Surviving the fall

Letters between John and Sherlock

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

My dear Sherlock. My brave and strong Sherlock.

I wish you’d wake up so I could say this to your face, but you need to rest. You need to heal. That’s more important right now. I came so close to losing you and I can’t - Christ, Sherlock, when they brought you in like that… when I saw you after all this time…

But you’re okay. You’ll be okay. We’re taking care of you now, so take your time. But please… don’t stay asleep for too long. I want to say something to you. I want to tell you that I love you. I want to tell you that you could never fail me. You risked your life for me, Sherlock. You’ve endured so much pain, to keep me safe. I want to tell you that I’ve killed for you and would have done so again. I want to tell you, that I will always want you, in every life, in every universe, I want you.

I love you.

I’ve always loved you.

I’ll always love you.

Rest for as long as you need. I won’t leave your side again. I’ll be right here, next to you, when you wake up. But in case you wake up when I’m asleep (I know you, you never do things the easy way), I’ll keep this letter close. Read it. Memorise it. And when you have, wake me up and I’ll tell you I love you to your face.

Forever yours,

John

AO3 Link

[survivingthefall]

John, my John. I love you. There it is, plain and simple. I love you. I’m so tired, John. Everything hurts. I don’t know if I'll be able to come home. I know I promised but I’m so tired. Truth is, I failed you. I can see it so clearly now. All I wanted is to be with you. I would destroy worlds to be with you. I needed to protect you so badly I left you alone. Please, John, please tell me you still want me. You and me against the world. Just us. Please tell me you still want that. I’m sorry, John, I’m so so sorry.

AO3 Link

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

Mycroft told me. After I managed to get Anthea away from him long enough to corner him. I had to threaten bloody murder before he relented and it took one impressive maneuver from Anthea - never have been able to distract her long enough - to get me down.

Serbia.

Please hold on, Sherlock. I don’t know if you are still able to read these letter - Mycroft won’t tell me how long you’ve been quiet - but I have to write them. I will go mad if I don’t. If I lose this last connection I have with you.

We’re coming, Sherlock.

Yes, Sherlock.

Both of us.

Don’t argue.

I’m getting you out of there. Even if it kills me, I will get you out. I promise.

John.

AO3 Link

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

Mycroft is hiding something. Do not roll your eyes at me! I know you and I reckon I know your brother and he is hiding something.

I’ve received no word from you since my last letter and I’m worried sick. I can’t stop imagining all the horrible things that might have gone wrong. You said you were close to coming home. They often say, the last hurdle is the most difficult one.

Oh Sherlock, please, let me know if you’re alright. One single word from you will do.

Please.

Yours,

John

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

There is nothing I can say to make it easier for you. Only, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to do that. I’m so sorry you have to go through this now, alone, without me. I could have done it for you. I would have. I would have killed them over and over again if that meant you’d stay safe and spared from this.

You defended yourself Sherlock. They would have killed you so you killed them first. There is no shame in that. No guilt. Any man I know would have done the same.

Call me if you need to. If the dreams get too much; I know how terrible they can be. Know this, Sherlock: you are NO murderer. You saved yourself. You were in danger.

It feels inadequate, to write these words on paper. I know they’re not enough but they are all I can give you. When you get back, I’ll tell you them, face to face. I’ll try and chase the dreams away, somehow. If you’ll let me.

Thank you for the files. I feel slightly better; the doctor you had was a good one. Though I am still worried about your injuries - once you get back I’ll look them all over myself - I know you’ll be alright. I’ll be there. Every step of the way.

I’m waiting for you Sherlock.

Please stay safe.

Always yours,

John.

[survivingthefall]

It was so close. I could feel the bullet go through my hair. I couldn’t help myself. How do you do that? It hurts. It hurts so much. It won’t shut up, why won’t it shut up? I emptied my whole clip into them. I couldn’t stop it, I just had to do it, I need to keep my promise to you. It’s what people do don’t they? Leave a note. I pulled the trigger over and over again and then they were nothing but dead bodies. I pulled the trigger over and over and over and over. Oh shit they’re here. They’ve come for me!

How do you cope with killing John? I apologize for the ramblings, I was not myself exactly. I am not entirely sure what happened. As far as I can recall this happened: I was running and I climbed onto a roof. They followed. One of them shot at me and one of the bullets went right by my ear, through my hair. Then I lost it. I emptied the whole clip in the two men and left. It keeps repeating in my mind every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep. I miss you more than I can put into words. I cannot wait to see you again, but I must. I’m so glad you’re safe. I’m even glad my brother is safe. I’ll be home soon. Not long now. Yours truly, Sherlock Ps. The file you asked for is on the USB stick I included.

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

Christ, you weren’t kidding when you said they were after Mycroft. First off, we’re fine. All of us. Not a scratch on us. Mrs Hudson was asleep and woke up from the gunshot. She was safe. The bastard didn’t even look there, thank God.

Mycroft is fine. Tense (he thinks I can’t tell), but he’s fine.

