Journey To Myself

NSFW If you are under 18 please leave my blog. "A comfort zone is a beautiful safe place, but nothing ever grows there"

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

[cherishedproperty]

He once asked me, “How can you be so sure? How can you know that this is who you are and what you need?”

I know the same way I knew I needed to be a mother long before I carried a child within me and rocked her to sleep and helped her with homework. I know because living this life feels like coming home. It feels like chipping away centuries of dirt and calcification to uncover something true and beautiful—something pure.

I know because it’s always been here, written on my bones. I know because I cannot be anything else.

[a-beautiful-soul-deactivated201]

[submissivelycentered]

I love this 💕

[submissivelycentered]

[pleasurewhore-deactivated201802]

Structure Is...

Structure is knowing what to expect. It’s the security of concrete rules. Rules that are not only for days where I feel like being obedient, or he feels like enforcing. It’s his refusal the let an infraction slide despite my being tired, or distracted.

Structure is routine in the face of a turbulent life. It’s feeling his presence, even when he can’t be there. It’s a rule for what to do in case of X,  knowing Y is non-negotiable, and that Z is only allowed when A, B, and C are complete. It’s finding peace because the burden of the mundane is managed.

Structure is consistency despite our moods. It’s pressing in when we’re feeling frustrated. It’s taking the next step despite sadness, because the rules are constant. It’s the firm knowledge that anger will not drive us apart because structure tethers us together.

Structure is the blinking beacon of a lighthouse in the storm. It’s visible through the fog of emotion, busy schedules, and uncertainty.  Structure is the light that calls me back to my place at his feet.

[fadedmapdots]

[spankmesir]

Why Rules?

This is my take on the SCC Writing Prompt #221 Why Rules?

The purpose of Rules in our dynamic is to elucidate the expectations and to provide a framework within which we can live. I think this is very important. I need to know what is expected of me. Especially in a dynamic which uses domestic discipline, clear expectations (or lack thereof) can make it or break it. If I were to be punished for breaking a rule or disappointing my Husband when I was unable to avoid doing so because the expectation was not made clear to me beforehand, I would consider that abuse not punishment. That wouldn’t fall within the confines of the defined terms of our dynamic, where He has stated “I expect these things of you and if you fall short, X will happen.”  I have agreed to those terms knowing the expectations and the results of not meeting them.  For those who use “funishment” that would be different and a part of the play even. I can understand how for some couples shifting expectations and changing rules without notice to initiate a punishment could be fun. However in those situations I think that the “punishment” is probably something both parties enjoy and the purpose of the rule to provide an excuse, so to speak, to participate in play. When I speak of punishment within my dynamic, it is not something I enjoy, even though I do like spanking and have masochistic tendencies. When I want a spanking I don’t break a rule, I ask for a spanking. Punishment for us is very painful, in a not good way, and means that I have fallen short which adds a psychological element.

Rules also give me ways to please Him. If He asks me to keep the car clean to a certain standard I know that I can make Him happy by doing that. Making Him happy makes me happy. Rules reinforce our dynamic and keep me in a submissive headspace when life gets in the way of us connecting otherwise. He may not be able to hold me down and fuck me everyday but I can make sure His lunch is ready when He leaves for work and that dinner is ready when He gets home. This gives me joy and a sense of purpose when life can otherwise feel aimless. Our rules offer consistent reminders of our respective places in the relationship.  The lynchpin to all of this though, is that each rule must serve a purpose. Having rules simply for the sake of having rules would not check all of these boxes for me. I won’t truly feel I have pleased him by following a rule that he doesn't really care about. On the same token, I won’t feel I’ve disappointed him (and thus deserve my punishment) by breaking a rule he doesn’t really care about. This is actually something that we have recently dealt with. I am much happier and much more sure of myself now that our rules align themselves with our lives and our wants and needs. 

[curvyrapturousmom-deactivated20]

[lovemysub-deactivated20250527]

Submissives with anxiety issues

Hello all, I am writing this at the request of a follower who is a submissive with chronic anxiety issues. As per usual, I want to make clear that I am in no way a trained expert on any of this. These are just my thoughts based on my own experiences as the dominant of a submissive who also suffers from extreme anxiety.

