Sugarfoot

Sitting, being, existing.

[sugarfootandsunshine]

Not that Simple

It’s all about mind over matter.

At least that’s what they say.

You’re just not trying hard enough.

You just don’t care enough.

You only think about yourself.

Is it really that simple?

Am I really just that selfish?

That self-involved?

That uncaring?

Why isn’t it “just that simple” for me?

I have spent so many nights wondering what’s wrong with me.

Why do I justify my continued use?

I love my children so fucking much.

Why haven’t I stopped for them?

I see the looks in their eyes—

the people closest to me who know this dark secret of mine.

They wonder why I love this drug more than I love them.

Why do I continue to choose it again and again?

I don’t love it more.

In all actuality, I fucking hate it.

I hate what it has done to me.

What it continues to do to me.

It has taken control.

And I’ve allowed it to.

Why?

I want to stop.

I do.

But then I don’t.

Why?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

When will I find the will to tell it goodbye?

[sugarfootandsunshine]

[sugarfootandsunshine]

[sugarfootandsunshine]

A State of Silence

They're dying

Murdered in the streets

A war on humanity

Humanity doesn't exist within them

Authority

No accountability

Against the community

Autonomy is gone

A system built to destroy

[sugarfootandsunshine]

The light turned back on. I did that. I turned the light back on.

[sugarfootandsunshine]

Journey

The journey into hell,

while not easily defined,

is a trail that-

once taken-

becomes difficult

to unwind.

At one time or another,

you thought it would be easy

to turn around.

But the choices you have made,

the sins you have ignored—

they continue to multiply

and abound.

The sins of your father,

your mother,

your very first lover—

while not your doing,

may be the main cause

of your undoing.

And to you

that may make no sense.

But to me,

I can see how and why that

    Butterfly

Effect

is not a myth

or a lie

but true and real

with sight—and seeing

an altering

of one’s true being.

The truth is,

there is no truth

within me.

Just lies

and deceit

and dishonesty.

I lie to myself

pretending that everything

will be okay,

knowing that, in fact,

nothing

will ever be the same.

These words on this screen—

words I once would have written

down on paper—

have become

the labor

of my destiny.

A destiny

that is no longer

visible to me.

For what is within my sight

has become

the delight of my life:

the haze,

and the fire,

the cloudy days,

the foggy mire.

For I am stuck

on this path into hell,

a path leading me

into a forever

of angst

and worry--

sadness

...madness--

a helplessness

I continue to let overtake me.

Where is the Google Maps

for my life?

The Apple Maps?

The Waze?

So I no longer search

for those cloudy days?

I continue to look

for a return ticket,

so this journey of mine

can finally find a way

out of this

foggy thicket.

[sugarfootandsunshine]

My arms

My heart

Empty

Bereft

A place of demise

Left alone with my thoughts

Left alone to die

Figuratively?

Literally?

My nervous system can't take this anymore

[sugarfootandsunshine]

The object of my desire

is no longer a living, breathing entity,

but instead something I must physically set on fire.

Not only is it lifeless,

but so too is it soulless--

not that something inanimate can have a soul.

But this lifeless, soulless object speaks to me.

It is hard and unyielding, yet--

just like me--

once the heat hits its core,

everything within melts to the floor.

Once upon a time, but not all that long ago,

my world was somehow brighter and larger and louder,

but quieter.

These days, however,

the walls are closing in around me.

I see the life I once had fading away

as I continue to allow

the object of my desire

to burn the bridges

that I had so carefully built

throughout the decades of my existence.

But I have begun to see that reality

is just a distant ideology for me.

I want to believe that redemption

is in the cards,

but I just cannot seem to make the choice

that will set me free.

Free from the self-sabotage.

Free from the sadness

I continue to cause those who love me,

who care for me,

who genuinely just want to see me succeed.

I am drowning.

Drowning in this desire

for a flick of a lighter

to burn away the pain,

the nightmares,

the memories of a life once lived--

a life that once, on occasion, was happy,

but more often full of sadness

and self-doubt and anger.

A life I thought would push me

into a state of madness,

a dark hole bereft of energy.

There is no love there,

just like there is no love within me.

There is love for others,

but no love for me.

Perhaps that is why

I allowed myself to say yes to the light,

to say yes to the fire,

to say yes to the burning,

to say yes to the clouds,

to say yes to the fog,

to say yes to the drowning--

the drowning away of my thoughts

and my feelings

and my tears.

And to become the villain in this story,

a story that will end all too soon

if I don't choose the path

that will put me back

on the right side reality.

[sugarfootandsunshine]

[sugarfootandsunshine]

[sugarfootandsunshine]