In a Life Far, Far Away
The Chronicles of Jedi Academy: Part IV
Itās been what, ten months since I announced a written piece on Star Wars Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy? What the fuck has been keeping me from writing? Well, nothing. Iām just terribly lazy. However, Iāve now mustered the energy to get rid of the calories needed for writing another article. I have to admit itās one clusterfuck of a challenge to write about a game iāve spent thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of hours on (Iām not good at math). Where do I begin? How do I treat the reader? Do I assume youāre into this game or do I assume you donāt even know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars? Letās not go so far though. I wonāt spend space on any lore or anything thatād require you to know much more about Star Wars than laser swords and space helmets. So letās get started with the first part of this⦠Trilogy? Weāll see.
I figure a good place to start would be the gameplay, so letās go over the story first, and yeah, spoiler warning. Youāre playing a dude called Jaden and youāre becoming a jedi or something and your master is Luke Skywalker or Kyle Katarn and thereās this annoying tard called Rosh Penin who is your best friend and you choose whether you wanna be a sith or jedi kinda like an RPG but then Tavion shows up and wants to kill jedi so you kill her, i guess. To be honest, I havenāt played the single player mode much but I guess thatās as good a summary as any. I donāt give a shit though, because the reason anyone would play this game is because of the Multiplayer.
When I teased about writing this shit, I mentioned the amazing saberplay and how it was crude. Let me clarify this: youāre pretty much in complete control of your swings. Wanna do a horizontal swing? Press left mouse button while pressing D or A. Wanna do a diagonal swing? Then there are 4 possible combinations, left/right uppercut using LMB+S+D/A, left/right down-swing using LMB+W+D/A, or just regular down-swing with LMB+W. Ā This differs from many other Star Wars games where you press a button to do a set combination, or swing in a set way. In Jedi Academy however, you can jump, crouch and move in any direction while swinging in pretty much any which way you can. You can delay hits, you can poke, wiggle (more on this later) and for those of you who enjoy set animations of swings you can do those too, but they suck.
You can choose between single saber, dual sabers and staff saber. While dual users and staffers are able to use speed and blockbreaking gay ass motherfucking glitches which makes the game unplayable for us real noble knights using single saber. Of course single saber users have some nasty tricks up their sleeves too: wiggle, or poke. While using red stance with single saber you can either wiggle the mouse slightly in and out of your foes hitbox to maximize the damage. Of course you can do this trick with staff, duals and with yellow and blue stance too, but that requires more precise epileptic movement. If youāre really cool, you can go melee. Just run into a ferocious free for all and just fucking wail on those bastards. Youāll die, but youāll die in a blaze of humiliating glory.
The choice of nobles
And then thereās these people...
So, youāve got sabers and melee, what else? Weapons and force powers. Most servers only permit sabeers and melee, but sometimes admins will grant you the boon of either force powers (empower/emp) or weapons (mercenary/merc) and all hell breaks loose. The chaos that ensues is unheard of in modern games with online capabilities I know of. Sure, GTA Online probably gets chaotic, but there are still rules, somewhat⦠In JKA, there are no rules. Just throw mines all over the fucking place and wait for people to walk into them and die like an unsuspecting kid walking into a field of death.
The typical death area in Jedi Academy
Rules though⦠Iāll end with this paragraph on, ugh⦠rules⦠So, while JKA has no official moderation or anything, there are rules which are enforced in various degrees on different servers. Of course you canāt harass people, except sometimes you can and sometimes the admins will join in the harassment. You canāt be a general asshole or a troll or spam the chat, unless youāre one of the alright troll spammers. The one rule that IS enforced, kinda, is the dreaded āno laming ruleā. āWhatās lamingā, you ask. Laming is when you attack a player with their saber down and/or chat bubble up. Even though the most commonly played format is Free For All and the objective is to kill every single little piece of shit that comes across you; unarmed people are protected, despite the fact that they can pull their saber up and defend themselves like actual fucking human beings. Some retards will run away instead of retaliating and cry to the admins. Real men/women will take the challenge and valiantly fight you. The laming rule is what confuses many new players, and many new players quickly become the most vehement defenders of this bullshit rule. For some reason killing people in an online game is tantamount to actually beating them to death in real life. Seriously, grow some balls, clits or whatever ye got twixt yer legs.
Some people get creative with their names
And with this, I end this first segment of The Jedi Academy Chronicles. I figure you have some loose idea about what the game is about now and youāll be ready for some more meaty material of what actually goes on in the game, and my life within it. Take it easy, shitkickers.