If you spend a lot of time in BDSM, you will no doubt meet a submissive with an anxiety issue. It’s incredibly common in this world. The reason for it seems pretty clear: people with anxiety have trouble getting their minds to calm, and many submissives state that the number one benefit they get out of submission is that their minds are calmed. Given that one of the biggest benefits to submission is exactly what a person with anxiety needs, it should be no surprise that people with chronic anxiety issues find themselves drawn to this lifestyle.

Before I say anything to the dominants themselves, I want to say a quick word to any submissive reading this who may be suffering from anxiety:

Your anxiety is NOT your fault. It does not make you broken. It is a psychological condition, therefore a medical one. It is not your fault any more than it is someone’s fault that they are nearsighted or have bad knees. It’s part of who you are, and you should never let anyone make you feel guilty for it. People with anxiety are often some of the most caring and kind people in the world, and do wonderfully in a D/S dynamic because of the level of focus on your partner that is involved. Putting your focus on your partner is one way to mitigate your anxiety and lessen your suffering.

Now, for any dominants reading this who may be in a relationship with an anxious submissive: I’ve found that most of the same principles you might normally use in d/s apply, but you need to be a bit more careful about the way you apply them. When your submissive has anxiety, clear communication becomes more important than ever. One thing your submissive will always be asking themselves is “what if” ad nauseam. What if my Dom isn’t happy with me? What if my Dom is angry at me? What if I’m not pleasing my Dom enough? Those are the questions that you have to make sure are answered at all times. Never let your submissive have room to doubt your feelings about them.

One thing the follower asked me about in particular was punishments. Punishments and discipline are very common parts of D/S, as we all know. When your submissive has anxiety, there are a couple of things that I’ve found help immensely in this area. For instance, one rule that belovedsangi and I have is that when a punishment is over, all is forgiven. No exceptions. I always remind Sangi of this before I punish (which thankfully isn’t often), so that she knows that there will be no lingering disappointment after the punishment. In this way, the punishment acts as absolution for the both of us. She is cleansed of her transgression, and I am cleansed of my disappointment. After the punishment is a fresh start. This helps her anxiety by eliminating the question of whether or not I have any lingering disappointment. Similarly, after punishments, aftercare is crucial EVEN IF the punishment was not of a physical nature. Even if you just had your submissive write lines, or stand in a corner, or do chores, you still need to perform aftercare. In the case of punishments, aftercare will often take the form of cuddling and telling your submissive how proud you are of them, and providing reassurance that all is forgiven.

Some other things to bear in mind when your submissive has anxiety issues:

Make sure you always let your submissive know where you are and when you will see them again so they aren’t left wondering and worrying.

Make sure you always show your submissive that they are the first one on your mind.

Always explain yourself to your anxious submissive. One thing that anxious people do is that they will basically rapid-fire possibilities to themselves as to why a certain thing happened, and they do nothing but stress themselves out. I always make sure Sangi understands why I do the things that I do.

Make sure your submissive understands that you are aware of and accepting of their anxiety. Make it very clear that their anxiety is not an inconvenience to you.

Many anxious subs will see their anxiety increase immensely in crowds or public places. Make sure to always keep a reassuring hand on them in public so that they know they are safe and secure. A hand on the waist or shoulder, or even just taking their hand in yours, can go a long way towards making them feel less anxious.

Never let your temper get the better of you. No dominant should ever lash out in anger, but it’s even more important when your submissive has anxiety. Always approach your anxious sub with a calm and measured demeanor.

Sometimes your submissive will be having particularly high anxiety, but won’t be able to explain it to you. For those situations, Sangi and I have a code word that she can say that basically lets me know “I’m freaking out and need yo to take extra care of me right now”. It’s not a bad idea, as trying to communicate her anxiety can often add to the anxiety.

