I’ve had this tumblr for years now, I’m not sure how long exactly, but over 5 years because I remember blogging at least my senior year. I made a new tumblr a couple of years ago with new interests and new friends, but I’ve recently logged back in on to this one and, wow, what a difference I’ve made in my life.
I was going through my personal tags and let me just tell you how much that felt surreal. I’m looking back and reading about high school and my first piercing (and only still lol) and seeing who I was friends with and I’ve had to stop myself from falling down a spiral of anxiety and self destruction.
I was so embarrassing back then lol.
Also, I was a jerk. I remember thinking and feeling things that I’m not proud of. Saying things to people that I cared about because they hurt me, or would say something and I’d freak out on them. Or I would carelessly joke about things that weren’t funny. I was friends with some people that I said shitty things about because I guess I thought it would make me cool to the right people. I’ve said a lot of fucked up things in my life to be honest.
What I have to remember was that I was a teenager. A literal child. Not that I’m saying I’m super mature now, but I’ve grown as a person and I think I’m better for it.
I guess I wanna say I’m sorry to the people I’ve hurt, even though I don’t think they’ll never see this, and that I’m sorry.
One thing I’ve learned is that to be sincere I have to let go of all past hurts and realize that while the other person may have been shitty, how I’ve reacted is all on me.
To the person who hurt me the most and I’ve hurt the most, I’m sorry.
How things ended was awful. I’ve thought a lot about it in the past years and I’ve realized that I am truly sorry for how I handled things. I can’t forget some of the things that happened. I can’t forget how you made my anxiety and depression worse with what seemed like little care on your part. I won’t forget how I felt when I couldn’t make my own friends for fear you would have a break down. I won’t forget how you expected me to be there for you 100 without feeling like I had the support I needed as well.
I don’t expect you to forget how you felt when I wasn’t being more understanding of your mental health issues. I don’t expect you to forget how I was emotionally needy as well, but refused to talk about it. I don’t expect you to forget all of my flaws.
The last thing I’ll say about this is that I am sorry for how everything ended. I wished we talked more about our problems. I’m not blaming you for kicking me out, but I wish I could have stayed or tried harder to fix someone our issues.
I hope you’re happy now. I don’t know what happened to you because you blocked me and no one posts anything about you. I hope that’s a good thing. I hope you got the help you deserved. I hope you went on to finish that degree and are now doing the thing you loved.
Looking back I can tell we just weren’t good for each other, but it was a great learning experience, and I wouldn’t trade our happy moments for anything and I hope one day you can feel the same.
I want to end the post by saying that I’m a better person now, I feel. I’ve let go of a lot of anger and resentment from my childhood and try to focus on the positive things now.
Yes, I’m still a mess and a lot of shit to figure out. That’s just part of being human though isn’t it?
