Sometimes loving yourself is too hard...

Writing about bingeing and restricting problems I have, depression and reblogging many quotes and pictures about eating disorders, unhappiness and etc.

[sunshinepops]

Why can't I feel anything?

[sunshinepops]

Welcome blueness, I haven't missed you..

I'm really sad, but without too many tears. I just don't want to talk about it, it's absorbing me from inside. I have no happiness, The dark clouds above me is getting bigger, pushing me down. I can manage so many things, but this is too much. I feel so alone in my mind. I feel so lonely.... I dont deserve being unhappy, I feel so mean.. Why can't I appreciate all the wonderfull people in my life... My family and friends... I don't deserve them the way I am. At least I don't feel like I deserve them. I don't feel like I deserve anything right now. I haven't done anything to deserve them...

[circlers-deactivated20231019]

[sunshinepops]

I just realized I won't let myself be loved. I won't even give it a chance. What am I afraid of? Why do I feel unworthy of love?

[sunshinepops]

Little soldier <3

This post is going to hurt when I read it in the future. Hope it will help though.. Dear little soldier, it's not your fault. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of. You couldn't avoid it from happening in the state you were in. You didnt have control and you know if you weren't sober, you would never let it happen. The thoughts about you deserving it and that you who were supposed to be so strong, really are weak, is wrong. It could happen to anyone, there's no shame. Hope you stoped feeling so dirty and disgusting, because you're not at all. We all have blood on our hands, whether we like to admit it or not. We all make horrible mistakes or let bad things happen to us, but it doesn't make us a less worthy than everybody else. Just move on, let it go. Please, there's nothing you can do about it now than moving on, letting go of it. But you need to promise me, that you'll never let anything like that happen to you, because you're afraid to disappoint someone and feel like you deserve it. You don't deserve it. You really don't... Punish yourself in other ways, but never let yourself being used by others again, you know how much it hurts..... And damage made only by yourself, by bingeing, starving, mistreating yourself, is much easier to forgive, than if someone else did it. You're so much stronger than you think you're capable of. Hey little soldier, straigthen up, you made it through <3

[forest-tales]

so i had a tiny breakdown yesterday and i realized ive been running away from my problems AGAIN

[living-in-the-silence]

[islandtweetie-deactivated201208]

[lovely-pussy-deactivated2025083]

[sunshinepops]

Where's my cigarettes and massive amounts of food when I need them to supress my feelings.......they're supposed to be there when I need them the most....

[sunshinepops]

I've lost myself

I've lost myself. It's no longer me looking in the mirror. Not through my eyes. I didn't care so much about my appereance, but now I dislike all of my body fat. Where did the old me go? I've lost myself again.... I miss my old self... But not sure if I want me back

[itsbetter2gether]

[little-girl-whysosad]

personal/b&w blog

[sunshinepops]

I'm positive deep down and something in me tells me that the world isn't a shitty place. I try to give advices that's optimistic, but it doesn't mean I never get depressed. It just means that a part of me wants to get better. I feel worthless. I think it's okay that I starve myself, because I'm fat, disgusting and doesn't deserve anything else. I've almost starved for three days and feel really shitty right now because I had to eat dinner at home tonight and in addition I've run out of laxatives. How I'm I supposed to get cleansed? I drank four bottles of water, it hasn't helped my constant though of being a failure go away..... I messed everything up again..... Goodbye fatloss..... Now I gotta start over again.... Lots of water and a two slices of bread for school lunch tomorrow, that's it. And this time, if I gotta eat dinner, i'll just not eat anything else. Maybe I'm just being positive because I'm denial of my own problems, imagining I'm not depressed. Yeah yeah, I'm going to starve myself the next 1,5 week anyway, so it doesn't really matter.

[dreadfully-dull-blog]

Do you ever, all of a sudden, get this overwhelming wave of self hatred? Like suddenly you hate your body, every inch, your face, your voice, your smile, your laugh, your personality.. you just want to disappear because you can’t stand to be yourself.

[sunshinepops]

3

[sunshinepops]

I'm not being nice to myself again..... I wish I had a inner mom voice, and my evil self could be sister with my normal self, and everytime my evil self told me all those bad stuff, I could tell mom and she would punish her and make her stop. Unfortunately do I have to deal with my evil self all alone. And in the end, you'll always love your sister, no matter how evil she is, right?

[sunshinepops]

You know when people say how much they miss being a child and stuff like that? How everything was perfect and no problems at all? Well, fuck you, my childhood sucked and dear Disney movies couldn't help the fact I didnt want to wake up from my sleep, ever..