Bottom line is the key to helping a submissive with their anxiety is reassurance. Reassure them that they are the center of your world, that they have your love snd support for as long and as often as they need it, and that their anxiety does not bother you in any way. Make sure they always feel cherished, treasured, beautiful and special. Never give them any reason to doubt. Remember, it’s all about calming their mind.

[submissivelycentered]

I can relate to so much of this. Wow

[mr-growly-pants]

Coffee Thoughts

There is no room for a lack of patience in D/s. Learn to roll with the punches when life happens. As a dominant, you need to be a source of stability and peace, not stress and anxiety.

[onelittlekingdom]

BDSM 101: Common Misconceptions Of Those Who Visit Tumblr's BDSM Community

Many who first come to view and explore the community of BDSM on Tumblr, enter with the incorrect assumption that they are entering a world with very informal relationships, as well as making certain assumptions about D/s types. What follows is a list of common misconceptions, and the truth behind them.

1. Submissive girls are up for grabs.

Submissive girls are either in a relationship, or they are not. If they are, they belong to no one but their own Dominant. No others have rights over them. If they are single, Submissives may choose to pursue relationships with their choice of Dominants. During this time, they belong to no one but themselves. No others have rights over them.

2. An existing relationship is no impediment for pursuing a submissive girl.

Most in the D/s community are monogamous. While some couples choose to find playmates, and some individuals are polyamorous, the law of the land is, if you see someone is already in a relationship, look for your next one elsewhere.

3. Submissive girls like to be called terms such as “princess”, “kitten”, “pet”, and “slave”.

These are terms of affection that are earned by a Dominant. Submissives do not want to be called these names by anyone they have not submitted to.

4. Submissive girls like to be referred to as “whore”, “slut”, and “cunt”.

Wrong again. Submissive girls who are into degradation like to be called these names by partners they choose, or by their Dominant. When a stranger uses one of these titles, it just feels like disrespect.

5. I can treat submissive girls any way I wish.

Just because they like to give up control, does not make them unworthy of your respect. In fact, they are due respect in spades for enabling Dominants the ability to explore their half of the power dynamic.

6. Dominant men expect others to hit on their submissive.

While some might enjoy being shown they have something that others want, the vast majority of Dominants prefer that their relationship be respected, and you keep your desires to yourself. Not sure is a submissive girl has a Dominant? Try asking.

7. There is nothing wrong with asking any submissive I meet to be my submissive.

D/s relationships require a high level of trust, which takes time to earn. Asking someone you just met to be your Submissive, is like asking that girl who you talked to a few times, that sits behind you in math class, to be your wife.

8. There is nothing wrong with asking any Dominant I meet to be my Dominant.

Again, it is entirely inappropriate to ask someone you just met to be your Dominant. Why would you give a near stranger such a high level of control over your day to day life?

9. Submissives are all alike.

Every submissive wants to do BDSM the way it works best for them. While many hold common traits, each is unique.

10. Dominants are all alike.

This is also incorrect. Not only do they each have their own appetites, but they adapt from relationship to relationship to provide the care and fill the needs of their current submissive.

While these guidelines are the general rule of the land, each person and relationship in the universe of BDSM is different. If you aren’t sure about something, sit back to observe and learn, or err on the side of caution and respect. Please enjoy visiting our community.

[instructor144]

Reblogged at the request of a Follower who requested some ammo to counteract the swarms of fucktard “Doms” in her inbox.

[pinkriver69-deactivated20181225]

[instructor144]

Some girls will shank a motherfucker if you mess with their coffee.

[lovemysub-deactivated20250527]

Easiest way to explain healthy BDSM to a vanilla person who thinks it's wrong?

Imagine that you have a goal of getting in shape. After trying different diets and exercise programs, you find that you keep straying from them and inevitably you find yourself back at square 1.

You want it to be different this time, so you finally take the plunge: you hire a personal trainer.

You tell your trainer “ok, I have a goal to be able to run the Boston marathon by next year.”

“Ok”, says your trainer, “how much time do you have every week to devote to this, and are there any types of exercise you are unwilling or unable to do?”

