Things I Never Said

This is my poetry blog - Donniehw

[strangerthingshavehapened]

A memoir

Damn I feel like shit today

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I felt the Earth stop spinning, even if for just a moment. In that moment it was as if nothing else existed. It was as if time itself had stepped away leaving the moon hanging in the sky for what seemed like a life time. The street was dimly lit from a yellowing lamp above and as we walked you stopped and gazed into my eyes. We kissed and the Earth screeched to a halt, leaving just the two us of alone, in the middle of the street at 2am. We pull away, you smile, and the Earth continued spinning once again. I felt the Earth stop spinning, even if for just a moment but that feeling fades further and further into the past as the days go on. I wonder if the Earth will ever stop again, even if for just a moment.

D.W. - "Even If for Just a Moment"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

There comes a time when everyone dies but my time came early and the lines became blurry. No one would have guessed that my young body would be possessed by a soul who, because of life and because of death, had grown as old as those who had drawn their last breath. When I died, I never thought that I would see that God was dead just like me. When I died I didn't see a deity. All I found was that God was just another absentee. And just like God my feelings were lost. They vanished when my life flashed before my eyes reminding me of every time I fucked up while I was alive because some times things don't end up like you'd hope but instead leave you hanging from a rope, waiting to drift away just to escape from this place that people call life and wishing you had actually died and stayed dead. Shit happens but it happens all wrong instead. Because if life doesn't kill you death surely will. So, what if everyone on earth had died and everyone's living someone else's life? Pause, stop, fast forward, rewind. Back up back through space and time. Everything's not what it seems especially when you seem to dream beyond existence and reality. I'm merely a soul possessing its own body. I'm simply an anomaly.

D.W. - "Your Ghost Called; He Wants His Skin Back"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I wake up but I don't know where I am or how I got here. My memory is hazy and my vision is blurred, the air is cool on my breath and the clock dimly lighting the room reads 7:09. As I slowly traverse my way to the door I see the ceiling is riddled with stars from which a makeshift gallows hangs crafted from my broken hopes and dreams and my newfound disbeliefs. The handle is cold to the touch and the door creeks open on its old hinges. I realize just how much my neck really hurts. The lights flash on. I'm in the looming hallway of a desolate house and a weight hangs on my eyelids and crawls through my veins, down my scarred arms, and into my fingertips because I'm no longer myself but instead, an empty shell of who I used to be. The house screams but silence is the only thing in the frigid air. There's another door just a few small steps away yearning, crying out for me to enter and with my heavy hands dragging behind me, lightly caressing the walls I slowly make my way inside. The door's methodically locked and the long-contemplated, last words were in place. On the counter, an orange container spills its miscellaneous, capsulated solutions for why I never smile and a fresh pool of implications of a failed attempt at suicide stains the tile. I sit on a chair of porcelain, taste the cold metal grace the roof of my mouth, swallow a bullet meant for two and paint red the white interior of my eternal prison where this never-ending tragedy finally concludes. A click, a flash, and then. Nothing.

D.W. - "Bathroom-Shaped Coffin"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

not a question, but if you're going through a hard time remember the best creativity comes from pain. <3 good luck with everything, you're a great writer.

Thanks so much, love. Indeed, I am going through a hard time. I'm working on getting better, though. It means a lot to hear you like my writing. Thanks again, love. <3

[strangerthingshavehapened]

Her hair is the autumn wind Her eyes are the lake's reflection She has asperatus clouds for skin And a setting sun for lips Her tongue is a babbling brook And her voice is the sound of a light rain her bones are the branches of redwood trees and their roots are her veins She has a wood cabin heart Protected by a dense forest rib cage For should anyone take refuge and start a fire it would set her whole body ablaze

D.W. - "Mother Nature's Rebellious Daughter"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I'm trying so very hard not to relapse, but music keeps coming on that reminds me of you. I smile and then try my damnedest not to cry because of the bittersweet memories. It's late now and the sun's gone down and the moon shines through my bedroom window and I'm crying. I'm crying and I just keep crying. I'm quiet as the tears run down my cheeks soaking the collar of my flannel shirt. I miss you and sometimes I just miss you badly. It's hard; feeling empty like this. I hope that wherever you are, you're happy. Or at least happier than me.

