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Shut up I'm hilarious m / cis / ally / US East Coast My avatar was drawn by my younger brother, @brokenimagefiles. In case you're curious, "sudo rm -rf /" is the Unix command to wipe your hard drive.

[targetedknowledge]

[frankiesbullshit]

someone tell OP i did it, i spent about 3 hours on it

[joshlovesyou]

[salmonballer]

a masterlock? bro you are practically free-use

[creekfiend]

Having seen some births now i can say that dog birth is amazing cos they just slip n slide out one after the other like a little conveyor belt. And theyre so little and unformed. And then UNGULATE BIRTHS ... are amazing for the opposite reason which is that 10mins after being born they are filing their taxes. Unless they are goats, in which case they are committing tax fraud instead

[creekfiend]

Goats are what is called a precocial species, which means that shortly after birth they are able to do many thimgs on their own, such as standing, walking, eating, and embezzlement

[headedoutleft]

honestly “the lion doesn’t concern himself with” is a pretty good anti-ocd phrase

[headedoutleft]

the lion doesn’t concern himself with managing other people’s feelings

[headedoutleft]

the lion doesn’t concern himself with what ifs

[headedoutleft]

the lion doesn’t concern himself with germs

[headedoutleft]

the lion doesn’t concern himself with reliving that one excruciatingly painful moment for the one thousandth time and imagining a better response

[parakeet]

You will not die at the hands of quicksand. Ask me how I know this

[bearthethirdwheel]

Please, how do you know this?

[parakeet]

quicksand does not have any hands

[frankensteins-mt-dew]

[catilinas]

google search. tengwar sans serif

[catilinas]

scream.

[sewn-with-lilies-fair]

wait til OP discovers Quenya Comic Sans and cursive Tengwar

[emeraldskulblaka]

... which can be found here (thank you, @pachelbelsheadcanon!):

Post by @pachelbelsheadcanon · 6 links

💬 3  🔁 65  ❤️ 138 · TengwarSansGeneral1-Regular.otf · please... do you have a tengwar comic sans font that is downloadable... in fact, i ha

[anti-parent]

teamwork makes the dream work. and dreamwork. makes shrek

[anti-parent]

fantastic. i love it. i posted this after my wife said it yesterday and as i was doing it i was like "this can't be an original thought. as soon as i hit post someone's going to say 'you stole this from a tweet from 2014' and i'll say 'no, i stole it from my beautiful wife.'"

[evilwizard]

he breasted the boulder boobily up the hill…

[evilwizard]

one must imagine sisyphus big naturals

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[myfootyrthroat]

I think some of y'all would really benefit from learning the scope of power of various political offices.

[smegorl]

Are you trying to tell me my local schoolboard doesn't have the ability to declare a unilateral ceasefire with iran?

[myfootyrthroat]

If they try hard enough and are pure of heart... still no.

[dogpuppy]

[nineteenyearoldmeblog]

im fucking crying

[64mpg]

“but if i communicate it perfectly then they will understand me” WRONG 10,000 years of suffering

[kaylmao]

shh don’t worry catholics aren’t real

thank god. i mean thank something else

[bluering8]

listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream off, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.

[smokingchagga]

This is actually what I was adviced to do at the work rehabilitation program I went to. Hasn't left my mind since. 10/10 solid advice

[cheaphalloweencostume]

my least favorite literary smut turn of phrase is when a guy is like “im gonna ruin this pussy” “im gonna wreck this pussy for anyone else” like stop.. thats not yours…!

[goofda]

“Imma destroy that pussy” my friend 😔

[thememedaddy]

[deadpowol]

[tahthetrickster]

[felinenotfine]

Great job y’all give us nothing!

[swordofomens]

They are providing the essential service of comedy. These running gags are hilarious!

[copperbadge]

We don't know that the cat is hunting truffles. He's on his own mission, it just happens to be near the truffles.

The herding cat on the other hand definitely thinks he's helping. Have you lost a sheep yet? No? Then he's helping.