☆bekind☆ @sweetfreedom2107 - Tumblr Blog

The heart is so stubborn

It does not budge

Believe me, I've tried.

Believe me, I've cried.

Date for fun? No, I date to marry.

I date to make you pizza the way you like it. To see your face first thing in the morning. To put tinsel in your hair. To attack you with tickles. To kiss you randomly and often. To build a home with you. To rest in your arms when the noise is too much. To hold you close to my chest and hear your heart beat against mine. To wipe your tears away, lift the weight off of your shoulders. To snuggle on the loveseat on aimless Sunday afternoons. To go watch films together, thrice a week. To laugh with you. To make love with you and have it mean something. To make memories together. To live a life together.

I date to dissolve into one with you. To tether myself to you. That's what I want, baby.

and it killed me when I looked into your eyes because I could see that you really understood me. it felt like you could really feel me.

and I cried harder; I'd never felt seen before.

I imagine being someone you want and it damn near kills me

The idea of your arms desiring my warmth inexplicably heals me.

And we'd be great together, so great we'd go down in history

But you act like figuring out what you want (me) is one of life's biggest mysteries.

Bridesmaid

I'm getting tired of crying tears for you.

The concept of you ever liking me back seems too good to be true.

And I'm tired of seeing you act like nothing happened.

I kissed you and you were my best friend and yes, it matters.

And yes, I'm shattered.

I knew I shouldn't have done this.

I knew I should've looked the other way.

But I knew I wanted to be the bride

I would've died rather than become your bridesmaid.

My mother thinks we're still friends

And you smile so sweetly at her

And I'm so mad at you that

All I want is to melt in your arms for

An eternity.

I've done everything I could to make you like me like that

You know how my heart is so stubborn

But if you ever find yourself in need of someone who you broke into pieces

You know you can call me up if you still got my number.

I know I slipped, I know I fumbled

But everyone does, and I wanted you

To tell me it wasn't too good to be true

And I'm tired of crying tears for you.

And I'm tired of wanting to kiss you

But your lips are chapped from him

And I imagine never seeing you again and it is so grim

So I stick around you and I bear the pain

And I want to be in your life either way, so, yes, I'll be your bridesmaid.

Yes, I'll be the bridesmaid.

At the end of the day, I always have myself. At the end of the day, I can always settle in bed with a good book and a cup of tea. I'm there for myself, and I can make myself happy. At the end of the day, I'm there to love myself the way you can't.

So at the end of the day, I don't really need you.

Why smile at me if you don't want me? Why check my messages if you're just going to leave them on read? Why catch my eyes, why the concern when I cry?

You don't want me. So don't want me. Don't be kind to me. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. The sight of you pains me, it breaks me. You can't both hurt me and save me. I need you to go if you're not willing to stay. That's the price you pay.

And something hurts when I see you cry and all I want is to envelop you in my arms and comfort you. But I have to resort to standing across the hall watching you cry in someone else's arms, in arms that very clearly don't want you. And I am so fucking mad at it all. I have what you need and you are what I need but in this lifetime all we are going to be is strangers and that is so unfair.

I feel the light washing over me. Soft, warm sun on my bare feet. Standing on wet soil, in cotton shirts and flowy skirts, soaking up the heat. Cool water of the flowing stream. Daisies witnessing a new day. New opportunities. Maybe it'll get better.

In a long time, I am hopeful.

You need to break my heart one last time.

Break it to pieces that won't join so I can never love you again.

Your eyes were searching for someone and it wasn't me.

And you were never in love with the person I was but the person you thought I could be.

I can barely see the tattoo we got together. I can barely remember your name. Whether that is a blessing or the greatest tragedy of my life, I don't know, I'm just trying to not let the itch of the healing wound drive me insane.

He got you smiling so wide and standing so tall but if you knew the things inside his mind you'd be too crippled to do anything at all.

I'm not crying but my soul feels sad, if that makes sense.

I don't want you to smile at me. Don't want you to catch my eyes. I don't want to see you, I never want to need you. If you don't want me, I can accept that. But I can't bear to see you everyday knowing what we could've been. Knowing what I could've had if I had been cooler or more attractive. I feel insufficient every time I see you and I'm sick and tired of it. I want to be strangers. Maybe then I can begin to forget you.

Your face is etched in my memory; how do I undo this?

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