deep too well how you care less to music.

Come, my love, as your head begun to jerk, and my shoulders shrunk unto an unusual load of happiness and contentment that you can only seem to give; like how your hands interlock with mine, entwining it with so much joy and euphoria. Come, as i slid myself into that moment, with you, never wanting to have an end.

Come, my love, as we go deeper and deeper of our love; the thing that we have. The thing that we share under every mask of unshaded moonlit sky. The thing that make us alive for a quite little span of time.

Come, as we knew it's ending. As you slowly wake up from sleeping peacefully on my shoulders and as you eventually lose grip when you finally made sense to reality.

Come, as it's almost sunrise, and you need to let go.

Come, as i left here with the moon and hope of nothingness.

As you bid your "good bye and see you soon".

Come, my love, would you still?

'Coz I've been waiting for you for so long...

-s.b // come, my love

82720

[stepiphanies]

she sat alone in a four cornered empty room, looking helplessly to the moon through her dusty window pane, trying to anticipate all the eluded feeling of torment inside her being. they named it fear.

she tried to wrapped herself with blankets of misery; the helpless feeling of sorrow and grief that overflowing on her wrist in crimson red, that everyone seem to noticed, and named it fear.

she wore her clothes that weaved from fine thread of sadness that she cannot undress, and acourted her loneliness as a belt around her waist, with a round of despair that coiled around her neck; they named it fear.

she covered herself with so much strength and courage and call it bravery. And yet, the only thing they see, is fear.

-s.b

81620

[stepiphanies]

"this would be the last time we see each other, right?"

you asked me, eyes fixed with mine. i dont know what to say. it's 8:15 and i just came here. i walked a long way from home after receiving a message from you. same old meeting place and time. i didn't know u will come a little earlier. or have u been here for awhile now? how would i know? you didn't even say hello.

the night was still young, but the wind is starting to get colder. u were on your usual get up with your favorite jacket on, while i was on my pajamas with nothing to protect myself from the breeze. Did u plan this? u looked so well and ready. but, how would i know? you didn't even say hello.

i didn't know why you'd reached out. it has been months since you'd left me. we stopped talking and i gave you your peace. i thought u were mad at me, because that was the last words you told me. i don't blame you though, i was messed up. well, maybe i still am but atleast now that i am alone, i couldn't hurt anyone else anymore but myself. i won't tell you that though. why would i? you didn't even say hello.

i still couldn't keep but wonder why you'd came here. you have her right? the person you told me you both have nothing but friendship? what happened now? Did u two end up together? i wanna know why, well, maybe i shouldn't anymore. you never said hi.

the night's getting deeper and your eyes is still fixed with mine. it tells a thousands stories and it still reflects the soul you still have inside. and yet, i still didn't know what to say. it has been months without you. and though i couldn't admit ive been more comfortable being alone, i couldn't pretend i didn't miss you either.

this would be the last time we see each other coz im leaving by tomorrow. but how would you expect me to say my goodbye when you never even said your hello?

-s.b

81620

[stepiphanies]

You have disappeared like a falling star

In an ocean of heavy constellations

And there's nothing I would like to tell you,

Even a smallest thing I would like to ask

There's just no words I could get in scratch

No words could undo the hurt

But I'll wait for you my love,

Not because you told me so

But becuse, I have to.

And 'til the oceans of hope finally come into my feet,

Bringing all the dreams and wishes, adrifted,

In the universe of us,

I'll wait for you 'til dawn,

'til the disappearance of the moon

Under a silent sky

In a place where we both knew

With the unforgotten promise I held from you

A future, in which you had left me for

I will wait for you 'til dusk of morning sunshines

'Til you look back

And see me

Standing right here

On the same spot

where you'd left me,

my love,

You have disappeared like a falling star

like which i have freed from the ocean of heavy constellations

You said I'll wait for you

And i will my love,

Not because you told me so,

But because, I love you..

- s.b || I'll wait

001120

[stepiphanies]

You don't have to kill anyone by physical just to be called yourself a murderer, love. Because the moment you told me its over, my world crashed into pieces. My skin ripped out revealing an unhealed scars and broken fragments. My days turned to long void nights and narrow darknesses. My heart exploded like a loaded gun, directing all our memories. My mind cycled to an endless thoughts, consuming all my vulnerabilities. You'd stabbed me multiple times with your touch and killed me instantly with your whisper — 'I love you'.

You told me to watch out for the enemies, for they might struck me without warning. But love, I was careless.

And so I bleed.

Because after all this time, I didn't know it was you.