“Well, I have an hour a day on weekdays and can make 3 hours on Saturdays and Sundays, and I have some shoulder problems so I can’t do too much upper body work and I’m unwilling to do stairs because I want to keep my knees healthy”.

So your trainer, working within those limits, draws you up a diet and exercise program, says “this is what I need you to do at minimum, and we’re going to start here work our way up”.

You start your program, and your trainer keeps you accountable. When you slip, your trainer reminds you of your goals and tells you how to make up for the missed exercise or the extra calories.

Now, the most important part of all of this is that even though the personal trainer may be the one giving the orders, ultimately that trainer works for you, not the other way around. And if that trainer steps out of line, you take your business elsewhere. You hold ultimate power, even if it doesn’t look like it in the moment.

Congrats, anon. You just described a power exchange relationship in completely vanilla terms!

Hope this helps!

-LMS

[empoweredsubmissive]

Excellent!!

[lynnleev]

[subgirlygirl]

Just So You Know.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Maybe no one told you that. Maybe you were told quite the opposite: All submissives do it, it’s just part of being submissive.

That’s simply not true.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Someone can want it, desire it, even expect it in their relationships. But there is choice. And just as they have the choice to expect, you have the choice to deny. They may want it, desire it, expect it. But they cannot demand it from someone who says No, I do not want that.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Despite the blustering that often rings loudly in these halls, it is not required. It may be a requirement for them, but it is not a requirement for everyone, I assure you. And refusing it does not banish you to the Submissive Hall of Brats and Inadequates.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. But know that for some, asking for it is a huge step, and the flavor of your refusal can soothe - or sting. If broached gently, respond in kind. If asked from a place of caring, respond with care.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. Maybe at some point down the road you will change your mind and The Thing won’t seem so bad, or scary, or distasteful. Maybe you’ll start thinking about it in a new light. Maybe you’ll want to dip in a toe just to… see.

(And maybe you won’t.)

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. You might be scared or confused. You might feel your inexperience is clouding a commonality, something Everyone Does. You might feel you’ll lose them if you say no, that no one will want you unless…

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t. There are so many people and so many ways to connect. Sometimes we match up in glorious, beautiful, thrilling ways. Sometimes we don’t. But you will find your match. You will.

You do not have to do The Thing. You don’t.

I hope you know that.

© subgirlygirl.com, 2015

[fuckmethroughthesheets]

You can't be obedient only when you feel like it or only when it suits you. If you promise Him your obedience then give Him your obedience. Always.

[pleasesir-mayihaveanother-deact]

It goes both ways. If she lives to obey, you cannot only command when it suits you.

[fuckmethroughthesheets]

You cannot only command when it suits you.

Um, can we have this written up on fucking billboards? There is literally no better way to leave your sub feeling lost, alone, worthless, useless, unwanted…etc. than to run hot and cold and off and on and only be there on the receiving end of their submission some of the time.

Headgames don’t make you interesting or cool or the dark, twisted hero of a romance novel. They make you a fucking asshole. Man up.

The other side of this is absolutely true.

If you promise to guide, protect, command, dominate…etc. then you have to give that to your sub. Always.

[firefly-flashes]

Definitely agree that this goes both ways, but I also think that a lot of this could be cleared up with communication and honesty. 

If you can’t be available  for a period of time (whichever side of the D/s coin you are on) - speak up. Say so. Be honest. Don’t be vague. Don’t just say, “I’m going to be a little busy the next few days.” What does that mean? You won’t be able to text? Call? Skype? Not at all? Or just not as often, or for as long? 

And why not? Please tell me why. Say your best friend is coming in for a visit, or your mom is in town, or you have a big project you have to focus on. Please don’t leave me wondering…because I will assume it’s my fault. Yes, I know assuming the worst is a fault of mine, but if you want me as a submissive, then you probably already knew that and better be able to deal with it.

And please, please, above all else - be honest. Don’t tell me you’r not going to be available and then let me see that you’ve been all over Tumblr or Fet or whatever…but never bothered to send me a message saying “Hey - I caught a little break - do you have time to talk now?” Even if I didn’t see your message in time, I know that I was important to you; that talking to me matters to you. Otherwise, you just reinforced that your social media presence is more important than communication with me. 