D.W. - "A Letter"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

Verse1: You have blonde hair and sky blue eyes and a storm that follows close behind If looks could kill you'd have a motive for murder You're innocence died long ago Buried in the back of your mind along with your dignity and self control You're only seventeen trying to grow up way too fast Along the way you treated me like shit so you can fucking kiss my ass Chorus: Fuck you and everything you've ever stood for My absence isn't just a metaphor Fuck you for everything you've done to me I won't look back when you see me leave So don't go calling me when everything comes crashing down It's my turn to be the one who was never around You never felt quite right without your pants unzipped so what did you expect The only thing we had in common was a bad case of loose lips Verse2: Breaking hearts just came naturally along with an addiction to tragedy Famous for being way too easy for someone who plays way too hard to get Mistaken for someone who drinks both to fuck and to forget I'll never wonder how you've been but if I did I'd just call the number in the bathroom stall You've spent more time in the same scene of his back seat than you have inside any four walls Chorus: Fuck you and everything you've ever stood for My absence isn't just a metaphor Fuck you for everything you've done to me I won't look back when you see me leave So don't go calling me when everything comes crashing down It's my turn to be the one who was never around You never felt quite right without your pants unzipped so what did you expect The only thing we had in common was a bad case of loose lips Bridge: I hope when you hear this fucking song you remember my smiling face and the permanent frown that you caused to take its place So this one goes out to you for everything we've put each other through (Whispered) Fuck you Chorus: Fuck you and everything you've ever stood for My absence isn't just a metaphor Fuck you for everything you've done to me I won't look back when you see me leave So don't go calling me when everything comes crashing down It's my turn to be the one who was never around You never felt quite right without your pants unzipped so what did you expect The only thing we had in common was a bad case of loose lips

D.W. - "Writing This Wasn't as Easy as I Thought You Were"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

We finally had something going but out of nowhere you dropped me. But it was too late because I was already falling except this time I hit the ground with a broken heart. We never made it passed square one; we were stuck at the start. Now I wear my heart on my sleeve like it's a cuff link shaped like the titanic 'cause in the end it was destined to sink. The only person who ever listens to me gets paid to do so hourly. I've lost my way but I've found my vice and if I'm not careful I'll lose my life. I remember all the times you were never there and the all time that you could never spare. I've been dead to you because of everything I put you through and the sky is finally caving in and I'm drowning inside of my own skin. I'll just watch you walk away and slowly disappear as this burning bridge decays. We haven't spoken in so long but now oh so suddenly it's hard for me stand and I'm struggling just to breathe. Where's my self control when I need it most? I haven't given in yet but oh I'm so close! Give me some piece of mind and just a little more time to regain my strength and composure. I've been trying to pick myself up for what seems like a lifetime and I'm not getting any closer! I'm having hallucinations of skeletons in my closet coming back to haunt me when I was certain that I'd long forgotten. I just can't bury this hatchet that's still cutting me down. Maybe they'll bury it with me when I'm 6 feet underground. Just don't say "I told you so" because I've known how this would turn out: waking up in yesterday's clothes and  hung-over on my living room couch. I'll be moving out in a year or two but I won't be moving on, I've still got those old pictures of us in my suitcase that I still carry with me and as the days pass I realize moving on isn't as easy as they made it out to be.

D.W. - "I've Got More Baggage Than Marry Poppins Could Carry"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

What I miss most about your smile are your canine teeth, the way your eyes turned into crescent moons, and the dimples in your cheeks. I miss how you sat, the way you half-way crossed your legs. I miss the way your freckles wandered down your neck and then across your chest. I miss the way your knuckles cracked and the way you arched your back. I miss your music taste, born in the 90's, three decades late. I miss riding with you in the passenger seat of your car. I miss the look on your face and then how you'd laugh when it wouldn't start. I miss the time we spent at the coffee shop and how we sat, sipped our coffee, and talked. I miss all the late nights that we spent, just us and our darkest secrets. I miss how we were back then, but while I'm missing you, you're missing him.

D.W. - "Tu Me Manque"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I'll go out and live it up again tonight 'cause it's the only thing that makes me forget I'm no longer alive. I'll trust a guy that I don't know to somehow get me back home, where I won't remember what happened the night before or the reasons my favourite records don't sound the same anymore. All the colours in the sky fade away leaving everything a gloomy shade of grey. 'Cause I've been feeling pretty down on my luck lately and I can't help but feel like I've been going crazy. I've got this new medication that I exchanged for my motivation 'cause I can't stand on my own two feet, not when the ground's still crumbling. I tried as hard as I could and I've done all that I could do, now I'm recovering from more than a hangover this afternoon. My mirror's a constant reminder of everything you ever said because every night I sleep with a noose around my neck. Ever since you disappeared, it's always raining here. My front door's wide open and I'm sitting drinking tea at my dinning room table and I think of you and it's suddenly bitter sweet. The rings on the table match the rings around my eyes and I'll relax as I sit and stare blankly outside. My mind starts to wander to places I don't want it to. It always seems to find it's way back to you. So, I'll refill my mug and walk gently out my front door and calmly make my way across the cold ,damp porch. Back to square one, back to where it had all begun. The pavement's cold but I don't mind. This is now where I spend most of my time, sitting on my porch steps looking out across the street and nothing's changed. It's still raining.

