I think the way Till's thoughts string together in the new comic is really really good and interesting. It seems to be a three year long loop of events happening that his guilt manages to latch onto in one way or the next. Ivan doesn't leave his mind in the first place, an everlasting lingering presence, impossible some days to manage and just a little easier on others, but the constant of that guilt is exactly why it's so easy for his mind to make those connections.
Every moment he succeeds is one where he is reminded Ivan did not. Every moment he fails is one where he is reminded how he couldn't save him, either. It is a vicious and unforgiving cycle. Till seemingly fails some sort of mission here, whatever it may have been, and evidently, that's more that haunts him. It's Ivan that awaits him again the second he's alone, grinning ear to ear, taunting him for his injuries. I think Isaac's dialogue here is an interesting choice: there was nothing more Till could have done during that mission, so he said. In the context of how this connects to Ivan, there's nothing more he could have done during Round 6 either. Of course, we see his dialogue about learning how to forget the second Till steps back into his room, Ivan back in frame. I see this meaning of forgetting less about pretending he never existed, pretending those events never took place, and more along the lines of learning to move forward rather than marinating in that self-blame.
This is also how Till ends up connecting the ideas of his own needs to what Ivan may have needed, and for a rare instant, what this vision of Ivan says is less of a taunt and more of a genuine request.
Till's brain begs the question, for once, why won't he just ask if I'm okay? Isn't he worried at all? To which his self-loathing responds, why didn't you? Did you even think to ask? Don't you think he wanted that too? It's still not the real Ivan sitting there. This is no ghost. Make no mistake, this is the very idea of Ivan that's been tormenting him this whole time. But for a moment, something changes. Till sees him more clearly through comparison and what they had in common. If he can understand these little things about himself, what he needed and still needs, he can understand it about Ivan.
I really like how quiet and reserved this vision of R6 Ivan is. In Scars, he was a lot more of an active tormentor, Till separating Ivan into these different alterations of himself as if they are entirely different people in his mind. But they're the same. The Ivan that stuck to him then is the same as the one who died for him. The Ivan that died for him is the same as the one who followed him quietly in the garden. The Ivan that just wanted to be asked if he was okay continued to want it until the very end.
And if Till still wants that, and he's older than Ivan ever got to be, then it's not something one "grows out" of or becomes "too mature" for.
I really like the composition of these panels. This memory of Ivan and Till appears directly behind him, both because it is a past event he can no longer revisit and because it is something that before, he could not properly see in full or understand. I also really like the way Ivan and Till in the background are drawn here; it looks to me that Ivan was calling after Till, and he turned around. This is where the pencil gets returned. He is beckoned. He wants his attention. And it was never actually about the pencil.
He's hurt here, the way that Till is hurt now. His mouth has been tugged at as part of image making training, as he struggled to emote in the way "expected" of him as a child. Ivan would never outright ask for his comfort or his company, but that's what he wanted. He wanted Till to ask. He wanted Till to spend time with him. The pencil was nearly an excuse for proximity, one where Ivan would not have to confess to being the scared and longing child that he was. How couldn't Till see that? Why didn't he ask? It seems so clear to him now. He was so young, younger than Till is now, younger than Till for good.
Till knows what it's like. To be hurt. To be that young. To be alone.
This is the first time we see R6 Ivan satiated without Till causing any harm to himself as a means of appeasing it. That's not what Ivan wanted. That's not what he ever wanted. He just wanted to be seen. To be loved. Specifically, he wanted that from Till. Finally, finally, Till sees him now (or at least, he's beginning to, after a long three years of trying to figure things out). Even after his death, he can give him that now. The recognition. The understanding that he did not have back then. But I think the love was most certainly always there.
I see the hug as a representation of a few things. All the love he never had the chance to give, given to him now. Acceptance of Ivan, fully, every last part of him and every alteration. Apology for what he did not notice, for not doing so sooner, for never asking before. Forgiveness when it comes to Ivan's own actions and the hurt he too had caused, all of his pestering and prodding and poking in a desperate need to be seen.
And if this is forgiveness, I think Till comes to understand, just enough, that Ivan would forgive him too.
(Note: for this analysis I'll be referring to this translation of Scars by ka_akekamai on Twitter, as it's a lot clearer and better translated.)
This comic actually reveals so much about how Till views himself and also his relationship with Ivan in the same breath. Not only does Ivan exist as this manifestation of his guilt, both for the things he left unsaid and due to surviving ALNST whereas Ivan did not, he also exists in these different states that gives us insight as to how Till views the deterioration of their friendship with time (and it seems to point to the idea that Till blames himself for this, too).
The one Till wanted to see the least when he woke up was Ivan, his presence instantly in his R6 outfit. We learn as the comic goes on that R6 is the biggest manifestation of Till's guilt and ultimately the version of the Ivan hallucination that harms him the most. This is for several reasons: not only was R6 moments before Ivan's untimely end, but he was also the most difficult for Till to read or understand. Before Till knew what was going on, before he came to see this plan Ivan set into motion for what it was, it's safe to say he likely believed Ivan hated him. After all, he did choke him, and Till's response to this seemed to be... little else beyond acceptance (and the initial shock of it of course). All because he wanted this to be over, didn't mind Ivan surviving in his place, and likely because he felt in part that he deserved it.
