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@synapticgenesis
locked the fuck in get my money up
what do you mean you havent used mindfulness techniques to accept the state of the torture labyrinth as is yet. its like youre not even trying
Movement nudge!
X
There is a very specific kind of sadness in realizing your parents loved you, and still did not always know how to meet your emotional needs.
Because it is confusing. It would almost feel easier if there was no love there at all. But sometimes there was love. In the way they tried to protect you. In the sacrifices they made. In the ways they worried about you, cared for you, wanted a good life for you.
And at the same time, there were still things missing.
Maybe comfort did not come in the way you needed it to. Maybe your feelings were not always understood, or noticed, or handled gently. Maybe you learned to keep certain parts of yourself quiet because it felt easier than trying to explain them.
That kind of hurt is difficult because it does not always come from cruelty. Sometimes it comes from people who loved you deeply, but did not know how to emotionally connect in the ways you needed. People carrying their own wounds, limitations, fears, or ways of surviving.
And you are allowed to acknowledge both truths at once.
You are allowed to recognize their love and still grieve what you needed but did not receive. Those things do not cancel each other out.
Forgiveness, for a lot of people, is not pretending nothing hurt you. It is slowly accepting that someone can love you and still fall short of understanding you completely.
That does not make your pain dramatic. It does not make them monsters either. Sometimes it just means everyone was trying with the emotional tools they had, and some of those tools were not enough.
And I think many people quietly carry guilt for still feeling hurt by parents they know tried their best. But being loved imperfectly can still leave wounds. It makes sense that it affected you.
At the same time, you do not have to stay trapped only in anger forever either. Sometimes healing looks like understanding that your parents were human before they were parents. People shaped by their own experiences, their own upbringing, their own emotional gaps.
That understanding does not erase your feelings. It just softens the sharp edges around them a little.
You deserved emotional safety. You deserved gentleness. You deserved to feel understood, comforted, and emotionally close to the people raising you.
And if they could not fully give that to you, it is okay to mourn it.
But I hope you also know this: the love you needed is still something you can experience in your life. Through other people. Through chosen family. Through the way you learn to treat yourself now.
The story does not end at what you did or did not receive growing up.
You are still allowed softness after all of it 🤍
You know how right wing media runs off of BIG SCARY EMOTIONS instead of fact?
Left wingers do this too. Except instead of "THEY'RE EATING THE CATS AND DOGS" it looks like:
"No one else will ever accept you."
"You're too oppressed to be understood by anyone but us."
or
"Anyone outside our group is dangerous."
Check in with yourself about how online communities make you feel.
Do they make you feel hopeful, or hopeless? Connected, or isolated? Accepted, or tolerated?
Do they encourage you to think for yourself, and use critical thought? Or do they ask you to accept without thinking and toe the line? Is there open communication, or are differing opinions bullied into silence?
Beware of anyone who tries to isolate you.
Beware of anyone who tells you no one else will ever love you like they will, that no one else will ever accept you.
Beware of anyone that tells you life is nothing but pain, or that there is no hope.
Hopeless, lonely people are easily controlled.
I know things are scary right now. I'm scared too.
Look out for people who WANT you scared.
Try to find spaces that make you feel like change is possible. Look for people who make you feel empowered to do something!
Look for the helpers.
"Beware of anyone who tries to isolate you. Beware of anyone who tells you no one else will ever love you like they will, that no one else will ever accept you." "Hopeless, lonely people are easily controlled."
^THIS!!!!
There are many valid reasons to be angry, or scared right now. But don't give up on hope, and don't let anyone isolate you.
Keep healthy boundaries. Find communities that aren't just in a constant state of doom. Find communities who also help and support one another, and who act in ways to help facilitate meaningful change in the world. And for the love of all that is good, please stay away from people who would weaponize your trauma/pain in order to control you whilst otherizing someone else!
being silly and weird and odd will keep you alive btw
1) any stretching is better than no stretching
2) any vegetable is better than no vegetable
3) statistically you will never be the worst person at anything, there is always someone in the world who is worse at stuff than you are
you have permission to pick that 2 year old "abandoned" project back up. it's not mad at you for setting it aside. and maybe time and distance have helped ease or erase the things that made you put it down in the first place.
did perfectionism ever truly protect you from harm or neglect as a child though. ultimately. Lol
[REALLY NORMAL AND WELL-ADJUSTED VOICE] well you never know maybe it COULD have saved me. if i ever actually achieved perfection. it could have happened then. if i was actually ever enough. Which i was not
like disgust on its own is morally neutral i think but when you start letting it lead you it Very quickly spirals into something dangerous. you Have to learn to be okay with it and not let it lead your actual beliefs
the way i did this was always by asking why i felt what i felt. i ended up breaking through a lot of it by realizing i didnt Have an answer behind a lot of what i felt was wrong because of this. and when i did it was me trying to retroactively justify it
like its an emotion that incredibly easily leads to very reactionary reductive beliefs. and "Think through the things you feel" sounds incredibly stupidly obvious but its a powerful feeling and if you dont work to control it. you can absolutely let it turn you into a reactionary. Believe Me I Know This I Have Been On Both Ends For Things So Stupid You'd Kill Me
I feel as though in the past few years it's becoming more common for me to be interrupted while I'm speaking, and I can't help but wonder if more people are losing a sense of conversational rhythm due to communicating more and more digitally and less and less in person.
