There's a process that is supposed to happen.
Step one:
i am upset. I wait and keep it to myself - depending on the scenario i may wait ten minutes or i may wait a month. But i do not ONLY wait, i actively search the feeling and situation to see if this is a Me thing i can work on within myself, or something i can get over easily for the sake of keeping things pleasant and smooth, or whatever. Maybe i am actually just hungry and irritable. Maybe the issue is less about the loud group of my housemate's friends and more about the week i was already having. Maybe it was very frustrating in the moment, but now that the moment is past i no longer really care and don't think it's likely to come up often in the future.
this is where most people mess up. Because doing this step properly LOOKS like just ignoring whatever is upsetting you, so it's hard to learn from role models unless they explicitly communicate how to do this. And i think for many people, letting go of a certain level of upsetting might be an automatic process that happens if they just give it some time, but that's not everyone, for sure, certainly not me. But a lot of times, at least for me, if i do this step with intention, it turns out i can parse what it is and work through it on my on because it is actually some Me shit, and i don't actually need to do step two, But knowing how to do step two is important.
Step two:
This is for when you've examined it, and you're still upset, and you know what's upsetting you and why, and you have some idea about what would be less upsetting. Most of the time, again for me, this really just boils down to getting on the same page with whoever else is involved to make sure it doesn't happen again, but sometimes will be something else; it may simply be a need to be heard and acknowledged.
So then you just, calmly, briefly, bring it up with the other person or people. You say something like "I felt upset when ____, and i'd like us to figure out a way to try to make sure that doesn't happen again" or "I felt upset when ____, and i think if i could tell you why it was upsetting in a way that you understood, it would help me be less upset" or even "I felt upset when ____, and i'm not even sure why but i'm still upset and i haven't been able to figure out how to let go of it and i am hoping you could help me resolve it"
anyway, always telling everyone that you are upset and why the instant you feel upset is not always the best way forward, anymore than never telling anyone you are upset no matter what. But being ABLE to tell people you are upset is an important skill.
Take thirty seconds or an hour or a day or whatever you need, to sit with it and see what it is. THEN be comfortable telling people in a constructive way.
and don't be afraid to explicitly tell you friends or family something like "i need to hear you tell me things that upset you, because if you don't then unfortunately i will automatically assume you are always upset and not telling me - but please tell me calmly or i will panic"
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
theartofmadeline
titsay
turnnoffyourmind