And I’m okay too. He missed. We have to buy a new cow head for on the wall, though. And I owe Greg one hell of an explanation as well.

We’re at Mycroft’s house now and we’ll stay there for a while. Until you’re back at least. Everyone else thinks I’m out in the country and Mrs Hudson is caring for her sister (Mycroft spared some men to guard her and Harry just in case there will be another attempt) so we should be fine.

It felt good to hear your voice again, Sherlock. Never knew how much I missed hearing you speak. The flat is too quiet without you and it feels good to be away from there for a while. Even while I know you’re still alive, the silence is just too much and heavy sometimes.

Mycroft tells me you’re getting closer to the end of things but somehow that doesn’t reassure me as much as it should. Please, promise me you’ll be careful, Sherlock. Don’t trip over the last hurdle. I want you… no, I need you to come back safely to me. To us.

Can you tell me where you’re going? Yeah, I know, you can’t, but I won’t stop asking. I never will.

Please reply soon, Sherlock.

I miss you.

Yours,

John.

PS: I realised I never said that or written that before, but I mean it, Sherlock. I am yours. Always.

----

Read from the beginning, here

[survivingthefall]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 14/? Fandom: Sherlock (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson Characters: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson Additional Tags: Post-Reichenbach, Post-The Reichenbach Fall, AU, Letters, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, Alcohol, Depressed John, POV Sherlock Holmes, POV John Watson, POV Alternating, Injured Sherlock, Worried John, Slow Build Summary:

Two months after Sherlock's suicide, John receives a letter.

[survivingthefall]

Transcript between John Watson (JW) and Sherlock Holmes on [blanked out] at [blanked out] to [blanked out]

JW: John Watson.

SH: John. Hey.

JW: Sh - Sherlock?! Jesus Christ, is that really you?

SH: Yes. Yes, it’s me.

JW: Christ... Sherlock... I - God, this is real. You're alive.

SH: You owe me a punch in the face, don’t you?

JW: Yeah. Yeah, you really do. So you did get my last letter. Good. That's... good. Where are you? What happened?

SH: I left the hospital yesterday.

JW: Why where in one, in the first place? I want to know, Sherlock. Just... please.

SH: John… I can’t. It’s not safe.

JW: Bullshit! You wouldn't have called if it wasn't safe. I want to know! That is the least you can do for me after everything you put me through!

SH: I am at an army base. This is a encrypted line so no one can trace it. That’s all I can tell you.

JW: Sherlock... I want to know. I want to know what you're going through. If I can't help you there, than at least let me... you know what, never mind. Why did you call?

SH: I miss you John.

JW: I - Jesus, Sherlock, I miss you too. You should be here! I just…

SH: But we both know I can’t. Not yet. How are you holding up?

JW: Yeah, I'm... I'm managing. Your brother is a bit of a pain but he keeps me on my toes. Better than it was, at least. You?

SH: i’m… I’ll be honest, the cuts still hurt. It’s getting better though.

JW: Okay, that's... all I could hope for really. Please, take care of yourself, Sherlock. I want you back here. I still owe me that punch remember?

SH: As long as you will be the one to look after it. I’ve seen enough hospitals for a lifetime.

JW: Of course I will. I am your doctor remember? And your friend. Just... promise me to come back in one piece.

SH: You know I will do everything I can to come home safely.

JW: That's good... can you tell me where you will be going next?

SH: No, but I can tell you I hope to be back before Christmas.

JW: Okay. That's - yeah, that's good. I'll manage that long. Mycroft thinks we will be able to figure out who the double is, so things can turn back to normal here. Though, I have to admit, kinda like this. Bit like you were here. The flat is... it was too quiet, Sherlock... I nearly moved out.

SH: Don’t let him touch my violin.

JW: Don't worry. It is your room with me. Oh, before I forget. Did you leave the hospital or did they let you go?

SH: They let me go. The doctor declared me fit enough to travel.

JW: I'm trusting you on that one. I can't even tell if you're lying or not.

SH: I’ll send you the file from the hospital, if it’s that important to you.

JW: It is, okay?! It is bad enough that you won't tell me what the hell happened to you and leave me here to worry and, if you haven't forgotten, the last phone call wasn't exactly an honest one now, was it?

SH: You say that like I had a choice.

JW: Jesus Sherlock... I'm sorry. I'm just angry. And I worry. I want you back here.

SH: I miss you too John.

JW: Yeah... yeah, I - hold on. I can hear something. Be right back.

SH: John-

-long silence, then a gunshot-

SH: JOHN!

JW: Hello? Sherlock, you still there?

SH: John… What’s going on?

JW: Look, I can't stay on the phone for long. Mycroft and I need to leave. They tried to... Jesus Christ, they were already in the house! What if Mrs Hudson... okay. Listen to me. I am fine. Your brother is fine and the bastard who broke in is knocked out. Anthea is on her way. Be careful! We don't know if they were listening in somewhere.

SH: Be careful. Please be careful. I need someone to come back to. I.. I need you.

JW: Sherlock... I'll be here. Do you hear me? I'll be here, waiting for you when you get back. Always.