When you communicate digitally you don't have to worry about finding the natural rhythm of the conversation, you're not taking away someone else's ability to finish their thought or make their point if you send a message to them while they're still typing. I'm not here to scare monger about the kids and their phones, but it's important that you don't let your skill of finding a conversational rhythm, if you have that skill, atrophy, lest you speak over someone and take away their ability to complete their thought and make their point.
But I also realize that it's really important to specify what I mean by interrupting someone.
When someone says that interrupting is really normal and not considered rude in their community or culture, what they're actually talking about is what's known in linguistics as "cooperative overlap", that or simultaneous talking. Here's an example of cooperative overlap and/or simultaneous talking that you might see in a culture where this is normal and acceptable:
Person A: So guess where I went today? I went to the -
Person B: Oh let me take a wild guess! You went to the shoe store again didn't you?
Person A: That's right, and I got a -
Person C: Oh come on, don't tell you got another pair!
Person A: You know it baby!
Now let's compare that to a different style of interruption, what I like to call "steamrolling"
Person A: So guess where I went today? I went to the -
Person B: UGH did you guys catch the game last night?
Person C: Yeah the refs sucked!
Now, what differences can you see between the first example, aka "cooperative overlapping" vs the second "steamrolling" example?
For one, in the first example Person A is still allowed to make their point, tell their story, and finish their thought. They're not being silenced or completely derailed, and most importantly their conversation partners still seem interested and engaged in what they have to say. In the second example, Person A is being completely derailed and stripped of their chance to finish their thought and make their point, which is unfair to Person A, which is what makes "steamrolling" disrespectful even in many cultures and communities where "cooperative overlapping" would be acceptable.
Now, conversational overlap isn't for everyone, and that's okay, but it makes it awkward and tricky when someone from a community or culture that uses conversational overlap talks to someone who is from a culture that doesn't. For example:
Person A: So the other day I went to -
Person B: Oh my god did you go to that one store?
Person A: Um, no, I went to the movies, and I saw -
Person B: OH did you see that new creepy movie about the aliens?
Person A: No, can I please just finish my story?
Person B: Oh, uh, sorry
Neither person will probably feel great after this conversation. And I'm not here to condemn either conversational styles. I understand why some people see cooperative overlap as a more engaging and exciting conversational style, but I also understand why some people find it frustrating. My mother's family has a cultural background big on conversational overlap, but my father's side of the family ehhh not so much, so I personally grew up seeing these two conversational styles clash a lot.
If you're person A in the above conversation who doesn't like conversational overlap, that's totally fine, I'm personally not a big fan of it either only because I have a terrible memory, so when someone disrupts my flow I usually end up completely forgetting what I want to say. Just try to recognize the difference between cooperative overlap vs steamrolling. If someone is just trying to cooperatively overlap with you, patiently and politely tell them something along the lines of "sorry I have a terrible memory so if I don't finish I'll forget what I'm trying to say". But it's generally a good idea to be more patient and understanding with conversational overlap than steamrolling.
If you're someone who cooperatively overlaps and you encounter someone who isn't a fan of it, try not to take it personally, maybe like me they have a horrible memory and will forget what they're trying to say if they get side tracked.
But what I meant earlier about conversational rhythm is that too often a lot of interrupting comes from not realizing the other person wasn't finished speaking.
For example, personal A wants to say "so the other day I went hiking, and I saw a fox" some people might not recognize when person A is actually finished speaking, typically they assume as soon as they've heard a complete clause that means the thought is finished, so the conversation goes like
Person A: So the other day I went hiking -
Person B: OH I went hiking a few weeks ago with my girlfriend but it was so slippery out!
Person C: Oh how is your girlfriend doing by the way?
Person B: She's doing great! How's your partner doing?
Do you see how this style of interruption, unlike cooperative overlap, also derails Person A and deprives Person A of a chance to finish what they want to say? It's not quite steamrolling, and often just comes from a lack of rhythm or understanding. As a general rule, if you want to avoid interrupting someone, pause for a few seconds after you think they're finished in case they aren't actually finished. This way you avoid accidentally depriving someone of the chance to finish what they want to say and completing their thought.
We should never be too eager to assume someone has finished making their point because you never know what someone might actually be trying to say, and if you cut someone off before they make their point you can miss important context. For example:
Person A: I don't think I see stray cats here -
Person B: AHA BULL FUCKING SHIT! I totally saw a stray cat the other day!
Person A: I was going to say as much as in other places if you had let me finish?
