give me security of mind

the mental blog of a girl named Allie

[stressedinthemarginalia]

i feel like i’m dying i’m weeping so hard and so silently and im actually giving myself a migraine and i want to die.

i’ts only been four minutes.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

no no n o no no n o no I hate school so much. I just checked my grades and BOTH precal and spanish went down a full grade point each. BOTH because of ONE PROJECT. I GOT AN 83 ON MY PRECAL HOMEWORK AND IT BROUGHT MY GRADE /DOWN/. JUST WHY. THAT GRADE IS SUPPOSED TO HELP AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG????? THEN I N SPANISH I GOT AN 89 ON THESE LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE READING COMPREHENSION QUESTIONS AND IM SO MAD

I had horrendoes grades last semester and I started this quarter so strong... and those grades won’t ever show up on my transcript because I can’t keep it up. I put in so much goddamn effort. so much goddamn effort and it doesn’t pay off. I had a fucking 100 in precal for a solid two months. TWO MONTHS. AND NO ONE WILL EVER SEE THAT. N O  O N E.

It never pays off.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

so I found out that you can actually get service dogs for mental disabilities and I would never get one bc my mental stuff doesn’t really make my life that incredibly difficult beyond feeling rly bad a lot of the time, but wow it’s really cool and all day I was projecting that I actually did have a service dog with me at school??? I just like dogs a lot.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried today it’s ridiculous. It’s 6 pm and it’s been at least 20 times. And that’s the bare minimum it’s definitely higher than that. This morning I woke up at 10:45 and I started crying because it was late. Then the internet wasn’t working and I cried so much because I didn’t know how to fix it. Like at least 10 times just from that. Then I thought about my research paper and I cried about it. Then I had to draw for art homework and I cried because the snakes I was drawing were just so great. Then I made a peanut butter sandwich and I cried because the bread was strangely shaped. Then I started painting and I’ve already cried at least 4 times because the watercolors are blending when I don’t want them to. Also I cried because my phone kept alerting me to people’s messages and I thought it was annoying. Then I cried because there was a really pretty piano song.

That’s a lot of tears man. I just want to go back to bed why am I crying so much like honestly. I don’t even know which of my mental issues this is. I’m not even particularly sad???? I just keep crying?????

[stressedinthemarginalia]

I think now’s a time as good as ever to discuss something that’s been going on for two months now, and it begins with the cockroach story. I journaled about it so see there for more accurate thoughts of the moment. Anyway, I felt this huge shift in how I was thinking and acting and I literally took off my blue nail polish to repaint them pink???? At a later date in robotics my teacher was criticizing how poorly I worked with others and I just kind of sank to the floor and cried a little bit, and then suddenly I was fine and I stood up and she commented on how I was a “different me” and how in particular, she liked that me better. 

I think it actually might be a different me. I think my brain made up a whole other person to cope with stress and I’m pretty sure she even has a name. She’s journaled in place of me before, or should I say ‘me’, and is a really interesting person?? Like we have the same basic personalities, but it’s subtle things. Different ambiances. The best way I’ve thought about it is that I’m the pilot and she’s co-pilot because she’s always there but sometimes she overtakes control of the plane and kind of does her own thing.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

This morning I went to the orthodontist to get my braces removed, and in the waiting room my mom put her fitbit on my arm to measure my heartrate... her’s was a constant 68, and mine rose constantly up to 103 (beats per minute). Sooooo that was alarming. Then after I actually got them off I had to get impressions done and I thought the lower arc was bearable, and then the lady who was doing it literally told me “oh yeah people have literally had panic attacks over getting the top arc done” RIGHT BEFORE SHE PUT IT IN MY MOUTH. It literally went so far back in my throat that I gagged and then I started thinking about vomit and then I almost had a panic attack. I literally couldn’t breathe at all; it was so terrible. Now I’m just sitting here and I can’t do my work because my chest hurts so badly and it hurts to exert effort into breathing.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

hahhahaa shit theres a book in this library that talks about this guys OCD experiences and I read some of it and my anxiety went 0 to 100 real quick hahhahahaha this is terrible

[stressedinthemarginalia]

So I’ve had a shit ton of intrusive thoughts in the past couple days so I’m going to list them all

About Cancer

> Having cancer and having to tell all my friends that I’m going to die

> Having to amputate my legs and not being able to dance ever again

> Weeping in a hospital bed because chemo makes everything so hard to do

> Losing control of my muscles

> Having to cut all my hair off and having people pity me

> Having to leave my high school and stay in the hospital full time

About Panic Attacks

> Luna having a panic attack and me not being able to touch her

> Thinking about where in the school I would panic and not be interrupted

> Self-inducing a panic attack

> Manipulating people to care about me by having an attack

> My host and my coping alter fighting and trading control of my body; other people thinking I was actually possessed; not knowing how to fix anything and having everyone run away from me