-steph. b || Culprit

091719

[stepiphanies]

just when i thought i can no longer feel my heart beat again, you came.

like a flash of numbers quickly as one to ten, you lifted the sun to shine on me and you made me feel alive again. because once, i let you in, with nothing but a glimpse of hope that you might want me til the end. now two, you started talking about the stars, wishes, your dreams and maybe someday, of me, too. three, the night sky may be silent but my heart, every time you told me it's yours, are fleeting with so much joy and euphoria. four, the inability for me to hide what i feel whenever you told me i'm beautiful. five, my heart, you made it whole again, piece by piece, but i couldn't make it visible to you, just yet. now six, i let you in, but this time, deeper. seven, i started talking about the stars and why i don't believe in wishes. and about my dreams, how it's long gone, that made you think i was different from the people you've had met. eight, for the first time, i heard the sound of the noisy night sky, holding me back, saying, i should not go out in the dark, neither hide from it. but love, im more afraid of losing you. so nine, i unravel my guards down for you and despite the tormenting pain of knowing the possibility, i've had let you see the darkest parts of me.

but ten, just like that, you left,

even after all i ever asked from you is to stay.

-s.b || will you stay even after knowing the worst part of me?

july 19, 2019

[stepiphanies]

forgetting you

you told me to forget you once. but dearest, forgetting you is like remembering all our exchanged phone txts' from 'hellos' and 'how are yous' , to our morning and midnight phone calls about the world and nothingness 'til we both get tired and sleepy. it's like remembering how you stayed patiently outside the campus, waiting for me, and securing my safety 'til i get home. it's like remembering your goofiness; your careful confessions and one liners, that gives me butterflies on my stomach and constantly making me feel like i'm worthy enough of your love every single day of my life. it is like remembering your love when i'm at my lowest, your genuine smile that gives me hope, your warm embrace that gives me comfort, your touch that gives assurance and your eyes, the way it looked at me; communicating my soul in complete positivity.

you see love, perhaps forgetting is like a form of remembering — the times you were here.

so instead, tell me otherwise,

maybe then i could accept that you're no longer here now, but a memory — a part of who i once were.

- s.b.

[stepiphanies]

mementos

throughout the moments we'd been together and the silly things i'd kept; like the receipts of our favourite fast food chains with a date and our signatures at the back, every stubs from movies we'd seen, every bus tickets and wrapper candies you'd offered when we travelled at Saturdays.

the silly scientific calculator i borrowed from you during Math class, forgetting to bring mine. the Christian bracelet you brought for yourself that i harbour, and your tee-shirts that i haven't got the chance to return the last time.

i don’t know what i was thinking back then because now that we’re apart, the stuffs i'd been keeping in a box like a treasure, no longer gives me comfort like it used to. because now, it gives me pain and a void feeling of missing you; of wanting you back here with me.

and returning these to you now would probably be pointless, because the last time we talked about these mementos, anger filled your being, and the love i'd used to see in your eyes, now turned into hatred. so instead of having it back, you told me to keep it. and i understand why you no longer feel the need of keeping it, because i know these things would only remind you of me.

but love, unlike you, these things that weren't mine but in my possession, will forever remain here — even if, it won't make you come back to me,

even if, it won't make me forget you..

-s.b

5-4-19

[stepiphanies]

sober

earlier tonight, as i was letting myself drown with a cold bath, my phone rang. it was from an unregistered number that i had myself memorised. i knew it was you. you haven't change your contact number, have you?..

it has been a year since we drifted apart & tonight was supposedly a night full of us — that could be spent under a starry sky night like i dreamt of; or could be one lovely dinner at our favourite fancy restaurant near town that tasted so good. it could be where you'd ask me to dance in the middle of the crowd with a band that plays our favourite song, 'so close'..

i must say, i wasn't surprised you'd reached out. but, i hesitated to answer because i knew exactly what you'd say & i knew exactly how it would kill me.

"I still love you"

oh honey, i do too.

but,

can u tell me that when you're sober?

- s.b //sober

5.1.19

[stepiphanies]

to you who'd promised to stay but never did

i shouldn't have shown you all the battles that have been fought inside my mind every drunken midnights til 3 am, against pride and prejudice that inflected wound so deep within me that you pretended to understand. i shouldn't have let your hands brushed into mine and your warm embraces that unravel every inch of me, as if making me feel like i was safe with you around. i shouldn't have let myself drown with those bittersweet taste of whiskey you gave that made me believe that i shall be healed and better by the medicine of time.

i shouldn't have shown you all the marks on my wrist and the blood-stained handkerchiefs that i kept, as evidences that tell all the mysteries from the darkest crevices of my soul that was not easy to decipher but you said you saw the beauty in it and you told me it was bravery.

i shouldn't have shown you those things that made you decide to stay only to leave me behind with so much agony.

- s.b

4.18.19