Till wakes up instantly swarmed with self-loathing. R6 Ivan presents as someone who exists to mock him. He calls him "nothing but a burden", perhaps pointing at the idea that Till feels remorse for not only having survived, but for having lost the final round and winding up injured and without a voice. The second he goes to speak, Ivan kisses him, just like he did in R6; he didn't get a choice in anything then, and he doesn't get to say anything now. It physically hurts him to speak, though the memory of Ivan would not let him even if this were not the case. He does not feel in control of himself, stripped of his voice.
I find it especially interesting that this manifests specifically when Mizi is mentioned, as I believe the earlier panels can be interpreted in this order as Till feeling as if he had missed what was standing right in front of him (Ivan) in favor of chasing this idealistic escape in Mizi. It's very cruel. After all, though the kiss harmed Till (and still continues to), it was regardless a gesture of love, only feeding into Till's self-loathing.
It's these panels especially where I believe we start to dive into Till's guilt regarding their past, even before ALNST, as when Till hits Ivan with scorn and bitterness, he's once again choked. R6 Ivan comments on it as "sentimental", saying it "brings him back". That was part of the routine, wasn't it? Till expressing annoyance, Ivan lingering anyways. With R6 Ivan standing there as a manifestation of Till's remorse for letting him die, if Till seems to believe that Ivan would be nothing but angry with him (for letting that happen, for "ignoring him" all of these years, for losing the round), it seems Till may regret not having been nicer in their youth.
That's when R6 Ivan switches to this alternative state of being; the state we're initially introduced to has no blood, no strained red text, though is ultimately still the "worst" of the Ivans we will go on to see in this comic. He's someone Till sees as condescending, who wishes to see him hurt. It's not necessarily a true reflection of Ivan or even what Till thought of him in life, but what Till worries Ivan would think of him now and a resemblance of the resentment he feared Ivan felt for him. This second state is covered in blood, when he was struck down for choking Till, for kissing him, and this is the one in which Ivan seems to be the most... "desperate", I suppose, for lack of a better word. This is the one that begs Till to speak his mind, who is "so happy he could cry" that Till "beckoned" him, who is overwhelmed with this love that Till finds overbearing and leaves him aching. This is the point in R6 where, slowly, Till begins to realize why Ivan did what he had. When it clicked for him that Ivan had died for him, that he'd cared about him all this time, and that he hadn't been able to see that (and hadn't been able to return that notion). What was meant to be closure for Till and a weight off of Ivan's shoulders before his demise instead manifests as something else that harms him, even if this is not what Ivan would have ever wanted.
Speaking of things Ivan would have never wanted, this is where Ivan in a childlike form is introduced. Here, he is calmer, and quiet, and not as expressive. This is the version of Ivan that Till new best and found the most comfort with in life, the version of him that did not mask with that smile, the version of him that stole his things and didn't understand the language very well and yet stuck around regardless, the version of him Till recalls most fondly as someone he spent so much time with. He only shows up after Till harms himself, scratching at his neck, digging into his wounds. R6 Ivan is finally "satiated" when Till brings upon himself the harm he believes he deserves. After all, this version of Ivan is not real: he cannot, literally, hurt him. Till is being driven to harm himself by his own mind in belief that it is some sort of "repentance", something that eases his guilt and for a while, almost seems to earn him "forgiveness" from this version of Ivan his mind has conjured up. If Ivan does not get to live, if Ivan did not get to do so without pain, all for Till's sake, then why shouldn't he also be in the same boat? (I'm sure he associates pain and punishment as a "correction" or as a way to make up for awful things anyways, given how Urak treated him.)
Till goes on to do his best to make "Ivan" happy, to "appease" this form of guilt, seeing it as a parasite in which he is not exactly a willing host, but one who plays along. This voice at the back of his head says "draw me", draw Ivan, and so he does. He is then reminded of the fact that Ivan "never actually saw him draw", due to how embarrassed he was to show him. We know that he actually did see Till draw in multiple instances (we see this in one of the flashbacks in R6, in the Traces comic, and in Wiege), but in this state, Till can't help but worry that he once again shut the door on who he considered to be his best friend.
This is the most interesting part of the comic to me. This is where it cuts to an older Ivan, perhaps their late teenage/early adult years. This is where Till begins to have doubts about himself, and specifically, his relationship with Ivan. This is the version of Ivan he began to feel the distance between, not only because of the failed meteor shower incident and his remorse for that, but also because this was the time of Ivan's life where he had slipped into his usual facade: the one who is always cheerful, who smiles all the time. It's a version of Ivan that Till began to understand less and less.
Till worries Ivan is upset with him. Ivan becomes someone he cannot read, who can never give him an answer. He cannot ask the real one. He still, in part, does not understand why Ivan behaved the way he did or what he wanted. He does not know how Ivan would feel about him now. This is also why Till drops the topic, so that he does not progress into R6 Ivan, the "version" who Till is fully confident must hate him.
I'm really looking forward to how this gets resolved in next week's comic and how Till will learn to overcome this guilt, if he'll learn to forgive himself and be able to understand/remember who Ivan actually was, that Ivan's memory will no longer be used as a means of punishing himself. It's already very interesting seeing how he puts full blame on himself for what transpired between them both, even if he seems to understand at least subconsciously that Ivan hurt him sometimes. That isn't to say Ivan always meant to, or that he liked to, but it's an inevitability for misunderstandings and miscommunication (or lack thereof) to happen.
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