See…I understand what it’s like. I’ve been called a “part-time submissive” or told I’m “not really serious about D/s” because I have boundaries. Here’s the thing - I spell them out, up front. If they are deal-breakers, then I’m not the right sub for that person. Period. 

I can’t always be available to do sexy things at the drop of a hat. I have a mundane life that keeps me busier than I like sometimes, and no matter how ruthlessly I organize things, sometimes life gets in the way of the fun things I’d rather be doing. But I’m up front about it, and when it happens, I own it. I’ll give reasons - “Sorry I missed our regular call; I was stuck in a meeting that ran late.” - but I accept that there are consequences for everything, even things that aren’t 100% within my control, because there’s an opportunity to learn from what happened and do better next time. “I’m sorry - I should have called/texted and warned you my meeting might run late. I’ll do that next time so you won’t worry.”

Honesty and communication matter in D/s - hell, they matter in any relationship! And if you can’t give both, then how can you be in control of someone else? And for the flip side - if you can’t communicate honestly, then what is your obedience worth, really? 

As always, please take my opinions for what they are - only my opinions. YMMV.

[instructor144]

Signal boost. Communication and the commitment to show the fuck up, every day.

[asubmissiveview]

This exchange brought tears to my eyes.

[skylelis]

I always tell my Dom how I feels. Even though it hard as fuck. Its not easy to tell how you are feeling exactly especially if you fear of social judgement. Yet, I think it is really important for a sub to tell the Dom how he/she feels exactly. No matter how dirty or shameful. That’s how they can deal with it. They aren’t mind reader, if you don’t tell them, they won’t know.

It goes to the Dom too. I understand that sometimes, you have things that you do not want to let your sub know. But please, think about how would they feel. Its not weak to show emotion. Tell them, talk to them. Don’t let them second guess their role in your life

[modernpirate-mp]

MP Speaks - Dominant Conversations

“Don’t let them second guess their role in your life.”  All sorts of things can get tied up into this:  shame and guilt because of social judgement or conditioning, thinking that somehow you are less of a person because you need/want/desire submission, other relationships, you name it.

However communication works for you, keep it open and ongoing. Speaking from experience, the Dominants I know are pretty damn intuitive, often having an idea of the what the issue is before their submissives ever say a word.  

That doesn’t mean we’re mind readers or that you have no reason to be open and honest because “my Dom/me will figure it out.”  We figure it out because we pay attention.  We study and know you. Do you think the Sadism, punishments, play, funishment we bring to the relationship is by accident?  Not in the least.

These are not relationships to be taken lightly.  If you are “in” this community to get kinky pictures, or to fuck around, then say so.  There are plenty of users and abusers faking it on both sides of the slash.  Fuck with them.  

When you are serious, say so.  Do not let your partner guess at your thoughts and emotions.  Do hold their hand, let them know your fears and concerns, and let them be the one to help you with them.   

[submissivelycentered]

"Accept that there are consequences for everything. Even things not 100% within my control."

Something I need to work on for sure.

[submissivereverie]

It's easy to get ready when you're told how to dress.

[dwpreturns]

D/s perks

[boundinpink]

Yep!

[papistrouble]

I love being told how to dress!!!!

[submissivelycentered]

Guess that would cut down on all the stress of deciding what is best for the weather, occasion, if it looks good, will he like it etc!

[wordsnquotes]

You meet a girl: shy, unassuming. If you tell her she’s beautiful, she’ll think you’re sweet, but she won’t believe you. She knows that beauty lies in your beholding… And sometimes that’s enough.“ “But there’s a better way. You show her she is beautiful. You make mirrors of your eyes, prayers of your hands against her body. It is hard, very hard, but when she truly believes you… Suddenly the story she tells herself in her own head changes. She transforms. She isn’t seen as beautiful. She is beautiful, seen.

Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of The Wind (via wordsnquotes)