D.W. - "Rainy Days Come In Pairs"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I'm starting this off like I always do, miserable 'cause I've had a few, and revisiting memories of you. They were the colour blue. You really fucked me up this time around, but it's not the first time you've let me down. It's mid-July and all my days blur together. How the fuck am I supposed to turn eighteen in December? It's hitting me harder now than it ever did, because now I only have 6 months left to live. If I died tonight by my own hand, would you feel guilty, yet again? I've got my head held low so I won't care if you dare to wave hello. I'm on my roof gazing at this Starry Night so Vincent Van Gogh and stay out of my life. I hate the way you make me feel like every thing we had was real. I'm drowning in uncertainty but I swear you'll be the death of me. How in the hell did I wind up here? I've been trying to move on for over a year. But you moved on and moved away. Packed up your shit with nothing else to say. Somehow I doubt I'll see you around. Now I lay in my room, wide awake until 2, then sleep until noon, and wake up missing you. What the fuck do I do now? This constant silence is getting way too loud. I spent my whole life building up these walls, but when you finally tore them down, you didn't like what you saw. Your eyes changed to match the mood, slightly bloodshot and a lighter hue. They were the colour blue. I always loved you even if your parents say that they never did. I'll spend my nights less than sober and in my car, you'll cross my mind but I won't wonder where you are. How can I when I have so much on my mind? I'd risk my life to see you one more time. Then I'll see it flash before my eyes, and I didn't have a clue, it would be the colour blue.

D.W. - "The Colour Blue"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I'm suffocating, but I'm not sure why. You're not around anymore and I doubt I'll ever see you again. It started a year ago when I met this girl. She was amazing, to say the least. Little did either of us know, that within a year I would fuck up her life. I tried and tried and tried, but it never went quite right. Her parents hated me and now she does, too. Towards the end of it all a week went by and she never spoke to me, she only looked at me once. When I looked into her eyes, I could feel the anguish, the heartache, the emptiness. I knew that would be the last time I saw her, and a small part of me died. My depression is bad and my anxiety's worse, but crying or worrying about whether or not I could ever fix it never really did much anyway. I wish I could've kissed her, even once. We only ever hung out once; it was the first time I had coffee. We only hugged once and it was in the school parking lot late in the evening. But we never kissed, not even once. I doubt she'll ever read this, and if she did, I'm sure she wouldn't say a word.

D.W. - "I Never Even Got To Say Good-bye"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

Long-Sleeve Shirts Verse1: I was seven years old Struggling to teach my heart to not be so cold All the rumors were true I tried to kill myself back in grade school I was too young To know the monster I'd eventually become Chorus1: I was the kid in the long-sleeve shirt It's funny how things changed but I never learned I just couldn't bear to let anyone know All the secrets I was hiding underneath my clothes Under my long-sleeve shirt All the lessons that I never learned Under my long-sleeve shirt Verse2: I'm seventeen now Trying just to keep the sky from crashing to the ground And burdening my friends Who are just trying to keep me from doing my self in But these cigarettes Are barely able to keep my mind free of my regrets Chorus2: I am the kid in the long-sleeve shirt It's funny how things change but I'll never learn I just can't bear to let anyone know All the secrets that I'm hiding underneath my clothes Under my long-sleeve shirt All the lessons that I never learned Under my long-sleeve shirt Bridge: Memories leave scars That decorate our arms Telling the stories of A tragedy called love That's hidden underneath These old, worn-out sleeves Chorus3: I am the kid in the long-sleeve shirt It's funny how things change but I'll never learn I just can't bear to let anyone know All the secrets I've been hiding underneath my clothes Under my long-sleeve shirt All the lessons that I never learned Under my long-sleeve shirt (Safe For Now // The American Scene, Without The Bitter The Sweet Isn't As Sweet // Mayday Parade, I'll Follow You Into The Dark // Death Cab For Cutie)

D.W. - "Long-Sleeve Shirts"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

Here and gone again, just like the ocean's foamy waves. I can't help but miss the way you felt against my skin and the way you looked in the middle of the warm summer's night under the stars. I longed to delve deeper and discover your darkest secrets, but instead you left me stranded searching for answers that weren't there and wondering where I'd gone wrong.

D.W. - "SOS"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

I got an unexaggerated 3 hours of sleep. I dreamt of you and I. We were smiling, together. We spent the afternoon and a majority of the night in your car. The mix tape I made you played in the background, as we sat there, gazing up at the night sky in some vacant parking lot. You held my shaky hands and I was happy. I was actually happy, almost to the point of sobbing. But that 3 hours didn't last. Eventually I would wake up, panicking and gasping for air. I'd look over and see that the other half of my bed was empty, just as it had been for quite some time. I would lay back down, close my eyes, and continue to wish that I'd never woken up.

D.W. - "Five More Minutes"

[strangerthingshavehapened]

You'd think I'd be happier... But I'm not. Not at all. I guess you eventually get used to your entire body aching all the time and being mentally exhausted. Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm not sure yet, I haven't gotten to that point. I still break down in my room for no reason, spend my nights with my face buried deep in my pillow, and hide the thoughts and feelings that I doubt anyone would care to listen to. It's been quite some time since I've felt happy. I have a few brief memories that still crop up every now and again and bring a bittersweet smile to my face. You'd think I'd be happier... But I'm not. Not at all.

D.W. - "Or So You Thought"