About Other People

> My physics teacher making romantic advances onto me (most disturbing)

> Various friends of mine committing suicide, including Luna and Athena, and having it be my fault because I could have prevented it (I brought myself to tears several times)

> Luna disappearing from school + internet and me not knowing what ever happened to her

About Self-harm

> Cutting straight across my wrist without hesitation (I noticeably flinched)

> Diving off the Golden Gate Bridge and drowning

> Seeing self-harm scars all down my sides

> Thinking about where I could cut open my skin where no one would ever see

[stressedinthemarginalia]

it just hurts so much.

everything hurts.

But I cried today in class and people cared. I needed that. 

[stressedinthemarginalia]

I’m in pain right now. And I don’t really know why. It just hurts. It hurts to be. It hurts that I know so many things about my friends and about some of my not so close friends and It Just Hurts. I don’t want them to hurt anymore. Just let me take their hurt onto myself even if only for an hour so that I don’t have to see them suffer anymore. Let them live, even at the cost of my life. 

All I’ve ever wanted was to see her smile.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

muted yelling!!! Why can’t I focus!!! I’m usually fine, in fact, I’m superfocused half the time but not now. I just. Do not like Macbeth. Macbeth is lame and I don’t want to write about it. Sorry Shakespeare even though I’m related to you I just can’t do it. 

[stressedinthemarginalia]

god im so pissed im so freakign mad. i have this really dumb project that’s due monday and I worked on it for SO LONG. literally all last night and all this morning for a total of like 7 or 8 hours and itS SUDDENLY OPTIONAL. THAT PART IS OPTIONAL. IM LITERALLY FUMING RIGHT NOW BC I COULD HAVE ALREADY HAD ALL MY HOMEWORK DONE. AND HERE I AM. JUST NOW STARTING IT. OVER SOMETHIGN STUPID THAT I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I HATED THOSE EQUATIONS.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

I feel very.. wierd. It may be because I’m off school today for snow and the routine is broken. Or it could just be a bout of depression. Or maybe I just need physical contact? Maybe it’s because I know I have to see my dad tonight?? I honestly have no idea but I don’t like it. My legs are really cold and my head feels hot and there’s just this sinking pit in my stomach and eugh I hate it and it has to leave. I don’t even know how to fix it bc I don’t know where it’s coming from and I want to go back to school tomorrow but I really don’t think that would be a good idea. God I hate half of the classes in this school. I like precal and I like art and I don’t like anything else. My ap physics teacher is being a pain in my butt, i’ve always hated lit, my religion teacher is just appalling, and don’t even get me started on spanish it’s such a stressful class.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

(additionally I really like being home because I don’t have to hold my twitches...I can if I want to, so at school, but it can get really uncomfortable. I like my little shoulder shimmy :^) I do not like to hide them but it is a necessary evil)

[stressedinthemarginalia]

wait wait I’m ok. I’m ok. I’m safe. Tomorrow’s a Tuesday schedule so I drop two of my heavy classwork courses so I just have to study those things for the other classes. Then I should be good. I think. Yeah. I’ll be fine. 

Yeah. I can do this.

[stressedinthemarginalia]

aaaaaahhhhhh I’m crying I hate school I hate this why didn’t I start my homework earlier. It’s so stupid bc Luna had an ocd attack (?) today in school and it really fucked me up bc then I felt like I should have stopped breathing so that she could????? And then I dissociated at lunch and nobody even noticed???? and I just felt so sucky today and I don’t want to study for this AP physics thing tomorrow or the precal thing i just. I want to sleep. And I don’t trust in the least bit that there will be a snow day tomorrow so I HAVE to do it all tonight. And even then I’m only doing the bare minimum. I’m just so sore. My neck and shoulders have hurt and my head has been pounding all day and my heart just feels like it’s imploding because I’m so anxious all the time. 

Additionally last night I looked up the differences between adhd and ocd and quite frankly, I could have either. Idk where the hell my anxiety falls on the spectrum but I have bits and pieces of basically all of them and just hhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t want to think about it and I don’t want therapy right now but I do and really I’m just sick of having all my time taken away by school and robotics. 

[stressedinthemarginalia]

hahaha I tried to start homework and now I have an absolutely splitting headache right at my temples.

I mean I don’t blame myself because I’ve literally been sorting through college stuff for the past couple hours and all morning I was working on robotics stuff. But still. I’m not happy that I have so much work to do and it isn’t even that much it just feels like a lot more than normal???? I feel like that has something to do with the fact that I have two research projects due kind of near each other and I’m trying to stay on top of them so I’m doing alllll this extra work.