My Fertility Journey
**long post If you read until the end- claps for you**
Fertility. A topic so fragile and personal that most people choose not to talk about (understandably), but as a pre/post natal trainer and being a trainer to so many girls/women, I feel I have some type of responsibility to discuss my own personal journey. The times when I was stronger and the many times that I was weaker.
I obviously heard the stories of people having fertility treatment, yet growing up in an ever growing family, I imagined getting pregnant was a breeze (you always hear about that “the Oh it was a mistake” story), so fertility seemed like something that didn’t have much to do with me.
Growing up in a family of 6 where thank G-d my mum never had any issues falling pregnant, along with 18 nieces and nephews that were all conceived naturally- nothing made me think my journey would be any different. Alas, I was wrong.
Behind the Instagram lens of me doing my long runs, lifting weights and eating yummy food, something else was happening that I wasn’t quite ready to share. Not because I was hiding it but more because it felt scary to voice something so out of my control, maybe it was a slight embarrassment or maybe it just was a feeling that if I say it out loud then it’ll become an even bigger issue.
Coming off of birth control in October 2020 was a premature way to check if my periods would come back after not having any periods for the last year. I was told it’s really 'normal’ to not have period on my birth control and not to worry- note to self: having no period is never normal and shouldn’t just be accepted. I definitely benefited from the no period though, was great to never have to worry when I was getting it, if it would come on a vacation, and since I wanted to try to keep the Niddah laws (family purity laws) it felt like a blessing to not have to worry about any of this.
After numerous tests and check ups, my Gyno had no clear reason why I wasn’t ovulating and decided it was time to put me on Clomid (a drug used for ovulation). This drug should be monitored with scans and not just given with a blood test here or there. I didn’t quite understand that then, and when the Dr said to me “We’ll just check your progesterone in ten days with a blood test, if It’s high you’ve ovulated”- I shut my mouth and went home.
Needless to say, to get to the point to take Clomid was a decision riddled with worry, I was scared of the side effects it might have and if I’m going to find out I’m pregnant with triplets and if I’m even really ready for kids etc. Not even thinking that it might not actually work. In short, after a few Clomid attempts- it didn’t work- no ovulation. After going back to the doctor and he said “okay- let’s start another pack”- these half- hearted checkups didn’t sit well with me- I was sure someone was meant to do a scan see what’s going on in there, not just throw on the hormones and hope for the best.
That’s when I decided to go to a fertility doctor.
It’s weird- seeing fertility doctor for me felt like a slight defeat, like I was suddenly giving space to this uncertainty. Starting with all the checkups, a few months of different pills and then finally moving to injectable hormones to get my body to ovulate- the months had creeped up on us and the doctor visits and meds had started to take over our life. Injectables were a serious fear for me, the thought of having to inject myself wasn’t something I was aware of and really worked myself up thinking I had to do this numerous times, but Hashem sends you little miracles and mine was my amazing friend, who happens to be a nurse, that came round daily to help me until I could do it alone- special people like that don’t realize their impact on these scary journeys.
First round of IUI I was sure this would be a smooth sailing process. Unfortunately, the month ended with a period and I was back to square one. Defeated, disappointed and feeling like someone had pumped a crate of hormones in me- the constant bloat and morning nausea wasn’t fun. Round 2 was the same. Round 3 came, and the disappointment was strong before I’d even started, but I knew this was my last shot before having to move to IVF. So, I wanted everything in my power to make this time work.
I stopped intense exercise (major shift for me and incredibly difficult), barely lifted heavy weights, made a vision board (thanks to my sister in law), weekly acupuncture, prayed endlessly and put a lot of time into different Jewish rituals- I basically gave it everything I could.
In fact, I even decided to change doctors after this round, feeling like I needed a bit more bed side manner (lacking majorly with most Israeli fertility doctors!) The two week wait was rough, especially as I barely exercised, I had limited options to try and keep myself distracted. Our anniversary came two days before the big “did I get my period” day and I felt that maybe this time was different, so I took a pregnancy test and I got the dreaded negative.
Tuesday came, and we turned up at our new doctor (Whom I cannot recommend enough- the warmest, most thorough doctor, who doesn’t treat you like one of many- a true mensch). We went through the IVF treatment plan for me and what the next steps were. When I mentioned I hadn’t had my period, he raised the possibility that I could be pregnant. I was too scared to believe him, too scared to dream I could be so lucky. When he did an ultrasound, he noticed my uterus lining was thicker and sent me for a blood test- assuming it was just part of the regular check ps. Wednesday afternoon post blood test, I get a call “You’re pregnant”. Sorry. What?! I literally couldn’t believe it that this time actually worked. It’s amazing how fear of hope can make you genuinely convince yourself that good things are few and far- these are the words I had been waiting to hear since I went off my pill o but had truly convinced myself I wouldn’t hear them.
Elated mixed with an incredible amount of anxiety since it was such early days, I couldn’t stop thinking of the painful journey both Tuval and I had been through, the endless doctor appointments and sitting in hopeful waiting rooms amongst so many other women experiencing the same thing. The continuous injections and the streams of tears and emotions- it made this very moment so much more special. The moment that I might’ve taken for granted if it came so easy, had turned into a true blessing, a miracle from Hashem.
My journey has been summed up into too few words to express the pain and hardships with fertility issues. I am doing no justice by explaining it so briefly, yet I feel that just a glimpse into my journey might help others be more aware of those around them that might struggle. It might make people think twice when asking their friends or family member “Nu, when are you having a baby?” and it might just speak to someone that is going through this journey and remind them they’re not alone.
I do feel grateful- strangely enough. Obviously this is “hindsight” gratefulness- a much easier sort, but nevertheless I have learnt more about myself in this journey than ever before, my hidden strengths and weaknesses, what’s important to me and mainly the people I am so grateful for that lifted me up when they didn’t even know I needed lifting. No doubt infertility is tough on relationships (including friendships), dealing with something that is so out of our control, but it strengthened Tuv and mine’s relationship, as if you’re not together on this, it’s a damn lonely journey! He was a literal hero dealing with my endless hormonal changes, disappointments and doctor visits- stood by me all the way and believed the good days would come. He ensured unity and constant communication, even when it was the last thing I wanted, and as usual provided lots of laughter in between.
I did debate opening up about our fertility journey, but I knew how much other people’s infertility journey helped me through mine. I was scared to be so raw and exposed, if people would judge my journey and compare to others who have had it so much harder, but I have learnt that each story is so personal and no less or more than someone else’s. Infertility is shit. no matter where you are on the scale. I share my story with immense gratitude but also with a true sensitivity to those who are still wrapped up in their own fertility issues and are still in ping pong between hopefulness and hopelessness. I know the pain of hearing other people’s successful journeys. I felt that pain endless times and I am so deeply sorry for those going through it. I am writing my story to try rekindle that hope and give any insight I can to those that are struggling. To emphasize that you are NOT alone, you are stronger than you think and even if that road is long and not exactly what you expected, there are many options.
If anyone reads this and chooses to open up to me or ask for advice please know I am here and will hold a non-judgmental, safe and warm space for any discussions or advice. 2020 wasn’t a great year for most of the world, but for us we saw many miracles big and small- and maybe in contrast to this wild year of missing everything we knew, it was the light that pushed us forward and guided us through. ‘Stronger with Zo’ has taken a new meaning for me, I am stronger for my experiences and mental strength is no less important that physical. Blessed. Grateful and Always Learning.