The pic has nothing to do with my post. Just provides a bit of comic relief ;) as my posts are too introspective.
The gist of it is this - I don't trust that I know how to live my life. Moreover, there is a strong force in me that rebels against any action that I might take and this leaves me feeling paralyzed and feeling unable to analyze that feeling.
There is much that I know. That living a life in accordance with your values leads to living a life of fulfillment and contentment. But I question everything about my values. Although, when I think about it, perhaps I value honesty, creativity, humor, patience, compassion. If I bothered to apply these values to my life, I know I would benefit. Maybe I need to live in accordance with the patience and compassion values because I need to allow myself the space to figure out why I resist leaning into my life.
I'm sure a part of my difficulty comes from a generalized fear of life, which sounds silly (as many fears are) because I've lived life up until this point. The difference is that I've recently learned that I don't have to continue to live like a prisoner in the prison of my own mind, policing myself constantly to keep myself in check; no, I can live freely and trust myself, whatever that means. That would require allowing myself to learn basic things like listening to myself, trusting my gut, checking in with myself, marching to the beat of my own drum - things that my less compassionate part tends to beat me up over, telling me that I am TOO OLD to figure this stuff out. My rational part counters this and reminds me that there is no age limit on figuring things out and that, for many people, figuring things out is a lifelong learning journey. The less compassionate (let's be honest - punishing) part of me responds by spitting in the face of the rational part and derides such a response as a platitude and something that will never pan out, not for me anyway.
All the while, no part of me knows what my future will hold but the uncertainty of the future is too terrifying for me to embrace. So, rather than try anything, I step back into the prison cell of my mind and defer to the punishing part of me as, at least this part seems to be confident in what she is talking about, even if she also belittles me and makes me doubt my own capabilities.
Phew, I thought writing all of this would bring me clarity. Perhaps it didn't bring me the clarity that I expected, which is a clarity that resolves all uncertainty. No, this writing helped me think of more reasonable self-expectations - for example, to TRY to be patient and compassionate with myself, to TRY to have faith that listening to myself will sometimes provide me the answers that I seek, to TRY to be true to myself and show up for myself before trying to serve other people (because the people in my life have remained loyal regardless). And, when my faith and hope are low, I HAVE to at least TRY to lean on things like mindfulness, on buddhist chanting if I have to, on bending the ear of those who love me, so that I may navigate through these low times.
If I value honesty, then I need to face the facts - the advice I've given others applies to me - that there is almost always hope, there is almost always the possibility for things to improve, and progress is 100% not linear. I'm human so these facts apply to me, not just to other people. I need to be honest with myself by accepting these truths and living in accordance with them.
Okay, I feel more settled. Not happy but settled and that is definitely progress. I'm glad I remembered Tumblr's existence and have taken advantage of it. It's shown me that my mind is sound and can come to understand things about myself and the world, despite how jumbled and nonsensical my mind may FEEL.
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