Or:
Person A: I hate when it's hot out. When I was a kid it was usually around 25 or 30 degrees Celsius in the summers -
Person B: OH come one don't be such a wimpy little baby! 25-30 degrees isn't even that warm! I've totally seen WAY hotter summers than that!
Person A: Uh, that's what I was going to say if you'd let me finish, the summers were pretty mild when I was a kid, but they're a lot hotter now . .
Do you see how in both conversations Person B was too eager to assume Person A had finished making their point and ended up missing important context? If person B had only paused and waited for Person A to finish making their point, they wouldn't have ended up making an ass of themselves to put it frankly. This style of interruption can make you come across as eager to dominate and "one up" other people, which frankly a lot of people find obnoxious and exhausting. This is different than cooperative overlapping because it comes from a place of wanting to correct or one-up your conversation partner, rather than play and/or build into what they're saying, which is why I'd argue it's closer to steamrolling.
Good conversational rhythm ideally means everyone is allowed to finish their thought and make their point, whether or not that includes overlapping or even simultaneous talking. If you're not sure someone has finished their thought, pause a few seconds to make sure they've had the chance to complete their thought, less you miss important context. OR, if you do interject, it should be about building/playing into what they're saying rather than derailing/steamrolling them.
What's important to keep in mind is that it's often a matter of power and respect when someone is or isn't allowed to finish their thought and make their point. If someone is unable to finish their thought or make their point before getting steamrolled, they're going to feel like their input to the conversation isn't valued or important, and that's never a good feeling.
Once you start noticing how the incapacity to handle discomfort affects how people live their lives it's actually pretty shocking how it ruins pretty much every conceivable aspect of existence. Interpersonal relationships, romantic and platonic. Career and education opportunities. Your politics Your willingness to go anywhere. The kind of food you eat. The kind of art you expose yourself to and your ability to read it. It's never just one thing, it touches everything, and once you notice it it's like suddenly being able to see germs or something. Just this horrific catastrophe people look at you askance for screaming about. As I grow older and see what became of my friends and peers who could not learn to handle discomfort, the more I'm like. This is a genuine societal issue
a body count not as in homicide nor as in sexuality but as in the trail of people from my childhood and adolescence i should’ve been a better friend to and taken better care of but i was too busy being caught up in my own heartache to recognize their own and therefore our relationship tapered off in an extremely unsatisfying way that continuously manifests itself as a thrumming sense of grief in my chest. anyway which restaurant chains have the best free pre-meal bread?
Anyone else remember having their parents try to teach you Emotional Regulation Skills way too early and only understanding in hindsight how fucking nuts it is to try to do what they were doing to a kid. Like having your mom tell you "you're the only one who's in charge of your feelings :) nobody can MAKE you feel bad unless you let them :)" but at the same time you'd get scolded for making someone else feel bad by being rude or acting out, so in practice you're both in charge of your own feelings but also everyone else's feelings, and that didn't feel fair, but you had no idea how to put that into words because you're five.
it only occurred to me years later, but if "you control your emotions" and "you choose how to feel" then every time my parents got angry at me it was because they chose to be angry, which doesnt seem like the kind of thing you want to be teaching your kid
Working at a preschool, when it comes to emotional regulation we focused a lot on "it's okay to be sad/angry/etc, but it's not okay to hit/scream/etc. Let's do this instead" bc like,,, telling young children that they can control how they feel isn't gonna help them?? And also,, they can't???
Regarding the "you made them sad" thing, we try to focus more on "what you said/did made them sad" to help them understand exactly what impacts other people. It's not that you made them sad- you, yourself, simply existing isn't the problem. You saying little Timmy can't play with you because he's not a girl made him sad
I think a lot of things parents do comes from a good place. I think their intentions behind what they're trying to teach is in good faith. But if you teach kids that they can control how they feel but also they made someone feel a certain way, you're gonna have some really emotionally conflicted children/teens/adults as they try to navigate "my feelings aren't anyone else's responsibility, but also I have to make sure I don't make anyone else upset"
Idk. I have a lot of feelings on how children are viewed and talked to. Like, not everyone can be a teacher but also as a parent, it is literally your job to teach this little human everything there is to know about how to be a person
The notion that one’s relationships have to be frictionless to be “healthy” rly is insane. Hate to say this but I kinda blame pop therapy speak shit for this sort of stuff. Ppl you’re in relationships with friendships or otherwise will sometimes be mad at you sometimes you’ll be mad at them they’ll get annoyed you’ll get annoyed conflict will happen and you’ll have to work to resolve it. & everyone will survive the experience
If nobody ever explained this to you, if someone you see a lot does something you like and you never ever tell them that, they might think you don’t like them or don’t like the things they do for you.
If you like your sister’s cooking and have never ever told her that, she may very well think that you hate her cooking. If you like it when your friend drives you places and you never ever thank them, they might think you’re not grateful even if you are. If you like it when your partner does this or that thing for you they won’t know that unless you tell them.
Tell people in your life hey thanks for driving me, that was a great dinner, I like your singing, thanks for helping me with that. They don’t automatically know that you appreciate what they do.