Can we stop romanticizing obssesion/addiction to someone? It's not cute and romantic, it's horror - as someone who is in recovery from obssesive attachment. Here is my story, maybe you can relate.
I was violently obssesed with the boy and my ex for a year now. This time was incredibely traumatic and chaotic. I was a literal mess.
This obssesion came a months after I had splitted on him. And I broke no contact.
At the beginning I idealised him, he was perfect in my eyes (even if I knew he's a bad person). I was excusing his every behaviour, he was "the one" for me. I was completely sure, without a doubt that we're magically connected (magical thinking). He also has cluster B personality disorder (NPD, untreated), so I project all my traits into him.
When I told him I still love him, he started to avoid me (he didn't reject me but also didn't resiprocate my feelings). I was in heavy depression for months. I was literally broken. For days, months he was the only thing in my mind. I've waited for talk, text but it haven't come back.
I was sure he'll come back and we will be together. I was spiraling when he didn't talk to me. I wanted to die because we haven't talk to each other. I feel like nobody without him, if there is no him I will die. I wasn't doing anything to bring him back, I was waiting for him and crying every day.
I was in agony. I isolated myself from everyone, I started to hate everyone because they weren't him. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I had nightmares every night. Other people became strangers to me, I was fighting with my friends, isolated from my class and reality. I had a feeling everyone hates me, so I hated them. I had 2 attempts and that's all because I had a poor contact with my FP. I ruined most of my relationships with others. I just wanted him to save me from myself.
He sometimes started talk to me in school but that's all. I was lying in bed, staring into walls and thinking about his abscence. I just wanted to stop everything. My whole life stopped and started to spinning around him.
It changed when my psychiatrist and parents were finally done. They called it an obssesion and told me to isolate from him, in other way I will ruin my life completely. And I decided, I'm ending it. And I stand it for like 5 days. Because he approached me in school and I instantely came back to him like an idiot. But I finally started taking action. I asked him if he really wants contact, not only speaking to me occasionally. He said yes. I had hope again.
But he still didn't talk to me. He was absent. I was in desperate spiral. I cried to him, I was texting, pestering him, begging him not to leave me. I had a feeling I will disappear without him. He was treating me like shit, I stucked between hope and shame. His silence was killing me. I was awfully jeaolus of him and I was reproaching him for every possible girl. I was getting hysterical. That's why he left.
2 weeks ago, I stopped. I stopped looking for him, I stopped messaging, I stopped waiting. Something inside me froze, or maybe it just burned out. I realized that he wouldn't come back. That it couldn't be fixed. That what I felt wasn't love, it was poison. And I was addicted.
Now I'm calmer. Not because I don't love him anymore. But because I stopped fighting something that never had a chance. I didn't fight for love, I fought for oxygen.