-line goes dead-

---

Read from the beginning here: [x]

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

What the hell happened to you? Where are you hurt and what do your injuries consist off? I told you in one of my earlier letters; I want to know everything, Sherlock! Christ, I've been there with you every single step of the way since the moment we met and you really think I'm backing away from you now? I want to see. I want to know.

I am still your doctor and your friend.

Trust me, the images I have in mind right now regarding your injuries can't be worse than the reality of things. Unfortunately, I am well aware I can't stop you from continuing this. But, please, listen to me when I tell you to take your time recovering from this. I know you. You'll rush in, without a care for your own well being and this time I am not there to help you. I need you to come back.

I owe you a punch in the face, remember?

I am working together with Mycroft and Anthea to figure out who the double agent might be. Mycroft has been spending quite a lot of time here at Baker Street and sleeping upstairs so I can keep an eye on him - took a lot of convincing on my part, but Anthea supported my idea. Your brother doesn't stand a chance against her, did you know that? She can be a bit scary to be honest.

Again Sherlock, be careful.

I want you to come home, in one piece, where you belong.

With me

John

---

Read from the beginning here

[survivingthefall]

John,

I apologize if my brother comes dashing in on an unusual time, I asked him to deliver this letter ASAP. I'm currently in a hospital after a mission that went wrong. Please don't be too upset, I am alive and I wasn't in any life threatening danger, but it hurts like hell.

I was working undercover when my cover was blown. They were rather determined to find out what I knew and some of the wounds they inflicted will leave permanent scars.

As I said I am currently in hospital and I am well looked after. For your own safety you cannot know where. It is not safe. You said you wanted to know everything, but are you sure you want to see what they did to me? Will you be able to let me do this?

I need your help. There are whispers that one of Mycroft’s men has become a double agent and may attempt to kill him. Please keep an eye on my brother, John. I worry. We could all be in danger.

Yours truly,

Sherlock

----

Read from the beginning here

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

You have a lot of bloody nerve to try and turn this around on me. Do you have any idea how worried I am? How I have to keep my phone close, staring at it, because I am terrified that Mycroft will call with bad news. That you're captured or missing or dead. You talk about your injuries and I am not there to take care of you and it is killing me, Sherlock.

Christ. This is messed up.

I know you care. Even you if you always tried to hide it.

I'll be here, Sherlock. No matter how long it will take, I'll be here for when you come home. And I want to know everything that is going on with you, alright? I want to know where you are, what you're doing, how you're doing. Everything.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine. We all will be.

Focus on getting back.

John.

---

Read from the beginning here

[survivingthefall]

John,

How can you do this to me, John. I’m worried sick about you. I’m worried you’ll throw away the things you still have, that when I come back to London you won’t be there anymore. What’s the point of all of this if you’re not there to come back to?

How can you think I want it to be like this? You seem to pretend all too easily that I don’t have feelings.

The cut is healing well, if you’re still interested. I clean it every day.

If you need help with the media tell Mycroft. I’ll make sure he’ll do what you ask.

Sherlock  

—

Read from the beginning here

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock, 

I was going to leave it there, you prick. How dare you judge the way I mourned you? And how dare you judge the way I deal with not knowing if I have to mourn you again? So I wasn't going to send you anymore letters. 

But since your brother apparently has an x-ray vision and one hell of a judgmental stare, I'm sitting here, in his office, writing you another letter. I'm so angry with you Sherlock. I'm angry at you for leaving us behind, even though I get it and I might have done the same had I been in your shoes. I'm angry at you for telling me what to do while you're a thousand miles away and you're the reason I'm doing it in the first place! 

As for a job; I can't. The media is still tailing me whenever they can get the chance. That and the limp has come back. Badly. And I couldn't focus on working, even if I tried. Besides, someone needs to look after Mrs Hudson. 

If you worry so much about me, then you better get your ass back home soon! 

What happened? Why do you have stitches and how put them there? Was it done properly? Depending on the area, you should leave them for 5 to 10 days. Please tell me you'll look after it and keep it clean. 

Be careful. 

Please. 

John.

[survivingthefall]

Sherlock,

Fuck you.

John

[survivingthefall]

John, 

 Can’t you see it? I sent it because I didn’t want you to suffer any more than you already did. It was impossible to do it any other way. Why can’t you see that?

Mycroft can’t tell you because he doesn’t know. I won’t tell you because I cannot afford to let anyone know. Not even you. 

Find a job John. Don’t sit around. You’ll feel worse and they won’t worry as much about you. Hell, even Mycroft is starting to worry. You’re going to the pub most nights, you visit his club every morning. A job will be good for you. Grabbing for the bottle isn't the answer. How long before either Mycroft or Lestrade will have to bail you out? 

 How long do I need to keep stitches in? it wasn’t anything major, just three stitches, but I’m not sure how long to leave them in for. Please write again soon,  

Sherlock

[survivingthefall]

Good news!

This Thursday, we will resume posting the letters once a week. 

Thankfully, things have settled down slightly and we have found the time and energy to pick it up again.